Help me understand people who are consistently late

[Namechangemum100]

I'm.meeting a friend today, I have deliberately told her the meet time is 30 minutes earlier than it should be as I know for sure she will be late, she always is.

I am one of those people who is always on time, I get ridiculous anxiety if I'm running late and it's just the way I am, but I find myself constantly waiting around for other people, and I just don't understand it.

If you are the type of person who is always late (15 minutes plus and excluding unavoidable traffic etc ), whats your reasoning? I have some friends who will actually say "oh I'll be late to xyz, you know me"...what does this mean?! How?! You know the time of meeting, why is it so hard? Some people will actually let me know they are "running late" at the actual meet time...how did you not forsee this situation 10-15 minutes ago and give a heads up?!

I'm not trying to be goady, if I understand the reasons why I think I might find it less frustrating.

Kokeshi
Fit

Too pissed off to type straight

@hazandduck...seriously...you think those of us who are early or on time are boring and have had uneventful lives, whilst those that are late can be excused because their upbringings were chaotic and therefore their adult behaviour is not their own responsibility?

I am always on time and my childhood was an absolute disaster, huge family bereavement at 11, unstable narcissistic mother, toxic family relationships, it's caused many issues in my adult life but those are mine to work through and on the most part with hard work my upbringing doesn't have to impact my adult life. Especially if it were something as simple as faffing and lateness. This is the biggest issue on this thread, the excuses and reasoning. You are late because you faff, you have admitted that, so why not just stop there, why does everybody have to have some deep unavoidable excuse for their faffing rather than just "I'm late because I faff, I could be on time if I tried not to and learnt not to be, but I can't/won't/don't".

Sorry if that seems harsh, your post seemed somewhat reasonable until you labelled early or on timers as "boring" and made it apparent that it was just yet another excuse rather than a reason.

Sorry if "normal" touched a nerve. I'm not very normal either. I have synesthesia and the very poor sense of direction which tends to be associated with this.

If anyone has a cast-iron excuse for lateness it should be me (I also live in a place that has a very difficult address system making it harder to find places), but I'm not often late for things. I know I struggle with finding places so if I am going somewhere that I am not super familiar with, I print out a map and write the address on the top (in case I have to give up and get a taxi), make sure my wallet has enough money in it for a taxi should the worst happen, put a book in my bag so I can leave a bit of contingency time and not get bored if I arrive early, make sure my phone is always charged up, and keep all these things in my bag by the door. If I'm heading out first thing tomorrow I print out the map and pack the bag the evening before.

I do occasionally have a disaster and arrive late due to not being able to find places, but because it's only occasional it doesn't make people angry with me--they understand that I have difficulties and do my best to create workaround strategies.

"Habit is the most powerful thing in the world." None of the above is something that came "naturally" to me, but forcing myself to do it meant that it became automatic over time.

@Hazandduck I think you'll find it's the opposite!

People who are on time chronically like myself are like it because we have packed schedules and need to be.

If I'm late for one thing, it would make everything else late.

I find it's the ones with no activity, focus or drive for life and making the most of their time that are late and the problem.

It's a developmental thing I think - an inability to plan and think ahead about consequences of actions and put yourself in someone else's shoes. I'm afraid I think having kids is an excuse since often the person waiting has the exact same number of kids as the one who's late and having kids simply enhances a ore-existing condition.

My friends who are always late have a tendency towards anxiety, to trying to fit too many many things in, to bring easily distracted. My friends who are on time tend towards having more drive, organisation skills and ability to plan ahead and they have different standards about impact on others. And chaotic late people tend to have kids with the same habits.

I am on time /early person and so are my kids. I tend towards an impatience to get things done. It used to really annoy me wasting my time waiting but I'm more nonchalant now and just don't set off as early as to meet the constantly late friends. I also put less store by an arrangement to meet them as they are more likely to cancel or re-arrange. But underneath I still think it comes across as rude and thoughtless to keep other people waiting or let them down. I. A work context it's unprofessional and disrespectful.

I think in the workplace there is something a culture that if you are on time for a meeting (never mind early!!!) you don't have enough work to do, so everyone arrives late.

I wonder if that also transfers into personal life - ie you feel that if you are on time, it looks like you don't have enough going on in your life?

sometimes not something

Yes "normal" presses a button. So many people spend so much of their lives battling because they're expected to act *normal", oh if you just tried harder you'd be normal like every one else.

