Grandparents, Newborn and hygiene

[AperolSprizting]

My partner and I after a long battle have recently become parents after a long battle and have a 7 week old DC.

We’re having real trouble with my parents and their hygiene around them. First off before anyone asks yes I do have hygiene related OCD my parents know (started in a previous pg) but I think despite that how I feel is normal.

Basically I don’t want anyone holding my baby without washing their hands and having a sqoosh of sanitiser and I don’t want them touching babies hands or kissing them on the face, everything else fine. I know I’m not been too mad as we were given a sheet on the importance of it and handwashing technique in hospital.

At first we had a real battle on to get my DP to wash hands and also to take their shoes off when coming upstairs to the nursery (I have 5 month old cream carpet on my stairs and landing as well)! They are better at this abs not kissing his face but they will not stop touching baby’s hands I’m not too worried after they’ve washed them at mine but would rather they didn’t as DC puts them in his mouth a lot. Despite me asking them not to every time they see him they still do it!!! It’s starting to upset me which they can see and I’ve been having to make sure the scratch mitts are folded over in DC’s grows or that he has separate mitts on, I can then whip these off/back when they go. Any way this wknd they were desperate to see him but we had lots of plans so they came and met us whilst we were out shopping. And again they would not stop touching his hands!!! I mean FFS it’s bad enough when they’re at mine but out and about when you’re touching cars machines, ticket machines and door handles why would you then go and continually stroke a newborn’s hands, this happened several time’s when both mine and DP’s attention was diverted for a few seconds, plus we’d forgotten to put mitts on as didn’t think we’d be seeing them.

I’m pissed off because they continue to do something I’ve asked them not to and upset as now because of my OCD I can’t stop thinking about it and feeling super, super anxious so it’s ruined what should have been a nice weekend. I feel it’s also creating an atmosphere between me my DH and my DM and DF as we were reluctant to see them and this is becoming obvious. I’ve always had a good relationship with my parents and can’t understand when they are so obsessed with DC why they keep doing this.

What can I do or say because nothing so far has worked.

[Eliza9917]

I think you should probably talk to your gp. This level of worry isn't really normal, imo.

[sonlypuppyfat]

It's awful they are doing something that upsets you. My mum isn't a fan of washing her hands. But they managed to bring you up

[Feefeetrixabelle]

It’s tricky because your baby your rules. But your parents aren’t actually putting your baby in any danger my touching his hands. Sanitizer isn’t actually good for you. Sounds crazy I know. Maybe you need a chat with your gp as you’ll soon be entering the world of messy play and it’s something you don’t want your child to miss out on.

[Eliza9917]

Just be glad the don't stick their finger in the baby's mouth.

[Fatted]

As someone who has witnessed a family member with OCD and has personal experience of anxiety following having a baby, I think you would benefit from getting some help either in the way of seeing your GP or getting some CBT.

Very soon your baby will be putting absolutely everything in their mouth and you simply cannot sterilize everything. You cannot control everything and this will simply make your anxiety and stress worse. Get help now before it goes too far.

[Thesearmsofmine]

You need to relax, it sounds like they are being totally normal.

[1200calsaday]

A few months ago I read a scientific/medical report on the BBC that stated that children who were protected from germs were at most risk of childhood cancer as their immune systems had not been exposed to normal germs. If I remember correctly (!) it said that children from more affluent homes were more cosseted and at risk.
Might be an idea to find the article and maybe get support and help from Health Visitor - because if you continue in this way your anxiety could be passed on to your children

[KERALA1]

I think you need to see someone that quite extreme feel sorry for the grandparents .

Dh also did this abit he made anyone that had travelled on the tube to see our pfb put hand disinfectant on. I found it abit cringey. I note he didn't bother with dd2 though

[TheObwaldhutte]

Maybe read a bit about how we acquire an immune system OP. It might help you realise that fungal spores and bacteria are in the air and environment all the time and contact with other humans along with this is part of how the body recognises pathogens and mounts a response to them before a severe challenge. It's interesting and will help you relax about the things you mention in your post.
I was brought up 'dirty' and I am rarely ill. It's vitally important your baby is exposed to normal day to day bugs but draw the line sensibly (cold sores/obvious stuff that contains pathogens like dog and cat crap) .

