Help me understand people who are consistently late

[Namechangemum100]

I'm.meeting a friend today, I have deliberately told her the meet time is 30 minutes earlier than it should be as I know for sure she will be late, she always is.

I am one of those people who is always on time, I get ridiculous anxiety if I'm running late and it's just the way I am, but I find myself constantly waiting around for other people, and I just don't understand it.

If you are the type of person who is always late (15 minutes plus and excluding unavoidable traffic etc ), whats your reasoning? I have some friends who will actually say "oh I'll be late to xyz, you know me"...what does this mean?! How?! You know the time of meeting, why is it so hard? Some people will actually let me know they are "running late" at the actual meet time...how did you not forsee this situation 10-15 minutes ago and give a heads up?!

I'm not trying to be goady, if I understand the reasons why I think I might find it less frustrating.

One things that confuses me is the People on this thread who say things like

“ I can’t cope with meeting my friends at 7pm because that’s an exact time. So I just arrive 7-7:30 as that’s a much easier target and I’m only max 30 mins late so they can just suck it up “.

You don’t have to arrive at exactly 7pm . You have to arrive by 7pm at the latest . So if you make your 30 min target 630-7pm then you will be on time. It’s the same 30 mins.

The idea that you have to arrive at 1900 on the dot and not 18:59 is just nonsense.

We get up at 6:55am for 7:10am departure. Works fine.

How can you even have a shower and get dressed in that time?

Do you have DC - do they get up in that window too? Have breakfast?

My dp is a faffer.We are ready to leave for school but he has to wash the windows or mow the garden.Thus making the kids late.

Whereas when i brought the kids to school i be looking to leave the house at 8.20.School opens at 8.40 and we are 7 minutes away.(I know this because i timed it)

Its not easier for me,but it has to be done.Your kids cant be late everyday,its not fair on your kids,teachers or other kids being disrupted.

I'm never late and get in a lather if things don't go to plan. However I always have back up plans and dh is ex military so he is always on the dot exactly. We don't faff, we just kind of know and get on with things.

The dc are know/ told the schedule and get 10 min warnings.

If I think I'm going to be late I call at least an hour or so before and give the option of cancelling.

A friend once left me waiting st the bar for ages and when I asked her why she didn't turn up/ let me know said ' I was having fun so ' shit happens' which was so rude I couldn't think of anything to say!

longestlurkerever

I wouldn't even consider doing both. I'd assume the bbq will go on for quite a while and if I've said yes to that then that's what we'd be doing.

I don't really care that much if people are late. It's less of dealbreaker for me than it is for other people. I know that people have all kinds of stuff going on and even of they haven't, it just doesn't particularly bother me.

Being early however...totally different. I cannot be friends with people who are early. That's completely uncivilised!

At what point would the on time people make the decision to safeguard the contingency?

I would never have accepted the second invitation because to me they clashed. I would never arrange to attend two different events on one day.

The other thing people haven't really covered is why they persist in busting a gut never to be late for people who clearly dont expect this of them or appreciate it?

My experience with late people is that they very much do expect me to be on time. Even if they are not. So, on the offchance that this is the one time that they actually are on time, I feel obliged to be on time just in case. I also don't want it ever thrown up to me 'well, you're always late too'.

As I've said all throughout the thread, I don't care about five or ten minutes. But I very much care about people turning up an hour late etc.

I think that's what I meant though - I over commit. In order to give myself more time I need to reduce my commitments. But that would mean saying no to more stuff - socially, workwise and stuff I do for other people. This would mean I'm late less, but it also would mean I'm less available - it's not a choice without consequences. Personally I'd quite like it if my good friend was able to make it to my 40th, even if there was a risk they'd be late, because i don't put such a premium on punctuality as you, but I recognise not everyone has the same preferences, and would adjust my behaviour accordingly. People are different, and aren't necessarily awful people because they make different choices to you. But if you have incompatible expectations then you are going to cause each other stress.

treaclesoda I think that one is on you. Honestly I do. Either your friends are shits and you are letting them walk all over you, or you are trying to maintain some moral high ground for your own reasons.

ADHD

Either your friends are shits and you are letting them walk all over you, or you are trying to maintain some moral high ground for your own reasons.

Not at all. I don't let my friends treat me like this because I eventually stopped contact with the couple of friends who couldn't be arsed actually turning up when they said they were going to meet me.

But I have a couple of relatives who I have no choice but to associate with. And there would be a screaming tantrum of epic proportions (from a middle aged woman) if I were to be late meeting her. And then everyone would take her side and say 'well, that's just how she is!'. Because she has been indulged her entire life. I try not to meet her either, actually, and just visit her at her own house. But when I was younger and more compliant I often suffered from either the enforced standing in the rain/sitting in a restaurant with the waiting staff asking repeatedly if I wanted to go ahead and order or else I arrived later and got the 'how dare you' followed by weeks of silent treatment. So no, it's not deliberately being an arse about the moral high ground, it's that the fury I feel at being made to wait isn't as difficult as the consequences of her arriving first.

