Help me understand people who are consistently late

[Namechangemum100]

I'm.meeting a friend today, I have deliberately told her the meet time is 30 minutes earlier than it should be as I know for sure she will be late, she always is.

I am one of those people who is always on time, I get ridiculous anxiety if I'm running late and it's just the way I am, but I find myself constantly waiting around for other people, and I just don't understand it.

If you are the type of person who is always late (15 minutes plus and excluding unavoidable traffic etc ), whats your reasoning? I have some friends who will actually say "oh I'll be late to xyz, you know me"...what does this mean?! How?! You know the time of meeting, why is it so hard? Some people will actually let me know they are "running late" at the actual meet time...how did you not forsee this situation 10-15 minutes ago and give a heads up?!

I'm not trying to be goady, if I understand the reasons why I think I might find it less frustrating.

That’s quite an intolerant post Lurker! I agree that we aren’t going to agree though so no point repeating ourselves.

Well I don't mind waiting, just take my book or phone so all good!

Well then my posts aren’t aimed at you. My posts are aimed at the people on here who know they are inconveniencing others but have 1000001 excuses to why they are just a late person and can’t possibly do things like arrive a few mins early, get up earlier or get stuff ready the night before. They are the kind of people who just can’t be bothered putting in the basic effort that people who are on time have to put in to be on time.
I don’t think anyone should be required to be tolerant of being consistently disrespected.

When people put zero effort in constantly waste your time accepting it isn’t being tolerant imo it’s being a doormat.

And then I get called odd for getting up 3 hours before I need to leave the house. Not by you PorkFlute.

A lot of people must have remarkably leisurely lives if they can just leave more time for everything.

No, I actually have a very busy life, I just know how to organize my time appropriately.

I allow buffer time in everything but mostly just 5/10 minutes because I know my schedule so well and have so many time management strategies in place I rarely ever need more time than that.

Most meetings, even coffee, aren't arranged in the context of an entirely free day. It's more like "I'm in town on Thurs after a meeting. Can you make coffee?"

And my reply would be "I have an appointment at X at 10:30 and have to be at Y for 12. I should be free if you want to meet at ABC cafe at 11.15 does that work?"

If, on the day my 10.30 is running late I will message from the waiting room at 10:30 to say its running late and ask if they want me to call when I'm done or reschedule. If its that the 10:30 is on time and overruns then the second I get out of the appointment I will text/call to apologise and either say I will arrive X minutes late or ask if they want to reschedule. That way I am giving the person a choice about whether they want to wait around or if they would rather reschedule rather than just assuming they have nothing better to do than sit around waiting. For all you know they could have other errands to do and you saying "I can't make it on time, rain check?" means they can go and do XYZ and free up time later whereas saying nothing or only messaging at the meeting time means their time is wasted.

It is all about communication and letting people know asap and giving them the choice about what to do with their time.

There is also a difference between things out of your control - your doctor running 20 minutes late when they are usually on time - and things entirely in your control - missing your bus because you had to spend 20 minutes looking for the Nectar card you left on top of the fridge.

Melj to be the fair the only people who don't bother communicating if they're late aren't in the post. They're the same ones turning up 90 minutes late because they took a long bath. And no one thinks that's OK apart from them.

If its that the 10:30 is on time and overruns then the second I get out of the appointment I will text/call to apologise and either say I will arrive X minutes late or ask if they want to reschedule. That way I am giving the person a choice about whether they want to wait around or if they would rather reschedule rather than just assuming they have nothing better to do than sit around waiting.

Seems simple, doesn't it. But it's waaaaaaaaay too complicated for your average faffer.

I don't remember any faffee saying they don't communicate with whom they're meeting unless driving and thus he is legally unable too. It just suits you better to assume we're walking in circles saying Nectar Card whilst banging into walls whilst our forgotten friends sits thirsty in a coffee for shop for hours on end.

I fully admit - I'm taking the piss.

But this thread has been littered with people providing tortuous reasons for why they can't be on time, and then other people coming on with strategies - and them all being batted out of the park, because, 'oh, I couldn't possibly do...' or 'how much spare time do you think I have up my sleeve to ever allow for a contingency?!'

