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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to send DS to this class today?

119 replies

hidinginthenightgarden · 15/09/2018 06:20

Ds has been going to a dance class since last xmas. He often kicks up a fuss about going but has a good time when they get there.
Classes didn't run over the summer and I said to DH, as September approached, that I didn't want to send him this term if he was going to argue about it every week. I asked DS if he wanted to go this term and he said yes.

Last night I mentioned it to him and he got upset saying he didn't want to go as he gets too hot. DH said that's rubbish, he is going. I then took DS up to bed and said as we had paid this month, could we go tomorrow and if he doesn't want to go back we won't. He burst into tears and was sobbing saying he doesn't want to go. Has no friends there etc. I told him if he was that upset at the thought of it, he didn't have to. When I tell DH this morning he is going to say we paid, he should go. It is only £12 we will have lost so I don't think it is fair we upset him so much. AIBU saying he doesn't have to go?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 15/09/2018 06:24

How old is he?

As he was given the choice and said yes meaning you had paid then in most circumstances I think I would be with your dh.

Banananananananaaaa · 15/09/2018 06:26

I wouldn't - I really don't think there is anything to be gained or any lesson to be learnt. It might be different if he had nagged or begged to be allowed to go then changed his mind once it was booked and paid for. But it sounds like he didn't love it last term and now having had a break he really doesn't want to go back. I think it's ok sometimes to let the DC decide.

Mumof1DS · 15/09/2018 06:27

I would be with your DH as well. But also, is he still enjoying it when he gets there? If so, I would be taking him along anyway.

positivepixie · 15/09/2018 06:28

You've already told your DS he doesn't have to go if he's upset so your DH would be unreasonable to contradict this and confuse DS. I'd have probably said 'let's see how you feel in the morning' but as you've given DS your word, you need to stick to it. The money isn't important but consistent parenting is very important.

Original poster
hidinginthenightgarden · 15/09/2018 06:29

He is 5.
When I ask after class he says he enjoys it but we cannot watch the class to see that for ourselves. He says he enjoys things even when we have clearly witnessed that he hasn't though.
Whenever we are away from class, he switches between yes and no when you ask him.

OP posts:
YourMilkshakeIsBetterThanMine · 15/09/2018 06:35

I would rather "lose" £12 than cause my child distress like that tbh. The £12 is gone regardless. Mine do a few extracurricular activities but they don't have to go. They have to go to school. Luckily they pretty much always want to go to everything. If they were telling me they weren't enjoying something anymore then we'd stop.

Angrybird345 · 15/09/2018 06:42

Just stop sending him. Not worth it.

BookMeOnTheSudExpress · 15/09/2018 06:42

The fact that you say he has often kicked up a fuss despite saying he liked it when he got there seems to say he doesn't want to do it.

My dd is much older now, and does loads of extra stuff, but chosen by her.

At 4 she wanted to do dance classes. I enrolled her, she stuck it for 3 weeks. It's not worth the hassle tbh. Maybe in a year or so he might want to do it again, maybe he won't.

The only thing that would make me insist on him going is if he didn't want to do it because he wanted to play on his phone/watch telly.

Original poster
hidinginthenightgarden · 15/09/2018 06:45

I would rather "lose" £12 than cause my child distress like that tbh
This is how I feel. Ds doesn't get like that often. DH doesn't feel the fight trying to get him there every week so I am going to say if he wants to try and get him there he can.
He will probably stop pushing then.

OP posts:
Original poster
hidinginthenightgarden · 15/09/2018 06:48

Book. If he didn't do anything else then I would push it more - and that's why I pushed it last year, it was the only thing he did outside school.
He now goes to a kids club at the gym 7 hours a week doing active/creative activities and is about to start swimming lessons.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 15/09/2018 06:50

What does the class teacher say? What’s he like in class?

My 5yo boy also goes to a Sat am dance class (wonder if it’s the same one). He likes going and therefore we take him.

If he didn’t we wouldn’t because frankly that’s not fun for anyone.

