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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to send DS to this class today?

119 replies

hidinginthenightgarden · 15/09/2018 06:20

Ds has been going to a dance class since last xmas. He often kicks up a fuss about going but has a good time when they get there.
Classes didn't run over the summer and I said to DH, as September approached, that I didn't want to send him this term if he was going to argue about it every week. I asked DS if he wanted to go this term and he said yes.

Last night I mentioned it to him and he got upset saying he didn't want to go as he gets too hot. DH said that's rubbish, he is going. I then took DS up to bed and said as we had paid this month, could we go tomorrow and if he doesn't want to go back we won't. He burst into tears and was sobbing saying he doesn't want to go. Has no friends there etc. I told him if he was that upset at the thought of it, he didn't have to. When I tell DH this morning he is going to say we paid, he should go. It is only £12 we will have lost so I don't think it is fair we upset him so much. AIBU saying he doesn't have to go?

OP posts:
AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy · 15/09/2018 09:18

Write it off. The important thing is that kids enjoy what they’re doing. There’s obviously a reason for him being so upset at the thought of going. I’d be more concerned with that, if I were his dad.

My DS informed me one day, he wasn’t doing one at school anymore, It took a while to get to it but eventually it came out that another buy was “touching” him, when he got changed. It’d been going in for months.

AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy · 15/09/2018 09:19

Wasnt doing PE at school anymore. (Typos)

Original poster
hidinginthenightgarden · 15/09/2018 09:24

Adventuring, he gets down time every morning before school and 4 evenings a week plus weekends.
We go to the gym mon & Fri 5-7, Wednesday 6-7 and Sunday 10-12. this only started in the last 2 weeks and is because he spends all his down time watching crap on youtube. He complains whenever we say lets go somewhere and when asked what he would rather do, his reply is watch Tv. We started the gym to reduce the number of hours sat in front of the TV.

This morning for example. He came down around 8ish. He is still watching TV.

OP posts:
ShovingLeopard · 15/09/2018 09:26

Any reason why you have to go out and do activities to reduce his TV watching, rather than simply having a limit on screen time?

Butterymuffin · 15/09/2018 09:29

Limit screen time and give him kids' magazines or age-appropriate books instead, for whatever level he's at.

Butterymuffin · 15/09/2018 09:30

Also, get him out to the playground or local park for a play and a run around outdoors. Costs nothing. I've done many an early Saturday morning stint at the playground with other weary looking parents. And there's soft play in less good weather.

BarbarianMum · 15/09/2018 09:32

Id send him. My kids were allowed to give things up but only with a couple of weeks notice. Ds2 said he wanted to give up dancing several times at that age - we always said fine, at the end of the month. He always changed his mind and 5 years later he's still dancing and absolutely loves it. Havent had to insist he goea to a class in years.

Im not saying your ds will be the same, dancing may not be for him. In which case he can give it up in a week or two. But there will cone a time he says he wants to quit something he does love just because he doesnt fancy it on a particular day. What then?

As for the sobbing, I d put it down to tiredness. Ds2 was in tears about his hairstyle last night (wtf?). This morning all is fine.

Original poster
hidinginthenightgarden · 15/09/2018 09:32

Because the longer they are in the house, the more the kids start to wind each other up!
Plus this way, we are all getting fitter together.

OP posts:
AdventuringThroughLife · 15/09/2018 09:32

Thats an awful lot after coming home from school. And at 5 wont have a lot of ideas of what to do if you ask him 'you need to have ideas! Palming him off in the evenings when hes done a full day of school is exhausting. 6-7 is windown and have stories at home time for most families of 5 year olds I know. To be out until 7 3 school nights a week and then Sat am as well is an awful lot for a 5 year old. Never mind another activity as well!

Id honestly look at that and do more at home together with him, take him out at weekends. Cook/do art/play together and discover his interests rather than just dump him in the evenings .

Ignoramusgiganticus · 15/09/2018 09:33

He's young, didn't understand properly what he was agreeing to and has form for saying he's enjoying something when clearly he isn't.

No I definitely wouldn't make him go. In fact I wouldn't have continued to force him to go last year. I think you were quite cruel to do that tbh.

Original poster
hidinginthenightgarden · 15/09/2018 09:36

And we do go to the park, have annual pass to the zoo etc. All of which is completely irrelevant to this post because I asked if I was being unreasonable not to make he go to a dance class, not about our choices of activities in general.

OP posts:
LittleBookofCalm · 15/09/2018 09:40

Let his dad take him, if he is so keen.

AdventuringThroughLife · 15/09/2018 09:41

It is relevant as his reason for not going can be pure exhaustion . My eldest (9) would do every club under the sun given a choice but she would be exhausted and not enjoy them if she was up late all the time.

