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Original poster

Help me understand people who are consistently late

962 replies

Namechangemum100 · 14/09/2018 12:34

I'm.meeting a friend today, I have deliberately told her the meet time is 30 minutes earlier than it should be as I know for sure she will be late, she always is.

I am one of those people who is always on time, I get ridiculous anxiety if I'm running late and it's just the way I am, but I find myself constantly waiting around for other people, and I just don't understand it.

If you are the type of person who is always late (15 minutes plus and excluding unavoidable traffic etc ), whats your reasoning? I have some friends who will actually say "oh I'll be late to xyz, you know me"...what does this mean?! How?! You know the time of meeting, why is it so hard? Some people will actually let me know they are "running late" at the actual meet time...how did you not forsee this situation 10-15 minutes ago and give a heads up?!

I'm not trying to be goady, if I understand the reasons why I think I might find it less frustrating.

OP posts:
Dairymilkmuncher · 19/09/2018 09:59

Urgh I haven't read it all but I've read a lot and a lot of you need to get off your high horse about being on time all the time.

I was a late person most my life, my mum was and then I was because of her and then just because of me. Not because what I was doing wasn't important to me though it was meeting friends, flights, work and doctors appointments that would take me a walk a bus journey and another walk to get to and then I'd find out I had missed my slot. That wasn't because I didn't think the doctors time wasn't important Hmm the person it harmed the most was me!!!

Now I'm an on time person it would never cross my mind that my friend running late didn't care about me I find that an odd conclusion to come to, it's probably because they slept in or their bus was late or their kid has been giving them a hard time rather than they don't care about me. If you think like that maybe you've got some anxiety or insecurities....

For those laties on the thread the things that changed for me is:

Life is organised now, have a wall planner AND alerts/reminders on my phone I don't ever presume I'll remember something

I wear a watch, seems simple made a huge difference recently to knowing the time! And stops me looking at the phone too much

My laundry is up to date and I don't have to search the house for something clean and matching

I'm not optimistic about my time, if I have 15 minutes extra to kill before I need to leave I start getting in the car anyways if I have extra time when I arrive I sit in my parked car and just relax it's brilliant. OLD DAIRY would have used that 15 to hang up washing or check emails.

I don't smoke anymore! Saves so much time

Driving instead of bussing/relying on lifts

Not being scared of being far too early but that's because I have the car, I like sitting in the car bubble. Also all the things that used to go wrong with breakfast explosions, stains on what I was going to wear, last minute nappy explosions still happen so I'm never actually far too early in real life.

I suppose I'm still a really late person but I'm aiming for a lot earlier now....

longestlurkerever · 19/09/2018 10:06

I can't really be arsed with this any more. I've said there needs to be a balance between consideration and tolerance. You are convinced your way is the only right way of looking at things. No I don't think everyone should play music late at night but my worst ever neighbour was one who was convinced that everyday walking around was deliberately done to annoy her. I think I'd find you hard work irl and we wouldn't get on. But I do have some quite staggeringly rigid friends and I do put myself out to accommodate their preferences, even if it inconveniences me, and in return they sometimes put up with me locking myself out or getting lost en route to the pub and arriving late because I haven't left myself enough contingency. We are celebrating 20 years of friendship on Friday and overall we enrich each other's lives.

PorkFlute · 19/09/2018 10:14

I agree - we wouldn’t get on. Turning up at a time mutually arranged isn’t ‘putting yourself out’ or rigid. It’s basic courtesy and manners.

longestlurkerever · 19/09/2018 10:17

That wasn't what I was referring to with putting myself out or staggeringly rigid.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/09/2018 10:18

Even if I solve my issues, I'd rather be friends with someone who accepts my flaws and is flawed than someone who thinks everything is about them.
If I walked into the coffee shop 20 minutes late l, apologetic and harassed having run from the bus having lost my keys at home and then spilling coffee down my top and my friend sat there stony faced and td me if I really loved her I would have been on time I'd go home.

