AIBU to want to shit stir? If not, how should i do it?

[BrightLightsAndSound]

DP has a close friend who im going to call Twatty Fucker.

Twatty Fucker has two children and a partner who I will call Lovely Woman.

Twatty Fucker (TF) and Lovely Woman (LW) just moved back to TF and DP's hometown.

I gradually became friends with LW and realised how much of a twat TF is. It was kind of reassuring to hear because I never liked him but couldn't pinpoint why.

He isolated her from all her friends back when they were living in a different town. He refused to marry her but demanded the kids be given his name. He bullies her, patronises her like you wouldnt believe. She works and does all the childcare and housecare. Her kids are a newborn and 4 years old, hes never changed a nappy. If he sees her sitting down to quickly check her phone he asks her if she doesnt have anything better ro be getting on with but spends hours with his feet up on the internet. Hes just a horrible person, DP said he didnt realise this side of him as it only really came to light in his treatment of his partner.

Anyway me and TF dislike each other and he was uneasy about me befriending LW as he sees me as some kind of wild card loose canon (im not, im just not dependant on DP).

I suggested LW start am dram with me in town on thursday nights and she was really nervous but finally agreed and is now really excited.

She said "I just have to ask TF if its OK though (!!!!!), i mean for him to havr the kids alone for one evening".

She asked him, hr seemed fine with it. She said to me "knowing him i bet something will come up to stop me going".

Lo and behold, today, two days before our first am dram session, he's decided he needs to go to another town that evening (i dont know why yet but its obviously BS).

She has had to ask my DP (he loves children) if he will look after the kids on thursday evening, which means he'll have to reshuffle some plans but its doable and he wont mind.

My AIBU is - I just want to fucking do something to put TF back in his place! Hes done this to spite her hasnt he? So now ahead of thursday she has to either cancel (she wont) or waste time organising childcare. And why should my DP pick up his shortfall?

AIBU to want to shit storm here?! It makes me angry

I wouldn't be surprised if he turns up on Thursdays while you two are out together.

He sounds like a nasty piece of work.

OP - I recognise this man - not specifically - but every single thing about his behaviour.

PP are correct that you need to tread carefully because he will take it out on her and try to isolate her from you (and other friendships). The unique thing you have on your side is your DP. Men like TF don't give a fuck what other women think, but they do care about how they look to men.

DP should ask TF is a jolly way, whether he'd like to take turns looking after all the DC - perhaps every other week each? I didn't get from your post whether you have DC or not but it sort of doesn't matter. The key thing here is for your DP to shame TF and be openly supportive and encouraging of you two doing Am Dram and OTHER STUFF. TF can only be put 'in his place' by another man unfortunately . Your DP sounds like he is up to the job :)

As an aside, LW will be frightened initially, but will also be relieved at the fact that finally there is some kind of intervention/recognition of her situation happening.

he'll have coroding her confidence for years. the best thing you can do is build her back up by making her realise how great she is. hopefully then she'll realise for herself what a dick he is and leave him

Poor LW,,I feel really sorry for her, How lucky to have a friend like you OP. Keep us posted with how it all goes

AuntieGeek is right. This is coercive control, in other words emotional abuse, and now it is against the law. Isolating a partner, bullying, controlling and threatening are all classic behaviors, and there will be no happy ending here because even if (when, hopefully) she divorces him he will be so full of rage at her insolence that he will make her life a misery. She can't get away from him because of the DC. However, conscientiously making very detailed notes of everything that happens, whether it seems significant or not, will be the first step in convicting this perpetrator and hopefully getting him a stay at Her Majesty's Pleasure.Anyway, get her to write a detailed diary digitally and make sure that there is a copy of it outside the home (with you, ideally) so that he can't destroy it, which he surely will if he finds out about it. Also don't under-estimate his rage; at some point it will be directed at you. These cases are well documented on the internet, and there are a lot of online support groups out there as sadly this pretty common. Sending lots of support to LW, and thanks to you for being there for her OP. Good luck

My DP pointed out that it could go to crown court or the magistrate court. The minimum sentence is a CRIMBO and max is 5 years inside. This is from 1st October.

