My sister is having an affair

[cheatingsister]

NC for this as coupled with my other posts, it could be very outing.

My DSis (25) has been with her DP (32) for 9 years. He's been in the family much longer, around 15 years, as close family friends. We spend New Years, holidays etc with them.

He is a truly lovely person - kind, hard working & treats my sister like a princess.

He's held off buying a place (is currently renting his parents annexe) until DSis is working FT & earning a steady wage.

He's supported DSis financially (as well as emotional, obviously!) through uni, post grad study. She has just secured a role in her chosen field and is due to start at the end of the month.

They are a great couple.

Around a year ago, DSis confessed to me that she was having an affair with a man from a couple they'd met on holiday. He lived around 1.5hrs away & she'd lie to her DP & say she was with friends (or staying with me!!!).
She continued to see him 2-4 times per month for around 6 months.
He ended it.

In March, she met someone else whilst on a skiing hols with her friends. Again, he lives about 1.5hrs away.
Last week, she stayed with him for 6 days, telling her DP that she was staying with me.

DM also knows - she feels awful as sees his DM (her BF) most days for a dog walk. She has started making excuses not to see her as she can't stand covering for my DSis. She's also stopped socialising with his DM & DF in the evenings ie going for a drink as her and DSF just can't lie to them.

DM, DH & I have begged, pleaded with her to either end the relationship with her DP & enjoy her self or to stop cheating.
We've tried supporting her, we've tried getting angry with her. Nothing makes a difference. She says she's ended it then will drop me a text "I'm at yours if X asks, ok?"

She left OM's yesterday, came back & DP is taking her for a v posh, expensive bday meal this evening.

It's absolutely disgraceful. I feel by us lying, we are enabling this.

I'm seriously considering telling her DP what she's up to. AIBU? And if not, how would I go about doing it??

I'd have to tell him

perhaps you or your mum could ask her what's wrong, and ask her if she wants to split up. She might need your 'approval' to make the break

I think she feels trapped

Bollocks. She's enjoying every minute of it. She's got lovely bloke at home supporting her financially and allowing her the freedom (unwittingly) to go and shag other men whenever she feels like it. The OP, her husband and her mum have all begged her to either leave her bloke or make a go at it several times. She chooses to continue her behaviour. If I felt trapped, but had three family members urging me to leave my partner, I think I would consider I had their support. But she's well aware that the support she is getting allows her to carry on.

You KNOW she will drop you all right in it when he does work it out, "oh well EVERYBODY knows anyway" ...he is going to feel totally humiliated.

This is exactly what will happen. It doesn't matter if she has fallen out of love with him what matters is you are all sitting there playing happy families around him whilst his wife sleeps with other men. He is going to be fucking devastated! Yes she is the one at fault but without intending to you have all let him down by allowing it to go on unquestioned for over a year.

The OM sounds like a complete tramp

And what does your sister sound like?

Why doesn't she just end things with her old boyfriend? shes not in a difficult situation with him. Have you asked her this OP?

Sounds like your sister doesnt want to be with your nice bil. Very hard for you being put in this situation. I wouldnt lie to him if he asks where she is but your sis needs to tell. Him as sounds like this is going to keep happening as both of them need to move on. You cant win this op.

I would stop covering for her. Let her know you won’t lie that she’s with you. Cut off her cover stories and she’ll eventually have to make a decision.

I’m so sorry, what a horrible situation.

When he does find out, he will know you have been complicit. He'll put the bits together and ask you 'So was she staying with you for that week?' and so on.

All you can do is say you won’t lie for her and if he asks, you'll tell him she’s not staying with you.

she was v mature for her age

I was about to say she now sounds very immature. I think she probably does feel trapped. He's a family friend, you all like him, you're friends with his family too. Had she had any other relationships before him?

I think I'd tell her that it's OK to break up with him if she's not happy. She will find someone else evidently she doesn't have a problem with that But what she's doing at the moment is very wrong. Tell her the effect it's having on you and your mum. It's already causing at least as much stress as breaking up with him would. And tell her you absolutely won't lie for her. I'd only tell him if I had proof and somebody else's back up as she may well lie her way out of it.

And I would bet she had affairs at uni.

Just tell the guy, that’s awful.

I would not cover for her. If I knew she had used me - told him she was going out with me, I would make sure he knew she was not by posting on Facebook or Twitter about what I was doing that day, or calling him just for a chat, and I'd tell her I was going to do it so she would not use me. I don't know that I could go as far as actually telling him but I wouldn't let her use me.

I think I'd tell her that it's OK to break up with him if she's not happy.

