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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bloody wifework

128 replies

Badhairday77 · 17/09/2018 16:57

Ok I do work part time. Average 35 hours a month. As a result I do virtually all the childcare, housework, laundry, ferrying kids around, medical and dental appointments etc etc for our 3 dds. Fair enough as youngest dds are now at school full time.
However it is annoying that I am also expected to be the one to send the thank you etc for dh's family. If my family send something I always reply but expect dh to deal with his family. He doesn't and I than get in-laws ringing me to find out if we received it! The undercurrent is of that it is my job to do it.
Aibu

OP posts:
Original poster
Badhairday77 · 17/09/2018 17:25

Work part time yes but I also do virtually everything else house related. Plus I was working the day the item arrived and also working school hours today. Dh had a whole weekend to thank them.

OP posts:
Gersemi · 17/09/2018 17:27

On this last occasion I saw red and just told them that it arrived when I was at work and I thought dh had rung to thank them!

How on earth was that rude, GreatDuckCookery? It seems to me an excellent response.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/09/2018 17:28

But they are your children too. I would thank them myself anyway via text whether DH had done or not.

Original poster
Badhairday77 · 17/09/2018 17:28

I think it was a cross post gersemi which I misinterpreted.

OP posts:
BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 17/09/2018 17:29

Keep agreeing with the ILs but pass the blame. “Yes, you should have been thanked by DH. I will tell DH that you are cross with him about that.”

womanintrousers · 17/09/2018 17:29

MIL once tried this on me
" hasn't received a thank you note for the money she sent Mrtrousers for Xmas"
"That's kind of her, I didn't know she'd sent anything, how rude of Mrtrousers, you should say something to him"

That shut her up Grin

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/09/2018 17:30

How was it rude? Someone sends your children a present, they ring to ask if it has arrived and you see red.

How is that not rude?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/09/2018 17:31

BlackAmericanoNoSugar was the present is for the OP's child not for DH.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 17/09/2018 17:34

GreatDuck, also the child of the DH, from the DH’s family, after the DH had agreed that he and the OP should each deal with protocol for their own families.

SnuggyBuggy · 17/09/2018 17:34

You need to say "oh did DH not send a card/present/thank you letter?", that's what I do with BIL/SIL. Not MIL, she gave DH a bollocking the year he didn't bother to do presents Grin

Walkingdeadfangirl · 17/09/2018 17:35

Its a choice isn't it. Men tend to see no point in doing it and choose not to. Women tend to see value in doing it and choose to do it.
If you dont like it just stop doing it, its your choice.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/09/2018 17:37

I just couldn't get wound up by this and certainly wouldn't have been rude on the phone to them.

I guess if you really don't want to send a text to his parents to say thanks then you don't have to. Hopefully he will remember next time.

KatharinaRosalie · 17/09/2018 17:39

When I started my life with DP, his family became mine and vice versa.

So DH sends thank you cards for your family and remembers to pick up a birthday card for your great aunt Mabel? If that's the case, fair enough. Never seen husbands being judged for not remembering to send Mothers' day cards to their MILs though..

Original poster
Badhairday77 · 17/09/2018 17:39

See red was a turn of phrase. I remained polite but I was in a hurry to pick up dds. I just said that it arrived when I was at work and I thought that dh had already sent thanks.

OP posts:
teaandtoast · 17/09/2018 17:39

@GreatDuckCookery - if 'a quick text to say thank you costs nothing', then op's dh can do it just as easily.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/09/2018 17:45

But he didn't. So as not to have people who've sent my child a present, think we are both rude, I would send a text thanking them.

EvaHarknessRose · 17/09/2018 17:45

I like womanintrousers plan. I hate agressive present following up and I hate that childrens thankyous/social invitations/etc are expected far more from women than men.

Chrisinthemorning · 17/09/2018 17:45

I do all this. I don’t mind doing it (and you do, so it shouldn’t be expected if you do mind).
I work PT, DH works FT. He does more than me around the house and I do more planning and admin.
Today for example I took DS to school, did cooking/ tidying/ washing and then did bills/ admin, picked DS up, did homework, DS tea etc. I’ve left DH the ironing because he doesn’t mind it and I hate it. I could have done the ironing and left him the admin, but then the admin wouldn’t have got done.
I don’t think it has to be split everything but more play to your strengths and weaknesses.

crispysausagerolls · 17/09/2018 17:46

I agree with GreatDuckCookery

I also just think if you work less hours you have more time on your hands to deal with these things. Aren’t you a team with you husband? What’s the big deal if you have to do the bloody thanking? As pointed out, they are your children too.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 17/09/2018 17:52

It depends. If you have similar amounts of down time and hobby time, he should take responsibility as they are his family.

Lookingforadvice123 · 17/09/2018 17:52

Ugh I hate the wifework thing. I've never engaged with anything for DH's family so presents/cards (including thank you cards), if they don't get sent from him then fine. Not my problem! So I am with you there.

I do see why the bulk of the rest of the chores is up to you, as you work very few hours with school age children. I would expect it.

RomanyRoots · 17/09/2018 17:52

Tell ils you are sorry their son is so useless he can't sen a card and that you manage it for your family ok.
Then tell dh to pull his finger out, why are you allowing them to treat you like this, your dh included.
He is a parent too, working doesn't exclude you from parenting.
Why isn't he doing dad and husband work?

RangeRider · 17/09/2018 17:54

bill him for every hour you spend doing the rest of everything.
And presumably OP's DH can then bill her for the income he brings in and puts in to the family pot?!
If one person works a lot less than the other (and 35 hours a month is about 8 hours a week - not much) then it's reasonable that they pick up the bulk of the house stuff, particularly when the kids are all at school. Sending the odd text to say thanks is hardly wearing. Maybe OP should work an extra half day a week so DH can work a bit less and use that time to send a text to his parents?!

Gersemi · 17/09/2018 17:54

What’s the big deal if you have to do the bloody thanking?

There isn't one, but equally the in-laws shouldn't blame her if they haven't been thanked when OP's husband bears at least equal responsibility. I wouldn't expect DH to thank my parents for things they give the children, or vice versa.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/09/2018 17:55

Those of you who don't buy cards for your PILs, would you be upset if you didn't get a card off them on your birthday?