Help me understand people who are consistently late

[Namechangemum100]

I'm.meeting a friend today, I have deliberately told her the meet time is 30 minutes earlier than it should be as I know for sure she will be late, she always is.

I am one of those people who is always on time, I get ridiculous anxiety if I'm running late and it's just the way I am, but I find myself constantly waiting around for other people, and I just don't understand it.

If you are the type of person who is always late (15 minutes plus and excluding unavoidable traffic etc ), whats your reasoning? I have some friends who will actually say "oh I'll be late to xyz, you know me"...what does this mean?! How?! You know the time of meeting, why is it so hard? Some people will actually let me know they are "running late" at the actual meet time...how did you not forsee this situation 10-15 minutes ago and give a heads up?!

I'm not trying to be goady, if I understand the reasons why I think I might find it less frustrating.

Card goes in pocket as it's quicker.

It’s not really quicker in the long run though.

Sure, it takes a few extra seconds to put the card into the purse rather than a pocket. But that’s far outweighed by the time spent later on searching all over the house and car for a card that’s not where it’s meant to be.

DH has form for this sort of card in pocket thing. He’s wasted tons of time looking for cards. Once he lost a credit card for 6 months because it had fallen out of his pocket and got wedged down the side of the car seat. (He’d cancelled the card long before he found it)

Surely this whole thread is about people keeping friends that annoy them?

Just don’t be friends with people who annoy you to this extent? Then prompt people can stay with prompt people and late people are happy to be friends with late people & other people willing to remain friends despite their time keeping flaws?

I’m not sure at some of the responses which seem to genuinely imply two faced friendship occurs. If you hate that person for being late so much why are you even friends with them?
If someone said to my face they think I don’t care enough about them because of my poor timekeeping I’d at least have a chance to discuss it instead of them bitching behind my back. It’s not really occurred to me it’s a big deal otherwise. I don’t think I’m adorable. I think I’m late and my friends get over it. Otherwise stop being friends with me surely? That’s fair and that’s the other persons choice. I don’t force my friends to stay friends with me and so far I haven’t lost any friends as a result. Been laughed at a few times maybe...

My family were always very early, was shocked at how late dh's family always was but now I have four kids it's touch and go as to whether I'll get places on time, something always seems to happen when we're going to be on time and when I try to time things to give extra time IN CASE anything goes wrong I curse us even more!! Well done to all who get places on time-I do miss being early and hate that it's now a running joke in my own family so try to give us a break!! Also someone said obviously someone who's late doesn't care-it's honestly not that, we try honestly!!!

Card goes in pocket as it's quicker.

It’s not really quicker in the long run though.

No, it's not - and if part of the reason you're putting it there is, say, because the random stranger behind you is tutting, and you don't want to hold them up - well, why do you care so much about their precious time, but not your actual friends?

blueviolets - I really don't think bad time-keeping is deal-breaker territory when it comes to a friendship.

It's just really, repeatedly annoying.

And as for kindly informing our friends of their flaws so that they can Do Better in future - well, who wants to open that can of worms?

I'm consistently late for just about everything and I hate it. I seem to find it almost impossible to accurately estimate how long things take and how much time has passed. Most annoying of all is that I faff and it drives me bonkers. Having a system helps - so I always keep my keys, umbrella, scarves, sunglasses etc etc in the same place. Still means I often have to go back to get something I've forgotten, often twice. I've missed the beginning of many plays and concerts I was eager to see &/or paid a lot of money for. It's really shit.

Sometimes I surprise myself by being ready early, but then overestimate how much extra time I have and end up late as usual.

The only thing I am always early for is getting to an airport... But once in the departure lounge I lose track of time and almost always end up running to the gate for last call.

In a large part it's cognitive, but several years ago I made a conscious decision to not let myself get stressed or anxious about it. Sometimes I still do, obviously, but if punctuality is really important to a person then obviously they are not going to want me as a friend - and that's fine!

I completely understand why some people believe that it's a choice and find it disrespectful. They find it relatively simple and can't imagine how some people don't.

because you have it back off the cashier, the kid is moaning for something he can't have, someone is tutting behind you so you move. Card goes in pocket as it's quicker. Then you mean to move it but purse is bottom of bag under other crap. So you put it on the side when you wash those trousers

No.

That is not what you do, at all, if you are a sensible person.

What you do is you take an extra 2.3 seconds replacing your card in your wallet rather than shoving it in your pocket. And you ignore the person behind you and the whinging kid--they can wait an extra 2.3 seconds while you store your important item in a single secure place where you will know exactly where it is.

This thread is reminding me why I find those threads about "we want more pockets in women's clothes!!!" so mystifying. Pockets just create disorganization, with things being forgotten about, falling out, getting sat on/squashed/melted, put through the washing machine.

Just have a bag and keep everything in there.

And if a person is so disorganized that they can't cope with frequent handbag changes, get one practical decent sized handbag in a neutral color with a strap that goes across your body, so it can be used in 97% of situations. You don't need to match your bag to your shoes or whatever.

People who are always late will always have am excuse. It doesn't matter if people are giving them helpful tips to stop this. They'll either not take you on or they will use a few of these tips but then think they have more time to faff. I've found with most people that are always late they simply faff a lot. They'll be messing about on their phone, taking 30 minutes to do a 20 minutes task as they 'think' they have the time. Those that say even if they get up earlier they're late....that's because in your head you think, well, I've more time so I don't need to hurry. You DO need to hurry as youre always late!!

