Help me understand people who are consistently late

[Namechangemum100]

I'm.meeting a friend today, I have deliberately told her the meet time is 30 minutes earlier than it should be as I know for sure she will be late, she always is.

I am one of those people who is always on time, I get ridiculous anxiety if I'm running late and it's just the way I am, but I find myself constantly waiting around for other people, and I just don't understand it.

If you are the type of person who is always late (15 minutes plus and excluding unavoidable traffic etc ), whats your reasoning? I have some friends who will actually say "oh I'll be late to xyz, you know me"...what does this mean?! How?! You know the time of meeting, why is it so hard? Some people will actually let me know they are "running late" at the actual meet time...how did you not forsee this situation 10-15 minutes ago and give a heads up?!

I'm not trying to be goady, if I understand the reasons why I think I might find it less frustrating.

people who are consistently late are not able to effectively prioritise and / or manage their time effectively. It's annoying at the very least - it doesn't really work for me.

The people who need a deadline to be on time - the time you are due to meet is your deadline!
If you find yourself consistently late no matter how much time you leave to get ready. You need to leave even more time.
I can’t get my head around someone only realising they will need to dry their hair once it’s already wet and it’s time to leave.
To the poster who says she’s late because she doesn’t like waiting around if she’s early I’m pretty sure that is the reason for most peoples lateness. Shame that it causes the people they are meeting to have to wait around because they probably don’t like it either.
While you’re pottering around your house doing bits and bobs the person you are meeting has left their jobs to be on time to meet you. They may be having to entertain fractious children in a place they hadn’t planned to stay for an hour. They may just be sat bored to death when they could have been doing what they chose as you are.

I'm an optimist. I always think it'll take me 10 minutes to get ready to go out. It takes 40.

Then why not leave 30 mins more if you know it always takes much longer?
Are you always 30 mins late for work? If not then you don’t have a timekeeping problem you have a not giving a shit if people have to wait for you problem.

I can’t get my head around someone only realising they will need to dry their hair once it’s already wet and it’s time to leave

I can't fathom it eitger . I mean getting dressed takes a few minutes. A shower takes a few minutes. Shoes take seconds to put on etc

People literally cannot be physically getting ready the entire time.

Surely all the other things they do in that time that they arebt getting ready to go out is a choice. You can choose not to Hoover the carpet. Unload the dish washer etc

I’ve been late my whole life, and it’s taken a shit load of therapy to discover why.

The truth is that I want to be at home. I dread meeting people (even family) and although I know I’ll enjoy interaction when it happens, I just don’t want to do it. So I put it off and put it off and put it off until I can’t any more. And invariably by that stage I’m late.

Most days, I can leave my DD to get dressed for school while I clean my teeth, pack my bag, hunt for keys etc and all is fine. But say one morning out of ten (at least) I'll come downstairs and she's sat in her pants gorming at the TV or assaulting the cat or something and we've got ten minutes left to leave the house and it's never going to happen. It's not really worth insisting on dressing her myself every day, because she's perfectly capable and usually does it fine, but then when she is arsing about it makes us late.

It's not all my DD's fault, I often cut things very fine and it is because of anxiety. I worry about forgetting something I'll want/need, or forgetting to turn the iron off, or forgetting to draw my eyebrows on, and I think, well I could just think fuck it and get there on time but then it will ruin the whole day anyway, I'll feel like crap and my house may or may not be on fire. Which does, at the time, seem more important than being early.

Why are we getting the same few threads recycled at the mo? It's very deja vu.

as previously mentioned is have 2 under 2...19month and 5 month

Woppey-f*cking-doo. They get harder to get out of the house when older - not easier.

I'm always late and honestly? I've no idea why really. Genuingly. We're talking no more than 10 mins most of the time. I do let them know as soon as I realise.

I can see how it may seem disrespectful but it isn't.

• I get worried I'll be stood up. Hang ups from childhood make me (still) scared I'll be laughed at when no one turns up. Yes, I know I need to get over it.

• I'm useless at estimating distance and time so always think places take less time to get to than they do. I try to overestimate but am still as late

as I would have been. Even journeys I make frequently I struggle to work out timings.

• I use public transport. 'Nuff said.

• I lose track of time. I look at the clock and see there's 30mins to leave. Next time I look, I should have left 5 mins ago. No idea how that happens.

• My husband is always late too. We are rubbish together.

When my grandparents plan to meet us, they always tell us an hour early because they think we'll be late. We know they do but the ironic thing is, they are always late!

This article www.theguardian.com/science/2013/jan/01/psychology-time-perception-awareness-research
Is interesting I've read other things about time perception I essentially think we perceive it differently and some because they are more chaotic as well mean they are always late.
I've spent years teaching myself not to be late and luckily my kids seem to have learnt how to be timely quicker than me

Ohforfoxache - YES! I've never seen it like that but yes! Absolutely yes. Fundamentally I don't want to leave the house. It boils down simply to that. People exhaust me - even the ones I like.

Posted too soon...

People exhaust me so I subcounsciously put off leaving to meet them , even if I know I'll enjoy it once I'm there.

