My sister is having an affair

[cheatingsister]

NC for this as coupled with my other posts, it could be very outing.

My DSis (25) has been with her DP (32) for 9 years. He's been in the family much longer, around 15 years, as close family friends. We spend New Years, holidays etc with them.

He is a truly lovely person - kind, hard working & treats my sister like a princess.

He's held off buying a place (is currently renting his parents annexe) until DSis is working FT & earning a steady wage.

He's supported DSis financially (as well as emotional, obviously!) through uni, post grad study. She has just secured a role in her chosen field and is due to start at the end of the month.

They are a great couple.

Around a year ago, DSis confessed to me that she was having an affair with a man from a couple they'd met on holiday. He lived around 1.5hrs away & she'd lie to her DP & say she was with friends (or staying with me!!!).
She continued to see him 2-4 times per month for around 6 months.
He ended it.

In March, she met someone else whilst on a skiing hols with her friends. Again, he lives about 1.5hrs away.
Last week, she stayed with him for 6 days, telling her DP that she was staying with me.

DM also knows - she feels awful as sees his DM (her BF) most days for a dog walk. She has started making excuses not to see her as she can't stand covering for my DSis. She's also stopped socialising with his DM & DF in the evenings ie going for a drink as her and DSF just can't lie to them.

DM, DH & I have begged, pleaded with her to either end the relationship with her DP & enjoy her self or to stop cheating.
We've tried supporting her, we've tried getting angry with her. Nothing makes a difference. She says she's ended it then will drop me a text "I'm at yours if X asks, ok?"

She left OM's yesterday, came back & DP is taking her for a v posh, expensive bday meal this evening.

It's absolutely disgraceful. I feel by us lying, we are enabling this.

I'm seriously considering telling her DP what she's up to. AIBU? And if not, how would I go about doing it??

Do you think maybe she feels trapped? She met him very young, became involved with him very young, he is closely integrated with the family, he is perfect etc.... maybe she doesn't feel able to break up with him.

I am not saying she is doing the right thing - she is behaving terribly. I just wonder when you confront her, if you reassured her that you would love and support her no matter what, including if she chooses to leave, and don't make her feel like this decision will be bad for your mum etc, whether she may choose to leave.

Just a thought

I think he needs to have the choice to stay with the real her or whether to start over with someone who deserves him before he's sucked into marriage and kids.

So do I. And add a house, mortgage etc into that? When it could be avoided?

I have an off-the-wall suggestion. How would you feel about telling his parents? Are they both still alive? You and your mother have a lot to lose in this situation, your mother especially. You and she don't deserve that. If your mother feels your family friendship could survive the shock and anger, and telling them would be seen as the trust that it is, the four(?) of you could speak to your sister and tell her that if she hasn't told her DP by your deadline, you will tell him. Make sure she understands that she doesn't have the right to sacrifice what you will lose if he finds out about her behaviour himself, and you won't tolerate that. She isn't in love with her lover, and doesn't love her DP, she's in love with love. She needs to grow up.

She does need to be sure that she will have your support if she tells the truth, and wants to leave him; that her own family still loves her.

I hope this doesn't come over too harshly, I don't mean it that way.

What she is going is wrong granted. But calling her a bitch, vile and scum, come on. This is a girl who feels trapped in a relationship with a man she has outgrown. The fact everybody loves him, the fact everybody will tell her he is the most amazing guy and she will never find another guy like that again...... Her breaking up with him will have a profound effect on your mother's friendship. She probably feels a lot of pressure to stay and that aside that at 25 is is quite unusual to be in a 9 year relationship.

You need to talk to her, tell her that you and your family will not be lying for her anymore. Tell her you will support her decisions but not her affairs. I think her best bet would be to have a break or separate with him. She needs to get some counselling, someone outside the family or friend dynamic she can talk this through.

Reinforce, how he would devastated he would feel if he found out about the affairs - although I suspect she may want him to to find out to force HIM to make the decision.

Your Sister has been with this man since she was 16. That's very young for a long term relationship.

She may possibly feel a bit trapped because not only has she not known any different, she has been with this man since she was a child, but because he and his family are so connected to yours.

I don't condone her actions for a minute but I suspect she doesn't know how to free herself. She is also possibly hanging onto him because she fears life alone. A 9 year age gap at age 16 is huge, she was a child, he was an adult.

My poor DM is in tears again this morning as she realises she is going to lose her BF & likely also other friends in her social circle (small rural community).

DM is fearful of losing her DD. She's also worried that if this goes the other way, DD will completely disappear with this guy (who I suspect is into drugs) alongside ruining her offer with a company she's worked hard to get into.

