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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to think that they had this planned?

135 replies

Buffy81 · 16/09/2018 11:36

Hi. I am afraid that this is aDM/DF in law one.

We have just been on holiday for a week and there was 6 of us in total: Me, DH, DS, DB, DM, DF.

On Saturday we went away for the week. On the Sunday night, DH received a phone call from his DM to say that they where also in the same place and that they had come today and would we all like to do something while they were there. They were going back on the Wednesday staying some where different.

We were all shocked when we had the phone call. It was also her birthday when we were away. Normally DM/DF in law go away for her birthday and this yr they said that they werent going away as they were going away a couple of weeks before.

Out of politeness we agreed to the one day, with me, DM and DB all giving looks to each other to say that we were not to happy about it, but would go along with it to keep the peace. This started to make my DB anxious as he suffers with epilepsy and being out of his comfort zone and in new places can make him feel like that which in turn can bring on a seizure, lucky for him he didn't have one we managed to keep him calm. He cant take meds to often for it due to his epilepsy medication

We booked our holiday some point in may. In mid June, DB in law asked if him and his wife could stay there on the Saturday night due to them going to a gig in London on the Sat night. Her reply to him was was that they were going away on the Sunday for a few nights, but didnt tell them where as DB Wife told me this over fb messenger on the Monday

On the Tuesday when we all went out, I found that I could not relax properly as I might have said something to DM inlaw which in turn she then would have got upset about it as she gets really emotional about things and then we would have had the DF in law having words. By saying something it would have made it a uncomfortable day for everybody

It really felt like they were imposing on our holiday

OP posts:
problembottom · 16/09/2018 12:24

I found this pretty easy to understand! YANBU. Yes they clearly had it planned and you have to ask yourself why they pretended it was coincidence - because they knew they in the wrong!

5SecondsFromWilding · 16/09/2018 12:25

I think the point that people are making Buffy81 is that your DB needn't have been involved in the change if plans at all. He and your parents had no reason to change plans if they didn't want to. Which completely eliminates the most 'dangerous' element of the scenario, reducing it to a bit of a strange but endurable imposition by the in laws.

Though I must say that I'm finding it slightly off that your DB was exchanging looks with you initially but eventually needed calming down. And still, none if you thought of the solution of just you and DH (and possibly DS) meeting with the in laws.

CrispbuttyNo1 · 16/09/2018 12:25

So basically you went away on holiday with your husband and your parents.

Your husbands mother wanted to surprise you by visiting, while it was her birthday, and spent just one day with you.

In the real world this would be seen as a nice fun surprise, enjoyed by all.

On mumsnet it’s seen as being a cheeky fucker, gatecrashing, and probably a reason to now go no contact. 🙄.

MrsFassy · 16/09/2018 12:29

I found the OP very easy to follow.

I think the issue is the in-laws appear to have planned their trip months ago, but didn't mention it, in fact the opposite, they said they wouldn't be going away that week. It's quite sneaky and if the OP, her husband and son alternate holidays with each side of the family then I think the PILs were out of order and can see why the OP would be upset.

Wonder how they'd react if next year OP's parents turn up out of the blue.

Havaina · 16/09/2018 12:31

I think the point that people are making Buffy81 is that your DB needn't have been involved in the change if plans at all. He and your parents had no reason to change plans if they didn't want to.

I disagree. Maybe the brother likes OP to be there due to his anxiety. Why should he and his parents be forced to change their plans to accomodate MIL? This was a holiday with OP's family, PIL should wait for their turn next year. This insistence that overbearing MILs should be pandered to is wearing. Thank God for my lovely MIL.

Tistheseason17 · 16/09/2018 12:32

YANBU to find it irritating they found out where you were staying and booked the same location.

YABU to be so unhappy about spending 1 day out of your week with them.

I suspect your DH told them where you were going because he wanted to see them as he was having to spend an entire week with your family - HIS INLAWS!

Rebecca36 · 16/09/2018 12:32

Why object to meeting up one time on holiday? Do you have something against your in laws?

You were away with a load of your family, it didn't hurt to meet up with his on one occasion. It may have been planned or spontaneous, you don't know but that's irrelevant. You not being relaxed about it is odd unless you hate them.

explodingkitten · 16/09/2018 12:32

I also wouldn't like it (because I hate surprises) but this is just one of those events where you just have to suck it up, I'm afraid. It's not big enough to fall out over.

5SecondsFromWilding · 16/09/2018 12:34

I disagree. Maybe the brother likes OP to be there due to his anxiety.

You disagree based on the speculation that perhaps the DB's anxiety management is dependant on the OP's presence? Hmm Bit of a leap. One that I imagine the OP would have mentioned if it were the case.

