AIBU to want my evenings back? How do you manage?

[letsleepingbabieslie]

Since DCs started sleeping through the night, they tended to go to bed around 7 /7.30. After the exhaustion of witching hour and bedtime, DH and I had a couple of hours to ourselves. Admittedly, this time mostly consisted of tidying up, cooking, eating, washing up, paying bills, sorting laundry, etc - not wild nights out. But at least it was peace and quiet and occasionally, maybe, some TV!
Now DS1 is 7 and not ready to sleep until at least 8.30, usually closer to 9. There's no point putting him down earlier as it just ends up with constant back and forth. We love him of course, but having his company in the evening means we can't watch grown up TV (too scary), have adult conversations (there are some family issues we can't discuss with him in the room), or just enjoy the peace and quiet of not having someone asking questions every ten seconds.
Somebody, please tell me how you salvage some grown up time once your kids no longer went to bed so early? What are your evenings like?
Going a bit insane for lack of adult time at the moment...

Yes this is driving us mad also.
Younger son -4 goes up about 7-30 and we read together and chat before lights out(partner and I take it in turns to do the reading but we both go up for a kiss and goodnight hug)
Eldest son-11 and usually get him into his room for 9 where he can read/draw/listen to radio for 10/15 mins until lights out.
We don't tend to bother doing anything "us" until after 9-30, usually this involves watching tv and having some wine.
towards the start of the week however I just tend to go up to bed after eldest is settled in his room and read as I am tired and it feels like half the night has gone already!!
Eldest does sleep out at his Grandparents once a month so we do have more time then usually we get the other Grandparents to babysit and we go out for a meal/drinks.
I agree you could start sending son up to bed half an hour earlier and letting him have his own time in his room to wind down...

My 10 year old goes upstairs at 7:45pm, then we both get on the bed and read our own books until 8:20. Then he gets ready for bed and it is lights out by 8:35pm.

I feel the above is a little early for a 10 year old, but he takes an hour to eat his breakfast (eating issues) so needs to get up early.

Question for those who let dc play in bedroom - doesn't that make younger kids get out of bed? He shares room with DS2 (age 4) who is def ready to sleep at 7.30.

We moved and they got their own rooms before it became a real issue.

Before that our girls shared - we got a light for DD1 so she could be up a bit - but DD2 was still quiet young but it could cause issues. DH suggested headphones for DD1 but I wasn't keen on DD1 falling asleep with them on. DD1 was good at being quiet so it did kind of work.

I shared with a much younger sister as a child - it was hard. At primary I got put to bed very early for my age and then my parents complained didn't sleep or was up early. At secondary as allowed gradually up later usually as I was still doing homework. I was often in kitchen part of house away from living room - my younger sibling asleep and older one in their own room - but yea I don't think my parents appreciated having me around despite fact TV was in different room.

Are screens or curtains between the beds possible?

DS 7 - 8
DD 11 - 8.30

They play in their room or go on WiFi in ours (free WiFi in the street).

I shouldn't have read this thread, feel like a right failure.

My nearly 7 year old has never gone to sleep by himself. I.e. without someone in the room. Even the sleep consultant failed. And the psy.

He hates sleeping (nightly nightmares and frequent sleepwalking). He's scared to be left in a room by himself during the day, let alone the night.

Almost every night he kicks off. No amount of reward charts or punishments have worked. Only thing that works is me staying with him until he's asleep.

cloudtree it depends when they have to get up.

Our 7 year old is in bed by 8pm, I think 8.30-9pm is too late!

Oh and times
Nearly 7 year old - 9pm during the week, 8.20 ish at the weekend
4 year old - 8.45 during the week, 8pm at the weekend.

Why the difference? Because in the week DS2 has a nap at school (argh!) which throws out his evening sleep. And DS1 won't go to bed until DS2 is asleep so....

They both wake between 6 and 7.

DS1 has never needed a lot of sleep. Max. 10 hours.
DS2 is better and gets 10-11 hours a night.

Oh and here I'm told that it's no wonder my DS2 (4) wakes early (6-7am) when I put him to bed so early (8pm)!!! Cultural differences

I know not everyone uses screen time before bed but if DS is in PJs, teeth and medication done and we haven't yet finished tidying up from tea/washing etc. then he gets to have some tablet time. He usually chooses to sit at the dining table if we are pottering in the kitchen but if we really want to talk we can put him in the living room while we're e.g. in the kitchen.
DH is dreadful for starting grownup chats at the dinner table (he forgets they aren't 2 any more) so we also need our separate time!

Ah Snow I do sympathise as we've gone through periods of that with either DC but thankfully only ever temporary and we knew they could in theory do it on their own.

I must be the worst mother ever as mine get sent up to bed to sleep at 7pm and aren't allowed to come out of their room until 7am.

Occasionally I will let them have a late night but they still have to be in their bedrooms for 7.