I don't expect them to stay longer than we agreed, I don't expect them to be happy I'm late, I don't expect me or them to find it "cute" but I do expect them to be understanding.

If you think your friend is late because she doesn't care, get a new one

EthelThePiratesDaughter · 19/09/2018 10:19

I was a late person most my life, my mum was and then I was because of her and then just because of me.

Ooh, we have a contender for "shittest excuse we've heard in this thread", amid some strong competition.

doctors appointments that would take me a walk a bus journey and another walk to get to and then I'd find out I had missed my slot. That wasn't because I didn't think the doctors time wasn't important hmm the person it harmed the most was me!!!

Err, no. You wasted your own time and the doctor's time, you potentially harmed someone else who needed an appointment and couldn't get one, and you harmed the NHS and by extension the taxpayer by wasting valuable time and resources.

But glad to hear you're making an effort 5o change your ways.

TheNavigator · 19/09/2018 10:24

If you think your friend is late because she doesn't care, get a new one

Excellent advice. Now can you tell us how we apply this to our inconsiderate family members?

SleepingStandingUp · 19/09/2018 10:25

Perhaps you should tell them they clearly don't love you and see what that goes

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 19/09/2018 10:33

But I do have some quite staggeringly rigid friends and I do put myself out to accommodate their preferences, even if it inconveniences me

FFS, having a vague expectation that someone is going to turn up at a pre agreed time and place is not being ‘staggeringly rigid’ it’s just basic courtesy and manners. If you really feel that you are being ‘inconvenienced’ and being ‘put out’ because meeting that person on time requires you getting your shit together in a timely fashion then says way more about you then the friend who can somehow make it out their house without some toddler-esque clown show that seems involve zero plannning while simultaneously losing and forgetting everything.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/09/2018 10:36

Read the posts. Lurker already said when she said staggeringly rigid she didn't mean their expectation that she'd be on time.

MissLingoss · 19/09/2018 10:41

I hate it but no matter what measures I put in place to make sure I am on time, I am late about 80% of the time.I leave things to the last minute constantly.

Have you tried not leaving things to the last minute?

I do expect them to be understanding.

Understanding of what, though? That you can't manage such a basic day-to-day task as keeping track of your keys?

TheNavigator · 19/09/2018 10:43

Perhaps you should tell them they clearly don't love you and see what that goes

Well, I do think actions speak louder than words and regular consideration and kindness is an expression of love - so I do think family members who can't be arsed to be on time love themselves more than me. Which hurts deeply, but you can't force people to love you - some people just aren't capable of that strength of feeling for anyone more than themselves.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/09/2018 10:43

Understanding of what, though? That you can't manage such a basic day-to-day task as keeping track of your keys?
Yes actually

DontCallMeCharlotte · 19/09/2018 10:56

There are a lot of self-confessed faffers.

Perhaps they need to act on their self-awareness. If they know this about themselves, then they need to accept that they can only do one thing at a time - i.e. get ready to go out - and concentrate on that.

And the handbag thing. If you are the type to lose stuff and use different bags/no bags etc. then you are exactly the type of person who needs to (generally) stick to one handbag.

Learn stuff like this about yourself and act on it. If not for your mate who's been twiddling her thumbs at Costa for half an hour, but to make your own life easier and less panicky.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 19/09/2018 11:05

Understanding of what, though? That you can't manage such a basic day-to-day task as keeping track of your keys?

Yes actually

Wow

SleepingStandingUp · 19/09/2018 11:16

Yes actually

Wow

I know right, what a bitch. Imagine expecting someone who chose to be your friend to accept that you're not perfect and that whilst you do try, some habits are harder to break than others. Imagine being such a bitch that you think they've had decades to decide you weren't worth the effort and thus stop being your friend but if they don't then they should accept you faults and all. It's almost like they chose to be in the friendship of their own free will!!

