My sister is having an affair

[cheatingsister]

NC for this as coupled with my other posts, it could be very outing.

My DSis (25) has been with her DP (32) for 9 years. He's been in the family much longer, around 15 years, as close family friends. We spend New Years, holidays etc with them.

He is a truly lovely person - kind, hard working & treats my sister like a princess.

He's held off buying a place (is currently renting his parents annexe) until DSis is working FT & earning a steady wage.

He's supported DSis financially (as well as emotional, obviously!) through uni, post grad study. She has just secured a role in her chosen field and is due to start at the end of the month.

They are a great couple.

Around a year ago, DSis confessed to me that she was having an affair with a man from a couple they'd met on holiday. He lived around 1.5hrs away & she'd lie to her DP & say she was with friends (or staying with me!!!).
She continued to see him 2-4 times per month for around 6 months.
He ended it.

In March, she met someone else whilst on a skiing hols with her friends. Again, he lives about 1.5hrs away.
Last week, she stayed with him for 6 days, telling her DP that she was staying with me.

DM also knows - she feels awful as sees his DM (her BF) most days for a dog walk. She has started making excuses not to see her as she can't stand covering for my DSis. She's also stopped socialising with his DM & DF in the evenings ie going for a drink as her and DSF just can't lie to them.

DM, DH & I have begged, pleaded with her to either end the relationship with her DP & enjoy her self or to stop cheating.
We've tried supporting her, we've tried getting angry with her. Nothing makes a difference. She says she's ended it then will drop me a text "I'm at yours if X asks, ok?"

She left OM's yesterday, came back & DP is taking her for a v posh, expensive bday meal this evening.

It's absolutely disgraceful. I feel by us lying, we are enabling this.

I'm seriously considering telling her DP what she's up to. AIBU? And if not, how would I go about doing it??

Is there a chance he knows what's going on but has decided to bury his head in the sand and doesn't want to see it because he is so in love with her?

I am just surprised that she has managed to keep these "visits" so quiet especially due to the volume of them and also how is she communicating with these men? Me and my dh usually ask each other who has text or messaged etc and are honest

I ask because I was in a relationship with a man 10+ years my senior. We had a honest relationship then one day he stopped me seeing his phone and got very secretive (other stuff too but it's not relevant) I suspected he was cheating but he assured me he wasn't and because I was in love I chose to ignore the warning signs. We eventually broke up and I then learnt that yes he had been cheating and it then came to light several friends knew but didn t tell me. I wish they had because I would have been made a food of for less of a time. It still would have hurt the same.

You know the husband..if you think he would prefer to know sooner rather than wait for your sister to come clean then I would be honest with him. Or suggest that he needs to have a serious talk . If you do though be prepared to lose your sister.

Ennirem you are so spot on.

I think you’re very much in denial about this relationship CheatingSister. Whatever you think a 16 year old going out with a 23 year old family friend, is not healthy.

Your sister is telling you and everyone else that she is not happy and she seems petrified to actually leave her H, because her whole family seem to worship him.

Stop thinking about your mum’s relationship with her friend and about the village and start thinking about why your sister is acting in such a risky way.

Sorry, they got together when she was 16 and he was 23???

@CheatingSister - apologies, I misunderstood the circs. You called him her partner so I assumed they were living together - if not he's a boyfriend in my brain. You also said he supported her financially and that until recently she didn't have a job. So I took it that they were cohabiting in his parents' annexe on his income.

Re the grooming, only she and he would know really (that's how it works!). But I struggle to know what else you'd call it when an adult enters into a relationship with someone much younger who is legally a child. If he really cared about who she was as a person, then I think a decent adult person would have waited until she was 18.

I've read LOADS of threads over my seven, nearly eight years on MN where women have said that they were 16 or 17 and were dating guys in their early 20s, sometimes older. Wonder where they all are right now?

Your sister is telling you and everyone else that she is not happy and she seems petrified to actually leave her H, because her whole family seem to worship him

Reading thru all posts just got a sense that whole family are involved in manipulating this girl from a young age, and that now she's grown up and not toe-ing the line it's a massive problem, and maybe the affairs are the symptom of a cause.

16 years old and prepped for a family friends' interest. Going ahead with it as the 'right thing'. I'd not be having a 23 year old family friend eyeing my 16 year old. But maybe it's a cultural thing

Seems like relationship has run its course. Hopefully your sister can get advice if she wants to leave, or stay and work at her marriage, and ditch these affairs. Professional, impartial, non-binary advice that is. It's a phone call away.

Are you sure that your sister regards them as being a couple?

You referred to him as her DP, and being in a relationship for 9 years which all makes it sound very permanent.

But now it seems they don't live together, she is not financially dependent on him and maybe he is just one boyfriend among others.

I am going against everyone here but I would lie for my sister.