I have a child who I'm often told seems just "like" a normal child

The word can go and shove itself up its own backside.

And I think you'll find that we have "normal" functioning lives ta. I don't get to spend my dates in my pj's wandering around looking for my purse

It’s just not on. It’s incredibly inconsiderate. Save for a last minute emergency, unforeseen traffic and transport problems , no one should be late. Even if that’s they way you really are, then just leave that half an hour or so earlier and don’t waste some body else’s time. It’s friggin rude. There is no excuse.

People get very irate with people saying we find the way you do things uncomfortable. I don't think it's wrong, and I'll bend myself to fit that mould if I need to, but I also don't think it's inherently superior and I'm not going to start telling my friends they have to shape up because some people on the internet find the way we operate sloppy. Even the comments about work are a bit silly because work is full of grown ups too. If my manager is late for our catch up every now and again I don't seethe that I'm clearly less important than the other parts of her day. If every week she turns up to it but a few mins in a flap looking harassed I don't think "god, she's clearly hit a chaotic life and doesn't function like a grown up, if she cared enough about keeping me waiting she'd be here". If she totally fails to acknowledge we even had a slot scheduled and swans about doing her make up for her next meeting I might start to feel undervalued. I'm always in a bit of a flap, yes. I forget papers , arrive frazzled and unkempt, look angsty because people are still saying "can I just have a minute of your time...." when it's eating into my contingency for the nursery run. But whenever I have a development chat with anyone I've worked with this I always say organisation skills is what I'm working on and they always shrug and say i'm doing great, give me a great report and something totally different to work on. My last manager actually said that everyone wants me in their team because I bring a life and energy to the department and get things done. I thought that was lovely, and am pleased to work somewhere that values different things people bring to the table. That doesn't mean I've given up on ever being more organised, and I totally thought of sleeping this morning when I was running round looking for the keys I'd taken off the hook to open the door minutes before. They were on the washing machine. It took me 5 mins of panic to find them though.

Some of you have hinted that being busy seems to correlate with being on time, rather than being busy causing lateness because you have too many tasks.

I think there is definitely something in this. Not everyone runs their life to a schedule. People who have to run their lives to a schedule become very good at it. And will manage to get to most things on time, or maybe mostly on time.
People who generally have very simple schedules sometimes haven't built up the skill to manage one effectively.
I have had parts of my life when I had calendars showing meetings and activities all through the day. During these periods, I became good at getting to appointments.
During other periods, I had to work on projects requiring great focus and attention to detail, but very few time scheduling time constraints. In these periods, I had great difficulty coping with appointments.
In general, I find it hard work to cope with a schedule but easier when my work life requires and supports working to a schedule. I find it almost impossible when my work life requires long periods of concentration.

Longestlurker - we are talking about people who persistently, every time - every single time, late, keeping people waiting unnecessarily. It’s not about those people who are occasionally late, for what ever reason, because that is life. We are talking about individuals who do it every single time. And that is bad. And that is disrespectful. I have a friend who 10 minuets before leaving some where will start washing or cleaning or what ever, having had all the half day before that, free to do that, but she sat there on the phone doing nothing during that time. And then is mega late for a meet up, or even when I get invited to her home for lunch. If she says 1pm, expect to eat at least around 3pm. It’s just not on. And then of course when I do say something she gets upset, tells me I am being judgemental etc. Or on a quiet night out, book a babysitter until say 11pm, she is late by 2 hours or so, there’s me hanging about, by the time we get to the pub it’s nearly home time. What is that all about? Now I just say no to any meet ups. I lose too much of my time like this.

Some of you are talking about that showpony. Some people have taken this a zillion steps further and have harangued sleep and me mercilessly for not sorting our shit out.

