AIBU to want to shit stir? If not, how should i do it?

[BrightLightsAndSound]

DP has a close friend who im going to call Twatty Fucker.

Twatty Fucker has two children and a partner who I will call Lovely Woman.

Twatty Fucker (TF) and Lovely Woman (LW) just moved back to TF and DP's hometown.

I gradually became friends with LW and realised how much of a twat TF is. It was kind of reassuring to hear because I never liked him but couldn't pinpoint why.

He isolated her from all her friends back when they were living in a different town. He refused to marry her but demanded the kids be given his name. He bullies her, patronises her like you wouldnt believe. She works and does all the childcare and housecare. Her kids are a newborn and 4 years old, hes never changed a nappy. If he sees her sitting down to quickly check her phone he asks her if she doesnt have anything better ro be getting on with but spends hours with his feet up on the internet. Hes just a horrible person, DP said he didnt realise this side of him as it only really came to light in his treatment of his partner.

Anyway me and TF dislike each other and he was uneasy about me befriending LW as he sees me as some kind of wild card loose canon (im not, im just not dependant on DP).

I suggested LW start am dram with me in town on thursday nights and she was really nervous but finally agreed and is now really excited.

She said "I just have to ask TF if its OK though (!!!!!), i mean for him to havr the kids alone for one evening".

She asked him, hr seemed fine with it. She said to me "knowing him i bet something will come up to stop me going".

Lo and behold, today, two days before our first am dram session, he's decided he needs to go to another town that evening (i dont know why yet but its obviously BS).

She has had to ask my DP (he loves children) if he will look after the kids on thursday evening, which means he'll have to reshuffle some plans but its doable and he wont mind.

My AIBU is - I just want to fucking do something to put TF back in his place! Hes done this to spite her hasnt he? So now ahead of thursday she has to either cancel (she wont) or waste time organising childcare. And why should my DP pick up his shortfall?

AIBU to want to shit storm here?! It makes me angry

Best weapon is oh, not op! Doh!

Sorry, have your OH push him to say ‘move it’ not your friend.

I am not having a good morning!!!

My point was- If your OH treats it as an assumption that you and your friend always go out Thursday, then he can get cross with his friend for being a twat about it and making him babysit- forcing the twat to behave.

This brings back memories of an ex. I had a weekend in a hotel booked by my employer for a work thing. He immediately blurted, "But we are going to stay with my parents that weekend".

I hadn't even told him the dates

He was like that a lot and that's why he's an ex.

lets hope it dawns on your friend that this is absolutely not to do with work-related stress and everything to do with being an emotionally abusive bastard, as amply demonstrated by the little vignette you drew with FIL. Apple doesnt fall far from the tree, eh?

for you OP - thank god for you and your lovely friendship towards this woman.

Firstly, you sound like a great friend!

I too, unfortunately, recognise this man. In my situation I was in the relationship with the twat, and my lovely friend was the one to help and make sure he couldn’t control me as much as he wanted to. I won’t go into details, but trying to stop her from going out, laying guilt on her when she does, trying to ruin her evenings...all that is very familiar.

I would say tread very carefully with him - he will most likely take anything you say or do out on her in some way, so just continue to find ways to help her navigate his assholery, be an ear for her; focus on her. Find completely reasonable ways to get round any obstacles he tries to put in her path (having your partner babysit was a great idea!) and don’t give him any ammunition. Continue to support her and help her to build her confidence. He sounds intensely controlling and manipulative, and there’s a good chance he’ll get quite creative with ways to sabotage your friendship and time together...but if you’re prepared for it, he won’t succeed.

So many red flags here.
You need to encourage her to establish her accountancy career, and not sub her ( I hope stbxh) TF.
Her H is a controlling arse and will not like her having an independent life and will do his best to drive a wedge between her & you. Looks like he is starting on your DP to get him onside. Do what you can to preempt it. You need to talk to your dp before he gets brainwashed y old mate TF

I'd try to get dh not to outright say he won't have the kids again. That plays right in to TF's hands. I'd encourage him to put pressure on him to have his own kids but not to say he won't do it again. There has to be an option for LW to carry on if her dh continues to make excuses - as it sounds like he will.

I would worry that if your husband doesn't have the kids then TF will always be calling your friend back so that even if she gets out, she doesn't manage to stay the three hours or socialise afterwards.

Why was she late?

@diddl
She was late because TF took the car to embark on this drive to see the machinery so she had to go to her in laws and pick up one of their (3) cars (which obviously they guilt tripped her about). Obviously a normal DP would have let her have the car she normally uses....

Dont worry i absolutely wont lose patience with her because i get it, but the thing is just so you get a clear picture: shes not a shrinking violet, shes actually quite hard headed. The thing is shes currently in a stage where I think shes in denial. Shes angry with him but she seems to be thinking this is all just a stage jes going through because he has this new business.

She doesnt want to stop working at their business, despite me saying it would be better because then she'll have her own life etc, firstly because she doesnt see why she should as it was a plan they came up with together, and secondly because hes doing a shitty job and she thinks she needs to be there when he drops the ball. They have a 650K loan riding on this.

She cant seem to see that no matter how stressed your partner is he shouldnt be this way. She thinks its a stage as I say.

