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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bloody wifework

128 replies

Badhairday77 · 17/09/2018 16:57

Ok I do work part time. Average 35 hours a month. As a result I do virtually all the childcare, housework, laundry, ferrying kids around, medical and dental appointments etc etc for our 3 dds. Fair enough as youngest dds are now at school full time.
However it is annoying that I am also expected to be the one to send the thank you etc for dh's family. If my family send something I always reply but expect dh to deal with his family. He doesn't and I than get in-laws ringing me to find out if we received it! The undercurrent is of that it is my job to do it.
Aibu

OP posts:
Poisongirl81 · 17/09/2018 21:08

so you work 8 hours a week roughly all kids at school? yabu what do you do all day?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/09/2018 21:10

I'm honestly surprised at how hostile a lot of posters are towards their husbands family. To me DH's family are mine too.

Original poster
Badhairday77 · 17/09/2018 21:24

I have probably underestimated my hours as the when you are self employed you are never really fully off duty.
I also volunteer and I am studying too.
I basically do everything at home. Every school run, club run, every bath time, every bedtime and all the shopping, laundry, housework etc. Dd 1 and 2 also have medical conditions which require input from me and various appointments.
I accept this as I can get some free time during the day now youngest at school full time. That was part of the deal.
However, being made to feel bad for not ringing to thank in-laws for a gift that dh took in was not.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/09/2018 21:29

Why are you concentrating on this phone call OP? A text would take 5 seconds.
Why not look at everything else your husband isn't doing around the house and with his children and focus on getting him to actually pull his weight!

Does he do anything?

Original poster
Badhairday77 · 17/09/2018 21:41

Mixed responses than. Either I should do everything as I don't work fulltime or I should get dh to pull his weight more with the grunt work.
It isn't really even about the text or phone call. Of course the act of doing it is minimal. It is the expection that I should be the one to do it.
I used to speak to my parents almost everyday so I naturally expected dh to have let them know that it had arrived.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/09/2018 21:47

But why aren't you mad at DH for not helping in the day to day running of the house? Mucking in with the DC? But you're mad at him not sending a 5 second text?

Can't you see how this is unbalanced?

Fabricwitch · 17/09/2018 21:48

I've just read over all your pps again and can't fully understand the problem.
They called and asked if it had arrived and you told them it had, what makes you think there's an expectation for you to call?
Do they think you were more like to have been home when it arrived? Were you more likely to? Perhaps they called your DH and he didn't answer, so they called you. It really doesn't seem like a big deal, they were just checking if it had arrived.

reallybadidea · 17/09/2018 21:53

@katherinerosalie I totally agree with you about wife work being a massive (although often under the radar) issue for women in society. However I don't necessarily think reminding your male partner to say thank you falls into that category. It didn't for me anyway, it was part of me making clear that I would not be taking responsibility stuff like this at the beginning of our relationship, I don't do it . I actually don't know whether he thanks his family for things - he's an adult and it's his look out! To be clear, I don't think women should do this, it was just the way I chose to handle it.

reallybadidea · 17/09/2018 21:56

Above should read I don't do it now.

Phineyj · 17/09/2018 22:01

It's a bit of a minefield. DH is fond of my parents but I'm struggling to imagine a situation where he would get round to buying either of them a card or a present. Maybe some wine, unwrapped. It would be nice wine, though. I have bought a great many presents for his family over the years, mainly because they buy us nice things (and me individually) so I would feel rude not to and anyway I like most of them.

However, DH simply doesn't care if people get him cards or gifts or not so I don't find it hypocritical if he forgets to thank them and tbh, if his family don't know he's oblivious by now then they are very unobservant.