They've already done that. Repeatedly.

It's patently obvious that the sister doesn't give a fig about the impact this is having on others (especially her mum).

So until she is set straight that if any awkward questions come up they are going to be answered honestly, she's just going to carry on having her cake and eating it.

She is not a nice person and if it wasn't going to cause a world of hurt I'd like to see her get her comeuppance.

This is an awful situation she has put you all in, especially since your parents are close friends with ds husbands parents and since his family have been family friends for 15 years,

I'm trying to think what I would do , part of me would want to tell her husband as he doesn't deserve what she is doing to him, plus she is risking his health by sleeping with other men, if she catches anything she could pass it on to him , and part of me would be scared that if this was made known it would blow up for the whole family and all the friendships between parents in both families etc would be lost...you and your parents need to discuss if you are all willing to risk that

Now as much as I'd be worried about telling (for fear of parents losing their friends)...I would heartily recommend not lying...in other words you don't have tell her husband she is cheating outright but you don't have to cover anymore for her, so when your mother sees her friends and she asks how ds is gettng on at DM house, DM can look confused and say she's not at my house,..when her husband asks you how you and ds enjoyed your get together /visit to your house/girls day out etc...you can look puzzled and say you didn't do any of that , and you haven't seen or been anywhere with ds...in other words, just don't enable her lies...she will soon learn if no one is covering for her she will either have to confess, or she will have to stop cheating (as she is only getting away with it because your family is providing cover stories to his family, if you take away the cover stories then she will struggle to continue to see these men without her husband noticing and questioning it...it might be what she needs to make her confess or make her stop

Stop enabling her and post whatever you like on Facebook, within reason. Not "Hi everyone, my sister keeps cheating on her partner, thought you'd all like to know", but if you want to post something about being at the cinema or out for drinks with your friends on a night when she's told her partner she's with you, that's her lookout.

I would make it clear in advance that I will not cover for her. If she texts saying "I'm with you if X asks" say "no if he asks I'll tell him you're not here".

They've been together since she was a child...
"She was v mature for her age"
Creepy

Anyway she's a CPOS but if you tell him you're throwing a bomb into your relationship with her.

I'd post up what a great time I was having at the beach with your friend Emma when she's supposed to be there. Gives him the hint without you actually saying anything to him.

Because yes she may be unhappy. She may feel trapped. She may just be an attention seeker. Whatever the case she needs to take responsibility for her actions.

It's not just her that's effected - it's a longstanding family friendship. I do feel sorry for your Mum who will likely lose her BF.

What a dreadful position to be in. Her behaviour toward all of you is lacking respect.

Why does she not just end it? Do you think it's guilt over how long they have been together or fear of going it alone?

Ugh, I'd have trouble keeping quiet about it too - but you know that the messenger is always the one who gets into shit.
Thing is, you've been enabling this for ages, you and your mum - so when it all comes out (Which it will) he's likely to feel a triple loss as you've all lied to him, whether explicitly or implicitly.

Poor bloke, I feel for him. Your sister is a disgrace.

I feel by us lying, we are enabling this

You feel that because you are.

She has put you in a shitty, shitty position. And I do not envy you the hard choices that come with that. My own brother had similar tendencies. About a decade and a half ago I chose SIL for the long haul over having him in my life. Which I do not regret. People who trample other people's feelings can be somewhat indiscriminate with their targets.

One strategy that might work for you and your family is a straight "I will not be the keeper of your secrets, if he asks me a question I will give him the unadulterated truth as an answer"

It has stopped a fair few friends/colleagues/acquaintances from dragging me into their personal minefield.

She might think twice about the security of not just confiding/using you as an alibi with her latest conquest, but also what she has done before. It might give her pause to consider her options with her husband in terms of telling him his reality, or at least turning his reality into something that more closely matches his illusion of his life and relationship.

I'm so sorry love. It is a horrible position to be put in.

Your sisters behaviour is really odd.

Not the affairs - I think its quite understandable that she would want to try out some other men - she got with this guy when she was 16? And he was 23? - Its really not a recipe for long-term happiness...

But telling your Mum? Why?!?

I wouldn't tell him (yet) but I would very strongly encourage her to split up.

They're a great couple.

Oh yeah so great that she's out shagging another bloke.

Her partner deserves far better. He seems more than decent.
Some ungrateful people really do not know when theyve got it good.(meaning your dsis)

I would have to tell him.

My lying cheating grandad had an affair for over 20 years and everyone but my Gran knew.

She felt letdown and betrayed by everyone she knew and had a breakdown.

Your sister is not a good person.