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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to shit stir? If not, how should i do it?

103 replies

BrightLightsAndSound · 18/09/2018 12:07

DP has a close friend who im going to call Twatty Fucker.

Twatty Fucker has two children and a partner who I will call Lovely Woman.

Twatty Fucker (TF) and Lovely Woman (LW) just moved back to TF and DP's hometown.

I gradually became friends with LW and realised how much of a twat TF is. It was kind of reassuring to hear because I never liked him but couldn't pinpoint why.

He isolated her from all her friends back when they were living in a different town. He refused to marry her but demanded the kids be given his name. He bullies her, patronises her like you wouldnt believe. She works and does all the childcare and housecare. Her kids are a newborn and 4 years old, hes never changed a nappy. If he sees her sitting down to quickly check her phone he asks her if she doesnt have anything better ro be getting on with but spends hours with his feet up on the internet. Hes just a horrible person, DP said he didnt realise this side of him as it only really came to light in his treatment of his partner.

Anyway me and TF dislike each other and he was uneasy about me befriending LW as he sees me as some kind of wild card loose canon (im not, im just not dependant on DP).

I suggested LW start am dram with me in town on thursday nights and she was really nervous but finally agreed and is now really excited.

She said "I just have to ask TF if its OK though (!!!!!), i mean for him to havr the kids alone for one evening".

She asked him, hr seemed fine with it. She said to me "knowing him i bet something will come up to stop me going".

Lo and behold, today, two days before our first am dram session, he's decided he needs to go to another town that evening (i dont know why yet but its obviously BS).

She has had to ask my DP (he loves children) if he will look after the kids on thursday evening, which means he'll have to reshuffle some plans but its doable and he wont mind.

My AIBU is - I just want to fucking do something to put TF back in his place! Hes done this to spite her hasnt he? So now ahead of thursday she has to either cancel (she wont) or waste time organising childcare. And why should my DP pick up his shortfall?

AIBU to want to shit storm here?! It makes me angry

OP posts:

blackbunny · 18/09/2018 12:15

I feel so sorry for your friend and for you to be in this situation. I don't think you should attack him in any way, it will backfire,give him ammunition against you and he may take his anger out on your friend.
Better to ignore him and concentrate your energy into supporting your friend. Let her know you'll be there to help her when she decides to leave him (it will be when not if, hopefully)
You sound like a good friend to her,she's lucky to know you.

jay55 · 18/09/2018 12:16

Anything you do to him, he will take out on LW.

BubblesInTheTub · 18/09/2018 12:19

As PP said, don't shit stir because it'll fall on her. It'll give him a perfect excuse to stop her from seeing you.

Stay friends with her, try and show her how much of an arsehole he is. If/when she's ready to leave, which might not be for some years, be there for her.

Storm4star · 18/09/2018 12:19

It's a difficult one. Anything you say to him he will likely take it out on her and make it even harder for her to see you. Honestly, if you can, I would carry on being a friend to her and hopefully if she can gain some confidence she can find the strength to deal with TF herself. You sound like a really nice, caring person and your support will help LW so much. Just showing her what life could be like without TF, things such as going with you on Thursday night, will help her take steps towards freedom.

OverTheHedgeSammy · 18/09/2018 12:22

Your best way of shit stirring is doing what you can to spike his plans to stop her going. So having your DP babysit is perfect. He will HATE her going with you, he really, really will!

Original poster

BrightLightsAndSound · 18/09/2018 12:24

Thanks guys, I can't stand the man, from the first evening I met him he got my back up by trying to cut me down/put me in my place in this really nasty, bullying way and since then theres always this weird power struggle happening whenever we meet.

I'm going to try and get her out more and more.

A few weeks ago she came round mine for dinner with the baby, then my DP got home and we ended up the three of us hanging out until about midnight. Just before she rang my doorbell upon arriving he had got the 4 year old to call her to say he was sad because mummy had disappeared (!!!!!!!). When she got back home he told her getting in at midnight with a newborn baby was a disgusting and damaging thing for a mother to do (!!!!!!!!!!!!). The baby is a happy little thing and slept straight from dinnertime until she got home...

OP posts:

Skittlesandbeer · 18/09/2018 12:29

Yep, play the long game on this one.

Convince your DP to childmind every Thursday until LW is well ensconced in the am dram scene, and well on her way to autonomy (and a new romance).

Don’t look to get him cross and volatile now, just let her quietly build support and friends among the community of the sane, and watch TF’s head blow off. Looooong game. It is a kind thing that you do...

CoraPirbright · 18/09/2018 12:29

I would continue to be firm friends with her and subtly try to highlight just how appalling his treatment of her is. Eg this instance where your DP is stepping up to look after her kids because, as predicted, her ‘d’p has suddenly decided he can’t. Poor, poor woman - he sounds utterly awful.

trojanpony · 18/09/2018 12:34

Honestly...
If you want to piss on his cornflakes make it a standard arrangement that your DP babysits on a Thursday.