It isn't an advice thread, though. If someone had posted saying "Please help me be late less often" and then batted away all suggestions that would be annoying, but this thread was "Please help me understand why people might be late" - not "Please explain your lateness so that everyone else can fix it".

Usually people who have deep seated and chronic problems with something like lateness have already tried most of the obvious suggestions, and the less obvious ones, and it gets a bit tiresome to have to explain over and over again what happened when you tried this and why it didn't work. Especially when the advice wasn't even asked for in the first place. If you have SN it's also pretty frustrating and upsetting to reiterate to yourself (and others) that the obvious and logical solution simply doesn't work even though it should and if you've been undiagnosed for many years to boot, then it brings back all of those years that you've usually spent beating yourself up/being shouted at by bosses, teachers, parents etc because why can't you JUST do the thing and you have absolutely no clue why it doesn't work for you. Logical conclusion - I must just be really useless/stupid/wrong. And this is a reoccurring thought track for basically every area of life, so it's often a raw nerve.

It feels a bit like the dead fish part of this:

hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

It isn't an advice thread, though. If someone had posted saying "Please help me be late less often" and then batted away all suggestions that would be annoying, but this thread was "Please help me understand why people might be late" - not "Please explain your lateness so that everyone else can fix it".

I don't understand posts like these.

Are threads not like conversations - as in the start about one topic and then as it develops other points crop up and different ideas and viewpoints are discussed?

Where do you ever see a thread where the replies stick only to answering the OP?

Would it not be very boring if ratherbthan replying to other posters we all just answered the OP? That would just be odd.

In this case the OP is asking why people are habitually late so following your post all replies should just be from poor time keepers explaining why they are late?

If that's the case then no one needs to explain why they are late and then add in comments like stop being uptight or you're too rigid.

Most issues like these just boil down to communication. If you know that you are always late when you make an appointment or an arrangement explain that although you will try ro be on time in all likelihood you will be late. Then the person you are meeting can decline if they want to. That's fair enough surely? Yees it might be difficult for some people who struggle with time management but don't just make that the other person's problem.

It's like when people state that they say what they think and if you don't like it tough - it's basically blaming the recipient for taking offence when actually it's their fault for not being a bit more diplomatic or considering what theybare about to say or even, say what you want but then accept responsibility, rather than passing the blame onto the offendee.

I agree it's about communication. Unfortunately whenever anyone has tried to communicate on this thread how they feel, how they behave, how other people they interact with respond to this, they've been shot down, laughed at, had their words twisted and ignored all because it doesn't chime with the way they would behave or respond. It's been thoroughly depressing tbh.

Lots of people said they send exactly that kind of message though brown paper and were told it was outrageous. Sleep and I went further and explained how we manage to have perfectly functioning friendships based on mutual understanding and respect but without a premium on punctuality and were told to change our selves and our lives because this could not possibly be true. Despite me saying over and over that people treat me like this too and I genuinely don't mind.

Before I moved to Germany I saw being on time as a life skill, in Germany punctuality and organization is so important culturally that they are actually seen as innate and not needing to be taught per se. I found that very interesting.

I think personality and our biological make up come into it. I have two kids who naturally seem to be what I would call “well regulated”. They naturally enjoy and like order and to anticipate what will happen and plan for it and they have always been this way! My eldest dad who is 17 for example will have a lot of homework and schoolwork and although she is dreading it will immediately make a start and not procrastinate. She will give herself lots of time to do drafts and improve her work because she gives herself enough time. Needless to say she is always very punctual. In fact since she has been driving I have seen her stress levels go down because she is completely in control of how and when she gets somewhere and is never late! She has a stellar reputation as someone who is dependable, reliable and resourceful.

Dd #2 is 15. She is the opposite, she is a night owl, planning and order is tedious to her. She has taught herself skills to get work done on time but it does not come naturally to her. She procrastinates and does a lot of things at the last minute, but surprisingly does better than you would expect in the circumstances. Her personality just means quite honestly she doesn’t care about time unless it affects her directly! On the other hand she is very tall and athletic and rows for two hours every day after school and has to get up very early for regattas on the weekends, so she is not lazy.

