Grandparents, Newborn and hygiene

[AperolSprizting]

My partner and I after a long battle have recently become parents after a long battle and have a 7 week old DC.

We’re having real trouble with my parents and their hygiene around them. First off before anyone asks yes I do have hygiene related OCD my parents know (started in a previous pg) but I think despite that how I feel is normal.

Basically I don’t want anyone holding my baby without washing their hands and having a sqoosh of sanitiser and I don’t want them touching babies hands or kissing them on the face, everything else fine. I know I’m not been too mad as we were given a sheet on the importance of it and handwashing technique in hospital.

At first we had a real battle on to get my DP to wash hands and also to take their shoes off when coming upstairs to the nursery (I have 5 month old cream carpet on my stairs and landing as well)! They are better at this abs not kissing his face but they will not stop touching baby’s hands I’m not too worried after they’ve washed them at mine but would rather they didn’t as DC puts them in his mouth a lot. Despite me asking them not to every time they see him they still do it!!! It’s starting to upset me which they can see and I’ve been having to make sure the scratch mitts are folded over in DC’s grows or that he has separate mitts on, I can then whip these off/back when they go. Any way this wknd they were desperate to see him but we had lots of plans so they came and met us whilst we were out shopping. And again they would not stop touching his hands!!! I mean FFS it’s bad enough when they’re at mine but out and about when you’re touching cars machines, ticket machines and door handles why would you then go and continually stroke a newborn’s hands, this happened several time’s when both mine and DP’s attention was diverted for a few seconds, plus we’d forgotten to put mitts on as didn’t think we’d be seeing them.

I’m pissed off because they continue to do something I’ve asked them not to and upset as now because of my OCD I can’t stop thinking about it and feeling super, super anxious so it’s ruined what should have been a nice weekend. I feel it’s also creating an atmosphere between me my DH and my DM and DF as we were reluctant to see them and this is becoming obvious. I’ve always had a good relationship with my parents and can’t understand when they are so obsessed with DC why they keep doing this.

What can I do or say because nothing so far has worked.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. It is difficult enough when you've got an 8 week old.

I think it's reasonable to ask them to wash their hands. If they use soap though they don't need sanitiser (should be used as a backup if soap isn't available like when you're out). I think it's reasonable to ask them not to wear shoes inside / upstairs on new carpet! And most people would comply with this.

It's a bit much to ask them not to touch your baby's hands especially if they have just cleaned them (though maybe if they have been out and about you could ask them to use hand sanitiser first)

I think it is easy to get fixated on stuff like this when they're newborn - you hear scare stories about very young babies getting very ill and hospital go on about hygiene

But imagine all those who have more than one kid. The eldest comes home from nursery where they have been sharing food and toys all day with other manky snotty toddlers and goes straight over to their baby sibling and licks their face or something. Somehow they survive. And second children actually have stronger immune systems than their elder siblings.

In a few weeks your baby won't be a newborn any more. They will soon have injections. You'll be able to give them calpol when they get ill. It will be horrible when they get their first cold but the more colds and stuff they get when they are young and can't remember, the less they will have when they're older and the stronger their immune system will become. They will seem a lot more robust. They will be shuffling and rolling around on the floor and you will find them licking the floor, eating shoes and all manner of gross things. The more you see it the easier it becomes.

It's natural to panic when they are tiny especially with your background but please don't let it get in the way of a relationship with your parents. It does sound like it's worse than average and you need some help. Good luck

Babies need germs to be healthy which is one reason if you have a C section they smear your vaginal bacteria on the baby

Sorry, this is nonsense. It’s called ‘vaginal seeding’ few yogurt weaving lentil bothering types were advocating this a few years ago alongside turning down all vaccinationsand breastfeeding until after GCSEs and baby wearing until they go off to Uni, but it was slapped down for being potentially very dangerous with little evidence it was beneficial.

Skin to skin contact and breastfeeding are better ways to exchange beneficial microbes - and that skin doesn’t have to be a parents’ so it is actually beneficial for babies to be touched and cuddled.

You need to speak to your GP/HV. Your OCD is manifesting as germ anxiety towards your DC. I completely get it. I have struggled on/off with OCD and terrible, debilitating anxiety. It's not something you can control if you don't have the tools to control it. Have you ever been referred for CBT? Are you feeling able to access help?

Post birth is awful enough for anxiety sufferers, you sound like you had quite a battle to get your little one and now you're terrific of anything happening to them. Which is understandable.

But, you cannot sustain this level of fear and anxiety, you will be ill (physically and your mental health with suffer further) and your baby needs touch, and germs to thrive.

I say this as someone who is yet to not sleep in the same room as her almost two year old, I understand the fear. I also made everyone wash and/or anti-bac their hands when my DC was a newborn, I was horrified to the point of vomiting when someone unrelated put their finger in his mouth. People saying "in six months time he'll be putting everything in his mouth" didn't help me there and then. I would suggest that you need to speak to your GP, access CBT, possibly medication (or a medication review if you're already on medication.) It can and will get better.

YABU. There is no danger to your baby in touching your parents recently washed hands.

OP are you ok?

Gerard just spat my tea out laughing reading your post. Brilliantly put.

