Help me understand people who are consistently late

[Namechangemum100]

I'm.meeting a friend today, I have deliberately told her the meet time is 30 minutes earlier than it should be as I know for sure she will be late, she always is.

I am one of those people who is always on time, I get ridiculous anxiety if I'm running late and it's just the way I am, but I find myself constantly waiting around for other people, and I just don't understand it.

If you are the type of person who is always late (15 minutes plus and excluding unavoidable traffic etc ), whats your reasoning? I have some friends who will actually say "oh I'll be late to xyz, you know me"...what does this mean?! How?! You know the time of meeting, why is it so hard? Some people will actually let me know they are "running late" at the actual meet time...how did you not forsee this situation 10-15 minutes ago and give a heads up?!

I'm not trying to be goady, if I understand the reasons why I think I might find it less frustrating.

SleepingStandingUp

Nobody is perfect, but what people find infuriating is that some of your faults seem to be so easily fixable yet you don’t seem to be trying very hard to change your habits and instead expecting everyone else to accommodate your faffing. Nobody is demanding a change of character or some other major aspect of your personality. You seem to especially have an ongoing problem with losing keys, even just sorting that out would save you lots of stress and time yet you just accept it as a ‘flaw’ despite the grief it causes you. You write long posts detailing all your mishaps, missed connections, losing cards, losing things on the bus, spilt coffee, getting lost etc it just sounds exhausting and to be honest if I was the friend hearing for the umpteenth time the string of disasters that prevented you from getting somewhere reasonably on time it would just get tedious. It’s telling that you don’t consider you have missed anything important, how do you know it was not important to your friend affected by your lateness and they are just being polite about it to avoid a scene? I used to have a cinema friend who turned up late often, where as I wanted to meet for a drink an hour beforehand she would use the start of the film as the deadline, cue me spending plenty of time nursing a drink in a bar with her rushing in all flustered with another fantastic tale of mishap for an excuse. I called time on our cinema visits when we started to miss the start for the film and piss off other cinema goers when finding our seats. It was not important to her, it was to me, so I found some other people who were on the same page as me and she was honestly put out as to why I no longer wanted to be her film buddy. Not wanting to be rushing about like a headless chicken is not being a stickler for time or uptight, it’s just wanting live life in less stress then there needs to be.

woodcraft folk

Now that raises a whole new question. Not directed specifically at the pp who mentioned woodcraft folk, but to the thread in general.

Woodcraft folk, cubs, brownies etc etc are run by volunteers who have busy lives. Washing to hang out, keys to find. Do you expect them to be there on time, ready to start the activity, or is it no big deal if they're routinely 10-15-20 minutes late?

Are you understanding if you're kept waiting outside for third week in succession because yet again they've lost the keys to the meeting hall, or do you think they should be better organised?

How can people moaning about lateness be self obsessed?

Because they are making everything about them, with no consideration that people might have other stuff going on.

Surely it's the person that is late who is self obsessed?
Because they have stopped to drop something off with someone who needs it? Or spent 5 minutes listening to someone who is having a really difficult time rather than rushing off and ignoring them? Or made time to fit in a visit to a friend or relative who is unwell or do a job for someone else? On what planet it that self obsessed?

What would you do if when you turned up late your friend had just gone home? Or do you assume that everyone will simply wait until you do turn up?
I'd contact them and check they were OK and if they had something else they needed to do I would understand and make other arrangements if they wanted to do that. Not everyone thinks that the world revolves around them. I guess that it's hard for some people to understand that approach because if you're the type of person who takes someone being late very personally, then you would be mortified if someone had something else to do and didn't stick around. Wouldn't bother me because I'd see the bigger picture.
(we also have phones etc so I'd keep in touch so that people didn't have to wait if they didn't want to)

One of my DSis is chronically late and the rest of the family make excuses for her. I eventually called her out at a family meal where they wouldn't seat us until our whole party had arrived. She was over an hour late and we were sitting in the lounge twiddling our thumbs. She had a shit non-excuse as usual when she arrived. I told her she was very rude and she cried but she became punctual with me from then on so it was totally worth it. She actually arrives first when we meet up one on one, it's a bloody miracle.

I do help at woodcraft folk. It's parent led.

I don't expect my friends to accept me saying ah I can't be arsed to work on my flaw, suck it up buttercup. They KNOW I try, and have implemented various things over the years, some of which work. I'm often the first one there because if I can I aim for early. If its a squeeze then we'd rather see each other albeit a bit late than not see each other at all. They know I hate being scatty and work on it constantly. Bit honestly, if that isn't good enough for them then I'M not good enough for them and they can choose to not be my friend any more.

