My sister is having an affair

[cheatingsister]

NC for this as coupled with my other posts, it could be very outing.

My DSis (25) has been with her DP (32) for 9 years. He's been in the family much longer, around 15 years, as close family friends. We spend New Years, holidays etc with them.

He is a truly lovely person - kind, hard working & treats my sister like a princess.

He's held off buying a place (is currently renting his parents annexe) until DSis is working FT & earning a steady wage.

He's supported DSis financially (as well as emotional, obviously!) through uni, post grad study. She has just secured a role in her chosen field and is due to start at the end of the month.

They are a great couple.

Around a year ago, DSis confessed to me that she was having an affair with a man from a couple they'd met on holiday. He lived around 1.5hrs away & she'd lie to her DP & say she was with friends (or staying with me!!!).
She continued to see him 2-4 times per month for around 6 months.
He ended it.

In March, she met someone else whilst on a skiing hols with her friends. Again, he lives about 1.5hrs away.
Last week, she stayed with him for 6 days, telling her DP that she was staying with me.

DM also knows - she feels awful as sees his DM (her BF) most days for a dog walk. She has started making excuses not to see her as she can't stand covering for my DSis. She's also stopped socialising with his DM & DF in the evenings ie going for a drink as her and DSF just can't lie to them.

DM, DH & I have begged, pleaded with her to either end the relationship with her DP & enjoy her self or to stop cheating.
We've tried supporting her, we've tried getting angry with her. Nothing makes a difference. She says she's ended it then will drop me a text "I'm at yours if X asks, ok?"

She left OM's yesterday, came back & DP is taking her for a v posh, expensive bday meal this evening.

It's absolutely disgraceful. I feel by us lying, we are enabling this.

I'm seriously considering telling her DP what she's up to. AIBU? And if not, how would I go about doing it??

I don't think your parents should have let her go out with an older family friend at the age of 16. Something has gone wrong here.

I agree 100%, however lovely this man is/was, I wouldn't want my DD going out with a family friend who was 7 years older than her, and who had known her since she was 10.

Your sister is behaving atrociously but IMO she's 'getting back' at you all. She can't just leave as her whole family love this man and he 'treats her like a princess'. She's never been told a relationship with a family friend at 16, is inappropriate and she doesn't know how to end things without upsetting everybody.

If I were you I'd be asking her to go to counselling.

This same happen to a friend of mine ... the cheater married her bf and they divorced a few short months later. She is asking for help for escape an unhappy relationship.

She wants to be caught and I feel sorry for her, but mostly him.

But midnight if you don't want to be with someone fine. Let them know and move on. No one is saying she should be tied to him for life. If that's not what she wants
If she doesn't fancy him anymore it is what it is.
However to shag about behind your partners back is corrupt.

I had this with a friend that was like a sister to me (different I know).

I kept my trap shut. He busted her but they patched it up and now have two kids. He absolutely hates my living guts as he knows I knew and did t tell him. I’m like a reminder of that time for him and he hates me and it really was all my friends’ fault.

I forgive her to a degree, she wasn’t of sound mind at the time, but it really has fucked all chances of our families being all friends together, sad.

I'd tell him the truth.

It's not fair and if I was in his shoes I would expect to be told and not kept in the dark. I would feel like a laughing stock that everyone else knows apart from me. Would break my trust in the family I would have built.

Gosh. How awful. But your sister is very young and has missed out on a lot of being free and single. Just tell her you won't lie for her and don't.

I think you should tell him. And I think your dm should give his dm a warning of what's about to happen so that she can support him.

Poor guy is living a lie, making plans for his life based on a completely wrong picture. Her dishonesty is opening him up to sexually transmitted diseases and what would happen if they got married? Or if she got pregnant? Could you really stand by knowing what you know? I think he needs to have the choice to stay with the real her or whether to start over with someone who deserves him before he's sucked into marriage and kids.

I'm not saying he did anything wrong. But I've seen it happen before that someone goes straight from childhood into the arms of an older person ready to settle and they miss out on an exploration phase.

Not your pigeon!

It's your sisters business- stay out of it. I wouldn't lie or agree to lie for her though

Also bear in mind you do not necessarily know what is goin on in their relationship.

Scummy bitch.

Ffs tell the poor shmuck or you’re as bad as she is.

Agree as a family that you will not cover any longer for her and tell her so, as a group. When he asks her whereabouts, you have to say you haven't a clue and apologise. You don't need to out her, because tbh it sounds like things are about to come to a head anyway without your interjection.

Not sure I could go as far as actually telling him but I would refuse to lie.

I know its not an excuse but I do wonder about these couples that meet so young can see that working when we didn't live past 40 but these days I don't think it works.

My old flatmate was shagging her boss he used to call round at our flat. I met his wife at a party, she didn't have a clue. I barely knew these people and felt awful enough.

Thank you all for the advice. Beneath the obligatory nasty comments there are some real gems.

I didn't explain clearly in my OP - I haven't actually lied to him when she tells him I'm with her. It's genuinely not come up in conversation.

My poor DM is in tears again this morning as she realises she is going to lose her BF & likely also other friends in her social circle (small rural community).

DM is fearful of losing her DD. She's also worried that if this goes the other way, DD will completely disappear with this guy (who I suspect is into drugs) alongside ruining her offer with a company she's worked hard to get into.

It's so upsetting for everyone.

Despite everything, she is my DSis & I want her to be happy. I don't know what to do to support her best.