Sorry, I said a couple. They are a couple, but it is the woman in the couple who drives the lateness.

If driving then traffic might be worse than expected and they can't text.
Otherwise I presume its just down to being unorganised, and someone who is unorganised probably isn't as good at checking the time and preplanning so may think they're running on time then realise.

If I have the DC with me I'm sometimes late too, eg if older one is walking slowly/messing around or if leaving the house takes longer than I'd calculated for. But then when going places with the DC to play with friends DC I'll usually say 'around 10' or 'between 10-10.15' etc, there's no need to arrange meeting up to the minute for something casual.

treaclesoda well she sounds terrible. I don't think there's any point in trying to understand her.

I also have ADHD but, as I described in an earlier post, I've developed coping strategies. Being consistently late is unacceptable and downright rude.

And I hate being early because I get hugely anxious if I am sitting waiting doing nothing because I start stressing about all the things I need to/could be doing.

But it's okay for to make someone else sit there doing nothing while they're waiting for you?

I find lateness really upsetting. If someone is late (5-10 mins I can cope with) I don't want to see them nor to continue with what we'd planned to do. My friends are single and childless - I can be on time, why can't they? It feels so disrespectful, so rude, so, 'Well I don't care tuppence about you, you can just wait.' I started a rule for myself I'd wait 15 mins and then go home or to wherever was planned. Unpunctual 'friends' found this very annoying and got very huffy. Good. It works both ways.

I’m a very anxious person and have been late for various anxiety related reasons. Mostly, I look in mirror just before I leave and think ah no I’ve put wrong outfit on then run around putting another one on, sometimes I’ll look out the window see one person without a coat and think ah it’s too hot for what I’m wearing, off I go to change again.

Sometimes I’m panicking about where the entrance to a new venue is for example a cafe I haven’t been to so I’ll panic last minute and google an entrance and end up being late.
I also have a habit of taking google times as 100% ok to just leave at the exact time without taking into account I may need to leave a little bit early just in case.
Before google if I had a job interview I would travel miles the night before to check where the front door was just to make sure I wasn’t late!!

I have never told anyone how difficult I find it to just get somewhere on time. To think some of my friends would dump me just because of this would really be upsetting. I tell them you know me I’m always late to help them not get somewhere too early. If someone’s waiting for me I apologise. If you’re waiting too long maybe you try to deal with your anxiety as well, if you wish to maintain the friendship ask them to text you when they’ve left. Or even arrange to meet in the car park/bus stop whatever?

I have never told anyone how difficult I find it to just get somewhere on time

Well perhaps you should, otherwise they'll think you're just rude / don't give a shit about being on time for them.

You know that Google times have a tendency to keep you late - you are aware of that. So you know you need to leave more time than it says but choose not to.
And as for the poster who says her dh sometimes can’t drive her because he needs naps so she has to wait for him to wake - get an Uber!
Surely it would be easier to just leave early enough to be on time than to convince yourself of some of the ludicrous excuses we have seen on here as to why it’s impossible.

I also have a habit of taking google times as 100% ok to just leave at the exact time without taking into account I may need to leave a little bit early just in case.

This is just

I can understand that happening once, maybe twice. But any more than that defies logic.

I tell them you know me I’m always late to help them not get somewhere too early.

But what does this mean. That they should arrive 10 mins late? 15 mins? 30? An hour?

And how are people expected to recall your particular late arrival quirk (say 'only' 30 mins), a opposed to Friend B's late arrival quirk (an hour)?

Oh, probably because people who arrive on time are so much more 'together' and 'organised' that they just automatically store all this stuff in their brains.

And do you not think you are causing real anxiety to the people waiting for you? Or should the understanding only go one way?

I have quite a few people in my life that are constantly late for different reasons. I won't hang around for them and let it affect me/us and try and manage each situation differently. I notice that a few of these people turn up late because they started doing something just before our meeting. E.g. one friend and her DH were meant to come over for dinner at 7.30pm. They arrived at 9.30pm. Her DH was fuming and said that she started writing an essay at 7pm and didn't finish what she was doing until 9.15pm. I just don't get why you would do that?

If someone is late I will send them a message saying "I'm around. Let me know when you get here" and then I'll go get a coffee or go the shops. When they eventually arrive they usually are pissed off because I wasn't waiting. I don't get that. One arrived 1.5 hours late and kicked off because DS and I had already been into the venue and done most of it.

If someone is late I will send them a message saying "I'm around. Let me know when you get here" and then I'll go get a coffee or go the shops. When they eventually arrive they usually are pissed off because I wasn't waiting. I don't get that. One arrived 1.5 hours late and kicked off because DS and I had already been into the venue and done most of it

That attitude tells you all you need to know. They really do expect you to waste your time energy and money waiting.

As a pp said if the need more fluid arrangements to avoid the stress then why not give themselves 40 mins before the deadline rather than 40 minutes after.

They won't wait for us. That's why. They would rather we wait an hour for them than they have to wait 30 seconds for us.thays how much we mean to them

As with every aspect of life, some people just function better than others.