If I was 5 minutes late and they left I'd think that was off because surely anyone can be 5 minutes late.

If I was going to be any later and they said they didn't want to wait for me so we're going then I'd understand and apologise. If I was late for the cinema I'd expect them to go in. And if two weeks in a row I'd utterly failed to make the pre movie drinks I'd offer to just meet for the movie in future or for you to go with someone else.

They know I can lose a phone in an empty room, my natural inclination is towards messy and I can be a bit scatty of dates. But that I'm loyal, funny, smart, caring, and fun. That for important ie weddings, christenings etc I will literally travel 3 hours each way just to be there and I'll catch an earlier train to make sure I'm there. For coffee down the road it isn't always possible to be there an hour early just in case. That if they call at 2 am be a use their boyfriend hasn't called in days that I will get up and talk to them about it. That I don't mind making a pillock of myself to make them smile.

And they way that up and balance out

Things that make me a good person - (things that make me an annoying person / effort I make to be less annoying) = WORTH IT OR NOT

Clearly they have all decided I am. You wouldn't, that cool.

If I turned up an hour late and they'd gone I'd deserve it, and them being utterly pissed off, especially if I hadn't told them but then I'd never not text my ongoing eta and I'd never question their decision to get on with what they were doing or go home.

Surely it's the person that is late who is self obsessed?
Because they have stopped to drop something off with someone who needs it? Or spent 5 minutes listening to someone who is having a really difficult time rather than rushing off and ignoring them? Or made time to fit in a visit to a friend or relative who is unwell or do a job for someone else? On what planet it that self obsessed?

No it's not self-obssessed. And nobody gives a toss if you're occasionally five or ten minutes late due unforeseen circumstances but if you consistently keep someone waiting for half an hour because you're running around being superwoman for everyone else who may cross your path, then you are showing that the person who you actually made an arrangement with is pretty low on your list of priorities and, I'm sorry, but that is absolutely showing them disrespect.

Multitask by all means, but not to someone else's detriment.

Apologies for extra s in obssssssessssssssssed

Are you understanding if you're kept waiting outside for third week in succession because yet again they've lost the keys to the meeting hall, or do you think they should be better organised? well as someone prone to running errors I'd not put myself in that position unless I knew I could be early every week so at worst on time and very very worst occasionally a few minutes late. So it would depend on their attitude.

I do volunteer, and I make sure I'm awake earlier than most people feel they need to be in order to be ready to go when I need to be.

it would also appear people not willing to let go someone not being as punctual as them don’t generally let things go in other areas. Such as this thread...

Perhaps I just got lucky and most of my friends are as bad as me or more tolerant. If two of us are supremely late we just change our plans. I’m not sure I could stomach a friendship with some of the rather rigid pp here and certainly haven’t been convinced I’m missing out on anything by being late.

I’m one of those people who’s not really consistent at anything so perhaps my lateness gives my friends some form of comfort I can at least be consistent at being late and in a very predictable manner. Whatever my flaws I still have my mates so hey ho.

Because they have stopped to drop something off with someone who needs it? Or spent 5 minutes listening to someone who is having a really difficult time rather than rushing off and ignoring them? Or made time to fit in a visit to a friend or relative who is unwell or do a job for someone else? On what planet it that self obsessed?

That’s a very very selective list and not exactly representative of the reasons why people find themselves running late all the time. If this thread is anything to go by peoples lateness is down to being chronically disorganised rather then being held up due to playing the Good Samaritan.

I don't think I've ever been an hour late to meet someone. Something like a family meal I'd just cancel tbh

No it's not self-obssessed. And nobody gives a toss if you're occasionally five or ten minutes late due unforeseen circumstances but if you consistently keep someone waiting for half an hour because you're running around being superwoman for everyone else who may cross your path, then you are showing that the person who you actually made an arrangement with is pretty low on your list of priorities and, I'm sorry, but that is absolutely showing them disrespect.

One day the person you made an arrangement with and were 5-10 or even 30 minutes late for might be the person who needs an ear or a favour.

It isn't disrespectful, it's about not being so rigid that you can't see the bigger picture. But as I said before, someone who is able to personalise this and make it about them isn't going to understand the mentality of someone who puts themselves out for other people as as a result overcommits themselves sometimes.

bluevioletsisqueenfaffer

I think the issue here is not people who are occasionally 10-15 mins late for whatever reason but the habitually late who seem to just expect others absorb their lateness into their schedule and accept their ‘flaws’. Sure, on some occasions I am happy to read a book or news paper in a pub while I wait 40 mins for someone to show up. Other times it actually starts to impact on the activity you have agreed to do together. That dinner that was booked for 7.30pm where we had to make the table free at 9pm suddenly becomes a rushed affair with one course because the friend rocked up at 8.15pm while you look like a stood up date. The example of the cinema I gave above where the start of the film was missed. I missed a whole theatre play once because someone turned up late and we were not allowed into the theatre after the performance started, that cost me about £70 because someone else could not be arsed to get their shit together. It’s not being obsessed or uptight not wanting to lose money or miss an activity due to someone’s tardiness. The ‘hey ho’ attitude and complete the insistence that those who have some sense of timekeeping are the ones with the problem is an odd viewpoint.

