Help me understand people who are consistently late

[Namechangemum100]

I'm.meeting a friend today, I have deliberately told her the meet time is 30 minutes earlier than it should be as I know for sure she will be late, she always is.

I am one of those people who is always on time, I get ridiculous anxiety if I'm running late and it's just the way I am, but I find myself constantly waiting around for other people, and I just don't understand it.

If you are the type of person who is always late (15 minutes plus and excluding unavoidable traffic etc ), whats your reasoning? I have some friends who will actually say "oh I'll be late to xyz, you know me"...what does this mean?! How?! You know the time of meeting, why is it so hard? Some people will actually let me know they are "running late" at the actual meet time...how did you not forsee this situation 10-15 minutes ago and give a heads up?!

I'm not trying to be goady, if I understand the reasons why I think I might find it less frustrating.

I have never told anyone how difficult I find it to just get somewhere on time. To think some of my friends would dump me just because of this would really be upsetting.

I honestly find this baffling. Wanting special consideration for something, but not being willing to tell people that you want special consideration, and subsequently thinking it would be very hurtful of them to not give you special consideration for the thing that they don't know about.

I remember once sitting waiting an hour for various friends to arrive for a meal, all 4 other parties were ‘sorry, running late’. I was 38 weeks pregnant, sick, in pain and utterly starving waiting for them. When one finally arrived I burst into tears from the humiliation of sitting alone, unable to have a drink and being starving. It was pure hormones, I’m never a crier or feel so sorry for myself (I could have ordered but all the starters were huge and I was REALLY looking forward to a meal with my friends) but they were fucking rude and shitty, the lot of them. None of them had a single excuse better than ‘slept in late’ and ‘the bus was slow’.

I get that people have issues but they need to be upfront and fair when other people are relying on them.

As with every aspect of life, some people just function better than others.

I am not a morning person. I really struggle to get moving before about my 10am but unfortunately I have to leave for work at 8am. I also find it really difficult to go to bed at a reasonable time and to fall asleep once I'm in bed.

But I have to fight against my nature on this one, because otherwise I would lose my job.

These people who are consistently half an hour or an hour late meeting friends... Are they consistently half an hour or an hour late to work? If not, why not? Is it because the desire not to be fired is stronger than the desire not to keep your friends waiting around?

Because if it is, it's not a question of being incapable of being on time, it's a question of willingness to make the effort.

Because some people are always on time but their ridiculously disorganised husband can't get organised to save his life thus making everyone late!

Up to 15 minutes late, I can tolerate (unless it is something time sensitive like theatre). I am always on time or early - only late in pretty exceptional circumstances.

I do have friends who are persistently late much more than 15 minutes. I have one friend who is usually at least 45 minutes late. It does affect the plans I am prepared to make with this person. I would probably aim to see them less than other friends. Or if I was organising something where their lateness would annoy me or others I would not invite them. I never agree to meet them where I would have to wait outside or where waiting would be especially irritating.

This person got irritated when they did not get invited to some pre-event drinks, I invited another friend to. It was because to have the drinks we would need to be there at a set time and leave at a set time. Regardless of what she promised (with all good intentions I am sure) she would have been late, and made us late. If she wanted to arrive at the actual event late on her own then that is her look out.

I honestly think people who are early or on time are prepared to make more self sacrifices than people who are persistently late (with no good reason). If am pushed for time, I would much rather sacrifice something of my own than do it and make another person wait. I would leave the task half finished, I would skip breakfast, I would rather inconvenience myself than inconvenience the other person.

@treaclesoda and yet I find it baffling some people turn up on the dot for the tenth time knowing full well it’s likely I’ll be late.

Maybe OP should try to either find ways to appease the situation for example my friends offer to pick me up or I get them so that I have to leave at a certain time and sometimes my friends come in and help me get out the house!

