Help me understand people who are consistently late

[Namechangemum100]

I'm.meeting a friend today, I have deliberately told her the meet time is 30 minutes earlier than it should be as I know for sure she will be late, she always is.

I am one of those people who is always on time, I get ridiculous anxiety if I'm running late and it's just the way I am, but I find myself constantly waiting around for other people, and I just don't understand it.

If you are the type of person who is always late (15 minutes plus and excluding unavoidable traffic etc ), whats your reasoning? I have some friends who will actually say "oh I'll be late to xyz, you know me"...what does this mean?! How?! You know the time of meeting, why is it so hard? Some people will actually let me know they are "running late" at the actual meet time...how did you not forsee this situation 10-15 minutes ago and give a heads up?!

I'm not trying to be goady, if I understand the reasons why I think I might find it less frustrating.

I think organising yourself to be on time is a life skill. If your parents didn’t teach you this then it is probably harder to pick up.
It is also expectations. If you were never expected to be on time as a child then again it probably difficult to learn.
Flakey parents make flakey kids.

Again, I'm flummoxed by the "I have anxiety/fear of arriving early". What?

Surely the fear/anxiety should be of arriving late? And it completely lacks regard for the person who is arriving on time. Especially if you know they'll be on time.

I have an easily distracted 11year old Aspie child with a poor sense of time. I am trying to train him to live in the real world.

He used to say things like “ I’ll have a shower later, it only takes 5 mins”. So we did 3 time trials

1. The fastest shower that he could possible do
2. A normal shower
3. A long relaxed shower, what he calls a luxury shower

Some of you on this thread ( even though you are grown adults ) will be suprised to know that none of these took 5 mins.

We also did an assessment after shower 1 and noted things like

He hadn’t rinsed his hair properly so it had a horrible texture when dry and was full of shampoo.

He forgot to use anti perspirant and brush his teeth.

He got Angry and frustrated with himself because his clothes were inside out and rolled up so hard to put on.

He felt stressed and anxious.

He put the dirty underwear back on because it was quicker.

He didn’t have time to check that his clothes were appropriate to the occasion . So he would have been in trouble if he went to school without his tie or cold if he went to the park without his jacket.

So in this way he worked out the minimum amount of time he needed to do the whole job adequately . Adequately means including associated tasks like opening the bathroom window , hanging up the wet towels, putting dirty clothes in the laundry basket.

And not requiring me to be shouting at him every 5 mins “ hurry up, we are leaving soon”.

For my child, the minimum time required is actually around 25 mins. He does better in 30 mins . So it doesn’t matter if that seems a long time to you or that Mo Farrah can do it in 5 mins. That’s not relevant.

We leave for school at 8am so he has to be in shower by 7:30am latest. No debate.

I’d hate to think that he would be 20 mins late every single day of his life for the next 80 years because hes labouring under the delusion that this everyday task takes 5 mins.

And I don’t want him to start every day scratching his head and muttering “ gee I don’t know where the time went” and being surprised that British Rail didn’t hold the train for him.

Now of course not all of life is as predictable or measurable . But it’s a start. And when he needs to calculate these unknown or unfamiliar inputs, he will have a starting point and not a 20 min deficit.

And again, I have to ask - if there are solutions which people who are on time readily share and admit to using (rarely does anyone say with a tinkly laugh "oh me, I'm just naturally super organised and on time" - almost everyone on this thread has listed the EFFORT that they go to to be on time) then why not try them? If you always lose your keys/purse/phone etc WHY NOT JUST KEEP THEM IN YOUR BAG BY THE DOOR? It's not exactly rocket science, is it? Why not try it for a week, a month, and see if things improve a bit?

This idea that "it's just the way I am" is ridiculous. You know when someone on here posts that her DH doesn't clear up or something and she has to do it all, and then when she complains about it he says "oh I'm just like that" - well that, like this, is complete bollocks.

0rlaith thank you for doing that for him - that kind of thing is really helpful for those of us who struggle with time perception. And somehow it's really difficult to do it for yourself. (I would probably miss out several steps of what counts as "adequately", for example). But doing that with him will have given him a much better understanding than e.g. shouting at him when he is inevitably late.

Again, I'm flummoxed by the "I have anxiety/fear of arriving early". What?

Same here. I have diagnosed anxiety and for me arriving late is more likely to create an anxiety attack than arriving early.

If I arrive early I have strategies to fill that time - walk around the block, take 5 minutes of relaxation time, listen to a podcast, complete a convenient errand, answer a few emails on my phone or even just play a level of candy crush - but if I arrive late then by the time I arrive i am alreadg anxious as I know the other person is waiting and I'm holding up the plans

Biologifemini which might work if every one in the family is crap and useless but it's just me, not my sister and we were raised to the same expectations.