SleepingStandingUp · 19/09/2018 11:19

I wouldn't be friends with someone if the only way we could be friends was if thry changed numerous things about them. I'd just NOT be their friend.

I don't expect them to not mind, ie not moan or take the pee. I wouldn't expect them to not get cross if I missed something important (although I never have) or if I called an hour late laughing to say I'd just got up and needed to ow dry my hair before I could leave because that clearly is just indifference.

But they KNOW I try to be on time, not lose anything in the bus, not get lost, have texted them through the journey with an eta and have generally tried to not be an arse. That I put up with them when they're moany or self absorbed or messy or indecisive or rigid and still love them. Why should I not expect IN A VOLUNTARY FRIENDSHIP the same back?

PhilomenaButterfly · 19/09/2018 11:22

I've noticed that the OP hasn't apologised for not reading my posts and assuming that because I'm sticking up for people on this thread who do have hidden disabilities and are still having a hard time, I'm one of the habitually late people.

PhilomenaButterfly · 19/09/2018 11:24

*still getting a hard time.

puzzledlady · 19/09/2018 11:30

I don’t know - someone who is chronically late (without the anxiety/children etc) to me tells me they don’t respect me or my time. I’m late sometimes but it’s usually 5 minutes etc. A few times trains are delayed etc. I think those are a one off.

dailyshite · 19/09/2018 11:33

I haven't RTFT and I'm quite pleased given the snotty attitudes on this page alone.

People who extrapolate so much about someone being consistently late really are incredibly self obsessed. Someone being late doesn't mean that they don't respect you, love you or whatever. It literally has nothing to do with you although obviously it can be frustrating. However, if you really are as considerate of others as you profess to be, how about trying to understand rather than judging them? My DSD is always about 30-40 minutes late, so I factor this in when we meet. Our friends are always on the dot of being on time, so I factor this in when we meet. It's not rocket science!

I used to be late a lot because I tried to fit too much in, I had / have lots of different roles in work and in life and I tried to fulfil them all as if they were the priority and it doesn't work (always). I'm also very optimistic, so tend to underestimate the time it takes to do something, travel in particular and this makes me late sometimes.

I'm better than I used to be but it took a lot of personal development (and age) to realise that I can't do everything but I'm not perfect.

However, I'm a hell of a lot more productive than the people I know who are hung up about being on time all the time. I can do twice as much as them because I make the effort to fit more stuff in (usually to help out other people), but according to the small world of some people, this makes me selfish.

longestlurkerever · 19/09/2018 11:46

That's exactly what I was trying to say Dailyshite. I actually lied earlier because I was 5 mins late for woodcraft folk yesterday but that's because I had booked haircuts for the girls in at a different place from usual after school and they did it differently and took longer than expected. I also took a detour to allow my youngest to collect a medal from the library reading challenge because I saw the poster and knew it'd mean a lot to her. I swung home on the way because someone asked if they could borrow some camping gear and I said yes, I'll go and get it and bring it to woodcraft folk. I also managed to buy dinner and put it in the oven to be ready for our return. I could have said no to every one of those tasks and made dinner when I got back and been on time, but, well, my youngest is happy, the kids' hair is cut, my friends have camping gear, we ate a proper dinner. I think I did ok.

BrownPaperTeddy · 19/09/2018 11:51

How can people moaning about lateness be self obsessed?

Surely it's the person that is late who is self obsessed?

What would you do if when you turned up late your friend had just gone home? Or do you assume that everyone will simply wait until you do turn up?

PhilomenaButterfly · 19/09/2018 11:53

I think you did great longest! 😆 I'm sorry if that sounds really patronising. Autism. Blush

gimeallthecake · 19/09/2018 11:57

I live in Australia, I'm so late for everything I tell people I'm still running on Irish time which is12 hours behind lol

Don't always plan on being late but having 3 small kids and 2 under 2
Shite happens

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