AIBU to want to shit stir? If not, how should i do it?

[BrightLightsAndSound]

DP has a close friend who im going to call Twatty Fucker.

Twatty Fucker has two children and a partner who I will call Lovely Woman.

Twatty Fucker (TF) and Lovely Woman (LW) just moved back to TF and DP's hometown.

I gradually became friends with LW and realised how much of a twat TF is. It was kind of reassuring to hear because I never liked him but couldn't pinpoint why.

He isolated her from all her friends back when they were living in a different town. He refused to marry her but demanded the kids be given his name. He bullies her, patronises her like you wouldnt believe. She works and does all the childcare and housecare. Her kids are a newborn and 4 years old, hes never changed a nappy. If he sees her sitting down to quickly check her phone he asks her if she doesnt have anything better ro be getting on with but spends hours with his feet up on the internet. Hes just a horrible person, DP said he didnt realise this side of him as it only really came to light in his treatment of his partner.

Anyway me and TF dislike each other and he was uneasy about me befriending LW as he sees me as some kind of wild card loose canon (im not, im just not dependant on DP).

I suggested LW start am dram with me in town on thursday nights and she was really nervous but finally agreed and is now really excited.

She said "I just have to ask TF if its OK though (!!!!!), i mean for him to havr the kids alone for one evening".

She asked him, hr seemed fine with it. She said to me "knowing him i bet something will come up to stop me going".

Lo and behold, today, two days before our first am dram session, he's decided he needs to go to another town that evening (i dont know why yet but its obviously BS).

She has had to ask my DP (he loves children) if he will look after the kids on thursday evening, which means he'll have to reshuffle some plans but its doable and he wont mind.

My AIBU is - I just want to fucking do something to put TF back in his place! Hes done this to spite her hasnt he? So now ahead of thursday she has to either cancel (she wont) or waste time organising childcare. And why should my DP pick up his shortfall?

AIBU to want to shit storm here?! It makes me angry

It's actually better if your OH can look after the kids. That way she realises she can go out and enjoy herself without him
The best way to get her to leave him is to build her up and give her confidence...or you know he may miraculously realise hes a twat and change which wont happen because hes TF and they never change

Top marks to your DP for being onside! Especially as you originally got to know TF and LW through his friendship with TF; he doesn't seem to feel the need to enable TF's twattery, and his loyalty to his close friend has not made him oblivious to the manipulation going on. I can see absolutely why you want to stir, (I'd be biting my tongue)but you're being a better friend to LW if he hasn't got any good reason to isolate her. TF isn't going to like it when the 4 yo starts full-time school is he? He can't manoeuvre her out of meeting other school mums.

Get your DP to look after the DCs. You need to make her (and TF) see that in normal relationships, men are happy to parent their own children and can cope fine with kids.

I would invite them both over, let TF see your DP being a good partner and father, and see that LW is also seeing it. Remove his excuses, invite both DCs over for a sleep over when LW comes over to yours. Get your DP to step in so TF can't stop LW going out.

Don't stir though, just being a normal example will do it.

If she has a newborn, she's probably not going to be in a position to leave him until after maternity leave, so play a long game, encourage her back to work, help out as much as possble (TF might try to scupper that if he fears her independence, hopefully they need her wage for the lifestyle he wants). Hopefully she'll 'get it'.

Although don't be surprised if it looks like she's building a life with her own friends, her own career and not needing TF, he might suddenly propose....

I agree, leave him out of it and concentrate on helping LW.

My friend helped me by simply questioning me (not interrogating, just little questions here and there).

This made me come to my own conclusions and gave me the time and space to build up the confidence to leave. I will never forget the help she gave me.

oh and it doesn't look too bad for your DP if TF has lived away for a long time, your DP might have only seen him in short bursts and not quite realised how bad he is day to day.

Well done your DP for babysitting on Thursday. Hopefully TF will parent his own children next time - but make sure she turns her phone off, if so, because you can guarantee that he'll be trying to ruin her evening by phoning her up saying the baby has been sick and won't stop crying and might have a fever and the four year old won't go to sleep and is crying for his mummy.

I agree with PPs who say you shouldn't try to wind him up more, because men like him will latch on to what you've done, to stop her seeing you. You need to play nicey nicey with him so he can't say anything against you, and just keep being there for her.

OP you have just described the exact circumstances of a case of coercive control that my DP judged earlier this year.

Document all of the things you see TW do to the LW and encourage her to do the same. When she feels safe she can then rely on your testimony as written at the time.

Agree with the above posters, long game is the way to go, but remain perfectly nice to TF yet supportive of LW both on her own and in front of TF.
If you find out why TF went to x town on Thursday, you can of course delightfully ask how his outing went, and drop into the conversation that DP loved babysitting their kids, they were no trouble and it'd be no problem to do so again.

I feel like I need to pre-warn you. My mum is friends with someone the same as LW. It took her 12 years to leave! It really is a long game and you have to shut your emotions off to her relationship and just keep stating the fact that he is an arsehole.

I was in your friends position and I can say that if you go after TF directly he will use that as ammunition to cut you out of her life.

Far far better to keep getting her out and showing her what a supportive DH is and that she can go out.

Get your DH prepared to babysit as a contingency. Then when TF miraculously is unavailable that night (or picks a fight minutes before she's due to leave) she has a safe space to bring her DCs and time to collect her thoughts with you.

