Help me understand people who are consistently late

[Namechangemum100]

I'm.meeting a friend today, I have deliberately told her the meet time is 30 minutes earlier than it should be as I know for sure she will be late, she always is.

I am one of those people who is always on time, I get ridiculous anxiety if I'm running late and it's just the way I am, but I find myself constantly waiting around for other people, and I just don't understand it.

If you are the type of person who is always late (15 minutes plus and excluding unavoidable traffic etc ), whats your reasoning? I have some friends who will actually say "oh I'll be late to xyz, you know me"...what does this mean?! How?! You know the time of meeting, why is it so hard? Some people will actually let me know they are "running late" at the actual meet time...how did you not forsee this situation 10-15 minutes ago and give a heads up?!

I'm not trying to be goady, if I understand the reasons why I think I might find it less frustrating.

Thanks, I'll update onn my own thread Monday

Sn is only an excuse if you are one of the majority of people who pick and chose what is worth being on time for and try to use other people’s sn as an excuse for your lateness.

A lot of people must have remarkably leisurely lives if they can just leave more time for everything. Most meetings, even coffee, aren't arranged in the context of an entirely free day. It's more like "I'm in town on Thurs after a meeting. Can you make coffee?" And you look at your diary and think you can, but it relies on x,y,z thing not overrunning your time estimate. You either say no because being late would be terrible, or you do your utmost to make it but most of my friends a accept that with the best will in the world it's hard to walk out of a doctor's appointment or meeting with a client for coffee. I think it's right that communication is key. I wouldn't normally make these calculations entirely in my head without telling them the risk of me being late.

Well there is another option.

You just text them or call friend when you are ready and eitger on way or there.
That would mean waiting twenty mins or so for them to get there. Which judging by many posters here they would not be prepared to do

I'm usually late. Its usually because I underestimate times to get organised and get there, mostly because I have a lot of stuff to do before I leave.

OH is chronically early. He will leave well before he has to and prefers to spend half an hour sitting in the car-park waiting. Of course, he doesn't have quite so much to organise, sort out, etc.

And there we go again demonising people with manners who turn up on time. Not only are they making you look bad for being late, extremely lucky that they just naturally get teleported to places on time with no pre planning required but now they obviously have nothing to do if they can manage to actually keep appointments! I suppose it must make you feel better about wasting peoples time if you feel like they have nothing better to do than sit around waiting for you!
And, for the record, the very busy business people I know are excellent timekeepers. It seems that expecting clients to tolerate your lateness isn’t particularly good for business.

That isn't what I said but I don't think it massively matters. Clearly pork and I will never be arranging a coffee date. I do text, as it happens, a lot in more or less exactly the terms you've said. I didn't think that magically absolved me of being late.

Are you sure longestlurker? 12 tomorrow is good for me but feel free to turn up at 3 as I’ve nothing else to do 😂

On the other hand it is just as likely to be their meeting that goes on later than planned. Obviously if I don't feel personally affronted by this there is something wrong with me.

You just text them or call friend when you are ready and eitger on way or there
It still comes down to communication, which is what lurker said. You're still expecting them to wait for you just somewhere else. If I knew my friend hated waiting for me in the coffee shop then that would be a better solution but I know they'd prefer to wait for me in the coffee shop and me too in reverse. As long as you're communicating and you're both OK it's fine.

In reality if Pork asked me for coffee, knowing how much she couldn't cope with me being late, I'd only say yes if I could plan to be there early. So that quick coffee after work etc would be a no. Lurker I would and say I'll text if I'm running late so you can get the coffee in 😜. Idtsee lurker more often and feel more relaxed about seeing her. Pork and I wouldn't meet very often or only with other people etc.

Well in those cases id do that but o my consider it may be anyway.

It would literally be " I happen to finish early that day/I'm not working, if you happen to get out of a meeting early give us about if I'm about I'll join you"

I wouldn't sit at home waiting as such it would just be on days I knew id be around nearby most the day.

Point is though that no one here would do that. Because the reason the majority of them are so late is because the idea of getting there even a minute early and ergo having to possibly wait a second is so out the question that they start jobs they k ow they will never finish on time because that way the friemd is waiting for them not the other day around

other people's sn?

