Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want my evenings back? How do you manage?

114 replies

letsleepingbabieslie · 17/09/2018 10:28

Since DCs started sleeping through the night, they tended to go to bed around 7 /7.30. After the exhaustion of witching hour and bedtime, DH and I had a couple of hours to ourselves. Admittedly, this time mostly consisted of tidying up, cooking, eating, washing up, paying bills, sorting laundry, etc - not wild nights out. But at least it was peace and quiet and occasionally, maybe, some TV!
Now DS1 is 7 and not ready to sleep until at least 8.30, usually closer to 9. There's no point putting him down earlier as it just ends up with constant back and forth. We love him of course, but having his company in the evening means we can't watch grown up TV (too scary), have adult conversations (there are some family issues we can't discuss with him in the room), or just enjoy the peace and quiet of not having someone asking questions every ten seconds.
Somebody, please tell me how you salvage some grown up time once your kids no longer went to bed so early? What are your evenings like?
Going a bit insane for lack of adult time at the moment...

OP posts:
Looneytune253 · 17/09/2018 11:07

I think you just need to get used to it. My dd is 13 now and though it’s hard to get your head around at first you get used to it

anonymousbird · 17/09/2018 11:07

My 14 year old goes to bed at 9, lights out by 9.30. DD (almost 13) is the same and she will often take herself off earlier as she's tired.

perfectionistchaos · 17/09/2018 11:08

Bedtime doesn't have to mean sleep time. I tell mine that I can't make them sleep, but I can make them have a quiet gentle end to the day. They can read, write a diary, or do anything else that involves being in bed with only a small light on. What they can't do is come downstairs and bother us.

I always say that they need to wind down and relax before they sleep, but to be honest, it's just as much that I need to wind down and relax without them! Grin

sprinklesandsauce · 17/09/2018 11:10

I think when DD was 7 she was in bed around 7.30pm. If she got out, she was put back. They do learn that you mean it if you stick to it. Now she is 10, she goes to bed around 8.30-9pm, sometimes later. The aim is to get her into bed for 8.30pm and allow her to read for half an hour.

Some evenings I then watch TV or read a book and do nothing else, as I have a stressful job and need some downtime with nothing else to do.

Original poster
letsleepingbabieslie · 17/09/2018 11:14

fastfooder 'a whine down before bedtime' - never has a typo been so true! And agree with all the rest - it's ME that needs the quiet time much more than DS but i don't know how to tell him nicely ' mummy can't relax when you're still around please shut up and go away'....

OP posts:
Ladybug100 · 17/09/2018 11:18

Daughter 10 years. Go to bed at 6.30 sleep at 7. Sleep 12 hours. Love it. Son 15. Way too late. Always tired.

spacefighter · 17/09/2018 11:20

My youngest goes down at 7 and my 7 year old tends to go up at 7.30 but reads until 8, normally when I look in he is asleep by 8.

FrenchJunebug · 17/09/2018 11:25

my son, 7, goes to bed at 8 but he is allowed to play in his room for a bit. He is also under strict instructions not to come to the living room as it is MY time.

TomHardysNextWife · 17/09/2018 11:26

Ours were always sent up by 7 at primary school, told to bath and they had to have their lights off by 8. They weren't allowed tv/screens after tea but would often read or listen to audio books/music instead and sit in each others rooms chatting. I think they need to wind down after the day, and I think you also need time to yourself. Even when DD1 went to secondary we kept the same routine to be honest.

It's funny but now we've only got 2 left at home (22 and 20), they are asleep in bed most nights by 10pm and up for 7am in the week. They both love their sleep and always have Grin

HermioneGoesBackHome · 17/09/2018 11:29

You are go g to hate me but
At the age of your dcs, my two dcs wee in bed by 7.00~7.30pm. it stayed like this until they were about 10yo.

They are now teenagers and
Dc1 who is 15 is in bed by 9.00pm ish
Dc2 who is 13 is in bed by 8.30pm.

The rule in our house is ‘if you are tired, go to bed’ followed by ‘if I need to wake you up in the am, then you haven’t slept enough and you need to go to bed earlier’.

Seems to have worked. (And had nothing to do with having adult time together. Just that inREALLY believe sleep is something just as essential as food and air)

MaryDollNesbitt · 17/09/2018 11:29

9 p.m. is FAR too late for a 7yo to be going to sleep. My 11yo DD is in bed with lights out at 9 p.m. during the week. Confused

I don't understand why you're giving him the option. He's 7! Tell him to go to bloody bed. If you have to frog march him upstairs multiple times then so be it. It is that simple.