I hate being late but these days often am. I think its a few things. I try to fit too much into a space of time e.g I get up at 7 (cant get up earlier as am usually lying in bed breastfeeding). Then I get myself showered and dressed, toddler dressed a d toileted, change baby's nappy and get her dressed, get us all breakfast, feed dog, pick up dog poo, take dog for a walk. Only then can i leave the house.

Then there are the inevitable last.minute things such as toddler needing toilet, or wanting to put her own shoes on etc.

Finally, I used to bust my gut trying to get everywhere on time and found myself kept waiting a lot so now I am more focused on myself and my kids and our needs.

If its something with an inflexible time, I just leave when i need to even if that means no make up on or I haven't had breakfast yet. But if I'm meeting friends, I know that they get it as they are mostly in the same position.

However i always try to give at least half an hour notice if I'm aware I'm going to be more than 5 minutes late.

Well there’s a lot of things people don’t want to go to but if you make arrangements you go on time. Not particularly looking forward to my smear test but I doubt my gp would be sympathetic about me rocking up an hour late because I wasn’t too keen.

Loads of speshul snow flakes on this thread......

I am naturally inclined to be on time but as everyone else is always late I have started to chillax and do things their way. So I don't start getting kids shoes on until practically the time we're meant to be there, don't stress if one wants to run back in to retrieve a favourite toy etc. We now all arrive a similar times. Get into the mindset of the late person.

I'm always early or on time, I suppose I just find it easy to work out what time to leave to make things click. DH is always late because he doesn't factor in any wriggle room at any point and feels that anything that delays him in any way is completely not his fault and nothing he should have to give any consideration to. So I think it's to do with how good you are at the mental load of forward planning.

Most things I'll tend to be just in time for with an inevitable mad dash at the end out of fear of lateness.

I struggle with transitions and getting started and get easily distracted. I find it hard to estimate and track time. So if I check my watch and we're doing well for 8:35, the pressure eases and suddenly I realise that it's not 8:35 which I've been stuck on for 10 minutes, it's 8:45 and we've still got shoes to put on and hair to comb in the next 5 minutes which marks the maximum time we can leave at before being late. I struggle to find the balance between allowing enough realistic time and contingency and too much time which lets in faffing and complacency.

DCs add another layer of inconsistency. It seems to be a daily surprise to them that the socks on the pile of clothes on their bed needed to be on their feet (cue extra minutes of heading off into the void upstairs), or that they need to locate matching black shoes and might, shock horror, need to move an item next to shoe 1 in order to find shoe 2. Walking to school takes me 2 minutes... they might take take 2, 5, 7 or 10, a massive percentage difference.

I do wonder if I have something like dyspraxia, it's widespread through my family and many of the symptoms sound very familiar. I am about to start investigating for DS who seems to be struggling in similar and related departments. I'm one of the most punctual in my family and didn't learn any systems growing up.

Meeting friends is hardest to plan time for as there is no routine and the times, locations and level of preparation varies. The concept of meeting friends is not stressful so doesn't have the same mental pressure as kids being late for school/ medical appointment. I find setting a time range best if there is no pressing deadline, so I might struggle to be on time for 12pm, but if we say 12-12:30, I'll aim for 12 and still be in the time range agreed. We arrange to meet in places convenient for waiting should either party be late.

Factoring in things like a few minutes for a pay and display here, walking across a carpark there add up. Consistent things, I try to plan for, but get caught out easily by invisible layers. Longer distances are easier to build up a sensible contingency time for than shorter ones.

I had a friend like this. Genuinely said, when I asked her why she was always late, "being on time just isn't important to me". When going out to an event, she'd only start getting ready 3 minutes before we had to leave! She was constantly late meeting me for stuff (before lectures) and got huffy when I went without her.

No longer a friend. In most cases it's just pure selfishness and lazyness.

I know for me it's trying to fit too many tasks in before I leave the house. I can get kids to nursery and work on time because it's a set routine, but when it's a trip out I'm not in a routine.

I know now I have to start getting myself and the kids ready to leave the house an hour before I want to leave and if I stick to that I'm usually ok. I hate coming home to a mess so I'm always trying to tidy up/hang out laundry/wash the dishes and then I get behind the time.

I'm bad at leaving work on time too, always trying to just fit in one more job...

Bushellight I’ve got hangups from childhood too - it’s most definite related. And yep, even when it’s people I like, I sometimes feel like they’re the worst because I have to try so bloody hard to hide how I feel because they know me so well

For those people who constantly try to do too many tasks before leaving the house, how do you think others manage this to stay on time?

I have never met a late person who gets how irritating it is to be on the receiving end of their lateness and thus I find it self absorbed and selfish.

I am surprised however quite how often anxiety has been mentioned on this thread for both the late and the early people. We really are an anxious lot.

Because my DP is a faffer :(

I've always thought it was passive aggression. Of course everyone can have a bad day and small children are difficult to get ready. However if I had a friend who was consistently late to meet me I would view it as a silent fuck you. I build in an extra half hour window in case of traffic emergencies etc and I view the "real" meeting time as 10 minutes earlier so I can use the loo, find a seat, be ready. It's just courtesy. Or lunacy