Help me understand people who are consistently late

[Namechangemum100]

I'm.meeting a friend today, I have deliberately told her the meet time is 30 minutes earlier than it should be as I know for sure she will be late, she always is.

I am one of those people who is always on time, I get ridiculous anxiety if I'm running late and it's just the way I am, but I find myself constantly waiting around for other people, and I just don't understand it.

If you are the type of person who is always late (15 minutes plus and excluding unavoidable traffic etc ), whats your reasoning? I have some friends who will actually say "oh I'll be late to xyz, you know me"...what does this mean?! How?! You know the time of meeting, why is it so hard? Some people will actually let me know they are "running late" at the actual meet time...how did you not forsee this situation 10-15 minutes ago and give a heads up?!

I'm not trying to be goady, if I understand the reasons why I think I might find it less frustrating.

what will I do if I'm early

Do whatever you think people do while they're waiting for you? If it's good enough for them, it's good enough for you, right?

Isn’t aiming to get there a bit early what literally everyone does who aims to be on time? Then if you’re delayed you’re still not late.

Isn’t aiming to get there a bit early what literally everyone does who aims to be on time? Then if you’re delayed you’re still not late

Pretty much.

I do (or don't do ) what I need to in order to he ready to leave and if u have tine to sit and have a coffee either at home or wherever I am then I will.

And then as you say if a bus doesn't show up or there's a massive queue in the shop it's not a problem.

Isn’t aiming to get there a bit early what literally everyone does who aims to be on time? Then if you’re delayed you’re still not late
No. Some of my friends aim to be on time and are. Or aim for five minutes early and are five minutes early. I aim for 30 minutes early and might be in time, might be early or still might be a little late be a use I've internalised that half hour early so I convince myself there still time to do X

And I don’t tolerate it any more. I turn up late now for persistent latecomers. I met my cousin a while ago and dragged myself out of bed at 7 at a weekend, got the kids dressed and breakfasted to get the train to the next city where she lives to meet at 9:30 (her time suggestion that I agreed with). She turned up at 11! Complaining about the rush around she’d had as she didn’t get up until 10! This isn’t a one off oversleeping it happens all the time. I was tired and had 2 children who had already had enough before their cousins arrived and I just thought never again will I go out of my way for someone who’s not prepared to put a quarter of the effort in. I could have slept until 9 and arrived at the same time as her but clearly I just need to be more understanding
I also add that my cousin is never late for the hair and nail appointments she regularly has at various times of the day as they would turn her away. Some people treat others well because it’s in their nature and others need to be forced to do it.

I think getting out of he'd 30 minutes after you're meant to be meeting someone and being anything but embarrassed and hugely apologetic is clearly rude regardless

If you aim to be on time you won’t always be on time though. Aiming to be a little early is sensible.

I'm frequently late, although not for work or appointments usually, for personal meetups maybe 5 to 10 mins. I have ADD and ASD and struggle to keep the steps of any task in the correct order in my head. Takes me forever just to get up, showered and dressed. But if it's pre-planned, that helps me a lot. I can lay out my outfit the night before (even if it's just jeans and a jumper), in order of what to put on, I can prepare a towel for my shower, and pack my handbag with wallet and keys etc, and get breakfast stuff ready, minimising mental effort required to get ready.
But if it's an impromptu "Hey are you free today? Let's meet up in an hour", I really struggle to suddenly have A Thing scheduled that day, so that gives me immediate anxiety, and then I struggle to put down what I'm doing or cancel my to-do list of chores for the day and switch from housework mode to socialising more... And then there's the social anxiety I have from ASD and not understanding people as it is, so socialising is hard work and I have to psyche myself up for it. But I don't want to miss out on human connection because I still need it as much as other people do.

But, I think if it's a last-minute impromptu lunch or something, people are unreasonable to get upset with a friend being 10-15 mins late. Have a drink and chill for 10 mins, it's supposed to be a relaxing occasion. I think sometimes there's just a clash caused by those who are anxious about timeliness even when it's just not that big a deal, and those who are anxious about the whole faff of getting themselves ready for socialising, and one person dismissing the anxieties of the other, each thinking they have more reason than the other to be upset in the moment! I hope that I manage to fall in the middle somewhere. I'm never late for a show or movie or something time-sensitive.

Also, to the pp who called me odd, I'd stated earlier that I was autistic. Autistic people don't appreciate being called odd. You're fucking odd.

pork

I now longer rush to family things. They tell me what time they aim to leave and I tell them I will have us all up fed dressed and ready to go by then. And to call me when they are about to leave and I'll be there in 5 mins ( that's all it takes to drive there) . Funnily enough when there's no one to blame for getting in the way or creating a distraction or for merely causing so much strss waiting for them to be late even though they never have been and they aren't even ready themselves, they can actually leave on time. Wish I'd done it sooner

You have genuinely no idea how much it meant to my friends that I made it to both the BBQ and the party, and genuinely no idea how little they minded that I was later than I said. It wouldn't work for you, but I don't see how that means you get to dictate how my friends and I operate. You also have no idea whether I act selfishly - I always do the lion's share of travelling to accommodate my more rigid friends, often we are meeting up precisely so I can help with something they are struggling with. There is so much black and white thinking going on.