My DH is more like dd#1 and my mum and my son and I am more like dad#2! I don’t mean I am uncaring but I have always worked in the same manner tending to pull everything together at the last minute until I taught myself better self-management.

So I do think some people enjoy punctuality and order and derive pleasure from it and therefore it does comes more naturally while others (lIke myself) have to take ourselves in hand and make a concerted effort. I have created lots of routines for myself and I keep a very decluttered house because I know I am naturally not very orderly and need to make sure I create order for my own sanity.

What I don’t think is having a more relaxed personality gives us any excuse whatsoever to be late. If you know it is something you struggle with it is your responsibility to teach yourself how to be on time, no one has to tolerate this or humour you and it’s incredibly bad manners to expect it. You also develop a reputation as someone who is unreliable. So it is within your own grasp. Everyone excuses the odd late arrival but chronic lateness is a personality issue (I am taking out the equation those with SN kids, chronic depression or anything truly as outlier). If people who are always late are never late for anything very important to themselves (!) then clearly there is plenty of room for improvement!

@longestlurkerever

Apologies if I've mixed you up with another poster but I think how you described your situation with your friends was more of a mutually relaxed scenario ie all aware that timings could be fluid but that it meant that you could at least still meet up.

I don't think anyone has a view if both parties are aware and ok. I think any of us irritated by lateness is when it is imposed upon us so maybe very different situations.

I can honestly say that I've never had anyone say that they were very likely to be late, I just learnt it through experience so that in the end I would only meet up either with others so that it didn't matter if they were late, or when I knew that I had plenty of time to spare. Those friendships eventually fizzled out tbh because I found that these particular friends were quite selfish all round.

Sometimes it's explicitly agreed, yes. Sometimes it's more custom and practice - ie we agree 2 and someone will text "am falling behind, is it ok if we say 2:30?" and you kind of know it will be ok because the other person did the same last week, and more often than not you get the response "yes, me too!". Occasionally it isn't received till it's too late but it's no drama playing in the park for a bit or having a quiet coffee, It's all friendly and happy and no one feels hard done by. I honestly thought that was the way most people operated over a casual arrangement with no real time sensitivity and was genuinely taken aback to be flamed.

I guess it's because that's acceptable amongst your friends - a sort of unspoken rule which is great if it works for you all.

As I said, my issue is when it's imposed on me. So the friend and child I used to give a lift to school every day, who was always at least 15 minutes late and meant us making it to school with seconds to spare who then got really arsey when I said I wasn't doing it anymore - after a year. Late every day for a year but it was me who had the problem.

If it doesn't matter to you and your friends - fantastic.

Honestly lurker I'm convinced we're friends in real life.

BrownPaperTeddy it isn't even the advice, it's the way it's delivered. We'll you just DO IT better, we all manage. Or the well you get a hook and you put your key there, it's obvious, why are you too lazy to have not done it kinda comments. We have tried, people are interested in hearing it isn't that simple

I really feel like some people in here could do with a life coach. To actually take them through the steps of how to live like a normal organized adult....?

I am chronically late and always have been. I hate it. I get so anxious about being late, I faff around before I have to leave so much I end up being late. I get very frustrated when I make so much effort to be on time and blend in and people still always comment “wow you’re actually early for once!” Even when I’m the first person there! The comments are usually from smug friends who had very stable upbringings; my siblings and I had a dysfunctional upbringing with an alcoholic bipolar parent who left us to our own devices much of the time. We were never taught to organise our time. Have you ever considered asking your friend if they are ok? If they maybe have something else going on that makes organising their life a bit more difficult? I definitely don’t think my time is more important than anyone else, but I do find chronically early people generally boring (sorry.) They just never seem to have much going on.

Kokeshi123 oh wow Kokeahi, if only I could be NORMAL like you my world would be so much happier 😴😴😴😔😔😔

Yeah, all those abnormal freaks, showing people understanding and compassion because we understand life happens.

I don't need to saw my circle to die into your square peg thanks very much