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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to think that they had this planned?

135 replies

Buffy81 · 16/09/2018 11:36

Hi. I am afraid that this is aDM/DF in law one.

We have just been on holiday for a week and there was 6 of us in total: Me, DH, DS, DB, DM, DF.

On Saturday we went away for the week. On the Sunday night, DH received a phone call from his DM to say that they where also in the same place and that they had come today and would we all like to do something while they were there. They were going back on the Wednesday staying some where different.

We were all shocked when we had the phone call. It was also her birthday when we were away. Normally DM/DF in law go away for her birthday and this yr they said that they werent going away as they were going away a couple of weeks before.

Out of politeness we agreed to the one day, with me, DM and DB all giving looks to each other to say that we were not to happy about it, but would go along with it to keep the peace. This started to make my DB anxious as he suffers with epilepsy and being out of his comfort zone and in new places can make him feel like that which in turn can bring on a seizure, lucky for him he didn't have one we managed to keep him calm. He cant take meds to often for it due to his epilepsy medication

We booked our holiday some point in may. In mid June, DB in law asked if him and his wife could stay there on the Saturday night due to them going to a gig in London on the Sat night. Her reply to him was was that they were going away on the Sunday for a few nights, but didnt tell them where as DB Wife told me this over fb messenger on the Monday

On the Tuesday when we all went out, I found that I could not relax properly as I might have said something to DM inlaw which in turn she then would have got upset about it as she gets really emotional about things and then we would have had the DF in law having words. By saying something it would have made it a uncomfortable day for everybody

It really felt like they were imposing on our holiday

OP posts:

bevelino · 16/09/2018 15:32

@CrispbuttyNo1 I have had a laugh at your post, you are spot on : )

GabsAlot · 16/09/2018 15:35

just say no next time-but i still dont understand why your brother had to go with you

BewareOfDragons · 16/09/2018 15:36

No, everyone is not siding against the OP Lots of us think the OP is NOT being unreasonable at all.

The inlaws overstepped rudely and selfishly. They gatecrashed their son and DIl's holiday with her family on purpose and put them on the spot, using a birthday as an excuse to do it. A grown up's birthday. Ridiculous behaviour, and it shouldn't have been rewarded with an entire day spent with them.

amicissimma · 16/09/2018 15:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KurriKurri · 16/09/2018 15:38

It sounds as if either FIl or MIl was upset that you all went on what seems like a big inclusive family holiday and they weren;t invited. No reason why they should have been obviously. but just tryinbg to fathom why they thought they'd turn up.
I totally understand how this would have been difficult with your brother having epilepsy, (i have a family member withe pilepsy and they would also have been thrown bu this and holidays are confined to when they are well enough to go so losing a day to accomodate gate crashers would be very annnoying)

It does all sound pre planned and a bit sneaky, but as it was only a day/ a meal, I'd use it as a learning experience - next time don't tell them where you are going. Not worth falling out over if it's a once off, but be wary of similar behaviour and make sure you lay down a few boundaries.

ShadowHuntress · 16/09/2018 15:39

What I take from the op is that they went on holiday with her parents and her brother which has been planned for several months. Her dh’s parents had said they were also away during the same week, but had not said where they were going and at no point did the mention they were going to the same place as the op. This is weird as the deliberately kept it secret. They then showed up unannounced at a family holiday. Honestly, this would shock anyone. Its not the fact they have to have dinner with the in laws, it’s that they pave gone about it in a sneaky way and not once mentioned they would be in the same place as them. It’s all very weird.

AllyMcBeagle · 16/09/2018 15:41

The ILs didn't gatecrash; they called and asked if they could meet.

But was it asked without expectation? It sounded to me from the OPs posts that they were not asking in a "no worries if you're busy but just checking in case you fancied meeting up?" way. It sounds like they expected the OP to spend the day with them and would have been put out if they had refused.

bumbling · 16/09/2018 15:41

Your last two paragraphs make no sense whatsoever.

Neither does your brother worrying about his epilepsy because two additional people were going to be at the dinner table.

It does sound like they planned it but I don't see it as a big deal. Friends and family are always welcome on trips away. Is there a major backstory here?

