My son was assaulted at school and I don't like how the school handled it. But AIBU?

[ButAIBUtho]

My son is in year 7 so only a couple of weeks in.
Two things that could alter my reasonablility in what happened today
1- we're fresh out of Primary school, perhaps this is the norm for secondary school
2- I was horrifically bullied at school and beaten up regularly, I've no doubt this makes me extra jumpy with issues of bullying that may arise.

Today I get a phone call from pastoral at 1pm. They say my son has been punched in the face after he got into a 'fracas'. But they put ice on it and he's gone back to class.

That's it.

I ask is he ok? What happened? Who did it? How did the fight start? Is he ok to walk home? Will it happen again? How old was the kid?

They say they don't know. They just deal with first aid and to call his house.

I'm panicking because DS is a really gentle soul and quiet, least aggressive child I know and his kindness has always been pointed out by teachers at primary (again false sense of security?!).

So I'm calling the school for over an hour trying to get through to someone to find out wtf happened, and is my kid ok? I mean, aside from the ice on the cheek?!

Someone finally calls me back about 2.15pm, I ask what happened? They said they just spoke to my son and he got into a fight and the other child hit my son in the face, but they will get statements from everyone and find out what happened.
I asked if it would happen again? Is my son ok to walk home? Who is the other child?

They can't tell me who the kid is and they are going to investigate it.

I ask them if I can come and collect DS as I still don't know if he's ok (I wouldn't be if I'd just been punched!) and they said yes.

So I go down to the school, see DS waiting for me. I ask to speak to someone about what's happened.
In the mean time I talk to DS, I can see the bruises on his face (I've since taken photos) and ask him what happened.

DS was with a friend, child X called friend a pussy. My DS said "why are you calling him a pussy?"
Child X asks DS if he wants a fight? DS said no, Child X swings and DS. DS pushes him away, Child X falls down. He then gets up and punches DS 5 times in the face, a teacher pulls him off.

The friend DS is with has a black eye, earlier in the week Child X punched him and he's got massive bruising (DS says "worse than mine") and it looks terrible.

Half an hour passes and a woman saunters over. We go into a room, and she says "what do you want to know?"

I say I wanted to know what happened. DS has since told me, he also told me another child has been hurt. What happens next? Will the kid be punished? Will DS be ok to walk home safely in future?

She says "well first of all, your child got himself involved with this altercation. And I'll get statements from the adults who witnessed it to find out exactly what happened."

She's really rude and defensive with zero people skills. I'm feeling myself getting a panicky frustration and anger (I expect I was BU?!).

This conversation goes round in circles and I get absolutely no answers. I don't know how the child gets punished, I don't know how they stop it happening in future, I don't know if he's ok to walk home alone or if this kid is going to do it again.

All I know is they'll be getting statements.

I ask how the child will be punished? She said it depends what the statements say and what your son did.

She did admit that one of the teachers statements married up with what my son had said.

She was rude, abrupt and accusatory.
As I left I said she needed to work on her people skills. She said "I could say the same to you."

I walked out and just sat in the car and cried.
I'm a nurse if a child is hurt and a parent is irate, I do my best to calm them down and help them. That's my job.

Today my child was hurt, I wasn't reasurred in any way shape or form (on the contrary, the kid has form for assaulting children) and I've know idea if they contact me to discuss it further or what the fuck happens.

I'm just baffled. Is this normal for secondary?!
Is this how it is handled?

He was repeatedly punched ffs.

LokiBear
Oh yes. And then usually once other children suss them out we get the phone calls about how all the other children are being mean to precious darling (and staff have to bite our tongues to avoid saying 'understandably so because they are forever stirring shit').

And sorry for the disagreement earlier. I thought the teacher had seen and verified the whole account, not just the end.

If a teacher had seen the beginning you would have to wonder how it was able to escalate as it did!

DiegoMad0nna

Fair enough, I missed that, sorry. My son doesn't act like that so it's definitely not all boys fortunately.

I completely get your point OP. Only where children are concerned is there so much minimisation of violence. Imagine if someone was recounting how they were punched at work by someone who'd punched another colleague earlier that week and not been dealt with by management....

