...to be shocked that children are being excluded from parties?

[Peace425]

My DD has just started Year 1. In Reception, all of the children had parties which involved the whole class, or just girls/boys. This year I am shocked that everyone whose had or scheduled a party (there are a lot of Autumn/Winter babies) is picking out a handful of children to attend, and the same children are being excluded time and again.

I understand that parties can be expensive, but this is not to do with money. We live in a very affluent area and the parties tend to be a little extravagant. I am in a minority, living in a small three-bed semi; most of the families are very wealthy with massive homes.

There are a handful of children who seem to be being left out - some whose mothers do not know the other Mums as their children went to different pre-schools, but also some who have the reputation of being quite naughty.

I am inviting all of the girls to my DDs party, because it feels quite 'high school' to cherry pick. My DD did not want to invite certain girls, but I've told her she has to, because 'how would you feel if you were left out?'. Luckily, she seems to be quite popular, so has been invited to almost all of them.

If you don't want to spend much, you just have to be a bit more creative about the type of party you pick. I've hired a slightly tired
village hall that is cheap and will be doing my own games and crafts.

Or go really small - 3 or 4 friends - rather than a middle number that leaves out three or so girls (there are 15 girls in the class).

Some mums who I thought were really nice and fair, have surprised me with their attitudes to be honest. Is this now the norm??

For those of you saying «it’s normal» and « you need to learn that you don’t get invited and handle disappointment»

Consider that you are perpetuating the «normality» of the exclusion of those with disabilities in society.

Teach your kids inclusion. Teach them to look for people that need more effort to get to know, that are different than them, that might need some understanding. And teach them to make friends with them.

Don’t teach them «my birthday, my party, my decision, it’s normal» and how to be selfish.

I think you have to be honest with yourself as a parent. From age 4-8 my son was excluded from lots of parties. He was a handful, often naughty and very lively and disruptive. I found it hard work myself so though it made me sad, I do understand. Now he has matured and is better behaved he gets invited to more. If your child isn't invited, it is likely there is a reason. I won't be inviting a boy who regularly gets my son on the floor , holds his arms behind his back and tells him 'I can kill you'...why would I invite him when it is likely he will spoil the party??

My son is in yr 8. He has made 2 friends out of the last year. Now these 2 boys both have birthdays around the same time. One parent found me online and invited him to her sons birthday. - that went well and she’s stayed in touch. The other lads mum then also contacted me and asked if he would like to go to her sons. Ace I thought. So due to him being invited to 2 birthdays in the last 2 week, I asked the mums if they would be ok to bring the boys to the bowling this sat for my sons birthday. They both replied yes. So I phoned up and booked a bowling party for the chosen date and time. In the mean time my son goes to the 2nd boys birthday. Yesterday I get a text now saying that the 2nd boy can’t come to his birthday cause there going to watch the football match and it clashes and that’s more important. ( the football stadium is 5 mins away from the bowling alley) it’s a good job I’d not told my son what we had planned for this would have caused him so much upset ( he has sn with learning disabilities)

Meh, mine got invited to one in reception and none since ( I didn’t take him partially because I have no idea how to deal with parties, do I stay, drop off,etc. And because son didn’t really care). Which is fine, because I have no intentions of holding birthday parties and inviting people I don’t know. I’ve never held one, never been asked for one, so don’t intend to. Would rather have a nice family day out.

He’s very popular and well liked, but I don’t know any of the other parents, never spoken to them. Couldn’t even tell you their names.

We always had whole class parties until tweens. But it was private school so very small classes.

It depends. As children get older they tend to have smaller parties. My son has only done whole class or all boy parties so far but he’s 6. My daughter is 9 and in sleepover party zone so it’s 4 girls. I know all of their parents well in case of emergency / homesickness. Money issues are not always dependent on house size. Also some children find large parties overwhelming and no fun.

The last thing I want is every weekend to be taken up by endless class parties. Reception classes here have 30-35 children in them!

I think it’s awful. I always invited all the girls in my ddclass regardless as my dd always seemed to be on the receiving end of choosy parents and children. On one occasion three girls in my dd class had a joint party and she was the only child not to receive an invitation, so that wasn’t a case of struggling for money. I felt so awful for her as she was and still is a very sensitive child 😔 most parents would talk to me in the playground (if there wasn’t anyone better to talk too) so I could never understand why she was left out- never will now, hey ho. In the end I felt more sorry for them, I’d much rather be like myself than a fake, shallow individual. 😁

@Digggers
Most people are responding to OP original post which does not mention excluding party invites because of disability. There is no sweeping generalisation not to invite SEN children.

Exclusions usually happen because people cannot always afford everyone to come, or parents don't like other parents - not disabilities.

My child does not have SEN but she has been excluded. I feel it better in life to help her understand disappointments because, actually, in the real world, we cannot please all of the people all of the time and how to handle disappointment will strengthen her resilience. I also teach her inclusion and her friends include those with additional needs - she is simply kind to all.

The idea that anyone is entitled to go to anyone else's party is very, very strange.

DS1 didn't get invited to many parties between years 2 and 6. DS1 has ADHD and ODD/CD. That's not DS1's fault, but neither does it mean that the classmates he exhausted and annoyed and hit and stole from, etc etc etc, had to overlook all the ways in which he had caused them upset and invite him to their parties anyway. Hardly any of them wanted to spend a second more with him than they had to, and they really did not want to have him at their birthday party. Why should they?

