Help me understand people who are consistently late

[Namechangemum100]

I'm.meeting a friend today, I have deliberately told her the meet time is 30 minutes earlier than it should be as I know for sure she will be late, she always is.

I am one of those people who is always on time, I get ridiculous anxiety if I'm running late and it's just the way I am, but I find myself constantly waiting around for other people, and I just don't understand it.

If you are the type of person who is always late (15 minutes plus and excluding unavoidable traffic etc ), whats your reasoning? I have some friends who will actually say "oh I'll be late to xyz, you know me"...what does this mean?! How?! You know the time of meeting, why is it so hard? Some people will actually let me know they are "running late" at the actual meet time...how did you not forsee this situation 10-15 minutes ago and give a heads up?!

I'm not trying to be goady, if I understand the reasons why I think I might find it less frustrating.

I am a chronically early person. My family just now run with it and plan on entertaining themselves while waiting for others to arrive. I also get to airports at least 2 hours early for my flight. My anxiety is through the roof if I don’t.
I was late to my first school concert and we arrived just before the curtain opened and all my classmates were already on stage. I was devastated.
My husband is a person who starts to get ready around the time we need to leave. It drives me nuts. He has adjusted over the last 28 years.

@passwordfailure
You're correct.
In many cases it's passive aggressive if it's persistent lateness.
I'd never thought of it in exactly that way before.....now I will.
Thanks!

To all these people who are always late because they are SOOO terribly disorganised and frazzled and busy, or don't like to be the first there (waiting around for someone,) because of their anxiety or ASD etc... Are you OK when other people are late for you? Or is it only YOU who is allowed to be late?

Me and my other half have recently binned a couple who were perpetually late, like 30 to 40 minutes. Sometimes an hour! No kids, no grandkids, part time jobs, and no pets or responsibilities. They were just rude and ignorant and entitled, and thought the world revolved round them.

They were always late for hobby groups, for Church, and for anyone they were meeting , including us, and always had to make a dramatic entrance, and a flurry of fantastic and bizarre excuses as to why they were late ...

The final straw came for us when we had arranged to meet them for a meal at 7pm (the table was booked for 7.30pm,) and they were not there by 7.40pm. So we rang them, and HE said they were just watching Eastenders, and would leave after it. It was 8.20pm when they got to the restaurant.

Then they said they had eaten at 6-ish and didn't fancy anything til about 9.30pm! We had not eaten since 1pm and were ravenous, so we ended up having to get some crisps and nuts, (at 8pm) then couldn't enjoy our food at 10pm when we finally got it, because we had eaten at 8!

As I said, we dumped them after that, especially as that was the tip of the iceberg ... They had treated us like shit for a couple of years,and we had tolerated it way too long!

I can't stand people who are late and having children is no excuse. As a family we are never late and I make sure my daughter know the importance of time keeping.

As adults we should be able to mange our time properly. If you're late getting your kids to school then guess what, you need to get up earlier and sort yourself out!

I am a late person. Haven’t read the full thread but a quick suggestion suggests mostly earlies around so feel free to bash me. I was brought up by a late person, time has always just been quite fluid in my eyes. To the person who asked if late people mind other people being late - NO. Well I don’t anyway. I really don’t see it as a big deal. Over time I’ve realised how much lateness upsets some people and how they take it personally, so I do adjust and do my best to be on time as not to make them feel I don’t give a shit. It’s just not about them though, I just have a poor capacity to judge how long things take, I don’t like being early (I’m not sure I can explain that, just feels too keen) and I’m not a very organised person. I’m not evil I promise

A quick scan, not suggestion

Up to 15 mins late I don’t care but people consistently over that (bar good reason) I just can’t deal with anymore; I haven’t got the time to waste waiting round for them.

I’m rushing to drop off but get there on time - my kids are pretty impossible (like lots I guess) but I refuse to do everything for them getting ready as I believe they need to learn the life skills getting out of the house in time for something.

I think being on time (& organised generally) is a life skill and needs to be learnt. If you always fail to factor in the time needed then you need a technique to remember to do it. Saying “it’s just how I am” when you know you are inconveniencing others isn’t good enough because of the effect you have on others.

I’m currently losing a friend because I simply don’t have the time or inclination to deal with their disorganisation anymore. I can’t waste hours I could be doing something else on them and don’t see why I should.