He has HFA and has issues concentrating at times so we ask the teacher about how it’s gone. Generally it’s very positive.

Could you be frank with the teacher? Ask how he is in class etc?

These things are supposed to be fun.

LusaCole · 15/09/2018 06:51

As he’s only 5 I’m with you OP. My answer would be different if he was older.

Merryoldgoat · 15/09/2018 06:51

Cross post - if it’s a chore to get him there then no. Who needs that shit on a Saturday morning?

Original poster
hidinginthenightgarden · 15/09/2018 06:57

The teacher is very young. About 17 years old and doesn't interact with the parents much although seems very good with the kids. I have asked before and was told he did well.

OP posts:
Sarahani · 15/09/2018 07:03

He's still little and can't really grasp what you're saying when you ask if he wants to go and what that means financially.

DS did swimming which I paid for per term but after six lessons of tears every week we stopped. It's supposed to be fun. Instead turned into being really stressful for both of us and put him off swimming completely for a while.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 15/09/2018 07:25

I had a similar situation with my 3.5 year old - he used to love his dancing class, then gradually lost interest... I let him drop it and do football instead, because Saturday mornings should be fun and he just wasn't enjoying it any more.

Butterymuffin · 15/09/2018 07:28

Doesn't sound like he's ever been that keen on it. I would let him stop and find some other activity. And yes if your DH insists then say it's his job to take him.

Neolara · 15/09/2018 07:30

Blimey. He's 5 and it's meant to be fun. He will have no proper concept of £12. Just started school? Exhausted from keeping it together during the week? Just don't send him. He can start again when he's older if he wants.

Bicnod · 15/09/2018 07:32

With my 3 I have a rule that they have to tell me directly after the class that they don't want to do it anymore - I always ask the question if they've had a wobble before a class. Otherwise they go to the next one.

That said, five is very young. I don't think mine did extracurricular activities at five except for swimming which has always been non negotiable. They were just too tired from school at that age.

Original poster
hidinginthenightgarden · 15/09/2018 07:33

Neolara, he is in yr one. But yes, he just started a new term and we all started going to the gym 7 hours a week so he is probably shattered.

OP posts:
AJPTaylor · 15/09/2018 07:33

He is 5
Literally the only question is, is it fun? If the answer isnt yes then stop.
Also if he is little and doing lots watch out for tiredness

Holdmydrink · 15/09/2018 07:40

It really depends on the root of his anxiety.

My daughter also goes to a dance class, and has anxiety related issues, OCD specifically. you wouldn't know it. But she always panics before dance and doesn't want to go.

It's a chemical reaction, the body is sending the body into fight or flight mode. We personally talk DD through it, we 'make' her go, as we know she actually enjoys it when she's through the door and when she finishes we discuss it. We say, were you ok with us taking you in, do you want to go next time, did you have a fun time. It's always yes to those questions, until the next week.

I think you need to get to the root. If you genuinely don't think he would benefit from it, don't force him. You could when he's older.

I only mention the OCD as my DD was the same regarding dance classes, and we didn't know it was OCD was until she was 6.5 (she displays other OCD anxiety related symptoms, like question asking, worrying irrationally about things etc).

FishesThatFly · 15/09/2018 07:40

DH doesn't feel the fight trying to get him there every week so I am going to say if he wants to try and get him there he can. He will probably stop pushing then

And there's your answer. Let DH deal with getting him there if the money is so important to him.

Leyani · 15/09/2018 07:41

I think the bigger problem is that you and Dh need to agree such things before telling your son two different things and undermining each other. Your dh had already said that as it was paid he was going, and then you said he didn't have to. Or maybe it was the other way around? Whichever way, I feel this is a regular thing this might cause more trouble than going to a class he doesn't like one more time or losing £12.

delilahbucket · 15/09/2018 07:42

At 5 I wouldn't make him go. My ds tried a bit of everything at that age but didn't start to stick at anything until 8. Dance clearly isn't for him and he isn't going to stick with it by being forced against his wishes. He might go back to it when he is older.