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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want my evenings back? How do you manage?

114 replies

letsleepingbabieslie · 17/09/2018 10:28

Since DCs started sleeping through the night, they tended to go to bed around 7 /7.30. After the exhaustion of witching hour and bedtime, DH and I had a couple of hours to ourselves. Admittedly, this time mostly consisted of tidying up, cooking, eating, washing up, paying bills, sorting laundry, etc - not wild nights out. But at least it was peace and quiet and occasionally, maybe, some TV!
Now DS1 is 7 and not ready to sleep until at least 8.30, usually closer to 9. There's no point putting him down earlier as it just ends up with constant back and forth. We love him of course, but having his company in the evening means we can't watch grown up TV (too scary), have adult conversations (there are some family issues we can't discuss with him in the room), or just enjoy the peace and quiet of not having someone asking questions every ten seconds.
Somebody, please tell me how you salvage some grown up time once your kids no longer went to bed so early? What are your evenings like?
Going a bit insane for lack of adult time at the moment...

OP posts:
Original poster
letsleepingbabieslie · 17/09/2018 10:29

I suppose a subquestion to this post is, what time do your kids go to bed and how old are they?
DS1 - 7 years, 8.30 - 9pmish
DS2 - 4 years, 7.30 - 8pmish

OP posts:
MynameisJune · 17/09/2018 10:30

Would he read in his room from 8:30 or something? That’s what I’d be encouraging, then you go up at 9 do lights out/goodnight etc?

Use babysitters more until he turns into a teenager and you’ll never see him anyway.

TheFifthKey · 17/09/2018 10:31

My DS is the same so he goes to bed at the same time as younger DD (7.30-8) but has a digital clock in his room and he knows he can’t stay awake after 9. He can read, draw, play quietly or even listen to the radio but he’s not allowed to roam around the house or annoy me. I generally bob in around 9 to do a final kiss and tuck in but he’s sometimes asleep already by then.

Bobbiepin · 17/09/2018 10:31

Could you put the older one to bed half an hour earlier with the condition that he doesn't have to sleep but can read for that time? Make a big deal over going to the library or getting some comic books etc and that's his independent grown up time. Might help to calm him down before sleep time.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 17/09/2018 10:33

We send our 7 yo upstairs to read to himself - the 2yo is in bed by 7.15 and the 7yo goes up at 7.30, either to read in our bed if 2yo is being annoying or his own bed. Lights out at 8 ish on a term time weekday, later on weekends or holidays.

Alpacanorange · 17/09/2018 10:33

Your options could include :-
Give up on the idea of having your evening to yourself.
Children that stay up later, help with light duties, clear table, bring washing down etc, if they dont fancy it, they read in bed.
Husband put children to bed, you do the jobs and meet in front of the tv at a set time, then swap the next evening.

Gottagetmoving · 17/09/2018 10:34

I don't remember it being a problem when my kids were young. I told them that after 8 pm was 'my time'
They got my attention the rest of the time so by 8pm they had had a bath and would read in their bedroom until they were tired, or do some other quiet activity.
You set the rules.

GreenMeerkat · 17/09/2018 10:37

DD1 (almost) 5yo - 7pm
DD2 3yo - 6.30pm

cloudtree · 17/09/2018 10:37

9pm is too late for a 7YO IMO. Until mine were in senior school it was up to bed at 7.30.

SheldonSaysSo · 17/09/2018 10:38

For our 7 year old he goes to bed at 7.30 and can read until 8 (in bed only). In school holidays it may be a bit later

LemonBreeland · 17/09/2018 10:43

It only gets worse, sorry but it's true.

DS1 (15) goes to bed after me.
DS2 (11) goes to bed at 8.30-9.00
DD (7) goes to bed 7.30 ish

8.30-9 does seem quite late for a 7 year old. I presume your DC don't have to get up very early. I would insist on bedroom by 8.00pm and lights out at 8.30 at that age.

Cardiganandcuppa · 17/09/2018 10:44

I try to get mine upstairs at about 7:30. Then they can read or whatever quietly in bed till lights out.

Hideandgo · 17/09/2018 10:44

Mine is 5.5 and I’ve no problem putting him down at 7.30pm. He just chills out, looks at books, draws, listens to his radio till he’s ready to sleep. I won’t be having him down with us after 8 even when he’s older.

Kids can learn any routine you make the effort to teach them so just think about what would be acceptable to you and implement it.

Singlebutmarried · 17/09/2018 10:45

DD is 7 and goes to bed between 8:30-9:00

Sending her up any earlier results in a billion trips up and down the stairs for all sorts of reasons (wonky finger, itchy sheet, lost toy, sore nose......)

