AIBU to want my evenings back? How do you manage?

[letsleepingbabieslie]

Since DCs started sleeping through the night, they tended to go to bed around 7 /7.30. After the exhaustion of witching hour and bedtime, DH and I had a couple of hours to ourselves. Admittedly, this time mostly consisted of tidying up, cooking, eating, washing up, paying bills, sorting laundry, etc - not wild nights out. But at least it was peace and quiet and occasionally, maybe, some TV!
Now DS1 is 7 and not ready to sleep until at least 8.30, usually closer to 9. There's no point putting him down earlier as it just ends up with constant back and forth. We love him of course, but having his company in the evening means we can't watch grown up TV (too scary), have adult conversations (there are some family issues we can't discuss with him in the room), or just enjoy the peace and quiet of not having someone asking questions every ten seconds.
Somebody, please tell me how you salvage some grown up time once your kids no longer went to bed so early? What are your evenings like?
Going a bit insane for lack of adult time at the moment...

Snow some children do just need you. I have three, and one was particularily bad at going to sleep by herself. Two were fine and in strict routines earlier in their life (actually all of them were) but as they got older things did deterioate by those earlier standards, although as I say I just learned to enjoy the time, and I don't think it was anything to do with me being strict or not strict just a different circadian clock kicking in.

I think as a parent you will always be frustrated if you think routines will stay the same forever regardless of the child's age. They change and their habits change.

A child who is jumping around maniacally at bedtime is over stimulated and probably over tired, but there might be all sorts of reasons for that, and you have to decide what they are, before issuing strict instructions to stay in your room and go to sleep.

Snowonseine - it's really really important to remember and BELIEVE that children aren't all the same and that there are always outliers. I say this as a woman with two children who couldn't be more different on sleep if they tried. And I am so so tired of having to justify why DS' sleep patterns are so outside of the norm that sometimes I feel like I should print off the standard statements I find myself making and just hand them over when I get other people making suggestions. You know, a multiple choice like this:

Yes, we have tried (tick as applicable):

• telling him we're right outside and he will be okay.
• letting him cry

-cuddling him

• earlier bed time

-later bed time

• story/ music/ audio book

etc etc etc.

OP - sorry to derail somewhat there. I just felt for Snow as I have a child who is a complete nightmare and understand what it's like (I also have a child who goes to bed at 7:15 every night, then sleeps straight through for 12-13 hours and who insists that DH and I leave the room so that she can sleep. She has had wobbles and issues at time, like most children, all of which were sorted with the hints and tips available on books, parenting websites and through general school yard chitchat).

I consider 9pm until 12-12.30 to be quite enough evening tbh

God, I need to go to bed by about 10.30

Lets
you're setting yourself up to fail before you even begin here.
Firstly - of course you need 'your' time. Don't ever apologise for that.

Away with this 'I'll try' and 'telling him nicely' business - you will make this happen and you will tell him firmly and you will take no whining. You are the adult - you tell him that after 7.30 it's Mummy and Daddy / adult time downstairs and he stays in his room. He can read, play quietly until 8.30-9 when you will come up and tuck him in, say goodnight. There will be no coming / calling downstairs or yes you will be cross and there will be consequences to this, one of which is having a cross Mummy and Daddy, who are not fun.

Think positive and plan for some disruption (as he has been ruling the roost and you're taking back the adult power). So you have some consequences ready, which are thought through rather than then rushed ones which happen when you're feeling annoyed and on the spot.

Not only are you setting about getting your evenings back, you are also giving your son a very useful lesson in that he can't always have what he wants. I also have a sneaky suspicion that in the calmer, quiet bedroom your DS may fall asleep quicker than downstairs where the action is. It may be OK for him to get up at 8.20 and still be ready for school, but the 3-4 years time when he's off to secondary school he'll need to be up and out earlier, so get him used to having plenty of time in the morning, or you'll have a real hassle with trying to get a teenager up and out (they turn nocturnal - it's a proven fact!)

It may take you a week or so, but it really is worth investing the time - it will have a positive impact in areas other than just bedtimes.

I have a 9yo DS and 6yo DD and they go upstairs to their bedrooms at 8pm. They can go to bed if they like or if not, they can read, listen to audio books or do some other quiet activity and then lights out by 9pm.

However, my DD is the queen of messing around at bedtime and the reality is she still comes downstairs a few times to ask inane questions, or they mess around upstairs (not a quiet activity), but we keep trying to enforce it...not sure what else we can do! Often our day ends with shoutin at them! Hopefully they'll get it one day...but by then, of course, DD2 (3 months) will be in the mix and causing even more chaos!

Both mine have to be in rooms by 8. Ds2 is 5 so bed time for him then anyway. Ds2 8 is 8 45. He knows that it is adult time and there will be consequences he comes out for anything other a wee. I’m not being harsh but I was an adult and in a relationship long before I had children.

So are you still going to be sending your children to their rooms when they are 14? 17?

We do upstairs time from about 7pm- time for the kids to unwind separately in their rooms. Or play together nicely if they can manage!

Games consoles only allowed on fri, sat, sun so upstairs time during the week can involve tv, reading, drawing, Lego etc etc.

They can come downstairs if they have something important to say, need a drink etc etc or if I am late home and haven't seen them much in the evening. But the general rule is downstairs is an adults only zone in the evening.

My dd had a bedtime of 7.30 until the end of Primary School, then 8.30 until aged about 13 I think. After that I let her choose when to go to bed. It made life so much easier, both for me as a single parent desperate for some "me time" and also meant that she got a decent night's sleep every night and so wasn't grumpy or moody in the mornings.

So are you still going to be sending your children to their rooms when they are 14? 17?

No, but we can sit down at 9pm and watch an episode of something we are all happy with on netflix. And they don’t ask me questions every 2 mins. Or wriggle as much as they used to on the sofa.

We never ever got this right, and now DD is 13 and DS 12, sometimes I even go to bed before they do!

So are you still going to be sending your children to their rooms when they are 14? 17?

Actually mines are teenagers (14 and 16yo) and yes I still do remind them of the time. Because, just like us adults, they get lost in their games and don’t see the time disappearing.
They set their ‘bedtime’ though. At a stupidly early hour because that’s what works for them. They know they don’t feel tired the next day then.

I’m struggling to see what is wrong with them or anyone going to bed early.

letsleeping DD's usually watching YouTube in our room by DS2's bedtime.

My DD went through a phase if coming back downstairs at this age.We sorted by both having books ready and if we heard her open her bedroom door we'd turn the telly off and be absorbed in our books.We gave one with answers.She would get bored and go back to bed.Took a week to before she gave up.