Help me understand people who are consistently late

[Namechangemum100]

I'm.meeting a friend today, I have deliberately told her the meet time is 30 minutes earlier than it should be as I know for sure she will be late, she always is.

I am one of those people who is always on time, I get ridiculous anxiety if I'm running late and it's just the way I am, but I find myself constantly waiting around for other people, and I just don't understand it.

If you are the type of person who is always late (15 minutes plus and excluding unavoidable traffic etc ), whats your reasoning? I have some friends who will actually say "oh I'll be late to xyz, you know me"...what does this mean?! How?! You know the time of meeting, why is it so hard? Some people will actually let me know they are "running late" at the actual meet time...how did you not forsee this situation 10-15 minutes ago and give a heads up?!

I'm not trying to be goady, if I understand the reasons why I think I might find it less frustrating.

DH is frequently late, particulalry to things he doesn't want to do or care about. If it is something he wants to do he makes sure he leaves on time. He's a dick.

You get ridiculous anxiety if you're running late

I sort of get this viewpoint and also don't at the same time. Waiting for someone who hasn't told you they are going to be late can be extremely frustrating and anxiety provoking, everyone has their different anxieties.

I find it quite distressing if someone is late, worrying that they are okay, worrying that they aren't coming (irrationally so, I can't remember a time I've ever been kept waiting) worrying that they are stuck somewhere without phone signal or battery, to the point of feeling sick.

I think that I understand that there people have issues with time management but I also struggle with "getting up and going" in that I can plan on spending 5 minutes drying my hair and suddenly 30 mins has passed. But a call when you are going to be late makes so much sense.

I’m always too early, then worry about being early so sit at home waiting until an acceptable time to leave which will make sure I’m there exactly on time...only it’s never right and I’m always late

Haven’t Rtft but part of it is hearing ‘meet at 10am’ and somehow translating it in my brain as ‘leave At 10am’. I try hard not to be late but I’m definitely in the ‘cutting it fine’ camp and it was a bit of a family trait growing up for everyone to be rushing out the door at the time they were supposed to be there. I’m better at it since having kids as I have to factor in all their stuff too, but I’m still not by any means brilliant. I never want to be early for anything though as waiting around is irritating.

I ALWAYS say if I’m running late though!! I’ve had my fair share of waiting 40 minutes with no message!!

Another one with ADHD. But it's not just the complete lack of any sense of time. Add to that always misplacing things and spending at least 20 minutes each morning searching for whatever vital thing you've lost that morning... it's usually my keys or phone. The times when I have to be on time (I.e. son's appointment) I'm around 30 minutes early and wake up at 4am to achieve it...I can't just be on time :(

It's not that the appt or friend isn't important enough.... I lost count in school /uni of how many exams I was at least 10 minutes late for and how many courseworks I handed in after the deadline.

I'd describe myself as a naturally late person with good coping strategies. I was the most disorganized (dyslexic) teenager on the planet, constantly lost things and forgot things and was never on time. Then went into the kind of job where things happened at short notice so you had to be constantly ready to go. And after a couple of chaotic months where I probably came closer to getting sacked than I ever realised I got to the point where Bag A contained the items I needed for a day at the office, Bag B contained the items I needed for 3 days on site and Bag C contained the items I needed for an extended site trip. I literally had a spare toothbrush etc which lived in Bag B. All I needed to do was pick up the correct bag(s) for the day. My boss during this period also had a kind of complicated formula for how to factor time on journeys which I learned to use.

I think fundamentally though I've always understood that it's wrong to be late, that it's worth trying to be on time and that most people have to work to achieve that (some harder than others). If you don't start from that perspective I can see how it becomes impossible.

YANBU.

I'm another one that gets anxious if I think I'm going to be late and/or inconvenience anyone.

All the explanations on here (DC with SN aside) just read like excuses. Most of us on here have DC, and manage to keep time. Many of also work and have busy lives (doesn't everyone?). And manage to be on time.

People say, 'oh, it's not that I consider my time more important, I'm not disrespecting you, blah, blah'. But you do consider your time more important. You don't care that you're inconveniencing someone and making them wait. That is disrespecting them.