BewareOfDragons · 16/09/2018 15:42

I consider that gatecrashing. Yes they 'asked' but c'mon ... they travelled all that way secretly, had planned it for months ... and put them their son on the spot like that. They knew fine well he couldn't say no to them.

That is gatecrashing their holiday.

BarbarianMum · 16/09/2018 15:44

Calling someone up and asking if you'd like to meet up is not gatecrashing. It's a question. To which the answer could be "sorry no can do".

Ruffian · 16/09/2018 15:45

Yes, they imposed your holiday and, since they clearly planned it, the more important question is why you didn't feel you could say 'sorry but no, we've already made plans'.

Your DH could have agreed to meet them for a meal or something if he felt bad about it, there was no need for the whole group to be involved with them for the whole day.

I think YABU to use your db's condition as a smokescreen for your own issues with your inlaws.

AllyMcBeagle · 16/09/2018 15:48

Calling someone up and asking if you'd like to meet up is not gatecrashing. It's a question. To which the answer could be "sorry no can do".

What if they are the type to be annoyed at the OP for not changing her plans to make time for them though? Would that still not be gatecrashing because it was technically put in the form of a question?

19lottie82 · 16/09/2018 15:49

It does sound a bit weird OP, but tbh you sound really over dramatic.

SassitudeandSparkle · 16/09/2018 16:08

I think the BIL wanted to stay with his mum, the MIL in this. So they knew the in-laws would be away but not where.

OP, I get that you didn't like them turning up and now feel aggrieved that you didn't just say no. That's fine. It can be difficult when you are put on the spot and you'll know for next time.

But don't say that you 'might' have upset her if you'd said anything or that your brother 'might' have been unwell as neither of these things actually happened. Same with 'giving looks' - you can speak up at the time but not create a storyline afterwards that didn't actually happen! There was no need to involve your brother at all and I'm not sure why you did that.

powerwalk · 16/09/2018 16:08

You begrudge her one lunch or day out on her birthday? Is that right? But you were on holiday with all of your family.

The poor woman and your poor dp, who it seems can’t even see his mother on her birthday yabu

powerwalk · 16/09/2018 16:10

Also can I just say the ‘giving looks’ sounds spiteful and unkind of you.

Havaina · 16/09/2018 16:11

I agree BewareofDragons

powerwalk · 16/09/2018 16:11

And maybe she had been reduced to sneaking around to see her son as you make her so unwelcome op?

SassitudeandSparkle · 16/09/2018 16:12

I don't think the in-laws saw the looks, I think that was when they were on the phone!

Yes, I do think it was planned OP. You'll know for next time.

Donnyduds · 16/09/2018 16:14

Jeez she’s not asked for your first born child and she’s not lied either. Sounds like they both wanted to spend a day with “family” as they were in the area, you sound childish, immature and mean spirited. Since when did in-laws become the enemy?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/09/2018 16:15

Jeez. What's with all these threads that are so hard to follow.

BlueberryPud · 16/09/2018 16:41

I can see it's a slightly odd thing to do, but everyone does things that others might think slightly odd.
I really couldn't get worked up about this happening. I also have a brother who can't cope with change or stuff out of routine, but he simply wouldn't have come. Storm in a teacup.

viques · 16/09/2018 16:44

Haven't read through the whole thread but based on page I , yes your in laws were a tad odd to pop along and join you for one day without mentioning it first, but then you saying how this has ruined your holiday, stressed out your brother etc etc makes me think your family are the odd ones and that your in laws clearly have to walk on eggshells to spend time with your DH.

CrispbuttyNo1 · 16/09/2018 16:50

I see this a totally different way as I said earlier in the thread. Maybe FIL didn’t know what to do to make MILs birthday a bit special. She was perhaps a bit sad that she wouldn’t see her DS, DIL, and GC on the day, so FIL, unwittingly thinking that his DIL actually likes them and sees them as part of her family, says “I know, how about we visit them for the day, be lovely to see them, I bet they will enjoy the surprise and they can see you on your birthday”..

Not for a moment thinking that DIL and “her” family would see this as rude, cheeky, and sit there glaring and making them uncomfortable.

TerracottaDream · 16/09/2018 16:52

Couldn’t your husband have met them on his own? Why did you and your crew have to go?

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