Make it a "date" - every Thursday this is what you and her do. He will soon run out of excuses. She needs your friendship OP, don't be put off.

I have one of these.

I've managed to convince her H that I like him. So I am one trusted friend he will normally allow her out with. She knows I can't stand him but he is unaware. It's awful but it does mean that he ruins less of our time together. Less, mind you. He still calls when we are running, magically has emergencies when we're out to dinner and can't shop with their two DC on his own (even though they are very well behaved). Twat.

Very important that you don't meddle as she will suffer for it.
I'm glad she has a good friend like you who can see what's going on.

I'm so glad you're doing this for your friend. My exdh was exactly the same but thankfully I had a few friends like you and I left him last year. I hope it goes well for your friend.

OP I've been LW and my H would be TF although probably not as transparently as TF.
My friends would say tell him you're doing such and such or use shared calendars but those kind of things only work when you're dealing with a reasonable man.
I've missed on many activities & social occasions over the years thanks to him forgetting/not commuting to being able to care for dc until he knew it wasn't viable for me to go to something/having to work late & then arriving home after it was too late for me to go, my friends could see that it wasn't that I didn't want to do things but that as a mother I couldn't leave my children, some did stop asking after a while but luckily most didn't.

It took me a long time for face up to fact that it wasn't right, not a normal adult relationship and that staying with him for the children wasn't an option. I told him I wanted a separation in March & am still playing with same behaviour now 6 months later but I've involved a solicitor now and have opened up to my friends. All you can do is support your friend but don't shit stir as it'll only be her that suffers.

Your friend CHOOSES to stay and keep breeding with TW, she CHOOSES to do his books instead of a different job.....instead of shit stirring and creating drama in her relationship, focus on helping her to live without him

Help her to understand & talk about what is happening by all means but be careful not to badmouth him too much otherwise he will use it to stop her from seeing you. Isn’t their marriage worth more than your friendship? etc etc
As @Mrsterrypratchett said, you need to be ‘the trusted friend’ in his eyes

Just be there and be a friend.
Your words about TF being nervous about you spending time with his wife resonated with me.
When I first moved in with my DH to a rural area, he introduced me to a guy he had become friends with through work who said exactly the same thing about me re his wife. He didn't want me to meet his her at all. His family were pillars of the small local community and no one ever said a word against them. Unfortunately for him, my DH's family were also in this category and a family of lawyers and judges.
Well I did meet her, despite his attempts to prevent it. We got on like a house on fire.
Turned out she desperately needed a friend who was not a local. He was abusing her physical, sexually, financially and emotionally. People knew, no one said shit.

After 2-3 years of just being her friend (and we had no idea of the extent of the abuse), she ran to us when it became too much.
He was unable to bully me or my husband to get to her and the kids, and he tried repeatedly. Turns out, just being a huge dude doesn't do much in the face of a trained martial artist( My DH)

After her attempting to live in the same town to be fair re the kids, he broke in and raped her with one of her children watching.
She called us and she, I and the kids were gone in a few days with help from the new , local copper. That guy helped me break in to their old house to get all financial documents and memorabilia she wanted before leaving. He stood guard in uniform outside while I went into the house.

I took her to an area where I had friends of the large scary punk rock variety who offered to protect her during kid handovers and drop in when she was nervous. She had met them all before through me, and was secure with this option.

I destroyed his reputation afterwards, by telling the truth everywhere once she was gone and safe. With our support , she took him to the cleaners financially.
She is now a very successful, glamourous re-married superstar who is the strongest person I know.

Just be there for her.
TF will be doing worse to her, I guarantee it. Shit stirring will land on her head.

@CommanderDaisy
That sounds like a crazy experience!