WHY NOT JUST KEEP THEM IN YOUR BAG BY THE DOOR? It's not exactly rocket science, is it? Why not try it for a week, a month, and see if things improve a bit? see my earlier post. My brain has blips. I know keys go in the shoebox keys go in the shoebox because when they're lost it is ME that cries, ME that can't do something I want to do and ME that has to pay for them. It isn't like someone else picks it up for me. But sometimes I go to the shoebox and the keys aren't there. I don't know what happened. I open the door, push the pushchair in, keys out and door closed, keys I n the shoe box, go to the loo, release the toddler from his pushchair. That's pretty much every time I come home. And yet sometimes they simy aren't there when I look next.

I hate to be late but my DH has often been a perpetual latecomer. He's extremely relaxed about life in general to the point that it drives me up the wall.

I have in the decade plus that we've been together pointed out how rude it is and he is now much better. When I first knew him it was just that he was so laid back about everything.

Orlaith. I completely believe you. One of my dc was the same. It doesn't help when other people keep insisting that a task can be done in the best time that they personally can do. It is just not possible for that child.

Oh, and he's also the sort of person to have a billion notifications on his phone that he has no desire to read/check. 😬😬 some people are just like that I suppose.

Oh bless you Bertie, no one else would dream of thanking me . I fully expected to be told here that I’m controlling and obsessive.

And of course the “ adequately “ is subjective . I was irritated that his clothes didn’t match but he doesn’t care so I try to bite my tongue. And in some families it wouldn’t matter about about wet towels on the floor because they use fresh ones each time / have staff but we don’t .

So I tried to help him work out which type of shower worked best for HIM eg he has sensory issues so spends ages fixing his socks,so being short of time to do this task upsets him

Eg he hates the dried soap on his hair

Eg he hates anti perspirant so puts it on very very s l o w l y.

I want him to get to know what works best for him rather than just doing what his mums tells him. Unless they conflict of course and in which case I’m right and it’s my way or the highway .

sometimes they aren't. I have no idea why. I can't remember doing anything different.

So you need to put strategies in place - when the keys aren't in the box, where are they? Why did they end up where they did? How can you stop it happening in future?

Having a system helps but doesn't make it infallible

I never said it was infallible but by having systems you minimise the number of times it does happen so that the lateness and inconvenience is the exception rather than the rule for daily life.

With a system I lose my keys maybe a couple of times a year. Without a system my SIL can lose hers a couple of times a day. Being organized and on time is not something that comes easily to me but I have taken the time to identify my trigger points and proactively work to address them.

Saying "I don't know why I'm late" or "it's just the way I am" doesn't absolve you of the personal responsibility to make the effort to try and fix the issues.

@Biologifemini I really don't think that's the case - my sibling is effortlessly organised and punctual. Yet can't stay up after 9pm. I am an owl that's forgetful and disorganised.

@SleepingStandingUp I feel your pain. I keep keys by the front door. THAT IS THE RULE. Just now my phone rang, which I had to walk around listening for as I didn't know where I had left it, and find it on the kitchen table with, suprise suprise, THE HOUSE KEYS. I have also frequently left them in the lock outside. It drives me mad.

Sleeping sometimes saying "be quiet and let me think" helps. I don't let anyone talk to me until I've done everything in sequence. DM still gets pissed off, even though she knows I'm autistic.

But the majority of people who are late don’t have a disability - diagnosed or otherwise.
If you arrive to the hairdressers, beautician, nail salon on time several times a week because they don’t hold appointments but you are always 1 hr plus late to meet relatives and friends because you don’t get up until you’re meant to be leaving that’s nothing to do with a disability and everything to do with being selfish.
Why are people so keen to believe that selfish, entitled people don’t exist and they all must have a disability and require understanding?

Orlaith that is brilliant.
My ds1 has no sense of time. He's 11, so I don't know if it's something that just goes along wiht being 11 or if it is something he will struggle with. At the moment I make sure that I build enough time into his tasks to make sure he is not late, but what you have done is excellent and much better and I shall do that with him at the next opportunity!

@porkflute...because by claiming "hidden disability" it's yet just another attempt to put the ownership of the issue on to someone else, and not take any responsibility for their own behaviour what so ever.

SleepingStandingUp well no system is infallible, everyone loses or misplaces stuff sometimes. But if it's happening often then perhaps the system isn't working, so maybe I don't know - hanging keys up by the door so you can see them rather than dropping into a shoebox? Getting a really long lanyard or large keyring? Maybe even one with a beeper on it so you can at least locate keys quickly? And note if they always turn up in the same place eg kitchen - so maybe THAT would be a better home for them?

