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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to think that they had this planned?

135 replies

Buffy81 · 16/09/2018 11:36

Hi. I am afraid that this is aDM/DF in law one.

We have just been on holiday for a week and there was 6 of us in total: Me, DH, DS, DB, DM, DF.

On Saturday we went away for the week. On the Sunday night, DH received a phone call from his DM to say that they where also in the same place and that they had come today and would we all like to do something while they were there. They were going back on the Wednesday staying some where different.

We were all shocked when we had the phone call. It was also her birthday when we were away. Normally DM/DF in law go away for her birthday and this yr they said that they werent going away as they were going away a couple of weeks before.

Out of politeness we agreed to the one day, with me, DM and DB all giving looks to each other to say that we were not to happy about it, but would go along with it to keep the peace. This started to make my DB anxious as he suffers with epilepsy and being out of his comfort zone and in new places can make him feel like that which in turn can bring on a seizure, lucky for him he didn't have one we managed to keep him calm. He cant take meds to often for it due to his epilepsy medication

We booked our holiday some point in may. In mid June, DB in law asked if him and his wife could stay there on the Saturday night due to them going to a gig in London on the Sat night. Her reply to him was was that they were going away on the Sunday for a few nights, but didnt tell them where as DB Wife told me this over fb messenger on the Monday

On the Tuesday when we all went out, I found that I could not relax properly as I might have said something to DM inlaw which in turn she then would have got upset about it as she gets really emotional about things and then we would have had the DF in law having words. By saying something it would have made it a uncomfortable day for everybody

It really felt like they were imposing on our holiday

OP posts:
sprinklesandsauce · 16/09/2018 13:37

YANBU, they gatecrashed your holiday. You should be allowed a holiday with your family without the jealous PIL having to crash it. They could have openly suggested to you that they come and join you for a couple of days and then you would have all been prepared for it.

Blameanamechange · 16/09/2018 13:38

I totally understood yr post OP. I think it was a bit of an underhand thing to do esp as you spend time with them anyway. Next time just don't say where you're going!

Witchend · 16/09/2018 13:40

The problem is not the one meal, the problem is just being put on the spot.

If mil had said a few weeks ago that they were going on holiday close and would they mind meeting up at a midway point for a meal for mil's birthday then it would have been absolutely fine by me.

But she deliberately consealed that they were going away at all, and dropped it in them expecting Op's family to drop all for them. That I wouldn't like.

eddielizzard · 16/09/2018 13:40

I do think it's weird that they effectively gate crashed and didn't want anyone to know. I think they wanted to go but didn't want to invite themselves along in case you said no, so did it this clandestine way. They basically put you on the spot so you couldn't say no.

I can see the imposition on your DBro.

It would unnerve me too, and so in future I would be cagey about the location of your holidays when you don't want them there. Lesson learned eh?

JessicaJonesJacket · 16/09/2018 13:53

They obviously planned to gatecrash your holiday. I'd probably ask them why they kept their holiday a secret - instead of telling you in advance and asking if you wanted to do something on DMIL's birthday.
Your DB's illness is a bit of a red herring. Even if your DB hadn't been there, it was still odd that DMIL and DFIL lied about their holiday plans.

BewareOfDragons · 16/09/2018 13:57

It sounds like your Inlaws crashed your holiday, had been planning it for several months, and told their son not to tell you that they'd be away this weekend (crashing your holiday) so you didn't find out.

That's just not on.

You chose to have a holiday with your parents and epileptic brother, and your Inlaws decided they couldn't have that, and showed up.

I would be furious.

I would also have expected my DH to say you already had a full schedule if you didn't want to see them under the circumstances ... because they got away with their boundary jumping behaviour.

Your DH needs to have serious words with them now about never, ever doing something like that again.

fc301 · 16/09/2018 13:59

FFS OP it is not 'DM in law' or DMinlaw it is MIL.

FWIW YANBU - MIL has clearly gatecrashed your holiday (and lied about her clear intention to do so) because it's her birthday (selfish). If in the least challenged about her batshit behaviour then she throws an emotional wobbly and FIL has a pop at you, hence you were all on eggshells around her (emotionally manipulative).

Those PP that can't see this dynamic are fortunate because they come from functional non-toxic families - lucky them.

If I were you I would proceed with extreme caution in all future dealings with them.

Veganfortheanimals · 16/09/2018 14:10

You know op..I'd feel sad if my mil did that,sad that she obviously felt she couldn't ring me and ask in advance,sad that she obviously felt left out ,sad that it was her birthday and I hadn't felt to include her...I feel really sorry for your inlaws ,because they must of felt desperately lonely and left out ,to do that..I think a little kindness is needed here

Blondeshavemorefun · 16/09/2018 14:16

I don’t see the problem

You went on holiday. In laws arrived locally and asked if you wanted to join them for one day on mil birthday

Your db did t need to go if finds new new people /situation stressful to health

And yes maybe you have been away on holiday with inlaws and your parents didn’t gatecrash. But if they had and was your mums birthday bet you would have seen her for a meal

MortyVicar · 16/09/2018 14:19

I feel really sorry for your inlaws ,because they must of felt desperately lonely and left out ,to do that..I think a little kindness is needed here

Have you missed the bits where the OP says that (a) she and DH regularly go away with her in laws, for a week or two at a time and (b) that the in laws usually choose to go away on their own for MiL's birthday?

