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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bloody wifework

128 replies

Badhairday77 · 17/09/2018 16:57

Ok I do work part time. Average 35 hours a month. As a result I do virtually all the childcare, housework, laundry, ferrying kids around, medical and dental appointments etc etc for our 3 dds. Fair enough as youngest dds are now at school full time.
However it is annoying that I am also expected to be the one to send the thank you etc for dh's family. If my family send something I always reply but expect dh to deal with his family. He doesn't and I than get in-laws ringing me to find out if we received it! The undercurrent is of that it is my job to do it.
Aibu

OP posts:
BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 17/09/2018 18:00

No, not upset at all. Mind you my in laws are so far away that it makes no sense to post stuff, it either takes forever or it goes missing. I don’t know whether DH sends cards to them, I doubt it.

Original poster
Badhairday77 · 17/09/2018 18:05

35 hours is a minimum amount. Some months it is much more. I have no problem doing all the laundry, housework etc. That goes with the territory.
I just think that if he takes in a parcel from his parents when I am working he can send a quick text to thank them. It's not as if he was busy doingtbe laundry or anything whilst I was at work.

OP posts:
YeTalkShiteHen · 17/09/2018 18:06

Those of you who don't buy cards for your PILs, would you be upset if you didn't get a card off them on your birthday?

No. I’m an adult, I don’t expect birthday acknowledgement from anyone. My ILs are dead, that’s why I don’t send them cards.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/09/2018 18:08

You're hardly going to get a card off them if they're dead!

JLG19 · 17/09/2018 18:10

So DH sends thank you cards for your family and remembers to pick up a birthday card for your great aunt Mabel?

We don't send thank you cards, but he will drop them a text, yes. And he does go to the shop to buy cards etc, so yes. He does. But even if he didn't, I wouldn't begrudge sending MIL/whoever a text to say thank you for a present bought for my DC.

YeTalkShiteHen · 17/09/2018 18:10

Well no, but I don’t expect it from anyone. Other ILs included.

KatharinaRosalie · 17/09/2018 18:10

It's a Schrödinger's thank you. Not a big deal to do and won't require any effort, and simultaneously too much of an effort for men to remember.

SnuggyBuggy · 17/09/2018 18:12

I'd be pretty freaked out to get a card from someone who was dead

YeTalkShiteHen · 17/09/2018 18:12

SnuggyBuggy other ILs as well as other adults in general.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/09/2018 18:17

I guess DH does stuff for me. We help each other out a lot. If I knows it's one of his family's birthday coming up I don't see it as a huge burden to buy them a card and even a present if I see something they like.

I can't get worked up about it.

FinallyHere · 17/09/2018 18:18

The undercurrent is of that it is my job to do it.

Don't provide the answer, if they call put 'em on to DH

@womanintrousers Has it spot on "MIL once tried this on me
"* hasn't received a thank you note for the money she sent Mrtrousers for Xmas"
"That's kind of her, I didn't know she'd sent anything, how rude of Mrtrousers, you should say something to him"

That shut her up "

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/09/2018 18:28

This is for the children though Hmm

YeTalkShiteHen · 17/09/2018 18:29

GreatDuckCookery still don’t see why he can’t deal with his own family and leaves it all to her. It’s become about the ILs but the OP wasn’t, literally everything falls to her.

mrsmuddlepies · 17/09/2018 18:35

It is increasingly common for gifts not to be acknowledged. I am older, I always worry that it didn't arrive. So many of my friends are confused about the fact that they are never thanked for birthday gifts to DILs because thanking an in law is seen as wifework ( even if the gift is for them). I am given strict instructions about what to buy for them (Wish list). Never cheap but not apparently worthy of a thank you text or any kind of acknowledgment. I totally appreciate not being thanked for children's gifts and don't expect birthday cards for me but I do feel slightly put out by any reference to their birthday gift (Wish list items are always a minimum of £70)

reallybadidea · 17/09/2018 18:36

I don't think it matters particularly who sent the present or who it was for, but that the OP's DH assumed that the OP would do it. Particularly as he was the one who took receipt of it. I think, given the context, it's indicative of him seeing things like this as not his responsibility.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/09/2018 18:37

He does sort all their presents and cards out though, if he didn't I would be on the OP's side but as it's just an acknowledgement for a present for the child belonging to both the DH and the OP I don't see how it would kill her to send a text saying thanks.

YeTalkShiteHen · 17/09/2018 18:38

I don't think it matters particularly who sent the present or who it was for, but that the OP's DH assumed that the OP would do it. Particularly as he was the one who took receipt of it. I think, given the context, it's indicative of him seeing things like this as not his responsibility

Exactly this.

Fabricwitch · 17/09/2018 18:42

Unless what they are sending is only for him then I think you are equally responsible for thanking them. Either keep bothering him to do it, or do it yourself, whichever is easier.

lexi727 · 17/09/2018 18:45

I'm a SAHM and anything like that my DH does himself! There's a calculator online that works out how many hours you spend doing cleaning, cooking, looking after kids etc and calculates how much you would get paid for them on top of your regular job. Showed my results to my husband once and it made him realise how much I actually do!

YeTalkShiteHen · 17/09/2018 18:46

Unless what they are sending is only for him then I think you are equally responsible for thanking them.

Equally, not solely. Which is what OP said in the first place .

Moreisnnogedag · 17/09/2018 18:54

See I don’t understand why you’ve put this under “wifework” because in reality it’s avtually only when ILs send your children gifts. Yip on this occasion he should have done it but I’m guessing the vast majority of the rest of the time, you’re taking in the parcels. It would seem so petty to wait till he gets back in from work before sending a text.

Original poster
Badhairday77 · 17/09/2018 18:55

The funny thing is that we discussed this issue when we got married. Dh agreed to take on the present buying etc for his side and for me to do mine. He was happy with this as I have a huge family so my job is far more time consuming but I am happy to do this. I always send a thank you for my gifts and would help dds send thank you for their posted gifts once opened. He only has a few. However I still would buy a Mother and Fathers Day card for his parents when I was buying mine anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Badhairday77 · 17/09/2018 18:56

As I said I do mske sure the kids send thanks yous once opened.
Just seems weird that you would ring your dil to check receipt rather than your own son.

OP posts:
Moreisnnogedag · 17/09/2018 19:00

Lexi I get where you’re coming from but I must admit it grates me when people reduce SAHP to their monetary value.

Because let’s be honest lots of those things WOHP have to do to (and whose going to pay them?), SAHP add value to a household that it important without it being monetised and what if the other half is a high earner?

If the WOHP earns a load more than the random cash value of a SAHP it could only further entrench their ideas - “even with all that cooking, cleaning, childcare, you still don’t contribute as much as me so I definitely should sit on my arse all weekend”

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/09/2018 19:04

But why wouldn't you help your DC write a card to their paternal grandparents when you do for your parents?

Honestly it's just petty and mean.