IMissGin · 17/09/2018 10:48

My 7yo is still in bed at 7:30. If she’s not tired/weekend then she can read etc then I go up and put her light out at 8:30.

Gottagetmoving · 17/09/2018 10:52

Sending her up any earlier results in a billion trips up and down the stairs for all sorts of reasons (wonky finger, itchy sheet, lost toy, sore nose......)

She's got you where she wants you. Grin

happymummy12345 · 17/09/2018 10:58

Our 3 year old goes to bed at 7, sometimes he wants to go a bit earlier if he's tired. Then it's time to tidy up, eat myself and then sit down. I often start tidying while he's up, he likes to help.
My husband is often not home until midnight or later, so I put ds to bed and get sorted. Then sit down.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 17/09/2018 10:59

My daughter is 5 and goes to bed at 8.

Since she came home from hospital we've made the point that bed time is bed time. Putting her down at 7 etc.

Since she was about 3, we've put her down, read a story and said night. I don't care if she goes to sleep straight away, she knows she can sit quietly and read a book but that's bedtime end of.

If DD keeps getting up and down, we would take the book away.

She now just goes I bed fine and les getting up and down. She only really comes down if she feels ill.

Original poster
letsleepingbabieslie · 17/09/2018 11:00

Thanks all. I think we missed the trick when we started letting him come down later - should have done the 'read in bed' option. Will try to swap to this but i predict big protests.
I agree his bedtime seems late but he genuinely isn't tired earlier and wakes up on time in the morning. We're v lucky that we live directly opposite his school so he could get up at 8.20 and still be on time. He usually wakes around 7.30 though.

OP posts:
sallythesheep73 · 17/09/2018 11:01

8 y.o. lights out at 8pm (she can read in her room before that)
5 y.o lights out at 7.30pm

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 17/09/2018 11:03

DS1 is 12 (a few weeks shy of 13) and goes up around 9, asleep by 10.

DS2 is 7 and goes up around 7.30/8 and is asleep by 9.

I can't cope with the whole up-down-up-down thing and would rather have a slightly later bedtime with no dicking about from them. They read in their beds or listen to audiobooks, but there's no marching up and down or demands. My rule is that if you can't sleep, so long as you're in bed and resting I don't mind you being awake.

DH and I generally sit down together at 9pm and have a glass of wine and watch an hour of something knowing it's 'our' time. Anything pre-9pm is a write-off.

dueanotherchange · 17/09/2018 11:03

Sending her up any earlier results in a billion trips up and down the stairs for all sorts of reasons (wonky finger, itchy sheet, lost toy, sore nose......)

DD1 tries this. She doesn't get very far. Well, she gets a bit further when DH is around but I shut it down fast. If she's done a couple of nights where she's tried it on I reiterate when I'm saying goodnight that I don't want any of that nonsense. She gets to read to wind down but I don't want her out of her room unless she needs the loo.

The DDs are 5 & 6 and they're both in bed with lights out by 7.30.

powerwalk · 17/09/2018 11:03

In my experience ironing this out now will save a lot of stress.

My dd 13 and 10 have baths at 7pm (quiet time with me) and bed for 8pm. 13yr old is out like a light before 8.30pm (she does long school hours and lots of sports) During the holidays she is up until 9.30pm. Little one stays up reading and playing (but in bed) asleep by 9-9.15pm.

After 8pm is my time and unless they are ill they stay in their rooms.

Weekends it is a whole different story. Both up and downstairs to 9.30pm. We watch a film together or something on TV.

I need at least an hour of downtime. If I had everyone downstairs to 9.30pm and I go to bed at 10pm I would start to feel very frayed and stressed.

As dds get older, we will make a TV teen den for them to relax so I have time to talk to dh in peace and watch adult programmes.

fastfooder · 17/09/2018 11:04

Get him to go to his room when the younger D.C goes to bed he does not have to sleep but it’s now adult time. He can read, play with toys or video games or watch tv for an hour then 30mins before bed everything must be off for a whine down then bedtime.

Enko · 17/09/2018 11:04

Mine are teenagers so no such thing as our evenings. Dh and I have had to work around it to work out how to get time for us.

It was tough around the 9-12 year mark where they were not old enough to be left alone but old enough to not need early bedtimes

However as they say " this too shall pass" and we did muddle our way through it.

Sorry not a lot of advice only they do grow and how we parent changes after those needs. (and as teenagers they do offer cups of tea at times)