If they did feel left out it seems unreasonable, and barging in on someone else's holiday means you're being selfish. I agree with other PPs that they knew exactly what they were doing and did it this way so that OP and DH would be put on the spot. It's easy to give ideas for how they could have reacted when you've got time to think, but they weren't given that luxury.

CassandraCross · 16/09/2018 14:26

Still think you are being unreasonable OP and still don't understand why just you and your husband couldn't have spent the day, or just arranged a meal out, with his parents, why was it necessary to drag everyone else along? Surely your brother would have been happy to spend the day with his own parents? Why does you and your husband doing something different together on one day have such a negative impact on him?

Maybe your ML thought a surprise day out with you and her son on her birthday would be nice? How terrible of her to imagine that.

fc301 · 16/09/2018 14:29

Eh? Where is it normal to follow someone on holiday??!!

Hoppinggreen · 16/09/2018 14:38

I’m with you OP
If I was spending time with either MY family ( or in fact DH’s) and the other side of the family phoned to say they were in the area and wanted to meet I wouldn’t be happy. My Mum and MIL really don’t like each other though and get very jealous of the time we spend with the other one so it would be a deliberate act in our case.
I would just say no

BerylStreep · 16/09/2018 14:43

Does your MIL have form for not respecting boundaries?

SpottingTheZebras · 16/09/2018 14:50

YABU - for your OP being so hard to follow, for begrudging spending some time with your PIL, and for asking if your are BU and then refusing to accept it when everyone says you are.

picklemepopcorn · 16/09/2018 14:56

OP's family was spending time with her parents and her brother who has disabilities.

MiL and FiL gate crashed a day, causing DB anxiety and which can trigger a fit.

YANBU to be irritated about it.

Personally, I would say how stressful it was to have to accommodate their surprise and that you need to plan ahead because of your brother's condition. I totally understand how your heart sinks when you go on a relaxed holiday and someone comes along and makes it complicated and stressful.

picklemepopcorn · 16/09/2018 14:57

We went away with MiL and FiL. Shared a cottage. Tried to have one day- one day- on our own, as we had a newborn, a 4yr old, and DH was working away throughout the week. We just wanted some time as a family. One meal, one outing. They followed us. Complained when we spent too long looking at the boats in the marina.

MrsFassy · 16/09/2018 15:01

Zebras not everyone has said the OP ibu. In fact, those of us who seem to have managed to understand the op have said she's nbu.

The PILs have their time with their OP, her husband and son. For me it reads like they would usually be away themselves at this time of year, but this year, for whatever reason, they had their holiday earlier and then decided to gatecrash OP's family holiday, because it suited them.

Oakmaiden · 16/09/2018 15:04

I think it is all a bit odd.

I can quite easily see a conversation where two people are sat saying "It is a shame we didn't book to go away this year like we normally do - particularly since our family are away so we can't spend my birthday with them. I know! Why don't we book to pop down there just for the day? It would be fabulous fun, and we all get on so well I am sure they would love it! We could make it a surprise!"

Assuming you didn't have particular plans for the day which were ruined by the imposition I don't know why it is even something you are questioning.

Honeyroar · 16/09/2018 15:06

Yes it's a tiny bit strange that they surprised you, but not massively. They didn't exactly crash your holiday, they booked a different hotel and we're moving on somewhere else after a few days. They just asked whether you fancied meeting up for a meal on one day. To be honest your brother doesn't sound the only one that can't deal with things in your family. You sound very stressy.

SoyDora · 16/09/2018 15:07

Ok so it clearly wasn’t a coincidence and they clearly lied about not going away for MIL’s birthday. Can’t really see how anyone wouldn’t think that was weird/inappropriate.
I do think you’re being a tad dramatic over the brothers anxiety/exchanging looks over the table/not wanting to say anything in case you said something inappropriate. You need to be firmer. Something like ‘oh what a shame, if we’d known you were coming we could have arranged to all do something together but as we didn’t, we already have plans’. Or you and DH could have met them for birthday dinner, or even just a coffee. You didn’t have to drag everyone out for a day trip with them while you all rolled your eyes at each other.

AllyMcBeagle · 16/09/2018 15:10

YANBU. It's weird. I've once been on holiday before with relatives and PIL have been caravanning nearby coincidentally so they suggested meeting up - but this was all arranged in advance when duscussing our holiday plans when we realised that we would all be in roughly the same area at the same time. I would be put off if they were sneaking around and springing things on us.

VladmirsPoutine · 16/09/2018 15:14

Acronyms will destroy us all...

counterpoint · 16/09/2018 15:15

Have you got over the shock yet, OP?

Usernom1234567890 · 16/09/2018 15:21

YANBU
Totally weird. I'd be annoyed at the lies & pushiness.