To be fair I am doing an access course so have loads of coursework to do which I can't really do if they are around.

Thanks drs He is such an anxious child and we struggle with several other parts of his behaviour and I've had so many bad nights since he was born that at the moment we just go with what we can to get everyone to have a half-way decent sleep.

Mine are 5 and 9 and have to share a room. I have to say I have pretty much given up on the 9 year old. She just simply will not go to bed at what I would call a decent time. She doesn’t need much sleep and once I accepted that, the evenings have actually been much nicer, because I’m not spending the whole evening back and forth trying to get her to bed. So now I put the 5 yr old to bed around 7.30 ish on a good day and she is allowed to be downstairs until she feels ready to go to bed. This is on the understanding she gives me my own time (husband often v late home) so if I am working or reading etc she has to play or watch a film or read etc. Some nights we watch age appropriate things together also. I have to be honest, if you’d told me all this a few years ago I’d have said never in a million years- she was on a strict Gina ford routine and in bed door shut at 7pm for many many years! It’s not for everyone my way though, and I do sometimes wish I had my own time in the evenings.

mishmashmosher - worst ever mum by kids' standards. BEST ever by parents' standards. Please could you come and get control of my house....

My 8 year old reads from half 7 until 8 then in bed straight to sleep.

Personally I have never understood the notion of 'our time ' when you have children, unless you hire babysitters and go out. At 7 years he should understand he has to stay in bed and needs his sleep, what is his night time routine, do you read to him and let him have his light on to read a bit longer? Have you tried story tapes?

No offence but you have to just suck it up! Part of parenting I'm afraid. What will you do when they are teenagers and stay up as late as you do. It is rubbish but not alot you can do about it!

I think you need to toughen up and be less permissive! He is 7. You are the adult.

Take him up at 7.30. Read him a story. Tell him he can listen to an audiobook until 8.30 (put it on a sleep timer).

Or tolerate him downstairs until 8.30 but tell him after 7.30 mummy is having adult time and he has to sit quietly and colour / read or go upstairs to bed and isn't to disturb you.

If there is any messing around he goes to bed.

He doesn't get to watch TV after 7.30, you can watch what you want. Obvs not anything with 'adult' content but most stuff is suitable just boring for a 7 year old and you can wait until he goes to bed at 8.30 to watch your 'adult' stuff.

If there is any messing about at the 8.30 bed time then the time gets brought forwards until he behaves.

i predict big protests
Then pull on your big girl parent pants and deal.

I think it is inevitable that they don't feel so tired, unless they have done lots of sport in the afternoon (is that a possibility after school - swimmign always helps?) I would definitely not have video games and telly (in fact any "blue" light source) before bed, it has been shown to stimulate the brain and reduce the likelhood that they will wind down.

We learnt the hard way it was better to just do jobs upstairs and hang around in their rooms and they were much more likely to drop off with us present, whereas if we tried to carve out alone time downstairs they would join us.

Alternatively just let them join you, chat, do stuff with them (boring stuff like getting ready for next day, packing bags, wiping worktops whilst talking to them) then all go upstairs together read a story and lie down on their beds (and fall yourself in to a deep sleep, which is what I recommend!)

Adult time is now officially doomed. You can morph your life into happy adult and child time if you look at it from a different angle. Watch adult programmes in bed on your iplayer.

mine are 6&7 and go to bed between 7pm-8pm depending on the day (it's later on school holidays and weekends). They're allowed half hour reading & settling down time and then have to at least try to go to sleep.
Tbh I just ignore them getting up and going to the loo or for a drink unless they're only arsing about and the only answer I give to any questions is a boring, "Ask me in the morning."
I go in & give a kiss if they're still awake when I go up but I otherwise just leave them to it.

8 yrs 7pm
5 yrs 7pm
Asleep inseconds
12/13 hours unbroken

I am blessed. Good thing too as a single mum

I thought you were going to be talking about teenagers.

My (young) teen goes up round 9. But has autonomy on when sleep actually happens, as reading, listening to music with headphones, quiet activities are all ok after that as long as they get enough sleep overall.

I consider 9pm until 12-12.30 to be quite enough evening tbh. Enough time for some jobs, a chat, a late dinner, a film, a bath....how much more evening is actually needed?

Dd 4 - 7pm
Da 2 - 7pm

We plan to keep this bedtime for as long as we can. I believe when I was 8 I still went to bed at 7/730pm.

serksba. This really doesn't work with some children.

I say this as someone who was genuinely shocked by some permissive parents who never put their children to bed and complain they are badly behaved all the time (probably lack of sleep)

Routines are good, but it can be a routine where parent and child are together not parted. I think they begin to want to be part of your life, it is a developmental stage. They genuinely don't get the idea of you doing things that are separate from them, they just want your company in the evenings. I think they are wired to feel safer that way. Board games are good ways to wind down, and you can both listen to an audio book together.