And yes, everyone is late sometimes, it can't always be helped. But I don't believe these excuses are happening to people every...single...time. No way. My one year old has a habit of pooping right before we leave the house. I now actually make time for this, if he doesn't then I'm about ten minutes early, fab. Some people on here think having children is an excuse for being late, its not, its just another case of not being organised.

Couldn't agree more that it's pretty much all down to the inordinate amount of faffing that some people seem to love to indulge in.

All these painful, protracted excuses pretty much all boil down to simple faffing.

It must be such an unsatisfying way to live.

Honestly you've lost me now. I totally agree that people who are having a shower when they should be at the café are inconsiderate twats. But when you get to the point of telling people who are a bit flappy when they leave the house that they should keep their house tidier, be less distracted, take on fewer commitments, be more risk averse and spend their evenings planning rather than destressing from the previous day I think you've tipped over into intolerant and self absorbed. Not everyone is like you. If you can't accept someone who is putting in a decent effort and accept a bit of imperfection then just move on and find someone more on your wavelength.

A one off instance of being late is understandable.

The people who are always late are just rude. Their time is clearly more important than mine. If you are always late then you know that so why not leave earlier, leave more time to get ready or arrange to meet later?

Surely you own it and not just expect others to waste their time waiting for you?

All these painful, protracted excuses pretty much all boil down to simple faffing

Yes I think the world is made up of faffers and non-faffers (and I guess we all faff at times, but in different contexts) - I am firmly of the opinion that 50% of traffic jams are caused by faffing, for example.

I do have sympathy with anxiety - I've got out of the door and then had a horrible thought that I've left the iron on, or the back door unlocked, and absolutely had to go back to check, but as someone said above, if you are in the shower or having a run when you should be at someone's house, that's just selfish and nothing to do with anxiety or being disorganised.

Surely you’re holding the purse in your hand when you get out the card to pay? So how on earth is it quicker to then put the card in your pocket? The purse it literally in your hand, open, waiting for the card to go back in it!

Most of the people on this thread who are late have stated that it does cause them stress and anxiety and they’re not happy about it longestlurker, so the suggestions on how to improve from people who aren’t late are exactly that: suggestions!

But longestlurker that’s surely what you expect from others otherwise why even arrange a time if you don’t expect the person you’re meeting to make an effort to get there at that time?
Are doctors, hairdressers and other professionals ‘intolerant’ because they expect you to be on time? No, they have other stuff to do. And the people you are meeting have more important things they could be getting on with when they are hanging around waiting for you!
People should not be required to be tolerant of other people’s rudeness.

Despite generally being an 'on time' sort of person, I regularly lose my car keys. They do have a place (on a hook in the kitchen) and yet despite this I seem to manage to leave them somewhere else. It drives me demented. I don't lose other things. Eg I have never in my adult life lost an umbrella or left my shopping on a bus. But keys are my nemesis.

Funnily enough doctors are always keeping people waiting but I'll leave that one. I'm not saying they're not helpful tips. I'm saying all this "if you cared about me enough you'd manage it" is a self absorbed way of thinking.

Funnily enough doctors are always keeping people waiting but I'll leave that one.

Err, you what now?

Doctors are trying to do a difficult job with finite resources. If the patient with the appointment before yours turns out to have a serious problem or is just really slow, of course the doctor will have to keep you waiting. But it's not within their reasonable control. Do you think they are late for your appointment because they're standing around drinking tea or sitting on the toilet playing Candy Crush or because they couldn't decide what to wear, which a PP thought was a valid excuse for being late?

But a lot of the time doctors are running late because their patients didn't turn up on time for their appointment. And it's not like the hairdresser where they can realistically say 'no, tough luck, make another appointment'. Who wants to be the GP hauled before the courts because they refused to see the baby with meningitis because his mum was ten minutes late to her appointment?

I have no real understanding of people who won't travel with a buggy on the tube, for example, or are too anxious to drive on the motorway, or picky eaters or any number of different foibles that impact on my day but ultimately if I get irate at everyone for being inconsiderate all the time then it's me who loses out ultimately. You shrug some of it off. My mum is a wise woman and when picking flatmates she told me choose the tolerant person over the considerate persin because everyone needs a bit of understanding sometimes.

I am one of these people. I hate it but no matter what measures I put in place to make sure I am on time, I am late about 80% of the time. I leave things to the last minute constantly. I love my friends and family and would hate for them to think that I do this because I don’t care - I am just extremely disorganised and envy organised people.

Yes exactly! Drs are doing a difficult job in difficult circumstances. People accept they are doing their best.

Drs are doing a difficult job in difficult circumstances. People accept they are doing their best.

Yes but people who are chronically late for everything because they don't get up early enough or faff around or are still doing other non-essential things when they should have already left are plainly not doing their best. They're taking the piss.

I think it boils down to "is it ok to consistently inconvenience and let down your friends and waste their time?"

If you find this ok to do, do you make up for it in other ways, is that how it works?

I reckon if you were saving someone someone life lurker then no-one would criticise you for being late. Both quite the same as ‘but why should I have to get my bag ready the night before when I’d rather resting?’
It’s certainly an interesting viewpoint that it’s peoples lack of tolerance for lateness that’s the problem rather than the person being late. Does the same apply for other inconsiderate behaviour? Not a problem if you blast your stereo at 1am - your neighbours just need to be more tolerant 😂

*not quite the same as