Then you can rib TF "playfully" about not sabotaging his wife's evening out next time .

All of what @myfatarse wrote!
i'd maybe drop the odd dig here and there though when in his company if it comes up in conversation about the Am Dram - along the lines of:
funny how you have to go out every thursday now since you DW has plans for that night, you never use to........
you've always got something going on when your DW wants to go out - funny that
Your DW and I are off to the pictures/meal/friends - do i have to make arrangements with my DH to look after your kids or will you be around to do the job yourself?
And produce a fake smiley smile as though your having a laugh but so that he knows it's been noted he's being a twat

You could even get your DH in on it - "Am I looking after your kids again on Thursday or are you going to do it?".... but only do that after a good few weeks of going to AmDram.
Do not mention any hunky actors. Don't give him any ammo to use against LW.

Do you know any of TF's family? Can they be roped in to look after their niece/nephews to show TF up?

Yep, play the long game on this one.

Totally this. She's probably breathing a massive sigh of relief that you are actively engaging and encouraging her to do something for herself.

Poor woman. Except TF to get worse and worse. She will need you and DP. Thank god for people like you!

Personally I'd smile and wave at him because if he decides you're a threat he'll make sure he breaks you two up. So I'd be lovely to his face, and befriend the wife and try and get her some slack. He's a twerp.

Reminds me of that drama 'The Outlaws'. Very brilliant. About an arsehole brother in law.

The best thing you can do for her is show her a better life. Maybe plan for your dp to always babysit if he’s fine with that and get her am dramming with you every week and build her confidence up

Not surprised he was reluctant for you to befriend LW. You would show him up in more ways then one. Once she got to see how your life is with your DP and made the comparisons. He sounds like an insecure narcissist. Be careful OP. Don't tread on his toes too much. It may cost you your new friendship. Instead try reverse psychology on him. These kind of men love their egos being boosted and would probably encourage the friendship even more. As long as you are not a threat to him, LW may learn to live for herself once again thanks to you.

If he sees her sitting down to quickly check her phone he asks her if she doesnt have anything better ro be getting on with

Agree with all of the above, but also get your DP to call him every Thursday whilst he's out and keep haranguing him as to why he has to be in the other town and doesn't he have anything better to be getting on with - like looking after his own children from time to time....

Thanks guys, I'm reading all these comments and will follow your advice not to do anything that will backfire on her.

I found out why he wont be there on thursday. The reason he moved back to this town is he bought a business (a kind of manual work business). Theres a piece of machinery thats come up for sale is this other town so hes going to see it on thursday. My question being, why couldnt he organise to see it on wednesday evening, or friday evening, why thursday? My friend says "its an annoying coincidence" - but its not though, is it???? (Dont worry im not pushing it with her, will follow her lead. Just finding it scarily interesting how easy it can be to start doubting these things).

The other complication in her situation is that she was an ace accountant and now shes moved up here and started working full time doing the books for this new company hes bought, which restricts her ability to make more friends for herself. But he is constantly berating and undermining her for non existent mistakes and sabotaging her work, almost like he wants to push her out of the business. What the logic of that is, i dont know...

I would say this man will take it out on the partner regardless as that’s the kind of twisted person he is. So although you’re being a good friend getting her out you may well find this makes the situation worse not better and through time this girl will make excuses not to go just for a quiet life. Hope I’m wrong.

No expert here.

But I suggest

1. should grasp now that TF not going to change
2. all actions should be on that assumption, and be towards safe exit of LW.

So don't goad TF. Possibly even keep assistance by DP secret, as TF will come up with different control techniques once he knows, including cutting off OP & DP.

Use secret opportunities to build LW's confidence. Plus fact of agreeing to operate in secret from TF makes overt the idea that this ain't normal and TF is far from reasonable. And that there can be a life separate from and unvalidated by TF.

I just want to fucking do something to put TF back in his place! Hes done this to spite her hasnt he?

He has, but it hasn’t worked because her lovely friend (your DP) is going to have the DC for her and she still gets to go out! So he didn’t get his way (which was to ruin her plans) the best thing you can do is go out with her and have a blast so that she can see there is a life out there for her and she develops a taste for it.

@IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan
Well granted I am PMSing a bit but it did make me well up because she texted me to say "dont worry I'm coming on thursday no two ways about it, I want to do something for me and with you".

Now I just feel like im going a bit mad because since my update and the story of why he is away on thursday, both her and my DP are being like "its just how life goes, unfortunate coincidence" and im feeling like a crazy woman thinking "no its all a massive conspiraaaacyyyyy!".
Will drop that point now...

I’ve been on both sides of this. I’ve been the woman with the twatty sabotaging partner and I’ve been the friend watching it happen. I feel your struggle! I do. But honestly bite your tongue around him. She needs you as a friend. If he decides you’re against him, she’ll be cut off from you. That won’t help her, that isolates her further. So bite that tongue! hard!

You and DP team up to make sure that whatever he pulls to stop her going, your DP can help out to make sure she goes. That will seriously piss him off and could be the first step to her leaving him.

You don't actually have to say anything. Just raise an eyebrow. Far more effective.

it might be "its just how life goes, unfortunate coincidence" only time will tell.

He might be all hands on deck next week...... if not, you can tell your DH "told you so" and sort childcare out for friend