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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to think that they had this planned?

135 replies

Buffy81 · 16/09/2018 11:36

Hi. I am afraid that this is aDM/DF in law one.

We have just been on holiday for a week and there was 6 of us in total: Me, DH, DS, DB, DM, DF.

On Saturday we went away for the week. On the Sunday night, DH received a phone call from his DM to say that they where also in the same place and that they had come today and would we all like to do something while they were there. They were going back on the Wednesday staying some where different.

We were all shocked when we had the phone call. It was also her birthday when we were away. Normally DM/DF in law go away for her birthday and this yr they said that they werent going away as they were going away a couple of weeks before.

Out of politeness we agreed to the one day, with me, DM and DB all giving looks to each other to say that we were not to happy about it, but would go along with it to keep the peace. This started to make my DB anxious as he suffers with epilepsy and being out of his comfort zone and in new places can make him feel like that which in turn can bring on a seizure, lucky for him he didn't have one we managed to keep him calm. He cant take meds to often for it due to his epilepsy medication

We booked our holiday some point in may. In mid June, DB in law asked if him and his wife could stay there on the Saturday night due to them going to a gig in London on the Sat night. Her reply to him was was that they were going away on the Sunday for a few nights, but didnt tell them where as DB Wife told me this over fb messenger on the Monday

On the Tuesday when we all went out, I found that I could not relax properly as I might have said something to DM inlaw which in turn she then would have got upset about it as she gets really emotional about things and then we would have had the DF in law having words. By saying something it would have made it a uncomfortable day for everybody

It really felt like they were imposing on our holiday

OP posts:

Havaina · 16/09/2018 11:57

Assuming your DH and DS spends an equal amount of time with his parents then YANBU, they were definitely imposing on your holiday and they clearly planned this months ago.

Are they the types to resent your DS spending time with your parents?

Howeve, if you and DH only go away with your own parents but never with his, then I can see why they may feel aggrieved.

And it's very convenient that your MIL gets upset when she's called out for batshit behaviour like this, because it means she gets away with it! Don't pander to this behaviour, and only tell them about your plans vaguely.

MadameButterface · 16/09/2018 11:57

“This started to make my DB anxious as he suffers with epilepsy and being out of his comfort zone and in new places can make him feel like that which in turn can bring on a seizure, lucky for him he didn't have one we managed to keep him calm. He cant take meds to often for it due to his epilepsy medication”

I jave read this bit a few times and don’t get it at ALL

Your db can’t take too many meds for his epilepsy because of his epilepsy meds?

Returnofthesmileybar · 16/09/2018 11:58

DB in law - bil
DM in law - mil

This is very hard to follow. Were you away with your parents for a week, in law's rock up and want to meet, your bother almost has an epileptic fit at the thought (great ovrt reaction I have possibly ever heard) and you don't like it??

Why not say "Oh mil why didn't you say, we could have planned better, we can meet for lunch/dinner tomorrow. Just me and dh though, my brother has plans"

I mean it's a bit weird to just show up I grant you that but you sound a bit dramatic

funnylittlefloozie · 16/09/2018 11:59

You sound like a bunch of silly children. Giving each other "looks" because you had to meet some other adults for dinner?

If your parents and brother didnt want to meet up with them, they should have politely excused themselves. Passive-aggressive behaviour around the table is pathetic and rude.

AnoukSpirit · 16/09/2018 12:01

Huh?

Havaina · 16/09/2018 12:01

Basically, MIL and FIL gate crashed OP's holiday with her husband, son, mum, dad and brother. OP and the others spent a day with MIL and FIL. This caused OP's brother to almost have an anxiety attack which could have meant an epileptic fit, but they managed to calm him down thankfully.

OP thinks MIL and FIL planned to gate crash this holiday months ago because she found from MIL's other son's wife that they were going to be away the same days as OP's holiday, so he couldn't stay at theirs.

StatisticallyChallenged · 16/09/2018 12:03

I think the TL;DR is that op was away with DH and her family for a week and the day after they arrived her in laws pitched up in the same area wanting to meet up. OP is a bit pissed off at this as she thinks they must have known well before and that they chose to gatecrash her family holiday.

