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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bloody wifework

128 replies

Badhairday77 · 17/09/2018 16:57

Ok I do work part time. Average 35 hours a month. As a result I do virtually all the childcare, housework, laundry, ferrying kids around, medical and dental appointments etc etc for our 3 dds. Fair enough as youngest dds are now at school full time.
However it is annoying that I am also expected to be the one to send the thank you etc for dh's family. If my family send something I always reply but expect dh to deal with his family. He doesn't and I than get in-laws ringing me to find out if we received it! The undercurrent is of that it is my job to do it.
Aibu

OP posts:
YeTalkShiteHen · 17/09/2018 16:59

The undercurrent is of that it is my job to do it.

I’m a SAHM and DP doesn’t dump everything on me!

Tot up how many hours a week you spend doing what you do, add your work hours to show hours worked in total.

Remove the work hours, and bill him for every hour you spend doing the rest of everything.

That should sort him out Grin

AlleyG · 17/09/2018 17:00

I gave up doing cards for DH's family a couple of years ago. I told him straight that it's his family so his problem.

Because his family are very traditional sexist cunts I made DH tell them that he'd taken over all the card giving so that they knew it wasn't me failing in my wifely duties but actually their son.

Guess what happened... no-one in his family has received a single card/gift on time since I absolved myself. Most people haven't received anything at all. It feels lovely that it's not my problem Grin

RayRayBidet · 17/09/2018 17:01

I send cards and do gifts to my family. DH is supposed to do his but doesn't bother.
Not my problem. They live in a different country and are as tight as a ducks arse though so they probably don't care.
YANBU

PickAChew · 17/09/2018 17:03

So, tell them to call back, later in the day, and speak to your DH about it.

Mishappening · 17/09/2018 17:04

I gave up cajoling my OH to ring his parents/family; send cards etc. I left them to stew. It also slightly galls me that cards etc sent to my family are from both of us. I chuckle when the GC thank him for their presents - he hasn't the vaguest notion what "we" gave them!

Original poster
Badhairday77 · 17/09/2018 17:05

The undercurrent is from ils btw. Dh does buy gifts and cards for his side but doesn't prioritise thank you etc etc.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 17/09/2018 17:06

I have not and never will do cards for dhs family. His family, his problem. Think about if he were single- hed have to organise his entire social life , do his own washing, do his cleaning / sort his cleaner, arrange food every night, etc.

Original poster
Badhairday77 · 17/09/2018 17:08

On this last occasion I saw red and just told them that it arrived when I was at work and I thought dh had rung to thank them!

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/09/2018 17:08

I can't get upset about sending the inlaws cards. I don't send thank you cards but will buy birthday cards for them if I'm in the supermarket. Only seems courteous as they send me a card and present on my birthday.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/09/2018 17:09

That's very rude OP.

Womaningreen · 17/09/2018 17:11

just say to them "hasn't DH told you/thanked you" etc.

make it clear it's not your job.

BobbinThreadbare123 · 17/09/2018 17:12

I don't do this. His family, his problem. I ended up with all sorts of tasks like this in my first marriage and was never thanked, so I thought 'fuck it' this time round. DH is not a tosser about it though, unlike XH.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/09/2018 17:13

Is this once a year on his birthday?

Original poster
Badhairday77 · 17/09/2018 17:13

Yeah I regret it now. They rang at the wrong time when I was rushing to do school pick up straight from work. I was polite but was just fed up. I should have ignored the call.

OP posts:
Original poster
Badhairday77 · 17/09/2018 17:14

No it is literally every time anything is sent to the kids.

OP posts:
Womaningreen · 17/09/2018 17:15

sorry, I didn't see your other reply before I posted.

you said exactly the right thing, nothing to regret.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/09/2018 17:16

But they're your kids too I presume?
Why wouldn't you just send a text to say thanks?

Original poster
Badhairday77 · 17/09/2018 17:16

I always send thank yous for my gifts and dh does ring when he receives a gift. It just seems to be my job if child related.

OP posts:
BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 17/09/2018 17:18

I do all the card sending on behalf of both of us. “His family” are “my family” too. I can’t get wound up about it...it’s hardly an arduous task and he does things that I hate doing like cleaning the food waste bin and pulling hair (mostly mine) out of the shower trap.

Nothing wrong with “wife work” so long as it is balanced.... in this house “wife work” includes all the car “stuff” (oil, tyre pressures, fluid levels etc) and replacing plug sockets. “Husband work” is putting duvet covers on, any hand washing up and quite a lot of the laundry.....(but not the ironing....he takes too long!).

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/09/2018 17:19

But they aren't just DH's children? If he buys all his families cards and presents and rings them when he's received a gift off them I don't think it's a big ask to say thank you for your child's present.

Original poster
Badhairday77 · 17/09/2018 17:19

I was at work when it arrived. Dh was home. I send thanks to my family and we supposedly agreed that he would do his side. The reality seems very different.
I do sometimes send thank you texts but not always.

OP posts:
JLG19 · 17/09/2018 17:22

This is one thing I really don't understand but see a lot of on MN. "His family, his problem"?? When I started my life with DP, his family became mine and vice versa. Is it really so difficult to say thank you for a present bought for your DC? Even better, if your DC are old enough, get them to call or write a card. Don't see why it has to be a big deal.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/09/2018 17:22

Sorry but I think you are wrong. You work part time and have dc at school. A quick text to say thank you costs nothing.

Original poster
Badhairday77 · 17/09/2018 17:22

For perspective my parents would never ring dh to see whether something arrived and dh wouldn't think to thank them for any gifts sent to out dc.

OP posts:
SlimDogMillionaire · 17/09/2018 17:25

I'd like to chip in here and ask opinions on why cards/gifts are late not sent on time WHEN it's been laid out that (usually) the wife won't be doing it anymore.

Is it

A. They truly honestly don't think it's important
B. They know it is important but are disorganised (don't set up dates on google calender/paper diary)
C. They think if they don't do it for long enough the wife will get fed up/embarassedand resume the task (win't somebody think of the children! Etc)
D. All of the above

I'm going for D.
A because Uncle Fred doesn't come up on the radar much

B because they know their mum will be upset not to receive a card (at least) but just can't get their shit together because ... well why not I don't know (manage to get reports in on time at work/come in under budget/finish a job so ..)

C self explanatory

What do you think? Anymore excuses/reasons to add?

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