I love how we have a serial cheater on our hands and all anyone cares about is the age gap. He sounds lovely (a 23 year old dating a 16 year old really isn't weird or wrong, in many countries 16 is the age if legal maturity, in Britain you can get married from the age of sixteen and, if we're being totally honest most sixteen year old girls will be drooling over a young man around that age at done point). I can see why she doesn't want to end the relationship and I cash see why you don't want it to end but she's been cheating on him so they either have to get over that or it has to end. I can understand why she does it. I married my first boyfriend and sometimes it can feel a little bit like I have missed out on all the fun that goes with being smitten, thinking about a person all the time, trying to figure out if they feel the same way etc. But I would never use that as an excuse because I not a stupid jerk like your sister. She really nerds to tell him and hope that he doesn't leave her. I would present her with an ultimatum. Either she tells him or you do.

If a poster started a thread saying 'I'm 23, would it be ok to go out with the 16 year old son of my friends?' the answer would be a universal no.

I think they're well past the age gap debate, whichever way it should have gone, it happened.
Their relationship is also what it is, healthy or not, they're supposed to be committed.
But she's cheating and needs to stop, not fair on him, or your valued relationships with his family.

Reading thru all posts just got a sense that whole family are involved in manipulating this girl from a young age, and that now she's grown up and not toe-ing the line it's a massive problem, and maybe the affairs are the symptom of a cause

Except the OP has said they tried very hard to stop them going out with each other, but it didn't work.

I think they're well past the age gap debate Nope, we're not.
I agree with Ennirem, a 23 year old man going after a 16 year old child is vile. He had known her since she was 9/10? You all should have stopped this. If he wasn't a beloved family friend would you still have been ok with it? No, you wouldn't. Help her get out of this mess that you all stood by and let happen.

Gabilan, the family are friends, the mother's are best friends, they have all known each other for years, if they had actually tried, this relationship wouldn't have even started.

Seriously again this fucking infantilizing on Mumsnet!! I've known married 16 year olds. 16 year olds living in cities on their own far away from family. 16 year olds living together with their partners. Also have known very immature 16 year olds, and unworldly ones.

To say 16 year olds are 'children' is absolutely ridiculous. They are sexually mature, able to fight in the army, able to marry etc etc. Many 16 year old girls are on a par for maturity with 23 year old boys.

But this is Mumsnet, where 16 year olds still have bedtimes and aren't allowed to hang out at the local park

Your sister is a grown woman at 25 and I think you're right that her behaviour is reprehensible. Posters saying 'she feels trapped' are giving so much leeway based on zero evidence its ridiculous. Perhaps when your partner cheats on you that will be a good excuse to explain it away?

Your sister is a vile cheat and extremely selfish. Especially re the effect it's having on you and DM. I would be telling. Why does she have the right to destroy his life, ruin your DMs friendships, and make it so awkward all around for everyone, for sneaky sex? It's incredibly selfish.

I do agree woolduvet but the OP's being vitriolic about her sister. If my little brother had been picked up by a 23 year old woman and behaved badly down the line, I'd give him a second chance.

3changing There are all sorts of 16 year olds, yes. We don't know what sort this one was. But she wasn't out looking for an older man. He came into her family home with 'safe' plastered all over him. It's not infantilising to say that many unsophisticated 16 year olds could find themselves with unexpected feelings that a 23 year old should give them time to grow up with.

And yes, in some countries girls are married off at 15. Doesn't make it right for them. Doesn't make them grown up on the inside.

Your DSis is in the wrong but I can see how this came about. Basically she feels massively trapped. You all love him and are close to his family. She feels that if she leaves him the two families will no longer be friends, the fallout will be massive.

She was 16 when she met him, she’s grown up and changed, he’s not what she wants anymore but she’s trapped by the wider relationships and the fact your family love him so much.

Tell her you’ll support her if she breaks up with him. Tell your parents to do the same so she feels confident enough to end it.

He’s also probably getting to an age where he wants to buy a house, get married and have kids. She’s not ready for that, she’s not had another proper relationship. She’s probably terrified that this is all she’s got to look forward to whilst her peers are off to festivals getting off with randoms.

No 25 year old should be settling down with the first boyfriend they met at 16. I know three women who married their first boyfriend and two of them cheated in their 30s as they felt they’d missed out.

Fox you are basing that on your own cultural assumptions. Different cultures view adolescence extremely differently. In any case I'll stop derailing the thread now.

A 23yo man dating a 16yo school girl is bloody creepy. It isn't someone she met at a part time job, either. It's someone who had been a family friend since she was 10! It really does sound like grooming.

That said, her behaviour now is clearly wrong and I'd tell her so. I wouldn't go on an on about how awesome he is and how much you all love him - just that it isn't okay to treat anyone that way. I'd help her manage the fall out from ending the relationship. At the end of the day I'm on my sister's side - even when she has done wrong.

If we're being totally honest most sixteen year old girls will be drooling over a young man around that age at done point).

Most 16 year olds I’ve ever known thought 23 year olds were old and would think them extremely creepy if they came on to them.