To make it worse in OP's view, her brother who was with them suffers from anxiety so last minute changes of plan are a problem. His anxiety is unmedicated because he also has epilepsy (limits the meds he can take) but him getting anxious and stressed can also be a trigger for a fit so she was pissed off at the in laws trying to change things last minute.

I think!

RonniePickering · 16/09/2018 12:04

So why wouldn’t just you and your husband go to meet his parents, why would your siblings have to go to? The looks to each other are pretty juvenile.

Zucker · 16/09/2018 12:04

Did the inlaws make you all climb a mountain or something? What was so stressful about meeting up with your husbands family for a couple of hours?

LagunaBubbles · 16/09/2018 12:06

So you spend a week with your own parents and family yet grudge spending a day with your in laws, you know... your husbands parents. Nice.

peachgreen · 16/09/2018 12:06

I'm confused as to why one meal with your in-laws is so traumatic for you, your mum and your brother?

Original poster

Buffy81 · 16/09/2018 12:07

Its more to do with the fact that they completely surprised us. No side on which family is as equally important as the other. We have been away with them a number of times and my family have never done something like that. In fact, we have never been away with family's at the same time, we try and alternate each yr

we were with them for the whole day, not just a meal

sad i dont have a sister, its my brother in laws wife, DS refered to DSon, i should have made that a bit clearer

cat if referefing to the inlaws I put DM?DF in laws if you read it a bit clearer

My DH was just a shocked so I think he just went along with it while on the phone and I know that he wont say no to his mum. If she had asked before hand as was honest with the fact that they were going to be in the area at the same time, we would have been a bit more prepare.

I mentioned about my brother as going away to different places is a big deal for him as if he has a seizure, he then feels embarrassed and feels that he has ruined whatever it is that we are doing and feels anxious. I felt it was important to put that in my op

OP posts:

Havaina · 16/09/2018 12:07

Laguna, for all we know, OP and her DH also go away with her MIL and FIL. We can't assume, OP needs to clarify.

Rachie1973 · 16/09/2018 12:09

For EggysMom with love lol xx

We have just been on holiday for a week and there was 6 of us in total: Me, My Husband, My son, my brother, and my Mum and Dad

A family holiday. My family. Not my husbands family.

On Saturday we went away for the week. On the Sunday night, my Husband received a phone call from my Mother In Law to say that they where also in the same place and that they had come today and would we all like to do something while they were there. They were going back on the Wednesday staying some where different.

They are booking the same place and wish to see us for one day of MY family holiday. They asked.... not told

We were all shocked when we had the phone call. It was also her birthday when we were away. Normally My parents in law go away for her birthday and this yr they said that they werent going away as they were going away a couple of weeks before.

Shocked by a call! I hope your smoke alarms never go off. Its Mum in Laws bday this week and normally they have other plans.

Out of politeness we agreed to the one day. Me, Mujm and Brother all giving looks to each other to say that we were not to happy about it, but would go along with it to keep the peace. This started to make my Brother anxious as he suffers with epilepsy and being out of his comfort zone and in new places can make him feel like that which in turn can bring on a seizure, lucky for him he didn't have one we managed to keep him calm. He cant take meds to often for it due to his epilepsy medication

We did agree to see my Mother in Law (sigh) and me and my Mum and my Brother exchanged childish pissed off looks at this massive imposition on our time. My brother suffers anxiety and epilepsy and I was concerned that this awful imposition and social faux pas might trigger problems for him. Its not that I'm dramatic you understand, just that I need an excuse for being so unreasonable.

We booked our holiday some point in may. In mid June, my brother in law asked if him and his wife could stay there on the Saturday night due to them going to a gig in London on the Sat night. Mother in Laws reply to him was was that they were going away on the Sunday for a few nights, but didnt tell them where as my Sister in Law on my husbands side told me this over fb messenger on the Monday

They knew they were coming. (its all I can glean from this)

On the Tuesday when we all went out, I found that I could not relax properly as I might have said something to Mother inlaw which in turn she then would have got upset about it as she gets really emotional about things and then we would have had the Father in law having words. By saying something it would have made it a uncomfortable day for everybody

I could not relax during my meal because I was worried I might say something inappropriate due to my horror at having to share a table with my own Husbands parents, and I worried that if I did this my Father in Law might call me out on my shitty behaviour.