I have various systems in place for all sorts of things. It sounds terribly organised and controlling written down, but actually it's not, and I think we all do it to a greater or lesser exent: mugs go on the shelf above the kettle, for example, and not randomly distributed around the kitchen etc etc. And if something isn't working, or I find that it doesn't "flow" properly, then it gets reassessed and I try something else. I'd never just shrug my shoulders and live with it if there was still something to try.

So you need to put strategies in place - when the keys aren't in the box, where are they? Why did they end up where they did? How can you stop it happening in future?
But I don't know. I haven't seen them in weeks. It's like the pixies ate them. And they might one time have been in the loo because I was about to wee myself. Or on the side because I left them in the door and DH grave Ed them on his way in and put them with his. Or in my coat pocket because I had my hands full and a coat on so I took them out the door before going in. But often they'll turn up a week later randomly so I have no idea.

Saying "I don't know why I'm late" or "it's just the way I am" doesn't absolve you of the personal responsibility to make the effort to try and fix the issues I do agree. And that's why I tend to leave early because if I aim for the Sun I can usually land on a star when it was the star I wanted all along. But I still can't find my keys and sometimes I'm still too me to get out the door on time.

Sleeping sometimes saying "be quiet and let me think" helps. I don't let anyone talk to me until I've done everything in sequence my 3 yo laughs at your demands. As does my bladder 😂

Ultimately the people who love me know I'm prone to losing my phone in an empty room whilst I sit quietly in a corner and will either be early or late but never on time. They know I aim for on time or early. They accept I have my failings like sometimes they can be late or messy or grumpy and I love them still.

If you have someone in your life who is only ever late for you, friends etc then you can decide its personal and cut contact to a minimum / tell them consistently ab hour earlier than you will arrive etc.

If you have someone who is disorganised and late in general then you can accept them or decide it too stressful to have them in your life but at least accept that it isn't about YOU.

I beat myself up about being late, letting people down, forgetting stuff etc. I have a million systems and then forget what the system is. I am far angrier at myself when I lose something than anyone else is with me. I expect lots of people like me feel the same.

Some don't give a damn and will enver make you a priority.

You have to make life choices that work for you but personally I'm grateful I am loved in spite of my failings as I love my friends and family in spite of theirs

If you have someone who is disorganised and late in general then you can accept them or decide it too stressful to have them in your life but at least accept that it isn't about YOU

Well of course it is about you if you are one who has just wasted a rare Saturday afternoon off or misssd the start of a film because someone you had agreed to meet has not got their shit together and turned up massively late. I’m the one being inconvenienced when I could have been doing something else more productive then waiting for you. And let’s be honest, for an awful lot of people it is just that, not having your shit together. Most people aren’t born with some superior punctuality gene, they have over time since adolescence worked out how to get through their day without having to rely on the patience and flexibility of others to accommodate their faffing and abject disorganisation. On he rare occasions I have been late I have tried to examine afterwards why, sometimes it’s something out of my control like a cancelled train or whatever, if it poor planning on my part I try not to make the same mistake again. What people find infuriating is when you meeting someone at the same place they were late meeting you at last time and they turn up late again making the same excuses then did before.

Disability as a reason to be late? oh ffs people. Soon we'll have a disability for everything: washing our hands, eating, going to bed, standing up, sitting down ...

Just relax. Is a friend in question a good person? worth being friends with? If yes, just forgive their lateness. If they are inconsidered bastards - maybe not see them.

As to anyone laying out their clothes, doing everything in-fucking-advance - well, chill. Some people prefer to live a bit as opposed to planning. 15min lateness is not a crime to root out.

Well, as it’s been stated on this thread numerous times I don’t think you are going to get too many people shitting the bed over someone turning up 5 - 10 mins late, that’s forgivable if occasionally irritating. It’s the constantly rocking up massively late and expecting the person you were due to meet to just suck it up and accept your crapness despite the fact they have been sitting on their own in a restaurant or bar like a prize lemon or have missed the start of that film/play/band that you really wanted to see. Telling those people you have massively inconvenienced to ‘chill’ is really only what a selfish twat would do.

Here's a tip for anyone suffering from a late, but otherwise nice friend: have a good book to read while you are waiting. Chances are you won't even want them to turn up.

Having said that, if someone is late for more than 30 min and no text, I'd pack my camp and go. With a book to read at home.

Yeah never mind the shift you turned down/ rearranged, the fact you now have to do the school run hungry because theres now no time to eat, I have a book...

I said that it was worth striking a balance. That was the thread turned to "5 mins late! No way would I wait around for you! How about being ON TIME?" with lots of shouting.