Aside from that at 5 no, you dont force them to go after a year of telling you they dont like it. There are so many other activities out there for them to try. Many kids at 5 still dont really like being left (one of mine did one doesnt) and still are working out what they enjoy and what they dont. They also may well give the answers they think you are expecting to hear.

If hes very articulately requested (repeatedly) not to go I really wouldnt make him go.

nokidshere · 15/09/2018 09:44

What is the point? He doesn't want to go so you are wasting the money anyway. His not going does not impact on anyone else, and he's far to young to be doing the "Ive already paid so you have to do it" line.

Life is not about responsibility at 5 yrs old, it's about fun, love and excitement.

Original poster
hidinginthenightgarden · 15/09/2018 09:48

If the gym had been an old thing, then yes I would agree it is exhaustion. But he has been going to the gym for 2 weeks (and not dancing) whereas he was complaining about dancing from maybe Easter onwards (before that he was okay).

OP posts:
LittleBookofCalm · 15/09/2018 09:55

why did you pay if he has been saying he doesnt like it since easter? Hmm

AdventuringThroughLife · 15/09/2018 09:57

Well thats your answer then isnt it. Hes only 5 and has consistently not wanted to go since Easter...

Original poster
hidinginthenightgarden · 15/09/2018 09:57

DH didn't cancel the direct debit as when asked, DS said he wanted to go. I even said to DS "are you sure, I don't want to be pushing you every week to get out the door". And he said he wanted to go. I didn't actively pay.

OP posts:
ShovingLeopard · 15/09/2018 10:11

I think the gym is relevant, as it means he is already doing a very, very scheduled week, and my worry would be he is already over-scheduled and needs a break on Saturdays. Some people thrive on being constantly busy. Others find it exhausting. The gym schedule you mention would be way too much for some (me included), on top of school/work. Obviously, we don't know if your son thrives on busyness/little down time, or needs more time to recharge. Just make sure that you have tuned into him sufficiently to be able to make an informed judgment, rather than assume he will be ok with a schedule that suits you.

Re the dance class, I get that it is annoying he said he would go and then cried off once you had paid. I would feel some irritation at that. But he has said repeatedly over months that he doesn't want to go, and has form for saying he likes things when he doesn't. I'd bin that off and just write off the money.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/09/2018 10:13

He is 5.

Hes still tiny.

He's just back at school and it's exhausting.

He doesn't NEED to be doing afterscho activities if they're not fun and enjoyable.

I'd tell DH to back off and take him off to the park or for a hot chocolate

Original poster
hidinginthenightgarden · 15/09/2018 10:13

Shoving I am happy to bin off the class - it is DH who wants him to go. My reasoning has been just as you stated. Last year he was doing nothing out if school other than this class. Now we are out a lot more, he doesn't want to do the class and I think that is fine.

OP posts:
GrimSqueaker · 15/09/2018 10:27

My line with my two has always been that I don't mind you stopping doing something when it's not fun anymore - but I want you to think about it till the end of the month I've paid for and then be sure if you're going to want to give it up (worst it is is a couple of weeks) as I can't be doing with these kids who stop and start stuff constantly.

DD1 started to get sick of dancing at a similar sort of age - then thought it through and decided she did want to keep going and eventually had had enough by about the Easter time so we stopped it. Then her sister who still did want to go switched classes and DD1 realised she missed it - so eventually rejoined her sister at the new class when there was space from the waiting list (new teacher is so so nice with the kids there's a massive list to get into her classes). The change of class has been great for her as she does genuinely love dance but our faces were increasingly not fitting where we were and she was picking up on that - loves the new teacher who is amazing with kids and is back to "oh yeah it's dancing tonight" gleefulness.

So basically I don't let them quit on a whim but if it's been consistent for a few weeks I'll be talking it through with them. Works for us although neither of mine are the quitting type generally - there are various activities which do my head in dealing with the parents while waiting and I keep hoping the kids get sick of them so we can stop but nope!

ShovingLeopard · 15/09/2018 10:43

Sorry, hiding, I see now that it is your DH pushing this. Why is he doing so? Does he not get that a 5 year old (or indeed a person of any age!) needs some downtime? Or indeed a level of autonomy over some aspect of his life? 5 year olds get precious little of that, generally.

If he is focussing on teaching him to follow through with things even if he doesn't like them, I think DS having done the class since stopping liking it at Easter ticks that box, and there will be plenty more opportunities to reinforce that skill as he grows up.

mostdays · 15/09/2018 10:46

I wouldn't take him. I think your dh is being an arse. I don't get parents who force their dc into actives they don't want to do. It's so silly.

Bellyscreen · 15/09/2018 10:48

My Dd is 4 and we’re in a slightly similar situation. She begs to go, looks forward to it, but gets upset when we try to leave her there. She’s fine during the class though and really enjoys herself. I’m at the point where I don’t want to take her any more because I’m sick of the crying at drop off, it’s bad enough when she does it at school.