If not then it’s fair enough she’s just not meant to have friends with different time keeping habits. I have a lot of friends so it hasn’t really affected me. I’m sure they roll their eyes at me a lot but maybe I’m lucky they are more forgiving than OP

Some of the "friends" on this thread do sound selfish. In fact you don't sound as if you like them very much or they make you feel valued so why bother, really? I am just saying that there can also just be a clash of cultures. I used to be on time for everyone and be kept waiting a lot of the time. Now I only make that effort for people I know will do the same and for others I adopt a more casual approach. The thing I find though is that the more casual approach is actually more pleasant all round as long as it cuts both ways. No one particularly enjoys a military operation in their leisure time, yelling at kids to get a move on and rowing with husbands who are late back from the supermarket an - as demonstrated by this thread, so a more flexible approach can actually work quite well as long as one party doesn't feel hard done by, and I don't now. I actually find being given a rigid timeslot (come to mine for breakfast at ten, but I need to leave at 11:30) when it's an unpredictable 45 min journey (ie you need to leave 90 mins or you'll risk being late) pretty antisocial real#ly. And most of my friends feel the same way so I don't think they are all seething mad with me - though if they are they can always say so.

yet I find it baffling some people turn up on the dot for the tenth time knowing full well it’s likely I’ll be late

When should they turn up if they don't know how late you'll be?

Don't be stupid. The only way to avoid one person wasting the other's time is for you both to be on time.

Don't blame the other person for being on time when they ought to know that you'll be late and magically, psychically know exactly how late you'll be. This one is 100% on you for being late, and it's fucking rude.

I'm with Swan on this one to be honest. If I know someone is going to be late I just don't make arrangements to see them at all. I spend time with other people who have the manners and consideration to be on time.

@EthelThePiratesDaughter if they told me they thought I didn’t give a shit about them I’d explain. I’ve not lost any friends to my knowledge through my time keeping so I suppose I’ve never felt I have to. I will tell them I’m sorry I couldn’t figure out what to wear. Maybe you’ve hit the nail on the head here and OP should tell her friend that and see what the reaction is.
There’s a lot of people posting replies on here that do seem like genuinely shit friendships tbh. The lady who was pregnant and left alone for an hour and then given crap excuses for example, that’s just shit friends surely?!
Me and my friends have ended up working around my shit time keeping, I’m not saying I have a right to that I’m saying friendships can still happen around this and would be a shame to lose friends over it for the wrong reasons. It would be nice to be as prompt as OP but I can’t see it happening anytime soon to me!

I’m sure they roll their eyes at me a lot but maybe I’m lucky they are more forgiving than OP

This is the kind of attitude that drives me nuts.

Do you even realise what you're saying?

"I'm sure they roll their eyes at me a lot" basically means "I know full well that I am inconveniencing them when I do this but really I don't give a shit because my time is more valuable than theirs".

Me and my friends have ended up working around my shit time keeping

NO!

Your friends are working around your shit time keeping. You're not doing anything except expecting them to bend over backwards to accommodate your shitty attitude.

If I were them I'd have stopped bothering with you long ago.

@EthelThePiratesDaughter I won’t engage with someone saying don’t be stupid. That’s just rude imo.

and yet I find it baffling some people turn up on the dot for the tenth time knowing full well it’s likely I’ll be late

If there's a table booked or others joining them, someone has to be on time don't they? Plus what happens if it's the one time they show up? You can be 're bring up the inconvenience of being late cos you were late. We show up because we don't want to leaveyou sat there .

As I said we don't have some organisation gene. We are on time because the jobs you make yourself late doing, well we left them for us to do later.we skipped breakfast or got an earlier bus than usual. Left clothes in the washing machine etc

And for the love of god remember that while we are sat there waiting we can see you were on WhatsApp three mins ago or are "active now" on messenger.

If you expect us understanding don't he changing your face book status ten mins after you should have been here. .

@Linning so you think it's okay to turn up 5 mins late?

Wow how rude! I wouldn't wait 5mins for you. What if it's a wedding or a funeral?!

Have you thought that if you're constantly 5 mins late your should probably leave 10 mins earlier.