IME if you are late to everything including work, travel, appointments etc then you probably do have a genuine problem and that's fair enough. However I know people who are consistently late with us but have no issues getting to work or catching the plane on holiday. I'm sorry but that is just rude.

I used to work with someone who was persistently late to work (it impacted me because he was training me and there were things I couldn't do if he wasn't there ).

After a bit, I asked him about it. He said "Whatever time I leave for work, it doesn't seem to have any impact on when I arrive. I'm always late". I said "well, surely not whatever time?" He looked surprised and said "I suppose if I left really early I'd be on time " as if this was the first time this had occurred to him.

He:
Genuinely seemed to feel that being late was something that happened TO him, rather than something he was doing
Had an "I'm just the sort of person who is late" self image which he considered unchangeable
Felt that time was an unpredictable thing that he couldn't control - sometimes he was late and sometimes he wasn't, and that was how it was
Didn't really want to be at work

For those people who constantly try to do too many tasks before leaving the house, how do you think others manage this to stay on time?

I personally just don't do them. If I have to be somewhere then I'll get up and get ready and jobs/tasks are what I sacrifice to make sure I am not leaving my friends waiting.

People i guess can't help their ability or lack of,to count backwards or work out what time to leave . But you can surely decide taht you know you trybajd do too much so this time you will just get ready. Do essentials like feed the cat and scrape the food off the plates. But when we are on time it's not because we are super organised or have children who never pre. It's because we make a choice between what's more important. Doing the dishes or our friend. We choose the friend. Dishes can be done later.

@primallass...wow don't get your knickers in a twist, it was simply in response to someone who said their excuse was children and I'm sorry but getting 2 under 2 out of the house is highly unpredictable but totally achievable...I think it's clear from this thread that those of us who like to be on time manage to achieve this regardless of any obstacles like children, and I doubt very much that my time keeping will change as they get older, if it hasn't changed from going from 0 children to 2.
Those who are perpetually late (bar disabilities, ADHD etc), and especially those that blame it on children imo and just entitled.

@gileswithachainsaw...exactly, if it's time to leave and you haven't hung out the washing...then the washing doesn't get hung out. I think it very selfish of people olto expect someone else to wait for them because they just need to do this that or the other. The person left waiting around for half and hour could have got a load of stuff done too, but they don't even give them a second thought...it's very selfish.

I have to commend the previous poster for probabky being the only one who's honest and admitting that actually they jistbdont want to.

There may well be a struggle in people heads in many ways and I sympathise. Bit I do truly believe it ultimately comes down to a choice if what's nore important to sone one and if someone's worth making the effort for.

No one likes coming home to a ton of shit to do. But if I have to chose between a friemd and folding washing well it's the friend. Every time. Other people chose differently and t get are entitld to do so But I think they should at least be honest about it.

It's especially obvious when people say that by the time the got ready to go they were already late. But you were ready presumably? You could leave at that moment? So why do people chose not to leave and take a slow wander to the bus stop or train station to get the next train. Why do they then start doing stuff again that inevitably leads to the whole rush if trying to get out again. That's the choice. They could be late but less late than they end up being

I am on the road for my job doing visits and always late. Let me give you an account of one of my days:

Arrive at 10am for first visit. Volunteer is nervous and needs a lot of input so I schedule an hour and half. Takes nearly 2 hours due the endless amount of questions, rush off to next visit where I'm 15 minutes late. Apologise, rush to do visit to catch up on myself to get to third visit on time. At third visit, the person I'm meeting is late. Wait 15 minutes before they show up, rush that visit to try and catch up with my next visit. Get stuck in traffic as it's school run and I usually try and avoid being on the road at this time and get to the next visit 20 minutes late. Apologise, rush through visit but get side track due to volunteer needing more support and end up getting home late.

This is pretty much my work life and I find it so stressful. I do the best I can do schedule visits so I am on time but a great deal of my time management is dependent on traffic which is beyond my control, as well as how much support my volunteers need. My work load has doubled and I am expected to provide same level of support and yet same output which is incredibly stressful!

Just to add I'm not like this in my personal life, but I have a reputation for being consistently late at work! I am looking for a new job!

I'm an semi frequently 5 minutes late type, so don't know if I count on this thread but here goes anyway.