I hope your son is ok

MaisyPops

I am referring to the alleged targeting of pupils by the child that hit the OP's DS.

Although from what we have been told the child approached the DS's friend it isn't clear what happened or has been happening before this.

Also we have the statement "targeting children" multiple, the child may be targeting the DS's friend, that is one child (not that that in anyway excuses any form of bullying or violence).

What we know is that something happened for a fight to start between DS's friend and the child and that the child tried to start a fight with the same child today not the OP's DS.

I am a first aider in a secondary school. All the first aides in the school I work in are admin, lunch duty or technicians. Bear in mind none of us are ex nurses or doctors.

I’ve been called before to 8 students in the medical room, you have to triage, call for more help, get those back to class who want to use it as a place to doss for a bit. Deal with people who are injured, call parents to collect those that need immediate treatment. (Repeatedly or try multiple contacts as they don’t pick up the phone)

I always ask a standard head injuries questions, if they say they are fine acting normally and happy to go back to class, they go back to class. advised to come back if anything changes headache nausea etc.

The first aider then will ring home in cases of head injury to make sure you are aware to keep an eye on them later. We genuinely don’t have any info to give you about investigations, punishments or outcomes. We get a lot of grief, but I always say to ring the behaviour team for more information. I understand the frustration and would be delighted if behaviour team would inform parents of head injuries from flight, but they claim they can’t as they were not the first aider who administers treatment.

Some of us finish shortly after lunch, so can’t ring later after you’ve been spoken to the behaviour team. Also we need to get back to our day jobs as support staff has been cut back to the bone and it is too much without the first aid piled on top.

I promise you we do care but we are very short on time.

BoneyBackJefferson
Ah right.
I misunderstood/misread and thought the whole incident had been seen and verified by a teacher (in which case to me name calling, challenging to a fight and taking a swing would be actively targeting a child).

I think the OP has to keep whatever may or may not have happened witj others out of gettinf a resolution from today.

Sirzy
One of the worst fights I had to split up was 2 girls and it escalated pretty quickly. Started with a bit of mouth about someones boyfriend and then the next thing they're at each other. I had to get across the block to get to them. More than enough time to have had the claws out. Thankfully another colleague was close by too.

Willow2017
Having a teacher back up ops sons story isnt enough for you Boney?

I have no problem with the OP's account, her son's or the teachers.

I have issues with posters making stuff up with nothing to back it up.

Christ. I wonder why some kids are so violent and now I see that there's a load of mums who condone this shit passively. I really really hope my son never gets hit in he face at school, as it seems I'll just be told to suck it up as it's part of school life. Hope your boy is ok OP

According to the adorable assistant headteacher and she made a real point of this, the teacher did see the whole thing which was how she was able to tell me (and heavily imply that my son bought all this on himself) that my son "got himself involved" in the fight.
She was heavily implying that it was his fault that he was hit. This really got my back up.

MaisyPops that's exactly what I think happened.

That it escalated that quickly. From experience that is exactly how it happens unfortunately.

Why are people giving Op a hard time about this ?

Her 11 - year old DS got punched 5 times ! If that was my son, oh my word, there will be hell fire. But I would have to go about things a diplomatic way.

I would keep your son out of school until you hear about the result of the investigation and take it from then.

Eeuurrgghhh! Dealt with this type of stuff myself. Teachers do not like parents questioning them. A lot of them haven't got the ability to drop the authoritarian role when dealing with fellow adults.

I would email the Head to say that you want an written report on the outcome of their investigation and your DS will not be returning until you get assurance that he will be safe in school, considering that he is not the first child the attacker has attacked.

You will be 'that' parent but who cares .

In light of your update it looks from teacher witnesses, your sons statement and the other child's statement that there's perhaps more to this then otherwise it would probably have been a quick investigation.

I wonder if (throwing ideas here) what they mean by getting involved is that the child was verbally targeting another peer and then your son got involved in a situation that didn't concern him. So he could have asked if his friend was OK, could have walked away with his friend and didn't engage etc.
So from the school's perspective your son didn't need to respond to the confrontation that had nothing to do with him and that's how it escalated. Obviously that doesn't excuse the violence. The violence should be dealt with severely.