@Gerard170 Absolutely, it was mentioned in passing at my NCT class but when my dd was born by emergency section there was no suggestion of smearing my vaginal bacteria over her face... that would have been quite the 'welcome to the world!'

I hope you are OK OP. As others have said you really do need to try and get some help for your OCD.

Touching and holding babies hands is the most natural thing in the world.

Your baby needs to build up an immune system.

At what age would you let them touch and kiss him?

Having a new born is scary but I'm afraid YABVU and need to get some help. Not just for you but for your DC's benefit too.

My sister was over the top about germs, cleaning etc with her first baby. Her child was always sick as a young child, which was a direct result of not being able to build up her immunity in a natural way. Thank god she'd chilled out and dealt with things in a normal way by the time her second DC came along (and who has rarely had a sick day in her life).

Perhaps different perspective.

The hygiene is a red herring: these grandparents are continuing to do the thing they've been asked not to do. And it's a pretty darn simple thing, too. OP's reasons for asking it are her own, and irrelevant. The fact is that she did ask, and they've shown that they don't respect that. THAT, more than hygiene, would concern the hell out of me.

I get that faith but touch is instinctive and healthy. Watch any primates. Touch is intrinsic to who we are. Bonding, healthy bacteria, security... all really important. Maybe the GPs are worried. About OP and her child.

Would getting yourself a pet and making weekly visits to a petting farm help your OCD op?

Because bacteria strains iare a part of life and only a small fraction of them are harmful.

Would you think putting your baby in a sterilised glass tube so no one can touch or breathe on or kiss is healthy for your child?

I agree with taking shoes off but do you think having cream carpets that you don't want people to walk on is rational? Perhaps put them on the wall instead? Now you have a child may be put sheets over them to protect them?!

It just makes you irrational and delusional and I feel very sorry for your DH and GPS and your child and they are all going to suffer unless you get urgent psychological help.

breastfeeding.support/scratch-mittens-and-breastfeeding/

Did OP ever come back?

They aren't the problem... You need to talk to someone, this isn't normal. You have ocd and your hormones quite naturally will be all over the place. Yabu in the extreme..

I feel for you but it won't be very long before baby touches everything and puts hands in its mouth. I believe being too clean and avoiding germs can mean a child never builds its immune system. What happens when you go to soft play or a baby group and your baby handles toys touches equipment etc? Because there will be germs and not totally clean. Relax enjoy your baby and congratulations x

My main concern for my own DC was the herpes virus. Yes, kids need to develop an immune system, and if they get a cough or cold they will recover. But they can’t develop immunity to herpes, and once they’ve got it they will never recover - they’ll be afflicted by unsightly and painful facial sores for the rest of their lives.

So I don’t think it’s excessive not to want people kissing or touching my baby. Nobody kisses except me and DH. And nobody touches except family members who don’t have herpes sores. I certainly don’t want my baby touched by scruffy looking randoms - I don’t even want them touching me. I don’t find that unreasonable or OCD.

My dr of biochemistry DIL, mum of 12 months, won't have any chemical disinfectants, bleach, sanitisers, air fresheners etc.in the house. Soap and water only. I trust her knowledge.

Hope the OP is ok, but they are being entirely normal and loving grandparents.

You need to seek some sort of help, otherwise in 6months time when your baby licks the pram wheels or chews a shoe youre going to lose your shit. This time passes quickly at this age, and you should enjoy it.

They won’t get herpes from chewing a shoe though. They might be temporarily sick but won’t be covered in disgusting scabs for the rest of their lives. People’s mouths are filthy - more so than shoes.

OP didn't reply at all. Did she not like what she was told? Hope she is ok.

I lost a baby before having my ds and I had a long wait to conceive ds and I had very similar anxiety to you. We also had hand washing and germs/cold/flu talk (ds was born in winter) and mil came to see him in hospital with the worst cold and it nearly sent me over the edge. I think it’s easy for people to say it’s not normal etc and they feel sorry for the grandparents but I feel sorry for you because it is tough dealing with anxiety. As ds got bigger and stronger I did relax more. I was already on medication for anxiety as a result of losing my first baby but I did go to the doctors and increase my dose for a while so it may be worth mentioning to a gp and see what they suggest. In the meantime, your baby and your rules and your grandparents need to follow them end of.

Herpes virus. Yes, kids need to develop an immune system, and if they get a cough or cold they will recover. But they can’t develop immunity to herpes, and once they’ve got it they will never recover - they’ll be afflicted by unsightly and painful facial sores for the rest of their lives

I have herpes simplex. Got it off my own mother as a child.

It is no worse than any other minor viruses, such as warts, flu, coughs and colds. In fact I’d rather have a cold sore for a few days but feel well and go about my life as normal, than feel blocked up, dripping snot everywhere, not sleeping with a cold.

You get more than one cold in your life. It isn’t a one off. I only get a sore if I am particularly stressed for some reason, and I very rarely get them on my mouth. For some reason they occur up my nose.

You can only pass herpes on when you have an active sore- and if they’re as unsightly as you say you’d notice?

My kids are adults and basic measures such as not sharing towels or kissing when I have a sore has meant neither they or dh is infected.

Its very sad and quite common for this mindset to be part of a post natal reaction. It deserves sympathy and understanding.