She has reiterated that she still loves her DP.

It's your sisters business- stay out of it.

See I don't understand this logic, imagine how you would feel as he partner. She has clearly checked out of the relationship and has told everyone apart from her partner that much. It is fine if she doesn't want to be with him but she needs to tell him.

What is there to gain from continuing the charade, it's an affair he will eventually find out, they always do. It's going to hurt regardless of who tells him, but if it were me I would have to tell him. You have watched this happening for a year now, how much longer does it have to continue: 1 month, 6 months, another year?. Tell the poor bloke so he can begin to rebuild his life and move on.

The oddest thing is how casual and shameless she is about what's going on. Almost like she wants to be caught out. I would always keep my beak out but at the same time I would never ever cover for someone and I'd have made that clear at the start. Very unsavoury situation but I don't like the sound of her DP either tbh.

Its over anyway only a matter of time. In that case I would seek to find a way to keep on good terms with him and the community whilst supporting your sister its not a matter of if he finds out and the marriage implodes but when.

She has reiterated that she still loves her DP

That's a load of crap and you know it. Let's be honest it doesn't even sound like she likes him let alone loves him, she certainly holds no respect towards him. Are you sure she doesn't mean she loves the life he provides for her.

Your mum is in tears over losing her BF, DP's mum. Would they lose they friendship if your DSis was to end the relationship anyway? Is there an element of pressure perhaps she felt to have got with DP and stayed with him from such a young age?

I would be at the point of giving an ultimatum, break up with him or I’ll tell him what you’ve done. Your own conscience needs to be clear. People may see this as disloyalty towards your sister, but I couldn’t stand the lying and deceit. Don’t be with someone and use them for an easy life, that’s really cruel and unacceptable. I feel really sorry for your mum too, feeling so caught up between her daughter and best friend. Your sis is doing this to everyone, lies really fuck up families and she’s very selfish and naive to think this is just her issue to manage. How could she involve you in this is beyond me.

My now NC sister (she has done loads more shit) was having an affair with her best friends partner, again the friend had become almost like a family member as we’d all known each other so long, we’d see them at Christmas, Family parties, and loved her kids. I was so disgusted when my sis told me, honestly I felt so ashamed and sad and wanted to run away from it. How can a person do that to someone? That level of betrayal. Anyway, after arguing back and forth for a couple of months I finally gave her an ultimatum, either she tells her friend or I will. Being the piece of shit that she is, she turned it around into me and my disloyal nature and thinking I’m better than her, being jealous of such a great man wanting her yada yada yada. I said I was very ready and willing to do it, so she then told the friend herself, obviously a massive fallout, her ex friend now won’t speak to any of us and neither will her family members, which makes me feel really sad and crappy, but I know my conscience was on the right path. My sis never had any remorse and just talks about the ex-friend like she was actually nuts, psycho... you know the drill. After many other issues I’ve completely gone NC with my sister as I just can’t deal with her drama and spiteful ways. Also I don’t trust her. Not to do with men/my DH in that kind of sense, more that I can’t trust a person who would physically climb into bed and have sex with their best friends partner and lie to someone’s face about it. I don’t think your sister is a nice person OP. Sorry, but this is just a symptom of being deeply unpleasant. It’s not a mistake, or a deeply regretted one-time indiscretion, she’s wilfully decieving someone and roping others into it. I can see you having a massive fallout too to be honest.

(small rural community)

In that case, people already know. I think your mum needs to come clean with her friend. Yes, it'll all blow up. But it will blow up anyway and better that you're not lying and covering it up (longer than you already have).

Nightmare.

I think I would have to tell him. Obviously the shit would hit the fan and he would be heartbroken but he's going to find out at some point. Poor man.

I would risk my relationship with my sister in telling someone that was completely lovely and that I'd known for many years and was part of my family too, yes.

@theWarOnPeace thank you so much for this.

This is exactly how I feel and it's nice to know someone has been through a similar situation.

Our DSis's sound very similar - mine is an inherently selfish person. She would do anything for you, but only if it benefits her.

I don't want to fall out with her - up until this all happened, she was one of my closest friends, however it wasn't until DH pointed out - "when was the last time she ACTUALLY came down to visit," "when was the last time she called to find out what's going on with you as opposed to venting about her situation."

It's all very sad.

An ultimatum sounds like the best scenario. I've arranged to visit my DM on the weekend so we can sit her down together.

A 16 yr old? That's disgusting and very creepy. Really weird that you let him near her let alone have a child bride in his house. No wonder he is spoiling her.

*You KNOW she will drop you all right in it when he does work it out, "oh well EVERYBODY knows anyway" ...he is going to feel totally humiliated.

This is exactly what will happen. It doesn't matter if she has fallen out of love with him what matters is you are all sitting there playing happy families around him whilst his wife sleeps with other men. He is going to be fucking devastated! Yes she is the one at fault but without intending to you have all let him down by allowing it to go on unquestioned for over a year*

These PPs are so right. A family friend who you love and respect and his family who are old and close friends... the only way you’re going to be able to preserve these connections is to bring this out into the open. And why shouldn’t the rest of you put your relationship with him and his family first? He deserves to know you respect him enough not to tolerate the behaviour anymore. If you don’t do this it will eventually become apparent to him and his family that’s you’ve been complicit and that is likely to end all friendships. Your DSis sounds like she’s got some growing up to do which she’s not going to do until she feels a bit of pain herself.