I don't think you did anything wrong, OP (no-one likes to be put on the defensive) but this might be a useful opportunity to think about tasks in your relationship generally and decide what your red lines are.

iamawoman · 18/09/2018 15:05

We women create so much work and expectations for ourselves. I don't do OH cards / presents for his family anymore as when I did , I got left to do it all and then their was an expectation to send thank you cards to his family members that I had never met. They probably think i have appalling social etiquette but I have enough to do without being OH unpaid secretary.

goingonabearhunt1 · 18/09/2018 16:33

How old are the DCs? I think they should be taught to thank themselves. I personally think it's nice to send a thank-you card and was always taught to do it as a child but if the ILs are fine with a text, the DCs could do that instead.

goingonabearhunt1 · 18/09/2018 16:34

If DCs are really young, disregard my comment and ask DH to contact MIL.

Original poster
Badhairday77 · 18/09/2018 20:32

I do remind the oldest one to text. The younger two 5 and 7 obviously need assistance. I do facilitate this as much as possible after the event. Or remind dh to.
I think it niggles that I am the go to for the in-laws to check anything like this.
I don't think they see my work as a job.
Anyway early night tonight. Shattered after party.

OP posts:
MilkyTea20 · 18/09/2018 23:45

The whole point of having a SAHM in a household is not only to perform cleaning and catering duties, but also generally to make the like of the working parent easier by doing anything possible to help. This would include writing thank you letters on their behalf.

If I were your DH and you refused to do as you were asked, I'd be having a long, hard think about whether your role at home could really be justified and if it might not be time to send you back to work on a full time basis.

teaandtoast · 19/09/2018 01:52

'The whole point of having a SAHM in a household is not only to perform cleaning and catering duties, ...'

Really, I thought it was to look after the kids. 😂

YeTalkShiteHen · 19/09/2018 06:27

The whole point of having a SAHM in a household is not only to perform cleaning and catering duties, but also generally to make the like of the working parent easier by doing anything possible to help

And in 2018?

Last time I looked, a relationship and a family was about teamwork, respecting each other and working together.

Your description of what you think a SAHP should do is archaic, misogynistic (you used SAHM) and frankly fucking depressing.

I certainly am not some little woman whose sole purpose is to make my man’s life easier. What a depressing idea.

We are a team, and we do it together.

iamawoman · 19/09/2018 07:59

Milkytea Shock are you a man. That is so 1950s......so if a mum stays at home to look after kids because that is the best thing to do for the family as a whole, this means that she must perform all duties that her other half can't be bothered to do. Should she get extra pocket money for this do you think ?

SnuggyBuggy · 19/09/2018 08:04

I managed to do presents and correspondence while working full time, no reason why a man couldn't.

On a practical level I'm happy to help DH choose a present but he has to do the mental labor of remembering and taking the initiative.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 19/09/2018 09:38

Surly its perfectly normal to expect the person who is looking after the children to be the person to write thank you cards for their presents. Its not to do with whether or not its a stay at home father or mother.

laurG · 19/09/2018 09:41

I think the worst thing is that it’s also the wife that gets blamed if cards etc don’t get sent. Even my mum who claims to be a feminist says stuff like,’not even a word of thanks from her’......

Original poster
Badhairday77 · 19/09/2018 09:53

Well my full time working spouse does have it easy. Plenty of time for hobbies at the weekend and a good 4 hours every nights leisure/chill time. Doesn't have to worry about his prescriptions or servicing the car.
Meanwhile I once home from a two week holiday with laundry for 5 went straight into a weekend of full time work and He puts one wash on.
If it's mutual than he should step up when I have busy periods.
For balance I get 6 hours Monday to Friday to do household tasks, study, and a few hours work here and there. I am still picking up dd from activities at 9 or 10pm some nights.
I

OP posts:
Original poster
Badhairday77 · 19/09/2018 09:54

Forget the school volunteering.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/09/2018 10:01

Your anger at thanking your PILs for a present for your children is displaced OP.
Your DH isn't pulling his weight in the house or with his children. That needs addressing first.

Why are you enabling him to be a lazy sod?

SnuggyBuggy · 19/09/2018 10:06

I bet if both parents worked full time it would still be wifey expected to do this.

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