Help me understand people who are consistently late

[Namechangemum100]

I'm.meeting a friend today, I have deliberately told her the meet time is 30 minutes earlier than it should be as I know for sure she will be late, she always is.

I am one of those people who is always on time, I get ridiculous anxiety if I'm running late and it's just the way I am, but I find myself constantly waiting around for other people, and I just don't understand it.

If you are the type of person who is always late (15 minutes plus and excluding unavoidable traffic etc ), whats your reasoning? I have some friends who will actually say "oh I'll be late to xyz, you know me"...what does this mean?! How?! You know the time of meeting, why is it so hard? Some people will actually let me know they are "running late" at the actual meet time...how did you not forsee this situation 10-15 minutes ago and give a heads up?!

I'm not trying to be goady, if I understand the reasons why I think I might find it less frustrating.

If one of your kids is making you late.You the parent gets up earlier,and by passes the problem.

My getting up early makes no difference when I'm standing waiting for him. But it's lucky you are perfect, apart from your spelling of bollocks.

It's a fault in my system

This is the attitude I get from my DM when she has left me and the kids standing in the rain waiting for her for an hour. Why lie and say you are coming? Why not just accept the truth - sorry I can’t do that thing because there’s only a 30% chance I’ll be there. It saves so much stress for other people and let’s everyone know they can either cancel or they need a back up plan in case you don’t come. It’s very sad to have all your anxiety caused by another person, who then can only say “it’s the way I am”. Very dismissive of the stress you’ve caused others

Reading this thread has reinforced for me that it's a bit about how you think. I am always optimistic that things will take the minimum amount of time possible - if Google says it's a 35 min journey then I leave 35 mins. I also, like another poster, say yes to too many things so then have back to back appointments. This is a flaw, yes, but hopefully one that has a few benefits for other people on occasion too.

I'm sorry that your DM causes that stress to you and leaves you hanging around. I'm almost always late, yes, but by 5-10 minutes. My friends and family know this and it's really not a big deal to any of them. You can't judge me by your experiences and expect everyone I know to feel the same as you either though, I'm afraid

This is the attitude I get from my DM when she has left me and the kids standing in the rain waiting for her for an hour.

If you know your mother has form for being late (and that late) why do you make plans that involve the possibility of standing around waiting (regardless of weather)?

If you know your mother has form for being late (and that late) why do you make plans that involve the possibility of standing around waiting (regardless of weather)?

I'd guess because they feel the need to be on time just in case her mother is actually there on time. I know that my perpetually late relative would be in a fury if they turned up and I wasn't actually there. Similarly they would be most offended if you said 'can we meet somewhere else, I don't want to be waiting on a park bench' because they would be so offended because it's not their fault etc

I just don't meet my relative at all any more. I only visit her at her own house so that I can't be left waiting.

But I can imagine that for other situations it's not as easy as that.

I used to be chronically late because I'd get distracted. I don't seem to have a reliable sense of time passing. Eventually the stress and panic I'd feel by my lateness forced me to find ways of making sure it didn't occur. So there are clocks (analog) in almost every room of my house, for clear visual reminders of time passing, and I even use an egg timer when showering or getting ready. Every appointment is added to my phone calendar app. Then I've set an alarm on the phone to remind me to be ready half an hour before I need to leave. My phone calendar/appointment booking is linked to google maps, which is a godsend for me.

Totally agree with you. I hate being late, I get anxious esp if I can’t contact the person - driving for example.
When I had young children I was still on time as I’d just factor the time in for someone needing the loo, etc.
Then when I am late people worry as it’s so unusual (stuck in bad traffic or train issues).
Obviously more ‘casual’ gatherings like a party where it’s ‘from 8pm’ I’d likely get there by 8.30 for example.

So many people on this thread saying 'the reason why I'm always late is xyz' - but then they keep on doing xyz

That's exactly what I've been saying. It's very hard to have sympathy tbh when people claim they can't physically judge time etc But still insist on doin the same shit that makes them late every single time. The same jobs no doubt that the person they are meeting up with left themselves to have to do when they get back or get up earlier to do the following day, I'm order to meet the friend. How is that not a choice. And how can people say that it has nothing to do with them thinking their time is more important when they chose a bath or a 2 week old headline over said friemd every single time.