When DP got in last night he actually seemed pissed off at TW and was like "why did it HAVE to be thursday he goes?". He said he was going to call him today and would babysit on thursday but was going to make it clear he wont be doing it every Thursday. Im not sure whether thats a good or bad thing...

Totally blank him don't even acknowledge him and only talk to LW. Also show her how easy it is to get a divorce and be happy.

TW's Achilles' heel could well turn out to be wanting to be seen in a good light by other men. If he thinks one of his friends is a bit hacked off with him, this could be useful - or he might decide that he can rely on your DP getting fed up with babysitting, and LW can go back to feeling/being trapped.
I'd talk it over with DP, emphasising out how much you appreciate his support of LW, and seeing his "close friend" in a new light. Agree and sympathise with him about being pissed off; why can't he be better organised and avoid "unfortunate coincidences"?

OP, you are a good friend indeed and she needs you. She hasn't chosen this way of life, it probably crept up upon her gradually so she didn't see how wrong it was initially. Fortunately, you said in your post that he wouldn't marry her. This makes it much easier to leave and a less drawn out process. Your role will be to convince her that he isn't going to change, is probably going to get worse over time, certainly won't get better. Her only real option is to document everything and keep this will you, whilst making plans to leave. Please try to get her to see how damaging his behaviour can be to the kids. If possible, she needs to get them away from him as well. She (or they) can change their surnames in the future to hers. She can also look for work away from his. He may not want that as he would then have to pay an accountant, but she would be much better paid and have the potential to become independent. She also needs to be convinced that she can manage without him (after all, he doesn't do a lot) and that she may simply have to do this to protect the kids.

He sounds truly vile with his controlling ways. Please try to convince your DP that you need his help with looking after the kids on the Thursday and give us an update in a few weeks/months.

Maybe the undermining her in the workplace is so she'll lose confidence in her ability and he can make out that he's being really charitable letting her work for him, but she'd better not try working anywhere else....

Keep up the good work op! And keep us updated!

Just to let you know she came, we went and had a fantastic time.

Its am dram but with a strong emphasis on gaining confidence so there were quite a few shy people there. Afterwards i was really moved because she said she could sense she was going to get so much out of it.

It goes from 7pm to 10pm and we went to eat and for a glass of wine afterwards and saw some others from the group so theres a strong social element to it too.

TF called her 2 minutes before to ask what she was doing, aka to check up on her. He also called my DP when we were in there to check.

Her FIL (so TFs dad) bumped into my DP yesterday and was like "oooh so LW is doing "theatre" apparently? Yeah right, bet shes just planning on hitting the bars with BrightLights".

She actually arrived at mine half an hour late and for a minute I thought she might not come.

I think its a real testament to her strength that she overcame her shyness and the obstacles of TF and in laws and actually made it.

Oh and FYI she said "I wonder what excuse TF will find for next thursday".

She also said she was doing tue amdram for 2 reasons: "for myself and to piss TF off".

She seems to think she can salvage her relationship, she thinks his behaviour is standard for someone taking over a business, thinks its just him having a stress related meltdown. I dont see that as a reason or excuse but decided not to push it.

United front with your dh-show her (and him) what a partnership is like. Listen to her. Maybe an anecdote here and there ("I was reading on mn about a man who totally isolated his partner and did fuck all. I'd hope if that was me I'd know who my friends were") Just be there. And be ready with WAs number.

I definitely think it needs to be your DH who the shaming of TF comes from as if it were to come from you or LW then it's sure to go even more sour.

Right now you and your DH are a bit of a lifeline for her because TF is much less likely to cut ties and isolate LW because of your DH. This is your advantage.

No advice, just to say- massive well done you you and your friend op.

Don’t let the bastard grind her down!

Your best weapon in this is your op, since he is his friend. If he miraculously comes up with an excuse next Thursday, have your friend push him to say ‘move it, or you are inconveniencing me’. That makes the argument between your oh and the friend- which gives him more incentive to stop behaving like a twat.