Have you thought that if you're constantly 5 mins late your should probably leave 10 mins earlier

But nobby that means they might have to wait for the other person then. It's a waste of their time

From this thread a lot of it is just helplessness. Some people seem to genuinely think they CAN’T be on time. If they get up earlier they’ll be tired or still leave at the same time anyway. If they leave earlier then they might end up, shock horror, being a few minutes early and having to be the mug who waits for once which is obviously completely out of the question. Take some responsibility for yourself and what you choose to do! You aren’t being controlled by some outside force. If you start spring cleaning when you’re meant to be leaving that’s your choice!
There will be some complete mugs who will put up with you (still not a nice way to treat them) but most people will just stop inviting you to things.
And as for ‘I tell people I’ll be late so they don’t get there too early’. Have you though about just arranging to meet later rather than engaging in some kind of guessing game as to when both of you will/are supposed to turn up?

This thread has been a real eye opener to me, I posted thinking it may get a few responses, some of which would agree that friends being late is annoying, and others giving some potentially valid excuses as to why they are late but that they do actually feel bad about it.

As it turns out, this thread seems to have revealed that there is a large subset of society living amongst us whose symptoms are lateness but their affliction is selfishness, entitlement, and quite frankly delusion.

I cannot believe so many people actually think it acceptable to blame the on time person for expecting too much of the late person and that it is in someway our problem 😂 that if only we were more flexible or forgiving we would all be happier.

I know that if I were more "flexible" with some of my friends, that would do nothing but exacerbate the issue. If I was to say let's meet at 10, my friend would rock up at 1030-1045...if I was to say 10ish well, it could be hours. I would love to have time to waste regularly to stop this being an issue and sit there happily watching the time pass by, however all those things the late person just HAD to do which caused the lateness...guess what...I have those things to do also, except I have even less time because I wasted 30 minutes waiting for you!

Yes, I can see that for some it comes easier and more naturally to be on time, but there are lots of other things in my life that don't come naturally, like having food ready at a set time for example. I'm not a very accomplished cook, and do find it hard but I don't just sit back and think "fuck it, the kids can eat at midnight and everyone can just be hungry because you know me..." I try my best, acknowledge my flaws and put steps in place to stop this happening. And at the very least I would bloody apologise.

Wow, lateness used to annoy me, hence the thread, but now knowing the justification that those are giving for their lateness it is almost beyond tolerable.

As usual, NT people don't even try to understand invisible disabilities.

my MIL is late to every single social event and no amount of false start times or extra time allowed for travelling will encourage her to be on time. Start times are a guide for her and only something other people keep too. The world can wait until she's ready.....she's a bit on the spectrum too...but it's mainly because she thinks she's 'all that'. I think she's just rude. You can see you're not alone. Maybe your friend is my MIL!!!

Just don't tolerate it.

I don't have any 'late' friends.

If a pattern develops early on I just don't bother with that person.

If one of my friends is late now, I know that something has happened/come up and there will be a reason because none of them have form for stuffing around.

There is no way I would sit hungry/sick in a restaurant for an hour waiting, nor would I miss the start of something or have my kids waiting around before attending something. Ridiculous.

I’m the pregnant lady with the shit friends but in their defence they are usually excellent friends, not particularly known to be late. It was just a crappy unlucky day where all 4 parties were faffing around probably assuming the others were all there. I’m usually very easygoing but not that day, I felt really hurt and extra sorry for myself considering the effort I’d made to haul my heavily pregnant ass across London and be on time.

I do know people who are always late and I don’t cut them off but I do think they are a bit useless. Late people in my experience tend to be a bit faffy in more areas of life. I couldn’t live like that but maybe they’re happy to. It’s not the end of the world but it’s not great either.

Why didn't you just start dinner without them Hideandgo?

I would wait maybe 15 minutes in that situation, then order a starter and drink. If they were still not there I would decide whether I was going to continue with dinner on my own or just pack up and leave.

Your needs are as important as theirs.

No Philomena, people with disabilities that affect timekeeping are in the minority and I’m sure would get sympathy from most people as their issues would clearly affect them whether they were meeting up informally or getting to work on time each day for eg.
People who just can’t be bothered to put in the effort required by everyone to be on time such as getting less than an ideal amount of sleep to be up early enough or risking being a few minutes early are just selfish. And they are trying to conflate the 2 issues by saying some people just find it harder and you need to be understanding! Yes I’ll be understanding in genuine cases but not if you’re just a self absorbed pisstaker who refuses to put themselves out in any minor way to keep an appointment.