Help me understand people who are consistently late

[Namechangemum100]

I'm.meeting a friend today, I have deliberately told her the meet time is 30 minutes earlier than it should be as I know for sure she will be late, she always is.

I am one of those people who is always on time, I get ridiculous anxiety if I'm running late and it's just the way I am, but I find myself constantly waiting around for other people, and I just don't understand it.

If you are the type of person who is always late (15 minutes plus and excluding unavoidable traffic etc ), whats your reasoning? I have some friends who will actually say "oh I'll be late to xyz, you know me"...what does this mean?! How?! You know the time of meeting, why is it so hard? Some people will actually let me know they are "running late" at the actual meet time...how did you not forsee this situation 10-15 minutes ago and give a heads up?!

I'm not trying to be goady, if I understand the reasons why I think I might find it less frustrating.

@philomenabutterfly...I think there are many examples in this thread where it has been acknowledged that genuine anxiety, ADHD, autism etc are viewed as valid reasons to explain lateness.

Putting your washing out as fair as I was aware is not ahidden disability.

I don't know anyone who is always and very late. Both myself and some friends can be 15 min late and this is no big deal.

I think the kind you talk about is late because they faff about too much before leaving, so they end up getting out of the house much later than needed.

I have a friend like this and it's annoying. She has no disabilities, just thinks that what she is doing is more important than the person waiting for her!

I know I should have but I was SO looking forward to dinner with my friends. It was a special Christmas dinner and my last meal out before my first baby. I kept thinking one of them would arrive any moment. The restaurant weirdly didn’t even have a bread basket, I guess because it was Christmas and they had a special menu on. I’ll never forget it, the biggest kick in the teeth was that they ran out of turkey and ham dinners which I had been fantasising about. I did have a coke but with pregnancy nausea and hunger it made me feel sicker. So when one friend finally breezed in the door half heartedly apologising for being sooooo late, the others close behind, I completely lost it and roared crying. Totally embarrassing but they were very ashamed. I actually had a small glass of wine to calm down. My only sip of alcohol that whole pregnancy. We went on to have a nice afternoon. We still ‘joke’ about it now. I’ll NEVER let them forget it

And people with hidden disabilities may get distracted more easily but that doesn’t mean everyone who leaves their house later than they need to has a hidden disability or even most. Most people who do that just don’t give a shit about the person waiting for them.

PorkFlute many of them seem to be on this thread.

No Namechange but it can be a symptom of one. The anxiety that one can't leave the house until the washing's out.

I've been called odd by a pp because I like a nice relaxed morning, also, if I left 15 minutes after getting up, DD would still be in her pyjamas. Her alarm goes off at 6.20, she's usually barely started getting dressed at 7.20.

The worst kind of habitual late person to me is the one that realising they are late will have the audacity to send the punctual friends a list of 'tasks' to do before they get there. 'Oh if you are there already do you mind seeing if there is a newsagents nearby and grabbing '. 'Can you just go in and get us all seats near the front'. 'Can you check to see if there are any parking spaces outside'. 'There is a Tesco around the corner - would you mind popping in there and grabbing me a bottle of water'

And to the Poster who asked about the barbecue and the 50th Birthday party - it would be clear to me that there was not time to do both, I would do one or the other. If it was absolutely necessary to try and fit both in then you set both parties expectations well in advance. You tell the barbecue hosts that you have another commitment at 7pm so will only be able to stay until 6.30pm. You tell the party host that you have an unavoidable commitment until 6.30pm but can come straight over after that. Then you stick to this. People are accommodating in these circumstances.

The thing which really annoys me is when some women want to be deliberately late for a date, even for a small time like 15min, not because they just happened to be late while trying to get there on time. Like they are that special and need to make an appearance. Now that is a very cheap dated trick.

EthelThePiratesDaughter
I won’t engage with someone saying don’t be stupid. That’s just rude imo

er what? "sorry" would be a more appropriate response. "Don't be stupid" is goddamn fucking rude.

(Haven't trawled through the whole thread - apologies if duplicating)

In general, people who are consistently late are simply rude and selfish, acting in a way that shows disregard for others, and a belief that their time is more valuable than yours.

Simply arrange to meet at (say) 1pm, and when they don't show by 10 past, leave. They'll get the message.

There's a friend in our group who is always late. Running joke about telling her the wrong time etc. She just underestimates how long it'll take her to do other stuff before hand, can't say no so if her mum says and I need you to do this first she tries to keep every one happy.
We know she never means it to be about her being more important so we humour her.

If it's a start time for a wedding, show etc we'll aim to meet up before so her late doesn't run into important stuff but she is clearly better with the big things like weddings.

Personally for me it's disorganisation and badly judging how long stuff will take and getting distracted. So I'll go upstairs to get my shoes and will remember I don't know where my bank card is so then I'm searching coat pockets. OK card found. Downstairs for purse. Aagghh shoes. Back upstairs for shoes. Downstairs. Where did I put my purse? Back upstairs to retrieve purse. Shoes on, purse in bag. Go in to kitchen, grab drink, get snack for toddler, clean the side, aah where's my bus pass. DH is pointing to the clock. I thought u had time to clean the side. OK, bus pass bus pass last seen...? OK find change instead. OK got money. Out the door. Back in the door, I forgot the present I wrapped last night. Out the door.

Ok so what disability comes with the symptom ‘arrives on time every time every day for school drop off and work and all other appointments where there is a financial or negative consequence for being late yet regularly keeps friends/family waiting for an hour or more’. It’s not one I’m aware of.

swan

Then of course there's the "oh i just have to make a phone call or do X and/or I can o my stay half an hour as I have to do Y"

Phone clearly always in hand so they know exactly what the time is and could have made the sodding phone call in the 30 mins they kept you waiting.