It really felt like they were imposing on our holiday

I feel that my family is way more important than my husbands family

DerelictWreck · 16/09/2018 12:09

DO people not understand?

OP and her OH went away on holiday with her family. Her in laws lied, said they weren't going away that week, then magically turned up at the same place and wanted to join the holiday.

It's WEIRD

OP, YANBU

glintandglide · 16/09/2018 12:09

My MIL would do this to BIL & SIL. She’s jealous because they always go away with SILs family. All it’s meant is she’s tried to set up some god awful family tradition of going away together every year all of us so she gets a look in

missperegrinespeculiar · 16/09/2018 12:09

why was your brother so anxious and out of his comfort zone over a meal out with your in laws that you had to "keep him clam"? this all sounds a bit odd, unless there is a massive back story

yes, sure, it was cheeky of them, it would have better if they had been straight with you and asked if it was alright to come up since it was your MIL's birthday, but then, you are coming across to be quite hard work about such things, maybe she was too scared to do so?

glintandglide · 16/09/2018 12:10

Yes I think your DBs epilepsy situation is a total distraction you’re using to make the whole situation more dramatic and dangerous than it really is

Havaina · 16/09/2018 12:11

Crosspost. OP, if you alternate holiday years with your parents and inlaws then what your ILs did was batshit, selfish and inappropriate behaviour, probably driven by jealousy of your time with your family.

Your DH needs to have a word. Say if it happens again, you won't go away with them again.

ExFury · 16/09/2018 12:15

Your in laws are cheeky fuckers. They gatecrashed your holiday and clearly planned it for a long time.

It’s rude. I wouldn’t tell them where you were going next time.

I bet they’re the type that would be furious if your parents did that when you were away with them!

charlestonchaplin · 16/09/2018 12:17

There was no need for your brother to go to meet your in-laws if it would induce such anxiety in him. Didn't that occur to any of you? Yes, it was probably planned in advance by your in-laws, it wasn't a great way to behave, but it also wasn't the end of the world. Now you know what they are like and you will be prepared next time. Just shrug it off as an irritation and don't let it ruin your holiday.

Original poster

Buffy81 · 16/09/2018 12:18

StatisticallyChallenged you are right regarding my brother, He is on 4 different meds for his epelipsey , so can't take any on a regular basis for his anxiety. He cant go out to new places on his own

Dson spends equal time with both sides of the family, they have him one day a week while he is at nursery for the other 3 days a week

OP posts:

sockunicorn · 16/09/2018 12:21

i wouldnt be happy with this and i LOVE my in laws. I spend a lot of time with them and do an annual family holiday. However when its my parents time with us and the GC i would feel imposed if the in laws showed up.

in actual fact this has started happening in reverse. my DM has started turning up when she knows in laws are round for celebrations or meals. its so rude. so ive started not telling her details or, if she rings and says "we are round the corner, can we come in?" when she knows my in laws are round, i say no we are going out. she has her time, then tries to take theirs and monopolises the day/time. fights for DCs attention and chats about herself for hours on end when we are trying to spend time with in laws.

i also get that this has nothing to do with you seeing your in laws, op, just that they muscled in on time with your family when they get their own time (by the sounds of it).

MaisyPops · 16/09/2018 12:22

Rachie1973
Thanks for the summary. That makes more sense.

OP
Yes it may have been planned in advance. But it was one day.

Not really sure where the anxiety and epilepsy and other family drama giving looks to each other comes from. It seems a bit stoppy and drama llama-like to me.

Was it a bit cheeky and his parents chanced their arm? Probably.
Is it the sort of dramatic imposition you're making it out to be? No.

Nothisispatrick · 16/09/2018 12:24

I don’t understand why your DB needed to spend the day with your in laws if it caused him so much stress?

Also don’t understand the bit about BIL going to stay in London. ‘Her’ reply, whose reply?

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