Insist it’s not too much trouble and it’ll show him up and probably shame the arsehole into looking after his own kids once in a while after a month or so

YearOfYouRemember · 18/09/2018 12:36

I've only read the OP so I can answer with my gut feeling. I think have your DP baby sit LW children every Thursday. She will have a night away from the twat and seeing what a decent man is like will speak more loudly than you slagging her dickhead partner off .

Original poster

BrightLightsAndSound · 18/09/2018 12:37

@trojanpony
Shit thats a good point, it didnt even occur to me but....yes, hes going to have to find a new excuse every thursday isnt he?
@Skittlesandbeer
Funny you should mention new romance, Im fantasizing about telling TF not to worry, "I won't be introducing her to any hunky actor men /tinkly laugh".

Right, got it, long game.

OP posts:

RedSaidBread · 18/09/2018 12:38

Yea I agree the best bet is the long game. Help her to become more independent and to get out more and build her confidence.

Unfortunately, if you do anything to go 'head to head' with him he'll probably just use it to control her further. What you're doing already with the childcare offer etc will probably be enough to really piss him off.

CoolCarrie · 18/09/2018 12:41

Skittles is spot on here, the long game is the way to go. Carry on giving her support and kindness, don’t try to wind him up as she will get the backlash. He sounds like a total control freak bastard!

soloula · 18/09/2018 12:43

It'll piss him off way more if you don't rise to his own shit stirring. I bet he's looking for an excuse to isolate her from you. Don't give him it.

Benjaminbuttonschild · 18/09/2018 12:44

You sound lovely OP. Yes, do as others have suggested and make Thursday a regular thing. Ask DP if he wouldn't mind baby sitting. eventually TF will HAVE to step up to the plate.

CoolCarrie · 18/09/2018 12:46

Make sure she goes with you on Thursday op, because I bet the fucker is gaslighting her all the time about not going. Your dh is a star for stepping in to help, and now he can see what a tosser is friend is.

TheOrigFV45 · 18/09/2018 12:47

Please be there for your friend.
Please don't do anything directly about the TF, it will either backfire or make your friend feel that she's not strong enough to stand up to him herself (she IS, she's just been flattened by him).
Sometimes even well-intended words can feel like victim-blaming so be aware of what you say.

You sound lovely and she is lucky to have you.

DPotter · 18/09/2018 12:48

Best you not say anything - as difficult as that may be. he doesn't like you so even if there were no repercussions for LW, anything you say isn't going to change him.

Support LW as much as you can and show her she has options.......

The only person who could say something would be your DP - as he's the one picking up TF responsibilites.

Snowymountainsalways · 18/09/2018 12:49

She is lucky to have a friend in you.

Sparklesocks · 18/09/2018 12:49

I completely understand you wanting to protect your friend and your anger towards this man, but as PP have said he will only use it as ammo against her.

I think getting DP to babysit is a great idea, the best thing you can do is to one-up him each time. She can’t go out because there’s nobody for childcare? Sorted, you get a babysitter. Etc etc. He will probably try other things each week.

Continue to be there for your friend, sounds like you’re being a great friend to her and encouraging her to have an independent life outside of him is a large part of that.

oohyoudevilyou · 18/09/2018 12:49

Don't bother. He'll bully and pressurise her until she gives up, and if he thinks you've caused trouble he'll isolate her from you. Just make sure she knows she can count on your support when she either leaves him or stands up to him, and that she sees that his behaviour is not normal or OK.

myfatarse · 18/09/2018 12:54

i'd maybe drop the odd dig here and there though when in his company if it comes up in conversation about the Am Dram - along the lines of:

funny how you have to go out every thursday now since you DW has plans for that night, you never use to........

you've always got something going on when your DW wants to go out - funny that

Your DW and I are off to the pictures/meal/friends - do i have to make arrangements with my DH to look after your kids or will you be around to do the job yourself?

And produce a fake smiley smile as though your having a laugh but so that he knows it's been noted he's being a twat

gottastopeatingchocolate · 18/09/2018 12:56

Hi OP,
You sound like a great friend! I wish I had you when I was in that friend's position.

I agree with your gut and PP - every time he puts up an obstacle, knock it down - so he can't stop her from doing things. Having your DP babysit is a brilliant idea as he is going to struggle to say he isn't comfortable with that, which I can guarantee he would say if it was his DP's friend.

Just a word of caution - if he can't get his way, he may up his game! Keep a close eye on your friend's safety, just in case!

nellieellie · 18/09/2018 12:58

Agree with all the above, but what’s your DP doing having such a twatty fucker as a close friend? Just curious. He’ll be look8ng after TF’s kids, does he not want to tell him not to be such a T?

TheOrigFV45 · 18/09/2018 12:59

arse as tempting as that might be, it will probably only serve to make TF dislike the OP and try and make a wedge between the friendship between OP and DW. He knows he's being a twat - he really won't like it being pointed out.

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