My sister is having an affair

[cheatingsister]

NC for this as coupled with my other posts, it could be very outing.

My DSis (25) has been with her DP (32) for 9 years. He's been in the family much longer, around 15 years, as close family friends. We spend New Years, holidays etc with them.

He is a truly lovely person - kind, hard working & treats my sister like a princess.

He's held off buying a place (is currently renting his parents annexe) until DSis is working FT & earning a steady wage.

He's supported DSis financially (as well as emotional, obviously!) through uni, post grad study. She has just secured a role in her chosen field and is due to start at the end of the month.

They are a great couple.

Around a year ago, DSis confessed to me that she was having an affair with a man from a couple they'd met on holiday. He lived around 1.5hrs away & she'd lie to her DP & say she was with friends (or staying with me!!!).
She continued to see him 2-4 times per month for around 6 months.
He ended it.

In March, she met someone else whilst on a skiing hols with her friends. Again, he lives about 1.5hrs away.
Last week, she stayed with him for 6 days, telling her DP that she was staying with me.

DM also knows - she feels awful as sees his DM (her BF) most days for a dog walk. She has started making excuses not to see her as she can't stand covering for my DSis. She's also stopped socialising with his DM & DF in the evenings ie going for a drink as her and DSF just can't lie to them.

DM, DH & I have begged, pleaded with her to either end the relationship with her DP & enjoy her self or to stop cheating.
We've tried supporting her, we've tried getting angry with her. Nothing makes a difference. She says she's ended it then will drop me a text "I'm at yours if X asks, ok?"

She left OM's yesterday, came back & DP is taking her for a v posh, expensive bday meal this evening.

It's absolutely disgraceful. I feel by us lying, we are enabling this.

I'm seriously considering telling her DP what she's up to. AIBU? And if not, how would I go about doing it??

I think the age gap is very relevant.

She has been with the same man since she was sixteen years old, not just any man but an close and trust family friend. She most likely felt a lot of pressure to make this relationship work, after all he is "such a good man" but is he really what she wanted?

She matures into an adult and realises maybe he is not who she really wants and desires. But she still feels the pressure from her family, the disappointment and the chants of he a "good man" so she stays but plays away.

Maybe she is trying to get her teen years back.

3ChangingForNow

Excuse me but fuck that. A fifteen year old is a fifteen year old. You go and research the outcomes and well-being of children married off in these cultures. It ain't good.

And by the way, it benefits men. Not the girls. Very early marrying ages go hand in hand with lack of education, opportunities and independence. Don't pretend they don't. Many, many people from the cultures would agree and would like to see change.

I wouldn’t tell him directly but tell DS that if he asks you if she’s with you, you won’t lie. She can’t expect you to lie to him for her. That’s not on.

To say 16 year olds are 'children' is absolutely ridiculous

Yet they can't buy alcohol in duty free.

They are children.I have a DD16 ... and would object to a 23 boyfriend.

Regardless of the age...she's being selfish and I couldn't let this house purchase go ahead.

If she likes sexual variety...then she needs an open relationship...so he can do the same.

His sexual health could be at risk from her sleeping around.

One affair ended...but she pursued another.

Must also agree with the usual double standard. Poor girl is trapped. Seriously [SMH]

Your post went a little bit off the point I think op. What a crappy position you’re all in because of your sister. Does she know how she’s effecting all of you, the stress that everyone is under? I do think she could probably do with counselling.

Keep us updated please and good luck with your chat to your mum!

Age debate aside, which I understand, but do not feel it's relevant here...

Again some great advice, thank you. I'll keep you updated when we speak to her over the weekend.

Well the age gap is relevant due to all the reasons that have been given which you have chosen to ignore.

Posters have tried to give you a different psychological reason why your sister may be behaving in this way.

cheatingsister You think your sister is nothing but a bitch, it's clear. You have a choice. You can enjoy the anger or you can try to see it differently. You may still feel she's a bitch but there is always another side. As she's your sister, choosing not to consider this will leave you much poorer off and saddled with feelings of bitterness towards her. From someone whose sister is no longer here...try again.

Maybe you are being blinded by the apparent maturity of your sister at the age of 16. It sounds as though that was a turbulent time for her with the loss of a parent. It is not surprising that she may have looked to another adult for security and kindness.
She was not necessarily ready to make lifelong decisions.
You should at least give her the opportunity to give her side of the story.

You won't tell him, because he's a family friend and somehow this relationship must benefit you and the rest of your family. You won't want to upset that applecart.

A family friend who knew your sister as a child, wants her when she reaches 15. I suspect there's wrong on both sides here, not least because you very invested in how much a saint of a man he is.

Tell him if you want. Do keep in mind that you can't force her to stay and be judged and punished in any way, by any of you.

Then again he may leave her. I don't know how you'll manage without him but best to look at all options since either way, things won't be as they were before.

FWIW, it isn't the age gap that now that anyone is having issue with. It's the age gap at a young age and the manner in which they met. There is no getting past the fact that the difference in life experience between a 16yo and a 23yo is huge, regardless of how mature a 16yo appears to be. There's an inherent power imbalance in that which most people balk at.

That's why it seems likely to be relevant here. Cheating isn't okay, and she should leave. But i can see why she may not have a normal understanding of how to conduct a relationship.

I was 16 when I met my ex, who was 22. We got together a couple of weeks after my 17th birthday.

He was a virgin, I was not. I pursued him. There was definitely nothing creepy about it! I was very mature and we got on like a house on fire. We were together for three years.

amusedbush she wasn't sixteen when she met him she was 16 when they got together. He has known her since she was a little girl. It's all a bit victorian and imo.