EK36 · 16/09/2018 12:35

I think it's fine. It's nice they care and want to see you all.

MaisyPops · 16/09/2018 12:35

I suspect your DH told them where you were going because he wanted to see them as he was having to spend an entire week with your family - HIS INLAWS!
That crossed my mind too.
DH and I get on really well with our respective in-laws but a week on holiday would be too much.
His parents go away for his mum's birthday. They've chosen a similar area and have suggested meeting for a meal on one day of the holiday.
Why the drama?

Havaina · 16/09/2018 12:36

Wonder how they'd react if next year OP's parents turn up out of the blue.

Yes. And I bet if OP posted 'AIBU to gate crash PILs annual holiday with BIL and SIL and their family for one day because it's my birthday?' She would be told YABU, and a cheeky, over bearing, jealous twat!' Grin

charlestonchaplin · 16/09/2018 12:36

The brother's anxiety is actually triggered by being out of his comfort zone, in this case meeting OP's in-laws.

C0untDucku1a · 16/09/2018 12:37

Rachie Grin

glintandglide · 16/09/2018 12:41

Neither here not there really Charlie, the brothers anxiety is what it is. It doesn’t mean that MIL can’t have a surprise dinner with her family. It’s something for the brothers and his carers to manage

Havaina · 16/09/2018 12:41

You disagree based on the speculation that perhaps the DB's anxiety management is dependant on the OP's presence? hmm Bit of a leap. One that I imagine the OP would have mentioned if it were the case

Not much of a leap, if DB's comfort zone is important to him. No harm in speculating, OP can confirm or deny. But the main point I disagreed with you on is that OP's DB and parents should have changed their plans.

Original poster
Buffy81 · 16/09/2018 12:50

Nothisispatrick the inlaws mentioned it to the brother in law that they would be going away when they checked that it was ok for them to stay the sat night after the gig. The inlawas did not tell the brother in law where they were going.

Tistheseason17 We said to them when we were going we we orginally booked it in May. Some point between when we booked it to mid june, they then booked somewhere different in the area, tell us that they are not going away for DMinlaw birthday then turn up and ring when they get down. I have spent up to 2 weeks away with my in laws in the past as we have gone abroad with them and done one week hoidays with them in the uk. I have never invited my family to come and spend a day with us as a surprise

Rebecca36 I dont hate them, just wish that they would have been honest about their plans with us.

My brother finds changes hard to deal with when its short notice and we all like spending time with each other when we go away

OP posts:
PawneeParksDept · 16/09/2018 12:52

I love @Rachie1973 's summary 😂

MILs version would probably be dramatically different and include that OPs family are always favoured and she knows she shouldn't have turned up at the same place but that's her DS and DGS and she feels like a second class citizen particularly as DIL and her family can't even pretend to be civil despite being adults

missperegrinespeculiar · 16/09/2018 12:54

yes, well, with your update, I really think YANBU, sounds like the time between the two families is fairly shared, and do they know it would have upset your brother? if so, then it is a little worse than cheeky, I think!

StatisticallyChallenged · 16/09/2018 12:57

I actually think it was a pretty crappy thing to do. You don't just pitch up and expect someone to spend part of their holiday with you - there was no reason for it to be done as a surprise except to make it easier to railroad op and her dh

Wonkypalmtree · 16/09/2018 13:05

I would be annoyed and agree that they had it planned to basically muscle in on your family holiday, I would have agreed to lunch or something, giving DB the option to not attend.

I do understand that your DB doesn’t know these people well and could add to his Amie cry.

Don’t let this ruin your memories of your holiday

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/09/2018 13:14

You really need to use the MIL/FIL/BIL/SIL options instead of the confusing way you've written it - I'm lost too and I'm usually pretty good at this! Confused

DisneyMice · 16/09/2018 13:26

YANBU. It's intrusive regardless of it being PIL or anyone else for that matter.

Annual leave and holidays are really precious and choosing who and what you do with them should be up to you rather than being imposed upon.

It would be totally different if plans were made in advance. It's being imposed upon which is what would irritate me.

DisneyMice · 16/09/2018 13:28

I missed the bit where they claimed it was a coincidence. I don't believe that it was a coincidence. They planned it

RedSkyLastNight · 16/09/2018 13:30

OK, I think I understand what happened and agree that in-laws turning up unannounced is weird, but fail to understand why it's an issue.

At the point where the in-laws appear and suggest going for a meal you do one of three things

  • all of you go out for a meal with in-laws
  • OP and DH go out for a meal with in-laws. Rest of family do something else
  • DH politely says that they already have the week planned with OP's family and will have a meal when they get home.

I can't see why any of these causes any particular problems?