And what's this not saying no stuff? Isn't the word no how arrangements come about in the first place? "Are you about Tuesday, I have the afternoon off we could go see that film? " response "NO, I cant do Tuesday what about Sunday?" How can you be a people pleaser whilst simultaneously lying to them and letting them down?

My confession is I am a dilly dallier. I start getting ready to go ages before because I know I will get distracted by something. I have worked really hard to improve my timekeeping over the years but I still lose track of time and end up running late. I think there is just something wrong with me. My friends all add 30 mins on the the time as well cause they know I'll be late.

JassyRadlett nice, a bit of victim blaming there! Its not my fault she was late. It’s not my fault anyone is late except me. So many people on this thread looking for something to blame except themselves and then eventually just saying “oh well, it’s jusg how I am” which just sound like “I’m a shit friend and a bit of a bitch but I’ve accepted it.” I waited at the loca cafe actually, to see exactly how long she would leave her grandchildren standing in the rain.

Are you also massively late and then blame the person you have inconvenienced for being on time? When your friends arent there anymore, ask yourself why. I’m sure you’ll find a way to blame them.

my yes theres alot of blaming the friend here.

We make it too stressful for them by asking them out in the first place. We are the cause of anxiety because they couldn't say no to us. Or they keep looking for signs we are annoyed then entire meeting. We k is what they are like so just be late yourselves etc god if this is how you treat your friends is hate to be your enemy tbh

I was an always late person and it didn't help that through most of my career I had a job where it didn't really matter if I was a bit late. In my early 30s I first read that being constantly late is a sign of disrespect for the person you are meeting as it means you think your time is more important than that of the person you are meeting. It blew my mind as I never, ever looked at it from that perspective, so I started to make a much better effort to be on time.

When my DS was very young I moved nearer my parents and I realised that for the first time that they are utterly appalling time keepers. It just blew my mind to realise that my crappy time-keeping was, to some extent, learned behaviour. And it's certainly made me conscious of the fact that my DS will just learn this crappy behaviour from me if I don't show him a better example.

He started school recently and the school is a bit of a commute away. I was absolutely dreading the time-keeping aspect of it. But I'm so happy to say that so far our time keeping is completely excellent. We're always the first or second to arrive in the morning and I'm almost always the first one there to collect him. I'm actually feeling inordinately proud of myself. The other parents who don't know me think I'm a really good time-keeper. They don't know that I'm striving really hard against type to be a better example for DS. But it does feel really, really good to be breaking such a bad habit and I'm super determined to keep it up.

That's exactly what I've been saying. It's very hard to have sympathy tbh
Thing is, the OP asked for reasons why people are always late. Not for people to decide whether or not the reasons are valid or not, and I cant speak for everyone but I assume that everyone else who gave reasons is the same, in that they don't expect "sympathy" for their reasons for lateness. They're just reasons/explanations.
I've also worked really hard on my time keeping and I'm a lot better than I used to be in that when I am late it's only a few minutes now, but I always will be one of those people who are just a bit late for stuff. Luckily my friends and family seem to like me enough to accept this fault, in much the same way I accept their varyung faults, even if they are always on time

I'd guess because they feel the need to be on time just in case her mother is actually there on time. I know that my perpetually late relative would be in a fury if they turned up and I wasn't actually there. Similarly they would be most offended if you said 'can we meet somewhere else, I don't want to be waiting on a park bench' because they would be so offended because it's not their fault etc

But the waiters are pissed off and upset either way, so why not tackle the issue head on, once, so that they don’t have to put up with the repeated angst? It doesn’t need to be massively late confrontational: ‘no, it’ll work better for us if you come here first and then we’ll all go on together.’ ‘If we get here first we’ll start going round the museum/go to the playground/go round the shops, text us when you arrive and if you get here first do likewise.’

We do this with my PILs. If we are doing something external, we go to theirs first or arrange to meet them at the venue. If we are meeting for a meal we arrange to meet earlier for a drink, and make it clear the kids will need to eat at whatever time.

If people aren’t willing to deal with unpleasantness by communicating properly with the people in their lives and making changes that are the natural consequence of a person’s consistent extreme lateness, I’ll admit I have little sympathy or patience for their frustration.