Your Sister feels very very trapped. She has been in a relationship since 16, with a family friend. I bet you all encouraged the relationship, I bet not a single person said 'wait a minute, this is not appropriate'. She is now trapped as she knows if she does end this marriage, she will upset everyone including her Mum.

Your sister needs help and support from her family and counselling.

Some very helpful comments again, thank you. Speaking to his DM would be a good idea, I just worry that again it's someone else knowing that isn't him. Whether he'd appreciate it more coming from us.

To those saying it's creepy & weird, why did my parents condone the relationship - it was a huge ordeal and both sets of parents discouraged the relationship for the best part of 12 months. It was in no way easy for them. If it's any better, she was closer to 17 (part way through her AS levels) & he had only just turned 23.

sounds like she got with this chap way too young & should do the decent thing, ending it.

It isn't absolutely necessary for people to take sides over this. If your DM explains to her BF how much she values her, there is no reason why friendships should end because your sister splits up with her partner.

But it is probably a good idea to talk to your sister and ask her whether she feels trapped, and why she is doing this. She may have realised that she missed out by settling down with a partner. She may find the relationship stifling whereas it just looks cosy to you. Perhaps she no longer loves him, and it is more like being with a kind parent.

She is a single woman. She has been tied down since the age of 16. She is still young and just on the cusp of a career that may bring lots of opportunities and new close friends. She will be a different woman by the time she's 30.

Just like any teenager going through school and university/training, she has had to rely on an adult for financial and emotional support. She is beholden to her boyfriend rather than her parents - but that's not a good enough reason to spend the rest of your life with a man.

She might decide, after her flings, that she'll stay - but you can't force that issue. It's heartbreaking to be a bystander, but that's all you are.

it was a huge ordeal and both sets of parents discouraged the relationship for the best part of 12 months. It was in no way easy for them.

Maybe that makes it more difficult to break up now as it feels like admitting she was wrong and you were all right. Not condoning what she's up to, just trying to understand it without resorting to calling her a bitch or scum.

Fascinating thread. We've gone from her behaviour is appalling (which it is), through to the DP (whom we have only heard positive things about) is creepy and inappropriate, suggestions that she is trapped being accepted as fact (even though the OP seems to dispute this) and that she now needs counselling and therefore her behaviour is understandable.

Even if it is understandable - based on very little fact at all - it doesn't make it excusable. Men who cheat are evil personified, called all sorts of names, and there is never an excuse to cheat.

But if you're a young woman, there are all sorts of reasons to excuse it.

Why not wait until she texts you to say "I'm with you this weekend if X asks" then conveniently not see it and post you where-abouts on FB or something?

It's hard because she's family but right now you're complicit and struggling with the guilt a lot more than she is. She's being selfish bringing her whole family into it and if you don't want to have the conversation with him directly, at least give him something to use to figure it out for himself.

ShatnersWig

It doesn't have to be one or the other. Her behaviour is dreadful. She may be inherently selfish. However she also seems to have got into a relationship too young with someone too much older. At that age, she could not have known what she'd be giving up. That doesn't excuse her behaviour but it goes some way to explaining it. If she could grow as a person through counselling, this would only be good for everyone. It doesn't make her actions any less dreadful.

@ShatnersWig great point.
It is incredible that men get so much stick whilst women are offered excuses.

There are no excuses. She has the full support of friends, family, his family, if she wishes to break up. There is no pressure for her to stay in the relationship. In fact, I'd argue that there is more pressure on her to break up with him as that's what both DM & I have been constantly advising her.

I'm so disappointed & disgusted with my own sister. It really is heartbreaking.

The OM isn't a tramp, your sister is.

You and your mother need to tell him and his family, and basically make it well known that you are severely disappointed in your sister for doing such a horrible thing.

She doesn't love him. She loves his money. That's why she's happy to keep him while shagging other men. He pays for everything, he's going to buy her a house. She isn't going to get that from the other man is she?

If you don't bother telling him and the family, then you will lose your closest family friends no doubt. Up to you. But trusting your sister that she loves him when she's lying to him, does that really seem like the best idea? She's a known liar. Don't trust a word she says.

Your sister tends to do the exact opposite to people who advise her about her relationships.

Bear that in mind when you deliver your ultimatum (which I hope you won't).

From what you say, she does sound headstrong and selfish. She probably isn't going to take your advice.

You don't have to cover up for her - and she should be aware that you won't do this.

I feel sorry for her partner - but it is better than he realises that she is not 100% committed to him earlier rather than later.

On the evidence we have, it is not clear that she is only with him because he is going to buy her a house. Surely he is planning to buy a house based on the mortgage they could jointly afford. So she will be paying for her own house.

It sounds quite confused - I think it would be a good idea to ask her what is going on and what her plans are.