I think although understandable the lack of reciprocity is a bit rude and means that sen kids dont even get invited necessarily even if they have their own class party.
It also means parents who do bother paying for a party at all could be taking their kid to one a week. (Possibly off the back of parents paying for whole class and not getting any return invites).

But really the focus on parties is misleading. Not getting invites possibly means they are struggling in the playground. (Though as a pp said they could have 1 best friend who doesnt have parties.) So maybe we should worry more about the ones getting invited to loads as they may flit about and dont have close friends ?

Tis the season

It’s the correlation between umpteen parents saying «I just let my kids chose, it’s normal to only invite friendship groups «

And the umpteen parents saying «my child has SEN and never gets invited to parties

That makes the connection between the two things obvious

This thread has made me so sad that people exclude children with SEN. Why? I just don't ever get it.

I think it is really sad for just a couple of children to be left out of party invites, as, like the OP and many others have already said, it tends to be the same children time and time again which can be incredibly upsetting for them and damaging to their self esteem.

Although the OP hasn't mentioned SEN herself, unfortunately it is often these children that are left out the most because they either struggle to form relationships in the same way as their peers or because their behaviour is perceived as naughty or abnormal. The sad thing about this is that the parents are then unwittingly sending the message to their son/daughter that it is okay to exclude these children.
Very recently a 14 year old boy with ADHD took his life in school due to bullying and exclusion. I personally feel that as parents we should be encouraging our children to be as inclusive as possible towards everyone in their class (and yes, even the 'naughty' ones). Therefore, either invite the whole class, all girls/boys or just a small minority of the class. Anything else is just mean in my opinion.

divadee Some people simply don’t know how to deal with it, they may have got nothing against the child, but attempting to deal with that along with however many hyper children is going to be difficult

I think it’s not an explicit intention to exclude. I don’t think people actively think «I am not going to invite SEN child»

It’s more that it’s not on most people’s agenda to actively include. To actively talk about disabilities, to encourage their children to know about them, to seek those with disabilities out and make friends.

If it’s just left to the kids then the awkwardness and silence around the SEN child with their lack of social ability and annoying personality traits turns to dislike and then habit and then normality.

You need to actively include.

Teach your children to be friends with SEN kids.

My son doesnt get Party Invites...He has Special Needs. Hes missed out on a fair few but hes only 4....When he got an Invite to a School Kids BBQ it was like he was going to Disney he was so excited. Hes not naughty but has communication problems. Breaks his heart and mine to see him excluded, not his fault hes not Mr Average!
We didnt have a party for his 4th Birthday, But we made lovely Party Bags with little toys and gifts for all the kids in his Nursery Class to try and help with his intergration. It sadly didnt help! Life is cruel, i guess we will get more and more of this Sadly!

My daughter's best friend in infant school was autistic so I just see SEN as normal. She used to help him do stuff if he struggled. So this was my norm. I worry for my youngest if this is how schools have become.

That's unfortunately what life is like, and perhaps is also an important lesson to learn. Harsh, but the truth

Honestly, out of all the families at my two boys school, we were probably the worst off, yet I never wanted to leave anyone out, so I would do the same, hire a cheap hall, this cost us £30 for three hours, then I did a load of sarnies, cakes and juice, and I did 'old fashioned' games that barely any of the kids had played.
As for inviting naughtier kids, I made sure I kept an eye on any that were known for their trouble, one glare from me is enough to scare any kid straight lol x

A lot of the parents of the children that came to my DS’s parties but don’t invite him back probably don’t think they have done anything wrong. They’ll just be leaving it up to their kids to just invite their friendship group.

My son was always the kid the teachers put with vulnerable or shy or new kids, because he is super kind and gentle. He's also academically very advanced. But he's the least cool child you will ever encounter. He is usually liked, but sort of patronised. Classic ASD stuff, really. And he was very rarely asked to parties - even when the child in question had been one he had helped in some way, by the parents' own account.

SEN kids, when the need is social and communication, can be a bit socially awkward. That doesn't stop them being sensitive and aware that they're excluded. It's far more common that they are bullied than that they bully, and part of that is that it's the norm to not include them, which leads to their being unprotected when a bully wants a target. This stuff is all interconnected. So yes, when you don't ask your child why they don't want two kids asked of the boys or the girls, and when, if you do ask, the answer is, "they're just a bit weird/annoying..." and you don't ask more, to find out whether that means they are actively malign, or just left out... you are participating. You are sending the kids the message that the kid in question is worth less. And not always with the space between those two words, either.

DC was excluded from all parties in one particular year in Juniors and it broke my heart - her crime - being the brightest child in the year. These were parties that ALL of the girls were invited to but her (class of 15 girls). We moved school and, hey presto, she's now invited to lots of parties, although the number of attendees at those parties is diminishing as she gets older.

IME it's the parents who have a great deal of influence over who is or is not invited. I have no words to describe what I think of these parents ...

Yep, totally agree Perfect storm.

Sorry, why are children not allowed to pock and choose who they want in their homes?

You do, don't you? I bet you're not friends with some people because you don't like them and wouldn't invite them to spend time in your home, celebrating your birthday.

I’m fed up with the whole party thing .
In year 1 , my son has come back home and said his friend was having a party at the weekend , he didn’t get an invite , the girl whose party it was told him her mum won’t let her invite him . She invited just about everyone else.Very hard on a parent to hear of another parent being so vicious to a 5/6 year old !