@philomenabutterfly I like a nice relaxed morning

😂😂😂It's comments like that on this thread that make me laugh...we ALL like a bloody nice relaxed morning...you think those of us on time are some kind of super human beasts who like nothing more than to rush around, get somewhere on time, and then wait around because you needed a "relaxed morning"

The self entitlement on this thread is nauseating.

And yes, I agree, some people's putting the washing out will be due to a genuine anxiety...but the vast majority IS NOT.

Whereas obviously people who are on time don’t ever forget anything or have to go into other rooms to get ready. Their clothes just fall on them from above 😂

But not all people on this thread have said they arrive on time where it's mega important, people have lost jobs and missed flights.

Some have also said that having a routine helps, so for school, work etc.

My routine for school is absolutely rigid, it gets moved timewise occasionally, but the order's the same. Also, on particular days I have Google reminders for PE and swimming kits etc.

And has anyone expressed anything other than sympathy for people with disabilies who genuinely can’t be on time without help?
The annoyance is reserved for the can but won’t group.

My brother was so late for our other Brothers wedding that he arrived as we were all leaving the church after the service. The late brother was supposed to be the best man ! One of the ushers had to stand in for him.

We all told Groom brother not give the role to BM brother, because he has form for being spectacularly late. But he was convinced that BM brother would make the effort for once and not let him down.

Always late brother holds down a decent job so I guess he can be on time when he wants to be.

Namechange you didn't read my earlier posts. We're never late.

I get up at 5.30.

DD gets up at 6.20.

DS2 gets up at 6.25, earlier most of the time.

DD goes in the bathroom.

DS2 has breakfast.

DS2 goes in the bathroom.

DS2 has last wee at 7.40.

DD has last wee at 8.

Out the door at 8.20.

We do this because I like a nice relaxed morning. We stroll slowly to school, we have 30 minutes for a 20 minute walk.

entitlement 😂😂😂😂

My sister is a late person. It drives me mad. She tries to fit too many things into too little time. After a row once about it she’s a bit better now. With me at least.
I had four kids under 5 at the time I was going to meet her and was still on time.
I have MS which I could use as an excuse but like the op I feel more anxious at the thought of being late so I get up earlier/prepare more the night before.
I can’t stand the thought of leaving stuff to the last minute.
People are different but it is disrespectful imo to leave friends / family waiting when you manage fine getting yourself to work or other places on time

Well it was any consolation to my friends I was consistently late for work too.

I compensate now by trying to be extra early fowr stuff so we meet at 10 I'll aim for 9.45. We meet at 12 I aim for 11.30 etc.ds is largely on time for school (been caught out by traffic a few times) because I aim to be early every day. If I aimed for on time, we'd be late.

Its like playing darts with a small tilt in your throw. However much you practise you can't aim straight to to get the bullseye you aim 10 cm to the left.

I used to be late more frequently. I sometimes am now but since having children I find I'm actually more organised and more likely to be on time because everything with young kids takes so long that I factor in A LOT of contingency which means I'm now often early.

When I used to be late it was partly disorganization/forgetfulness which still happens but the contingency time I always have means it's less of a problem... It's fairly frequent I lock up then have to run back in or drive up the road and realise I've forgotten something and have to go back.

My DM is pathologically late. She thinks she can't help it. But with her it's a power thing she doesn't like others telling her how to do anything so I think she resents being on time for someone as though it's somehow giving them power or something bizarre. She is a nightmare in that she won't give a specific time she'll always say "about 11am", roll up at 11.45am and then act wounded and say we only agreed "about" 11am. Or she'll say she's now leaving and arrive an hour later when it's a 15 minute drive. Even more annoying on the rare occasions she's on time I am supposed to congratulate her it's bizarre and very annoying.

We have a yearly annual event that my aunt hosts. It usually starts about 1pm and DM will never get there before 2pm. She acts like everyone else is uptight and what does it matter it's going on all afternoon... But when someone is serving food and hosting you it's just plain rude to be late it used to embarrass me so much. I love I can make my own way there on time now.
DM used to have DS one morning a week. I work 30 mins away and have to be there for 8.45am so I'd ask her to arrive for 8am which leaves 15 mins to say bye etc. She never got here before 8.15am.. turned out she thought my workday started at 9am and I had factored in her lateness... which means she CAN be on time it just has to be her time - SHE thought 8.15 was ok therefore was able to be there for that time consistently. She's maddening.

Ok I'm going to be daring and admit I'm one of these people and I feel terrible for it. DP hates it- I don't know how he puts up with it tbh. I think with me I look at how long it takes to get somewhere and plan to leave the house at that time but get distracted and end up leaving late. I also don't factor in time to walk to that place from the car, finding parking etc. I do feel awful when late though. There's also a sense of anxiety over it- what will I do if I'm early, or I get social anxiety over a party so end up being late. And what a pp said upthread about thinking they're not late if still in house 10 mins before being there is completely true. My bff is loads worse than me though and I think that's had an effect on me. I am trying to work on it though.

Don't tolerate it then. You don't want to work that way. You don't have to. You tell your friend she does it your way or you go your separate ways. That's perfectly acceptable and some people are just incompatible. I just don't necessarily think it makes you the superior person, unless she genuinely is selfish and holding you to higher standards than herself.

I had three young children under the age of four and I still managed to get to parties , weddings etc on time
It’s called organisation and having respect for other people’s time