AIBU to want my evenings back? How do you manage?

[letsleepingbabieslie]

Since DCs started sleeping through the night, they tended to go to bed around 7 /7.30. After the exhaustion of witching hour and bedtime, DH and I had a couple of hours to ourselves. Admittedly, this time mostly consisted of tidying up, cooking, eating, washing up, paying bills, sorting laundry, etc - not wild nights out. But at least it was peace and quiet and occasionally, maybe, some TV!
Now DS1 is 7 and not ready to sleep until at least 8.30, usually closer to 9. There's no point putting him down earlier as it just ends up with constant back and forth. We love him of course, but having his company in the evening means we can't watch grown up TV (too scary), have adult conversations (there are some family issues we can't discuss with him in the room), or just enjoy the peace and quiet of not having someone asking questions every ten seconds.
Somebody, please tell me how you salvage some grown up time once your kids no longer went to bed so early? What are your evenings like?
Going a bit insane for lack of adult time at the moment...

Our DS is 11 years old, just started senior school.

Until this summer he went to bed by 7.15pm - 7.30pm (probably from 8 years old onwards) with lights out within half an hour.

He now goes up by 8pm with lights out by 8.30pm. He knows he can swttich the light on to read for a few more minutes if he can't sleep. But that's rare. He's used to being in bed by 8pm latest so his body clock sends him to sleep.

Friday and Saturday he's allowed to stay up until 9pm but no reading then - straight to sleep. Stays the same even in the school holidays just to set the pattern.

He's up at 6.30am every day - including Sunday (unfortunately) but he's one of those kids that wakes at that time naturally. We went to a few parties last year, all finishing at midnight or later. Stayed in hotels. He stayed up and was still up at 6.30am. I just grunted until 8am...

I recall a friend with older children telling me about the stages of bedtime.

They're in bed by 7pm although you need to deal with feeds etc
They stay up until a bit later in the evening but then sleep until morning.
They go to bed at the same time as you.
You go to bed first
You go to bed before they come home.

DD (8) is in bed at 8 but doesn’t have lights out until 9. Nothing wrong with insisting they are reading or drawing in their rooms for an hour unwinding before sleeping.
Weekends she goes to sleep when she liked but is sent upstairs to watch a film with some treats at about 8.
I love her dearly but I’m dreading the days when she doesn’t go to bed before us. I need my space.

Perfectly acceptable & necessary to have adult evening time. Mine go up to get washed around 7/7.30 and are allowed to quietly faff in their bedrooms until respective sleep times; 5 year old 7.45, 9 year old 8.30 and 12 year old 9.30.

They read, colour, watch something quiet on the iPad (YouTube do lots of stories being read / 'how to' vids which are good for the eve and not too long) or potter about.

Occasionally they come down for a hot drink / snack but they are quick and know to go straight back upstairs. We go up at their sleep time for a story/ cuddle etc.

"There's no point putting him down earlier as it just ends up with constant back and forth."

This is your problem. Why is there a constant back and forth? Put him to bed at whatever time, e.g. 7.30, and he stays in bed and quiet, sleeping or not. If he disturbs your evening, he goes to bed earlier the next night and so on. 9pm for a 7 year old is very late.

Agree with others, you need to toughen up. 7pm is time to be his bedroom, reading or playing quietly, presumably at that age he will have some school reading to do (can practice on his own if you still have to listen & sign it off). Make sure he has a glass of water etc & firmly let him know that is now 'your' time. Our DS went to bed at 7pm until he was about 10, only exception was on Cub night or similar.
Now he is a teenager and I am the one that goes to my room with a book for some quiet time.

Another one saying that 9pm is a very late bedtime for a 7yo.
I'd send him up at 7.30pm and say he can read in bed.

Oh god I feel your pain OP. We only have this one night a week when six year old DD gets to stay up late and eat treats. She normally heads to bed around nine but she absolutely loves her treat night and gets so excited about it. She is all excited about Strictly starting this week. It just means we are later putting on whatever we want to watch and I normally fall asleep halfway through.

Meh. My daughter's bedtime has been 8.30-9.30 since we started her in her own room with a routine. She's 2.5. you just stay up till half 11 or so so you get your two hour evenings. I always think bedtimes for most kids are crazy early, but if they have to be up and out early I guess it makes sense. We often don't eat till 7.30, usually 7.

I agree that 9pm feels really late, but at his age he is 'supposed' to get around 10.5 hours sleep. So workding backwards from 7.30 am - and I do NOT want an earlier start - that means sleep at 9. No?
Question for those who let dc play in bedroom - doesn't that make younger kids get out of bed? He shares room with DS2 (age 4) who is def ready to sleep at 7.30.

I think early bedtimes are a struggle when you work too. I collect DD from the CM at 630 so realistically she can’t be in bed before 8 unless I never want to see her in the week.

Give it a few years and you'll be happy just to have everyone in the house in the evening - our 13yr old is at activities until 9pm half an hour from home four times each week, the younger one is out on two of the other evenings.