Thing is, the OP asked for reasons why people are always late. Not for people to decide whether or not the reasons are valid or not, and I cant speak for everyone but I assume that everyone else who gave reasons is the same, in that they don't expect "sympathy"

I think the reasons are very interesting the. Eveeyone is protesting their innocence in the "I don't think my time is more important" stakes however when solutions are offered it then turns out that there are reasons why the reasons why can't he solved and when they show the break down of how it happens it all boils down to the same things. They are choosing to prioritise anything from.face packs to old news papers over their friends. Which is very easily rectified by just not.

Only one.person has actually been honest and said they don't want to.

JassyRadlett nice, a bit of victim blaming there! Its not my fault she was late. It’s not my fault anyone is late except me. So many people on this thread looking for something to blame except themselves and then eventually just saying “oh well, it’s jusg how I am” which just sound like “I’m a shit friend and a bit of a bitch but I’ve accepted it.” I waited at the loca cafe actually, to see exactly how long she would leave her grandchildren standing in the rain.

Oh please, it’s not victim blaming - how ridiculously dramatic and insulting to real victims. You know what your mother is like, as I know what my PILs are like. I have taken control of the format of our social interactions so that we are no longer waiting around with nothing to do when they are late.

You cannot control your mother’a lateness. That’s on her. You can control how you and your kids interact with her so you’re not waiting for an hour in the rain. That’s on you and it’s your choice. Saying ‘but I shouldn’t have to!’ doesnt deal with the issue or reduce your inconvenience or frustration. You have a choice of whether to be a martyr at the altar of The Way Things Should Be, or whether to shrug it off and make plans that work better for you.

Are you also massively late and then blame the person you have inconvenienced for being on time? When your friends arent there anymore, ask yourself why. I’m sure you’ll find a way to blame them.

No, as I’ve said (repeatedly) on the thread, I find it fairly easy to be punctual. Why is it hard for people to get their heads around the idea that people can be punctual and still have some understanding/empathy for those that aren’t?

I accept all kinds of faults with my friemds as do my friemds with me. But being far less important than rearranging the fridge or throwing out a newspaper and being left hanging around fir ages I dont think I could get past that.

In my case I did tackle it by just refusing to meet in public places.

But I can understand that with family dynamics the way they are for a lot of people it's probably not just as easy as saying 'we're doing this, ring us when you arrive', if the consequences of that are anger, defensiveness etc.

Some people tend to just work to their own time. I'm like you and get anxious if I even think I'm going to be late but my in laws (all of them) are always late. It used to annoy me but I've realised there's no malice to it, they are just are 'leave it to the last minute' people so rather than try and fix the situation I do as you do and adjust times and say I want to meet earlier knowing they'll be late. I also turn up late to their house now. You can bet your bottom dollar that if they say dinner will be at six it'll be at seven so I wait for them to call me and chase me and then head off!

They are choosing to prioritise anything from.face packs to old news papers over their friends. Which is very easily rectified by just not.

I think this is a really interesting one and gets to the crux of some of the issues, and that’s the idea that this is a conscious choice people are making. I see it in my DH - he is more easily distractable, gets more easily lost in his thoughts and loses track of time more easily than I do. Probably some nature, and some the way he was raised. I’m almost always aware of the passage of time, by contrast, and don’t get easily distracted. He isn’t making a conscious choice of ‘I’ll stand here and contemplate this interesting issue and therefore be late’, and he’s massively better than he used to be at avoiding the situation, but understanding that he finds it harder than me, and why, has been a revelation.

I see it in my kids. DS1 could faff for Britain. Forgets things, gets distracted by five things that are incredibly important and that change the immediate priority in his head. DS2 is mission focused. Shoes on, coat on, let’s go, pushes DS1 back out the door when he tries to go back for yet another vital thing he needs to do. Training DS1 in this is a hell of a lot harder than DS2.

There are things you can control and things you can't OP.
Why it get over it. Or just don't hang out with late people?

Not wanting to be in time because that means you might have been late sounds like you have some pretty bad anxiety issues

Thing is, the OP asked for reasons why people are always late. Not for people to decide whether or not the reasons are valid or not, and I cant speak for everyone but I assume that everyone else who gave reasons is the same, in that they don't expect "sympathy"

THIS.

Only one.person has actually been honest and said they don't want to

No, only one person has validated what you've already concluded. That's not the same. I've got feck all reason to be dishonest on a forum nobody knows who I am in person, and I'd bet many are the same.