I read somewhere that people who are consistently late are over optimistic about time and I think that's true for me. I think I can fit that extra task in before I go to work, or that the traffic will be kind to me every day. I also unconsciously think things this that take less than 5 minutes disappear into 0 time at all, and don't account for things like putting on socks and shoes and nipping to the loo. I used to work at a job that I started out taking a 15 minute drive to. Worked out quickly I could do it in 10. That got squeezed to 8, and then of course if even a minor thing happens - roadworks or traffic lights not in my favour - I was late.

I know logically that I should have still left 15 minutes to get to work. But the power of habit of trying to squeeze in one last thing is strong.

There have been people who I have changed behaviour for. If it's a friend who I know will be terribly upset/angry/awkward at me being late for, I won't be late. That's the crux of it really - even if the person you are meeting is unboundaried, if you are clear in your boundaries, it tends to work imo. If they know you will simply go home if they're not there by 15 minutes late, they'll be there, all be it screeching in at 8.14 with a flustered apology.

I'm not often late now, but I'm not often early either. I don't consider it a lack of respect if somebody is a few minutes late. I get frustrated with friends who are always around 30 minutes late, but given that I was never on time (just less late than them) when our friendships began I can't really say anything to them, I just have to build in that time, which feels awkward, as I'm not used to being early, hate waiting around (think of all the minor jobs I could have fitted in!) So have weird arrangements in my head for them like planning to get there 10 minutes late because then I'll only have 20 minutes to kill. Not that I could ever tell them that because the meeting time they were late for would move back by 10 minutes

I have a friend who has had undiagnosed adhd all her life until very recently diagnosed. She was chronically badly late for everything. We'd be on a course with a strict starting time and every damn day we'd miss the train we were supposed to catch.

The way I think about it is that we have one life and finite time. I don't know which of my friends, family etc may be diagnosed with terminal cancer in their 30s or which may be mown down by a car in their 50s or which may live to over 100. I therefore treat everyone's time as precious because it is. I'm pretty sure that almost everyone would rather spend what time they have on this planet with their friends and family, enjoying their hobbies or just relaxing rather than sat on a cold bench somewhere waiting for someone who is late yet again.

I don't care at all about someone being five minutes late, finding it hard to get parked or even just because they didn't quite leave the house on time. It's a few minutes, it's fine, it happens.

What I absolutely loathe is someone turning up an hour late and saying 'I was just finishing the ironing/putting on a wash/stopped off at the shop/watching something on tv'. People who do that really don't give a damn about anyone else but themselves.

What I absolutely loathe is someone turning up an hour late and saying 'I was just finishing the ironing/putting on a wash/stopped off at the shop/watching something on tv'. People who do that really don't give a damn about anyone else but themselves

See theoretically they could schedule meeting later So they would have more time to do this stuff befire they leave. But then they just fill it with something ekse and are late. Hence proving they don't want to or don't care

I used to be late all the time, my mother was always late and would take me to and pick me up from school late, I hated it and swore I'd never be that parent, but then I was.

I can't explain it because I've never intended to be late and in fact being late makes me stressed and anxious.

I read online that people who are always late have poor perception of time, as in the just can't estimate how long things will take. I saw this in myself, I'd give myself what seemed like ample time to be out the house, or to get somewhere, but it never worked out and I always blamed it on bad luck, when really I hadn't accounted for certain things (getting shoes on, last minute toilet visits, parking, getting in the car, locking up the house), all of which took much longer than I clearly ever realised.

It sounds ridiculous but it really is often down to poor judgement of time.

I've largely solved this now because I'm now aware, that I'm not very aware of time and will always need much longer than I imagine.

We cured my mil for quite a while over her lateness. At the point of waiting in for her to visit again and her being 90 minutes late, DH announced to me that we were going out and wouldn't wait for her.
So we went shopping.
Cue a phone call an hour later when she'd turned up at our house wanting to know where we were?
"We assumed you weren't coming, so we're out."
She's starting to slip back into the lateness again, so I think she needs a reminder.

30 mins to go : I've LOADS of time, just have a quick cuppa
20 mins: Better go for a shower. Spots random headline on newspaper from two weeks ago, reads article
10 mins: Really better go for that shower now
5 mins: God, I love this new shower, la, la, la.
1 min: Holy fuck, I'm late! How did that happen?

So familiar pebblespony

All these people saying they get easily distracted etc do you set alarms and reminders on your phone? Do you pack your bag and put it by the front door the night before? Do you check travel times the day before? Because if not then actually you just don't care. I am someone who is on time because I do those sorts of things.