@letsleepingbabieslie I wouldn't let him play. Just read a book as that won't disturb any siblings. If you let them play then they're not winding down which is the whole point.

Could you settle him in your room with tv/books from 7.30 til 8.30? Then at 8.30 he can go to bed. That way he has quiet time with lamp on /small toys but you get peace downstairs.

We have 5DC,our DD11 goes upto bed at 9,DS17 goes upto bed between 9 and 9.30(by choice)and chats to his girlfriend,finishes college work or goes online for a while,DD15 goes upto bed at 10 and is asleep by 10.30,DS20 and DS22 go upto bed went they want to.

We usually cook for us all at the same time so the cooking,eating and washing up is all done before our youngest goes to bed,clearing up and laundry is all done before dinner.

Once the 3 youngest are in bed we watch what we want and we can talk about what we like,our 2 oldest are in sometimes but most evenings they're out with friends so were quite lucky in that respect.

Hi OP

Our evenings are disappearing too...

On school nights DS9 and DD6 are usually bathed and ready for bed by half 7 or 8 pm. They are then allowed to play quietly or read in their bedrooms for a while. I pop up after about 20 mins to settle them into bed and say goodnight. They're allowed to read 'one more chapter' and then lights out.

Some evenings we don't hear a whisper after half 8, some they're up and downstairs saying they can't sleep. I usually let them read a little longer if they can't get to sleep.

At weekends they go upstairs a bit later - we sometimes play a game or watch something on TV with us after baths.

I think our main problem is that DP and I eat after they've gone to bed and I know we need to change this. But I don't get in from work until 6.30 pm (and really don't feel like eating straight away as I much prefer to get jobs done first).

Do you think your DS could be persuaded to go upstairs earlier, but read or play quietly until bedtime? We bought our DS an MP3 player and speakers so that he can listen to audio books, which he loves. Your DS might complain bitterly at first about the change of routine, but would get used to it!

My 12 yr old has only just been allowed lights out for 9pm. He goes to bed at 8:30pm, is allowed to read or listen to his podcasts (currently the infinite monkey cage )
At 7 he was in bed for 7, same routine.. listening to a story CD on a timer so he was laying down and relaxing before drifting off.
Each year he was allowed a half hour extra. although he knows that it’s going to be staying at 9 for a couple of years now. He really needs his sleep and is extremely grumpy if he’s not had enough (he is up at 6:30am in school days)

I like my hour or so of peace and grown up tv.. however his brother is older and will come watch tv with me if he’s home (hes 20!) but he had the same deal with bedtimes too.

Mine were always in their rooms by 8pm from about the age of 7. They could read or listen to something but they had to be in their rooms at 8, lights out by 8:30 or, as they got older, 9pm. I told them that each time they came out of their rooms, they would go 15 mins earlier the next night, but thankfully never had to enforce that.

And be honest. Children are much better generally if you are honest with them. I told mine "8pm because I am knackered by then and need peace and time to relax".

My DCs (6 & 8) go to bed about 8.30. I don't think that's an unreasonable time for children to go to bed. We don't get in from work till 6-6.30 and they need to eat then I like to give them some wind-down time so an earlier bedtime wouldn't work for us.

I often have work to do in the evenings so I just don't get on with it until they are in bed and have a late bedtime myself. Weekend nights when I don't work, DH and I sit down around 9 and watch something together. At age 7, you can do stuff like sorting laundry, paying bills etc while he is awake so you don't need to be spending the evening time after his bedtime doing those things.

My kids are 5 months old and 2 years old and i already dread this day that they won't be both snoring away by 7pm mean but true. Love them to pieces but I also think it's very important that me and dh have that 3 hours at night time to ourselves! So no advice op sorry

but i predict big protests. but surely you would just use whatever discipline methods you use for any other behaviour you don’t want.

but i don't know how to tell him nicely ' mummy can't relax when you're still around please shut up and go away'....
You just tell him you are tired and it’s late and he needs to sit quietly or go up to bed. If he keeps talking/messing then you send him to bed.

Honestly, you’re making this much more complicated than it needs to be.

If his younger sibling is bed at 7.30,can you play with DS for half an hour so he gets undivided attention (board game, read with him,etc) and then 8pm he goes into bed and reads. You might feel more able to tell him to go to bed/be quiet if you feel you’ve spent quality time with him. This probably isn’t the case at all but the way you write you actually sound a bit scared of him

It really is only for a few years. You’ll have years of peaceful evenings!

DTs are 7, they are going to bed at 8/830 now, later at weekends. I think you just have to accept having them around! Mine can go and watch a movie / play in their playroom or their rooms but mostly they don't want to, they want to be with us. I think it's mean to force them away even though they irritate the hell out of me sometimes.

Make the most of what little evening you have op - you'll look back with longing to this time when he's a hulking great teenager with equally hulking mates and they all come to yours for the evening. Every evening.
And a couple of years later, all back to yours with takeaway curry and a few tins.