Her family were abusive to her growing up and shes now estranged from them. I asked her last night what she initially saw in TF and she said his empathy when she told him her life story. But now (i find this really disturbing) hes started throwing things her parents used to say back in her face.

Its sad because she doesnt have a support network, not here and not anywhere, but that's what ill help with.

But i think it will be a long time before she gives up hope on him.

I’m so glad you made it out & had a fab time! Be ready for one of the kid’s having a temperature when he does finally babysit good luck x

@BRIGHTLIGHTSANDSOUND did you manage another week out with your friend or did her DH sabotage it?

God love her, her partner sounds a lot like my x. She needs a friend who understands the dynamics of what's going on and knows when to be supportive and when to say nothing. I hope she leaves him, if/when she can

I remember my x really angrily ringing me when I was out because he couldn't find the sieve. He was straining pasta and in my absence couldn't find the sieve and rang me to tell me off and when I didn't hear the phone he got crosser and crosser. I checked my phone and there were all these irate text messages from him over a sieve.

@myfatarse
Guess what? This week he went to Italy! Yup, he decided that he really needed to go to a trade fair in Italy. No worries though, she asked her MiL to babysit. Unbelievable though innit? Christ knows what exciting new travels next week will bring! This week in am dram she totally started coming out of her shell and really pulled off a feisty character

She had to scream "shut the fuck up!" in character at me and I could tell she was loving it

@OP you sound an excellent and supportive friend. Like it's not too much trouble to involve yourself. Others could have taken the easy road out, but you and DP are supporting her actively. I'd love to have someone like you in my corner. You're helping her more than you'll ever know, heck, you're helping me from a far, knowing theres good ppl who can help lift us up xxx

Op you sound marvellous. This thread is so uplifting despite your friend's controlling arse dp. Who knows where he will end up next week.

You need to update us every week on how your friend is doing. Please.

Sending you hugs. Angels do exist.

I also recognise TF and reading this is making me so angry! Well done OP for being a friend to this woman.

The TF I know would 'allow' his wife to spend the day with me but then phone her repeatedly. One day we went shopping and he called her six times! Important stuff like telling her about a phone call he had with a relative, letting her know a bill had arrived and asking her where the DC's shoes were. He would keep her on the phone for ages. Controlling twat.

@brightlightsandsound going to the moon next? Sounds like you're both enjoying yourselves and shes finding her voice a little.

I'm intrigued what will happen the first week he has to look after the kids....bet he rings saying they're not well!

'Keep your friends close and your enemies closer...' that can be your motto for dealing with TF.

Hope all goes well for this Thursday!

Urgh.
So last night was am dram and she came, we had a great time. Afterwards we went for our traditional drink.

This just keeps getting worse. It emerges that despite her working all hours in the company plus doing the childcare alone, he owns 80% of the company and she only 20%.

To top it all off, the "salaries" they draw are pitifullt low - and hes making most of his money on the black in cash. She said the house was full of cash - but she wasnt allowed any of it. She said she had been stupid to agree to the 20% and she was worried about the off the record money.

Shes been doing some compulsory training related to the business where the trainer has taken a shine to her as she is clearly capable.

I told her she needee to sort this money situation out, that was was in an incredibly vulnerable situation especially being unmarried. She said she knew.

I run a monthly lunch and networking thing for self employed women which i told her she should come to. I said she should just force him to buy out her share and use the money to start her own thing. Shes jot ready. I said if/when she ever needed it, i know a great woman who works as a "sort your shit out" person - looks at all your accounts, tax, admin and advises. Again, not ready.

I went home and me and DP had an almighty fallout. Granted, I'd had a bit to drink by this stage. I was basically outraged at what i see as financial abuse. DP was saying what his mate did was his own business. I was like, but you condone it. He was like of course i dont, but its not my business. Then he said, but nobody put a gun to her head and made her sign over her share. He said women had to take responsibility for their actions rather than just playing the victim. He said she knew what he was like when she got with him.
He said he was sick of me taking out my frustrations with this situation on him, like i had righteous anger towards men and unleashed it on him. I said but his attitude on the subject concerned me. He said he was allowed to have whoever he wanted as a friend and it doesnt mean anything.

You get the picture. Now i just feel confused.

And by the way this is related to my other thread, in which "X" is TF: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3389106-Feel-so-guilty-was-I-really-unreasonable?pg=1&order=

I just feel really uncomfortable like things are kicking off in my relationship and I'm seeing things in this environment that dont sit right with me

Men condone other Mens behaviour, when it's directed at Women. It's a shock when you wake up to that. You'll see on the threads about how deep down, Men resent us, if not hate us and some posters still being in the denial stage of that.

Women are ostracized for their behaviour, even if it doesn't hurt anyone else, being promiscuous etc, but Men always retain a friendship group.

The only thing that I agree with is that it won't do your friend any good if your DP stops being friends with him, at this stage. You said he's only just realised that he's is as bad as he is.

Men will never totally get how Women can be trapped into relationships. Likewise many non parents don't get it, either. So I don't think you should be getting into arguments over that.

Very often you start to just dislike the person you are with and these arguments start from nowhere and it's a sign to end it.

Thanks @Birdsgottafly theres a lot to think about there. Id never considered that women are often ostracised while men arent but its true - why is that?

Your friend really needs you to sit in her corner nd get ready to fight if she needs to. It won't do you any good ruining your own relationship because of your feelings towards him.