Some people are so flexible that they just won’t turn up. My DM will happily keep people on the edge all day, ie. 11o clock Then, sometime between 12 and 4. Then after waiting, it becomes before 6. Then you’ll get a call at 9pm saying, sorry, didn’t get round to you. If you’ve asked what she’s done all day, she can’t answer. She just got “held up” doing god knows what. A good 2 hours of that will be laying in the bath. That’s not altruism. That’s shooting yourself in the foot. She often doesn’t get to see her grandchildren now because I am not willing to make them wait in all day on a Saturday on the off chance she keeps her promise to arrive.

The bigger picture is that she just cannot be relied upon. I feel the same about a lot of my chronically late friends. They just can’t be counted on to do what they’ve said they’ll do. And it’s so easy just to say, actually sorry, it’s very unlikely i will arrive when I said I would so if you have other things to do, perhaps just do them instead of standing in the cinema alone waiting for me. Why make the plans in the first place if you never plan to keep them.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster I completely understand that. As a child I often missed things that were really important. I’d see the school bus drive off without me as I sprinted towards it, get detentions for lateness, we used to get locked in car parks quite a lot and I would cry. When we were on time, it was always by the skin of our teeth.

Now if we miss a train or whatever, she’ll say “oh well never mind. You didn’t really want to see that show anyway.” It’s a complete disregard for anyone else.

5-10 mins I can deal with. Waiting over an hour for someone regularly is awful. You can fly to another country in an hour.

Iam - that is very different from what most people here are talking about and you absolutely are right to not wait around for your mum in those circumstances. So just explain that you have other commitments, you will check at x time if she is coming and if not you will get on with the other things. If she confirms that she is coming at 11 and isn't there by 11.30, send a message explaining that you can't wait in for her but will catch her another time. Then do your own thing.

People who extrapolate so much about someone being consistently late really are incredibly self obsessed. No i dont mind if you're late if you have agenuine reason.

Getting up and having a shower when you are already supposed to be there is rude and thats being self obsessed.Me,me,me.Dont mind the person waiting on you.That had to do the same stuff you did and still managed to be there.

I give up!

You just don't get it.

If someone is late to meet me because they took a neighbour to A&E, then rescued an abandoned kitten, then stopped to call the emergency services when they were the first to come across a cyclist knocked off their bike, then of course I wouldn't be upset. Although I'd be at all those things magically happening to one person inside a couple of hours.

But if they are late to meet me because they don't want to leave without having an hour long bath first, or because they decided to do their ironing, or stop in Tesco for a week's shopping then that's an entirely different thing.

So is it not being understanding enough to be understanding when people are occasionally and unavoidably late?
There’s being tolerant and then there’s letting people walk all over you! I’m so sorry I’m intolerant of my cousin repeatedly not leaving the house until after we’re supposed to meet and expecting me to get up early while she has a nice lie in and I am tired and left waiting with fractious children who are asking every 5 mins where their cousins are. And I just have to say ‘I don’t know’. Because I genuinely don’t - it could be 30 mins, it could be an hour. I’d been quite annoyed about it so thanks to whoever pointed out it’s actually me with the problem because I am too rigid and intolerant of her lateness!

I wonder how lurker would have felt if after getting her kids to the woodcraft folk it wasn’t on because whoever was running it was so late after deciding to sort out her loft/wash her windows that it was finished by the time they arrived. And that happened every week. I hope she’d be understanding about it.

Of course. I don't think anyone disagrees with that. I was just trying to answer the OP and saying it isn't always about that. And failure to leave enough time is sometimes about more than just not valuing your friends.

Pork. Woodcraft folk isn't really like that. It's a collective and we all help out. But I think I have said a number of times that I adjust my behaviour to the circumstances. If it was my turn to run the session I'd obviously have taken fewer risks.

Well to be honest lurker I don’t think you have experience of the actual level of cheeky fuckery some of us are dealing with here. I doubt anyone gets in a strop over occasional 5/10 min lateness but some people don’t make the effort and are always very very late (hours) Be thankful you haven’t encountered any of them.