Without meaning to sound like a total witch, I don't get the relaxed attitudes to sleep. Getting enough sleep is crucial to a child's development. Loving him is neither here nor there. Of course you love him! But you have to leave the 'cool best friend' act to his friends at school and pick up the 'parent' gig here. He's a young boy and he needs his sleep. He really doesn't get to dictate when he goes to bed ... Hmm

DarlingNikita · 17/09/2018 11:30

I'd talk to him in a nice and age-appropriate way about it being important for everyone to get independent time, children and adults.

I agree with making it a fun and exciting, grown-up thing – going to the library with him etc – and promoting quiet time for him as a desirable thing.

bigKiteFlying · 17/09/2018 11:39

Audio books or reading in room, quiet playing or craft that doesn't require glue and stuff - so they get quiet time in pj with teeth done before lights out.

BaggyAndABitLooseAtTheSeams · 17/09/2018 11:41

9pm is very late for a 7 year old - what time are they getting up in the morning? At this age they need 10-11 hours sleep

bigKiteFlying · 17/09/2018 11:42

While I agree it seems a late bedtime for such a young child and sleep is very important for development - some children/.adults do seem to require less sleep than normal or usual and it's possible OP DS is one of them.

Iamablanket · 17/09/2018 11:43

9:00 is definitely too late for a 7 year old, my 14 year goes to bed at 9:30 on school nights!

BertrandRussell · 17/09/2018 11:46

I suggest you start introducing the policy you will need over the next few years. Past a particular time rhe choice is bed, or conforming to grown up rules. So all conversation, TV choices and behaviour is governed by adults.

Thebluedog · 17/09/2018 11:49

My 6 yr goes up and in bed at 7, but she doesn’t stop so needs her sleep

My 10 yr old goes up at 8 but is allowed to read for a bit as long as she’s trying to sleep at a reasonable time

Taffeta · 17/09/2018 11:49

DC 12 & 14.

12 yo bed at 8.30-7.45
14 yo bed at 10

BUT .... we go out and leave them now! Not for long. And they’re often not in the living room with us, and are often out at weekends. The dynamic just shifts as they get older.

FarrahMoan · 17/09/2018 11:50

My 11yo has only started stopping downstairs in the evening in the last 6 months. It's nice as DH is putting DS2 to bed then walking the dog. BUT it does mean he's stopped reading

CocoDeMoll · 17/09/2018 11:50

Ds 5 months and Dd 5 yrs
It’s wildcard for us. Some evenings just click and they’re both asleep by 7pm. Others are a shit show the circles around dd getting into my bed and waking the baby and then getting baby back to sleep then hugging dd to sleep (and by this point I usually fall asleep with her) and that’s my evening done!!

QuestionableMouse · 17/09/2018 11:52

Why can't he play in his room on his own for a few hours on a night? I used to as a kid (or played out if the weather was okay).

Waspnest · 17/09/2018 11:56

I think DD went to bed at about 7.30 ish when she was 7 yo with lights out at 8 (didn't mind what she did for that half hour so long as she was in bed - I think it was usually us reading her a story and then her colouring in whilst listening to an audiobook). Now she's nearly 12 and just started secondary school and it's lights off at 9pm. She's fine with this because she's knackered (has to get up earlier to catch a bus and seems to be doing way more PE than at primary). A friend's DD (same age) has started going to bed voluntarily at 8.30 because she's so tired.

I agree with promoting it as quiet time being a good healthy thing for him (because I doubt many 7 y olds give a toss about giving their parents metime!). Be firm and a bit stern if he keeps coming downstairs. I think getting into a sensible routine now (including no screens in bedroom at bedtime etc.) really helps as they become teenagers.

Sleeplikeasloth · 17/09/2018 11:58

Meh, it's all personal preference really. My one year old goes is in bed 8ish, so less evenings (though I'm rarely in bed before midnight), but then doesn't get up until gone 8.

If you want your 7 year old to go to bed at 7, and they will sleep for 10-11 hours, you get your evenings but a 5-6am start.

(and before anyone says thst it doesn't make a diggerencr for their child, it does, just you've got to stick to a time for weeks for them to adjust - it's like them changing time zone)

So pick the window of time that you'd prefer, and pick bedtime accordingly!