I think it's a bit weird that a 23 year old was with a 16 year old. She was a child, and a bereaved child not long after. Sounds like she needs support to break free.

I would completely step back from this, tell her you categorically won’t cover for her and that if she involves you in any way in her cheating you will tell her DP. I don’t necessarily think it’s on your head to tell him at this stage (although I would want to know in his shoes), there’s a million ways it could backfire on you and the family and ywnbu to protect yourself first and foremost. Letting yourself be involved enough that you have to think about whether you can post on FB without dropping her in it is a step too far though, you’ve let her suck you in to her deceitful behaviour and that needs to stop.

This is really sad. Your DSis seems to have regressed, for some reason. You said that she was very mature for her age at 16/17 which is fine; but I was too. I had a boyfriend who was 19 when I was 15. We waited to have sex until I was 16.5, and he was all round a lovely bloke and we stayed together for 3.5 years, although we’d known one another for several years before that. The reason I broke up with him, and I was set to move in with him and all the rest of it; was people kept asking me ‘but how do you know he’s the one? You’ve only ever been with one person; don’t you wonder?’ And things like that. And being the naive 18 year old I was, I listened to other people, broke up with him (and really hurt him) and dated several total fucking losers.

In the end it all worked out of course; because otherwise I’d never have met my own wonderful DH. But as ‘mature’ as I was (and family complimented me on it ‘look how stable and mature ziggie is, she’s probably going to marry her childhood sweetheart, just like her Nan and Grandad!’ Praise which I lapped up of course), there was a backswing eventually. I got hit BADLY with FOMO and wanted to see what people were telling me I was missing out on.

I am not, for one SECOND defending your DSis. I just wonder if she got swept up in the ‘aww, she’s still with her childhood sweetheart, it’s like a fairytale!’ And her future in laws are her Mum’s best friends... it’s all quite close knit, isn’t it? I’m wondering if that’s where she’s found herself, and she’s spiralled downwards. Again; this isn’t a defence of her in the slightest she should be able to make basic choices and be kind.

I dont know what to tell you to do going forward though; but it is very likely you will fall out both with your sister, and his family/their friends because of her actions.

I really struggle to see how he can be such a great guy if he entered a relationship with a 16 year old child as a man of 23. Maybe one of those very rare cases of two destined souls, meant to be, couldn't resist the call of true love etc - but doesn't look like that now, does it? he couldn't have waited for her to become an adult, or, you know, taken up with a woman his own age?

And yes, the fact he was 'in the family' before they got together, his mum and your mum BFFs, everyone thinks he's so wonderful and she's lucky to have him... I'm not surprised she doesn't want to leave him. Imagine being told since you were 16 what a great idea it was to commit yourself for ever to this guy, by everyone you trusted. I certainly would have a hard time believing that my family would be genuinely unsupportive if I wanted to leave. Not to mention being scared. She's been with him for more than a third of her young life. Her whole life is reliant on him and his financial support. She would effectively be hitting the reset button and going back to where she was at the point he picked her up (at 16!!! Really struggling to get past that!!!)

So while she is being unreasonable to repeatedly cheat, I can 100% see why she is doing it and why she doesn't do the 'obvious' thing and either shape up or ship out.

What I don't see is why you and your family are so keen to paint this guy as the second coming of St Francis of Assisi, given the circumstances of their relationship. What does 'very mature' for a 16 year old mean? If it means "sober, responsible, considerate and well-balanced", clearly being with him hasn't done her much good as she is none of these things now. If however it just means "Had a body that looked like it was ready for sex", and in other respects she was still a typical teenager, then frankly your parent/s had an obligation to protect her from the attentions of predatory older men, no matter how dear a friend of the family he might have been.

Have you had a talk with her about how she's feeling, what she wants from life, what she wants from him she isn't getting? Have you tried to help her see what her life could be like if she did choose to leave - where she would live, how she would pay the bills? Have you actually supported her in any way? Because for all she is making bad decisions, she is your sister not him. She is your family. And it sounds as if you, her mum, and everyone else she has chosen to confide in is taking his side.

Also, most grooming and abuse of young girls is done not by strangers on the streets but by family members and famiy friends the people who should have protected the vulnerable young person "knew, respected & loved".

You will be called silly for thinking this way Ennirem but on reflection, I agree with you. I think it's seems slightly more acceptable because it's the guy who was older. A 23 year old woman latching on to the 16 year old son of family friends would probably not receive such blanket approval.

Ennirem’s post hits the nail right on the head.

@Ennirem
I really appreciate your input but this couldn't be further from the truth.

She certainly was not groomed & has just moved back home after finishing post grad home, so no issue re finances. He is not "predatory".

She is by no means reliant on him financially.

Again, I appreciate your opinion but I cannot help but take insult at your post.