If my son got punched in the face I would not be sending him back to school until I had heard a firm plan from his teachers on how they would be keeping him safe.

I called 101 and logged an assault with the police when my son was punched by another child. It wasnt the first time and the response from school wasnt adequate. The child had previously assaulted other children and I wasn't prepared for my son to be a regular target esp as he has additional needs which does unfortunately increase the taunting.

Police were fab, listened to what my concerns were, reiterated to my son thst he was indeed assaulted and it wasn't acceptable and asked how we wanted to proceed. I said I'd be happy if they spoke to the other boys parents and him to remind him hes over the age of criminal responsibility and needs to be responsible for his actions.

Some may think it was an overreaction however im.glad I did as shortly after during some " typical boisterous boy jostling" my son acquired a fractured arm...

We are still unclear as to who is at fault exactly but it's logged and the police have a clear picture of events

Your son should have walked away. He shouldn’t have made smart with his mouth.

MaisyPops yes that's absolutely what they meant.
And I spoke to DS before I even went into that meeting and said that he is absolutely not to get involved in other people's disputes and to walk away and hail a teacher if that's what his friend needs.

But the assistant head was accusatory and unpleasant and totally disregarded the fact that my son was repeatedly punched for the fact that my son got himself involved.

Sorry posted too soon. That’s what I think the teacher means by your son getting involved.

I had a son with a smart mouth. He got involved in altercations that weren’t his business and got a bat in the bake as a result, more than once.

That’s what your son did. He should have gone and found an adult and told them what was happening.

That isn’t to say the assault shouldn’t be reported to the police, but the op son could be painted by the other boy to have pushed him first. Which is physical assault, as the first push.

Sorry op, your boy definitely came off worse, but he needs to learn to stay out of other people’s arguments - or this will happen again.

No they are not all in “packs” but there is a hierarchy of groups within any social group and this is especially obvious with boys - the kind of kid that tells another that he is a pussy is not saying it randomly it is for a reason. Once they’ve settled then they are usually happy in their own niche.
Hence the whole “inbetweeners” show being so popular.

We he should have walked away.
But sorry, he "made smart with his mouth?"

He said "why did you call him a pussy?" When child X was being absuive to his friend.

Yanbu

I work in a Pastoral role at a Secondary school and I think the entire thing sounds ridiculous. I would have phoned you and told you he'd been involved in a fight and we were finding out what happened and getting statements from people involved and witnesses and then I would have popped him on the phone to reassure you and to tell you his side. I wouldn't let him chat away for half an hour or anything of course but I think the transition is hard enough on kids and on parents and a bit of compassion goes a long way. For what it's worth, I'd do the same with the other boy that was involved because even the hard cases need love and respect and he (the other boy that did the punching) clearly has something he's very angry about that obviously needs dealing with, for all we know he could be going through a bad time at home or be under CAMHS for things your son is lucky enough to be protected from. The member of staff you spoke to sounds like a prize twat. Sorry you have had this experience and so sorry your poor son has had such a horrid day. I hope he feels better soon abd has a nice weekend being spoilt. You sound like a lovely mum and YANBU that the school look bad here.

Yes. He knew rightly that wasn’t going to go well. He’s 11. Not 2.

I had one. He did the innocent it wasn’t me too, and it took him a while to learn to keep his trap shut. And do what he was supposed to do and go and get an adult. Or else make sure he hit harder.

You can do something practical and useful:
ie take a "statement" from your son.

You see, I'm not clear why the fight happened in the first place. Your post concentrates on the aftermath and stuff like "he's done it to other kids", (which is irrelevant to this incident, but may be taken into account when deciding the outcome). You concentrate on the staff's response too (again not relevant) - showing perhaps that you have a lot of baggage left over from your own terrible experiences.

The statement should concentrate on the five minutes leading up to the fight (who was there, who said what, where had they come from, where were they going);

then, what happened during the fight (who pushed, who punched, who intervened, who saw it, how did it end);

then describe the injuries.

Stick to the facts, as your son knows them.

OP if my child was repeatedly punched in the face I would be livid. I think I'd probably call the police. Your understandably upset and staff at the school should've tried harder to placate you and have more empathy.
I really hope this hasn't affected your son too much x