Aiming to be a little early is sensible.
But for some people it isn't about planning to be a little early to accommodate traffic. Like I said uptbread it's like having a winky dart that always goes left when you throw. If there's space you can overcompensate and aim for 30° left /early but if you finish work at X and need to be at the pub for Y and need to do something in the middle, my ability to time manage is off.

I aim to leave the house every day at midday, and because its a big gap from up to out a loose the time and we end up rushing most days so I panic and get the bus so we're generally early but if the bus is late too I'd struggle

Speaking of which, if I don't go we'll be late!

Is clashing parties an everyday problem for you lurker?
Because I think most people would honour their first commitment or if both hosts were very keen to accommodate leaving early/arriving late then do as you did.
Not really comparable to someone who calls you up 10mins late telling you they’ll be leaving in a minute because they were napping/cleaning their house.

PorkFlute your observation about you cousin being on time for hair appointments seems to support my thought that if there are consequences, people are usually on time.

Looking at the reasoning from some of the people justifying their habitual lateness, I'm seeing a lot of "I" and "me".

How about instead of thinking, "I need to be there at 12 and Google maps says it'll take 30 minutes to get there so I can leave at 11:30 and it's 11:15 now so I just have time to put the washing on and have a cup of tea and then I'll go", you start thinking, "Claire will be waiting for me at 12 and I don't want to be late. Google maps says 30 minutes and it's 11:15 now, but I don't want to keep her waiting if it takes longer to get there so I'd better leave now. The washing can wait, because it's not a person!"

If it’s a problem that you lose track of time have you considered a clock in every room? Timer set to beep on the hour/half hour?
I think, disabilities aside, there is not a massive range in natural aptitude for being on time. The difference is whether people choose to be responsible for their own time management and put systems in place or whether they choose to make others accommodate their lateness and put their own systems in place to lessen its impact.

I think, disabilities aside, there is not a massive range in natural aptitude for being on time. The difference is whether people choose to be responsible for their own time management and put systems in place or whether they choose to make others accommodate their lateness and put their own systems in place to lessen its impact.

This.

And there's always one who starts banging on about "invisible disabilities". A small number of people might have a genuine disability making it more difficult for them to be on time. They can combat this by telling their friends why they find it so hard and putting in place coping strategies to help them deal with it (because they still need to take some responsibility).

Most late people are just rude, entitled and disrespectful of others. That's not a disability, nor is it invisible.

That kind of thing is common among all my friends, yes. We arrange to meet at 6:30 it someone's stuck in work and won't be there till 7, or we arrange to make the 2pm swimming slot but of us has only just finished lunch and texts to say "sorry can we make it 2:30?" Occasionally the other person would have already set off but do you know they are ok with waiting because the next time it might be them. This works for us. If I knew my friend would be annoyed if I was late I wouldn't have arranged to meet at all- and don't with more rigid friends unless I can absolutely promise, but then we rarely see each other. I am going to a dinner thing on Friday in Oxford. I need to get my kids back from forest school in London before I set off. I know this is going to make it tight timing but what's the option? Not going? Asking someone else to fetch the kids? None of these are ideal and my friends are in the same boat and understand.

I know people like this and I find it really frustrating. I've got 3 children age 5, 3 and 1. I've never been late for school, rushing at the last minute, yes, never late though. If you are being consistently late to things every single time you need to prepare better and get out of bed earlier.

If you have a prior commitment when making the arrangement and are clear that timing will be tight but you’ll get there when you can that’s different to suggesting a time then turning up over an hour late repeatedly because you were weeding the garden/chatting to a neighbour/other thing that was clearly more important than being on time.

and yet I find it baffling some people turn up on the dot for the tenth time knowing full well it’s likely I’ll be late.
The only person responsible for being late is you
The other person being on time is not to blame.
You're to blame.

It’s odd that so many people on here seem to be able to pinpoint the many reasons they are late but none seem to have done anything about any of them and are wondering why they are still always late.
Are there honestly people who recognise that Googlemaps timings don’t leave them enough time to get to places and have experienced this on several occasions but then don’t take the next logical step of leaving more time than it suggests next time?

And yes I’m also confused by the argument that if the other person was also late you wouldn’t be late so it’s their fault 😂

I can lay out my outfit the night before (even if it's just jeans and a jumper), in order of what to put on, I can prepare a towel for my shower, and pack my handbag with wallet and keys etc

Yes, this is what organised, on time people do as a matter of course. So many late people on this thread are rushing around looking for keys, bank card, purse, shoes, etc, etc, when they should be on their way out the door, when ten minutes of thought and planning the night before would avoid all that stress. But nobody, other than the very few who have genuine difficulties, like the pp I've quoted, has been able to say why they can't just do that.

What is it that prevents someone from putting their shoes by the door and their keys in their bag before they go to bed? Will someone please explain?