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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bloody wifework

128 replies

Badhairday77 · 17/09/2018 16:57

Ok I do work part time. Average 35 hours a month. As a result I do virtually all the childcare, housework, laundry, ferrying kids around, medical and dental appointments etc etc for our 3 dds. Fair enough as youngest dds are now at school full time.
However it is annoying that I am also expected to be the one to send the thank you etc for dh's family. If my family send something I always reply but expect dh to deal with his family. He doesn't and I than get in-laws ringing me to find out if we received it! The undercurrent is of that it is my job to do it.
Aibu

OP posts:
Lethaldrizzle · 17/09/2018 19:08

Because the father should

needyourlovingtouch · 17/09/2018 19:10

I work full time, but if I averages 35 a month then I would happily take on all the Home stuff

YeTalkShiteHen · 17/09/2018 19:10

But why wouldn't you help your DC write a card to their paternal grandparents when you do for your parents?

Because their father has decided not to do anything outside working, so I’d make a point.

If things were equal otherwise, I’d do it. But not if they weren’t.

nokidshere · 17/09/2018 19:15

No wonder there is such a huge amount of angst around in-laws. Only on mn do I hear his family/my family with such regularity. In my real life, and that of most people I know, family is family regardless of who's "side" they are on.

In our house it's whoever remembers first to do things. It's not his or mine. Or we might say "if you are in town today please could you get a card/present for whoever". And I don't thank people for my children's presents they do that themselves once they are old enough.

If you aren't going to help,each other out so your lives run smoothly then what is the point in being part of a couple?

YeTalkShiteHen · 17/09/2018 19:16

If you aren't going to help,each other out so your lives run smoothly then what is the point in being part of a couple?

Absolutely, as long as it is helping each other out, and not what OP described.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 17/09/2018 19:17

Just seems weird that you would ring your dil to check receipt rather than your own son.

So did they specifically call your own personal number? If so perhaps they just know you are more useful than him... or did they just call the home number and you answered.... my DFIL calls the home number and is happy to chat to whoever answers ... although he does get a much longer conversation if he gets me....

Original poster
Badhairday77 · 17/09/2018 19:20

I do help them to send thank you cards for any posted gifts or sometimes nag the older one to text but I was chased before her birthday. Her birthday is not till tomorrow.
This kind of thing is common.

OP posts:
Failingat40 · 17/09/2018 19:20

Yup, same issues here with in laws expecting me to arrange thank you cards (which are outdated anyway imo)

Apart from the fact they acknowledge my dh & ds birthdays and not mine, I'm expected to get the thanks sorted. I haven't been so twat in law has now taken to actually posting me a blank thank you card to complete and send to her fecking sister!!!

It got returned Grin

Original poster
Badhairday77 · 17/09/2018 19:20

My personal mobile.

OP posts:
MitchDash · 17/09/2018 19:21

They raised these men. If they have a problem with the way these men were raised they should take it up with them. All the women seem to manage adult family duties well enough.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/09/2018 19:23

This is mad. You do all of the laundry, children's appointments, housework and work pt but you're annoyed that you are expected to send a thank you text to PILs!

Maybe get your DH to pull his weight elsewhere OP then you might not be so pissed off when hour PILs ring and ask if your dc have received their present.

TheBitchOfTheVicar · 17/09/2018 19:31

But he didn't. So as not to have people who've sent my child a present, think we are both rude, I would send a text thanking them.

The trouble is, when a man doesn't do this, he is rarely thought rude Angry

TheBitchOfTheVicar · 17/09/2018 19:33

The first paragraph was a quote from @GreatDuckCookery

reallybadidea · 17/09/2018 19:40

But he didn't. So as not to have people who've sent my child a present, think we are both rude, I would send a text thanking them.

Why wouldn't you say "oi DH, you're making me look like a pair of ungrateful twats, can you send a text to say thanks."

As a prospective MIL I would be really disappointed if my own son couldn't be arsed to get in touch to say thanks. It would send a message loud and clear that he didn't appreciate it enough to say it himself.

teaandtoast · 17/09/2018 19:42

Read your own post, @GreatDuckCookery!

'This is mad. You do all of the laundry, children's appointments, housework and work pt but you're annoyed that you are expected to send a thank you text to PILs!'

The straw that breaks the camel's back...

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/09/2018 19:44

Yes I agree. I'd rather a bit more hands on support around the house personally but we're all different I guess.

KatharinaRosalie · 17/09/2018 20:16

Why wouldn't you say "oi DH, you're making me look like a pair of ungrateful twats, can you send a text to say thanks."

Because that's exactly what wifework is. All the mental load that men don't have. But you are supposed to remember the thank you notes and also check if a fully grown adult has remembered theirs and make sure they manage to send them. And add the same load for 1001 other 'little things that take no effort and are not hard to do'..

luckylavender · 17/09/2018 20:33

I just don't understand these threads. I've always worked full time & always been happy to do the 'wife work' if DH does the 'husband work'. And it makes sense for one person to own a whole process so that it's done properly & efficiently. Teaching children good manners & etiquette is an essential part of parenting & learning to thank someone & appreciate a gift given to them is core to this. Face it children would never bother on their own.

Original poster
Badhairday77 · 17/09/2018 20:38

Yes I would ask them to,say thanj you and indeed havs supervised thank you for paties etc. However, if a parcel arrives several days before a birthday on a day I am working than I fail to see why zi should be expected to ring. Because that was the expectation. Otherwise they would have asked their son. Dh obviously doesn't think it's important.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/09/2018 20:47

If the birthday isn't till tomorrow DH can help write a thank you card with DD?

Kemer2018 · 17/09/2018 20:53

Years ago, mil gave me an address book of relatives, including their d.o.b.
I asked her what i needed it for and she said for the cards.
I said why don't you give it to my partner (her son)?
Then i said i find it hard enough to remember my own family birthday so not going to remember his distant aunt and uncle.even with a book...I'd probably lose the book.
He deals with their cards and presents...great

Fatted · 17/09/2018 20:56

My DH does all the cards, presents etc for his family. When his mum told me that he'd missed something or someone, I reminded her that she was the one who raised the idiot who couldn't remember family birthdays. She stopped after that and instead now rings DH to remind him!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/09/2018 21:06

I don't have a problem buying my inlaws cards or sometimes present. I like all of them and don't feel put out by buying them stuff. I'll ask DH if he's got them a card and sometimes he will have it in hand but if not I'll sort it for him. He does stuff for me though so I don't begrudge him.

Howtodeal · 17/09/2018 21:06

I do mine, DH does his. Except what that means is on his side cards are late about half the time, and presents do not get bought / sent at all (they all live far away). I do have a sneaking suspicion that his family think this is my 'fault' as ex-W apparently used to do it all previously and it still gets mentioned that they've had a lovely card from her for whatever occasion....

I used to do it for my ex-PILs as I loved them dearly and wanted to make sure they knew it even if ex forgot occasions, so I guess that's the difference.

Rebecca36 · 17/09/2018 21:07

It isn't your job to write thank you cards for your husband's family but some people are just bad at getting round to doing thank yous and that is annoying for their partner. It would annoy me!

A written note is not essential, a telephone call would do as well and he surely cannot object to that.

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