And these sorts of people will always be on time for flights, GP/hospital appointments, so they can do it.

They just don't care enough to do it for regular people.

And - they do manage to eventually get wherever they're meant to be going, despite whatever crippling anxiety they might have that delays them getting out of the house. They just get there 30 mins late - so it can't be that delibitating.

I am definitely a late person. The main reason is I feel anxious about what I will do if I get somewhere early and stand around on my own. But I am also a bit disorganised and end up running about at the last minute. I do recognise that it's unfair on people who are waiting for you though.

...and if you're anxious about waiting somewhere alone - why would you go out of your way to put someone else in that position?

TheDowagerCuntess yyy
Totally agree

I have anxiety about being early. Worried I'll have to hang around by myself, worried I'll have been stood up etc.

I know it's horrid for people to have to wait for me, but I still can't get over my fear of being early.

The texts from my late friends give me total rage!
If we agreed to meet at 12, guaranteed at EXACTLY 12 on the dot I will get a text saying running late just about to leave now. Which means that they have not even left the house and will not be leaving it for some further indeterminate time.
But it's ok in their heads because they texted at exactly the planned time of the meet up.

In my head, it's so fucking annoying that when they eventually do turn up I'm in a bad mood and am not pleased to see them at all. I don't tolerate lateness well, I expect my friends to respect me and that includes respecting my time.

She was due here at 4pm a couple of weeks ago, arrived at 9.30pm.

I'd have told her not to bother coming. That's taking the piss.

I don't understand people who get anxious about being late (even something casual like meeting friends for drinks).
Okay you think it's inconsiderate or inconvenient... but anxious? Really? Why anxious? Does it kill your self esteem? Why do you let your fear do that?

A lot of people come on threads like these so they can spout hate at people who are late. Or seems like they feel it's important to claim some kind of superiority over the regularly late. Which is not really a nice set of character traits. I don't think we have anything in common.

ps: I'm usually on time, but I don't worry if I'm not.

I can be habitually 5 or 10 minutes late to things. I have no excuses. It's mainly because I spend too long doing stuff, especially having a shower. I have even tried showering earlier to prevent this, but still end up getting out of the shower a similar time to what I normally would. Even when I try rushing. It's bizarre!

I don't get it. The being consistently late. I struggle with it.

My DF is definitely of the Lateness is a Moral Failing school of thought. My PiLs not so much. Which is why DF, DSis and I had to lurk in the church porch at my wedding as we'd arrived bang on time - before DHs family

I have no trouble with people who are late at all.

After waiting 10 minutes past the agreed time, I go and do something else as my time apparently is not important to them.

I'm late for everything apart from work - the reason is it's a fixed time. I'm pretty sure I have ADHD (waiting for official assessment) & I need the stress of a deadline to get me going.

It sounds absolutely mad, but it's true. It doesn't matter what time I get up, start to get ready etc, my brain/energy levels will not kick in & I can not get out of the door.

My DH will frequently tell me a different leave time for holidays etc to accommodate this.
(I apologise for being a nuisance)

I think it's priorities. My friend complimented me on always being on time despite having two preschoolers and I pointed out that neither had eaten breakfast and one was still in pyjamas. We were not late though I leave on time regardless of whether I'm ready or not, as a result I am always forgetting things and rarely have everything I need with me!

Ps I tend to make arrangements like 'around' 8.30, text when I leave with a leaving now message - usually a couple of minutes late.

I find catching trains very stressful, fortunately the bus comes every 5 mins & I walk (run!) to work.

Lots of people on here are explaining that they have some manner of poor executive function - dyspraxia, dyscalculia, dyslexia, ADHD etc - and people are still saying 'that's no excuse'. Um, yes it is. Their brain actually works differently. Is this another case of 'I can't see it therefore it's made up' that sufferers of invisible illnesses are familiar with?
Yes, there are some people who clearly don't care, but have a bit of empathy for those who try and fail to be on time.

I guess it would be nice for people who are late to have some empathy with the people who have their time wasted by waiting around for them.