I do have sn and am never late, possibly because of my sn. Was that directed at me?

No it was directed at people who don’t have sn but insist on being given leeway because some people who have sn have trouble with time keeping. Picking and choosing who has nothing better to do than wait around for you isn’t a result of sn.
And as for me not being able to cope with lateness. I cope fine. I am allowed to be frustrated though if I have got up early to meet someone at a time of their choosing and been left waiting for an hour and a half only to have them rock up saying they only got up half an hour ago. And for that to be a regular thing.
The people who turn up on time are not the people causing a problem!

I have loads of stuff to do too. Masses. Some days I literally don't stop. And I do say yes to lots of things too, I'm not sitting at home doing nothing so that I can be on time for my one appointment per day.

But I suppose a major difference is that I see myself as being in control of my time and events, and - barring unforseen circumstances - I use a variety of skills to make sure that my day to day life runs as smoothly as possibly.

Pork I think everyone agreed that it's ridiculous to turn up 90 minutes late because you wanted a lie in and couldn't be arsed to reschedule. No one is saying it should be fine.
But my point remains, and relates to earlier comments about people picking who to be on tuime for. I'd make arrangements on the basis that if someone is going to be offended by my lateness whether it's 5 minutes of 20 minutes then I'd make sure I only met them when I had extra time free before of ID meet them later. I have a friend who doesn't care about lateness per se but won't go in the pub alone so I'd only meet her if I could ensure I was early. So squeezing in a quickie is much less likely

the majority of them are so late is because the idea of getting there even a minute early and ergo having to possibly wait a second is so out the question that they start jobs they k ow they will never finish I think there's been one or two posters who said they hate being early so never are.

And as for posters saying they have friends don’t who mind. Of course they mind! No-one wants to be repeatedly sitting around waiting for someone who will arrive at some indeterminate time. What you mean is that some people don’t give you any grief by calling you out on it so as it doesn’t affect you you are happy to keep taking the piss out of those friends while making the effort for the ones who affect you by challenging you on your lateness.

No me and lurker and bff's now, waiting alone in coffee shops for ever more.

The don't mind is because none of us turn up 90 minutes later after asking for an early meet up because we wanted a lie in. My friends don't mind isn't the same as embrace, enjoy, rejoice. They don't mind if I'm 15 minutes late but keep them updated because they know I try to be on time and will be equally understanding if they're ever late.

Perhaps "politely tolerate but still see us" is a better descriptor but no, they don't all hate me but stay my friend as a punishment to themselves despite thinking I'm a selfish bitch who doesn't care about them.

The fact Lurker, at least, will be on time for people who make a fuss but late for those who don’t just shows that it is pure selfishness and not timekeeping trouble that is the issue. So long as lateness isn’t a problem FOR HER it doesn’t matter if it causes issues for anyone else. People will only politely tolerate for so long ime. Great that you would be tolerant if your friend was ever late but if they never or nearly never are and you always are you will eventually run out of good will on their part.

it drives me mad its very rude.

Haha, have a look at the thread directly below this one. Currently titled “I’m late!!”

Lurker said same as I did earlier, she wouldn't make plans with someone who wouldn't be OK with her being late but she would with someone who didn't mind of time was going to be tight.

And my friends and I have been friends 25 years. If they were going to dump me for being late and scatty I suspect it would have happened before now.

I'm a bit lazy do take too long to get going and then run out of time.

Well good luck to you and lurker on that coffee. I suspect Starbucks will be closed before either of you arrive though. Imagine how late you’d have to be to make sure you weren’t left waiting for someone who else who is always late!

I'm not sure if you're deliberately misunderstanding or not Pork but it's getting a bit dull now. I hope others on the thread have found the discussion helpful. I know my friends don't mind because they do the same to me. In fact they did it first. For exactly the same reasons others on this thread have understood - that they don't see waiting around for 20 mins to see a friend you might otherwise not see as such a great hardship as you do. It doesn't bother everyone equally, or even the same people in all circumstances. No one thinks that 90 mins of doing just as you please is acceptable. No one thinks that you shouldn't communicate, should have double standards, should start washing the car when you are already supposed to be on your way or any of the things you've accused me of.