Showpony2 but as Lurker and I have continually said, our friends are often late and we don't mind so this attitude of everyone hates you for it isn't true. There's a difference between pure disregard and just not getting somewhere on time

Lurker mine are in the shoe box that someone in here derided as not being as good as my handbag. You need a shoe box 😂😂

Re business, I can categorically state that at the point when I was working two jobs and two volunteer jobs weekends so was in work 9-5 then 6-9 3 days a week 9-5 two days a week then working all weekend Fri night - Sun lunch I was STILL disorganised and late. It isn't me being a lazy SAHM that gives me the luxury of not being arsed to be in time. Your strategies simply don't work enough for my brain.
The difference was I'd be late for first job, make time up at lunch, go from job 1 to job 2 grabbing food I between so Illy possibly error would be a late bus and actually the journey was shorter than the gap so usually fine. Friday's I'd get picked up and taken to my volunteer job and I'd be driven home Sunday. If it was vol job 2 then I'd be away for longer but would do nothing else on travel days except have lots of time for coffee in the journey or get picked up. I rarely saw people outside of that structure so no bloody life to be late for.

I'm always late. I'm unorganised and just generally rush around wishing i had found things the night before. I'm trying to change though as I don't want my children to be like me.

have a friend who 10 minuets before leaving some where will start washing or cleaning or what ever, having had all the half day before that, free to do that
And not a single person on here has said that's OK, not even me and lurker. We ALL agree that being late because you're rearranging your knicker drawer when you should be in the car is rude. The person who couldn't get organised to go to the funeral because she went shopping is rude and a cow. The cousin who is 90 minutes late because she wanted a lie in is rude. The mother who says she'll pop in at 11 or 1 or 5 or 9 so don't you go out, actually it's too late I'll come tomorrow is rude. Your friend leaving you I na pub for 2 hours is rude. Please find me ANY WHERE anyone digress with that?

But the comments about how we need life coaches so we can function like normal people, or how all our friends secretly hate us are utterly ridiculous.

It's like trying to explain to my DH how I lost my bag on the bus again. He doesn't understand because his brain goes "stand up, grab bag, walk". Mine goes "stand up, did I pay that bill, what's the kid eating, bag, I think I had a bag, gonna miss the bus stop, ooh pretty butterfly" then I get off and remember the sodding bag.
It isn't that I'm busier or full of women's work it's than my brain isn't linear. It goes off on a wander and what I consciously try to control it, inevitably it doesn't work and Lurkers keys end up on the washing machine and my bus ends up in the lost property

Reasons I will probably be late for something:
3 year old decides she doesn't want to wear clothes/shoes/coat.
3 year old doesn't want her hair done.
3 year old refuses to be put in car seat.
3 year old insists on walking and jumping in every puddle/touching every leave/picking up every stone on the way to wherever we're going.
3 year old fell over.
3 year old says they need a wee after being strapped into their car seat after a 10 minute argument with them before leaving the house pleading with them to go to the toilet.
3 year old decides they need a poo as we're leaving then precedes to sit on the toilet for 30 mins.
7 year old disappears upstairs to find something they want to take with them and doesn't come back down until I go to find her playing in her room.
7 year old can't find their shoes/coat/bag that they left lying at their backside the night before.
7 year old mucks about and takes 40 mins to get dressed then another 20 mins to eat breakfast.
Honestly this list is practically endless. I was always on time before i had kids!

username you'll just get told to get them up earlier, leave the house earlier and that your raising them to be late awful adults like me and lurker

Username I think maybe you are me. We even have the same aged dds.

Haha! But then the earlier they get up the longer that fight is! My oldest is never late for school or clubs and neither is my youngest but we do only make it by the skin of our teeth sometimes! I'm I was the same as a child but I was never late as an adult until I had kids!

@longestlurkerever spooky! Where are you? I'm central Scotland.

Ah maybe we are distant cousins then. I'm in London. You shouldn't have mentioned being on time for school and clubs either because now you'll be told that you can be on time if you really want to and you just need to build in way more contingency into every occasion. Which is fair comment up to a point but you point out that there are sometimes drawbacks to this approach and alternative ways of accommodating friends in exactly the same boat and you get lots of people writing in capitals. I'd back out now while you still can!

@longeatlurkerever maybe you're the Londoner me and I'm the Scottish you!
Being on time for school and clubs will involve a lot of stress on my part usually whereas I know my friends will wait the 5 extra minutes it takes me to calmly get my children out the door. We actually start getting ready to leave about 20 minutes before we actually have to leave the house. That in itself is a pain. Who wants to get ready to leave for 20 minutes? That ensures that mostly we are on time but the situations on my list still arrise and if they take more than 20 minutes then we'll be late!