[AmyLou14]

I get you but please try to relax as you will make your self sick physically as well as mentally. My DD is nearly 4 weeks old and between stressing over breastfeeding and cleaning everything and everyone I’ve barely slept. I caught a cold on Thursday cue constant showers, hand gel ect doing everything I could to stop baby getting it. The result is I’m now totally floored with cough and cold, DP has the sniffles and. Is pissed off at my crazy behaviour. Baby has caught the cold anyway....... because these things are inevitable. Try to relax a bit germs won’t kill him unless it’s Ebola and the worry will only make you ill then you’ll make him sick .......

[hailstone1]

My friend had trouble after she had a child. She sanitised everything and when they caught a cold they ended up in hospital. She sanitised everything so much they didn't develop an immune system. She was told she was killing her child.
Although small, they still need to come into contact with germs. Please ease up on this op. It's going to be tough but will be worse if you end up putting your kids in hospital

[Havaina]

I think your long battle to have dd is colouring your judgement here. Did you carry dd full term?

It might be helpful to discuss your concerns with a GP or health visitor, because kissing a baby's hand is fine, unless she is immuno-compromised.

Will they never be allowed to kiss her hands/face, or is this just for a few weeks?

[Itchytights]

But they should wash their hands before touching such a young baby.

That goes without saying.

Same applies with newborns.

When they get bigger, not such an issue but at seven weeks, yes.

Nobody touched my newborns without washing their hands.

[Itchytights]

hailstone

Killing her child. Really????

[NotAgainYoda]

I think that your OCD is likely to resurface under these circumstances and I agree that you need to get some help for this because your anxieties are only likely to increase as the baby gets older. It must be very very hard for you. I wish you well.

To other people: OCD is not rational and can't be argued out of.

[GinIsIn]

I think you should speak to your GP - nobody touching the baby’s hands isn’t normal.

And people LIKE having their hands held, especially babies. One of their first reflexes is to try and grip someone’s finger. It’s a comfort - there’s a reason adults hold hands or shake hands.

[Stopandlook]

I felt a bit like you - at 7 weeks they are still so small aren’t they! But it is true that environmental germs are good for developing the babies immune system.
I used to let my sucky baby suck on my knuckle when she wasn’t feeding because fingers seemed a bit gross. How you are feeling is at the extreme end of normal - it will hopefully pass as your baby gets bigger but if not, talk to your GP. Congrats on your baby!

[AmyLou14]

*que not cue as in snooker

[Dermymc]

You need to speak to your GP. Your reaction is the "not normal" one here.

[PurpleFlower1983]

Some germs are good for developing the immune system. I would go and talk to the GP about your anxiety.

[dinosaurkisses]

@Itchytights the language is a bit extreme, but the message is right- we were warned against a dependence on sterilising everything on sight during my (non-UK) ante-natal classes because of reasons outlined upthread.

[Viewoffriday]

Hi OP. Do your parents know about your OCD? While I agree with others that it would be great to access more help if you need it, I'm not sure if you think this is the OCD coming back, or if you think this is you being more risk averse than the average person?

It sounds to me like it's really upsetting you, and that maybe it is OCD in some degree.

But I also think it's OK to want to keep babies from picking up colds etc.

Post natal can be a really hard time for anxiety sufferers. Do ask for more help. Your GP or HV should be completely supportive.

But while you're waiting, can you explain to your parents how it makes you worry? Ask them to do it for you, not the baby?

Good luck. Anxiety is awful, but treatable.

[londonrach]

Op. you need to see your gp about your ocd. My friend was similar re cleaniness around her ds who know has a range of medical conditions according to the gp as a result of not being exposed to normal bugs as a baby.

[TidyDancer]

I don't normally say this, and I think people are sometimes too quick to do so, but I really do think you could benefit from getting some professional help here. Some level of anxiety in this area is normal I think but as someone who also has ocd I would urge you to get some proper help with this. What you describe is ott but it's manageable at the moment, but I would be reluctant to let it get any worse. Aside from the general effect on your mental health, you could risk clouding what could otherwise be a lovely magical time with your baby. Your DPs are behaving like perfectly normal loving grandparents.

[londonrach]

You need your babys immune systm to develop normally