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Original poster

Help me understand people who are consistently late

962 replies

Namechangemum100 · 14/09/2018 12:34

I'm.meeting a friend today, I have deliberately told her the meet time is 30 minutes earlier than it should be as I know for sure she will be late, she always is.

I am one of those people who is always on time, I get ridiculous anxiety if I'm running late and it's just the way I am, but I find myself constantly waiting around for other people, and I just don't understand it.

If you are the type of person who is always late (15 minutes plus and excluding unavoidable traffic etc ), whats your reasoning? I have some friends who will actually say "oh I'll be late to xyz, you know me"...what does this mean?! How?! You know the time of meeting, why is it so hard? Some people will actually let me know they are "running late" at the actual meet time...how did you not forsee this situation 10-15 minutes ago and give a heads up?!

I'm not trying to be goady, if I understand the reasons why I think I might find it less frustrating.

OP posts:
someonekillbabyshark · 16/09/2018 11:27

I really can't understand it either again I get anxious if I think I'm going to be late. My mum
Is always late she says it cause she has 3 kids, I often her have 3 kids plus my own for days at a time and I'm still never late HmmHmm

0hCrepe · 16/09/2018 11:36

My friend is always late (averages about an hour) and cancels all the time as well. Various reasons-
Poor time management/ estimation how long it takes to do things.
Does things slowly
Hopeless at making decisions so will agonise over what to buy, constantly takes things back etc. This adds a lot of time. It also means she sometimes ends up with a few options of what to do and finds it hard to honour the first one or at least opt for one and stick to it. So ends up trying to do both a bit or flakes on both.
Has a demanding mother and 2/4 kids who she has to do things for as a priority.
Gets anxious about going out.
Is often hungover/ tired /ill.
Knows I’ll put up with it.

TheKitchenWitch · 16/09/2018 11:57

Being late for one-off events is massively annoying and yes, I do think it's rude if you don't make the effort to calcute the correct time it will take you to get there (ESPECIALLY if you are aware that you're a late person), but people who are consitantly late for the same fucking things day in and day out? How? How can you ALWAYS be 10 minutes late for school pick up?

Both my MIL and one SIL are always late. It has taken me years to get used to it and factor it in when planning something (like a pp I don't tell my dc when their grandmother is supposed to be comng over as they may well be in bed before she actually gets here).

I arranged to meet my SIL and her dd at a national trust-type place a few weeks ago as they have a great place for kids in the gardens, it's a themed thing you walk around and get to go on various rides etc. I specifically asker her what time SHE would like to meet.
Anyway, on the way there I said to ds1 how late do you reckon your aunt will be? and we had a little bet on it. I said half and hour, he said 1 hour.

So we got there, and just as we arrived she messaged to say they were running late and would be leaving soon, so probably be about half an hour late....yeah right.

We waited, went in, did the whole walk thing, went on everything and were having lunch when she eventually turned up, almost 2 hours late.

There was a time I'd have been sitting waiting for her the whole time, fuming, with 2 very excited and restless dc. But I have learned not to take her into account any more. We'd had a lovely time. We finished lunch together and then dc and I went home because I wasn't going to do the whole thing again (dc weren't interested either).

Tbh if she was a friend I'd have dropped her by now, because really I don't have entire days or afternoons to waste hanging around waiting to do something that should only take a couple of hours. But she's family, so I arrange things which I know I can do on my own, and if she's coming round then I don't stress when she's not here as planned.
We are always on time to hers - interestingly, we turned up there on Thursday afternoon at 3pm, as invited, only to see her setting off to the shops to buy drinks......:D :D :D

HopeGarden · 16/09/2018 12:01

I do wonder if some habitually late people were brought up by habitually late parents, and therefore see lateness as “normal” - and as a result don’t really see why anyone else would be all that bothered about lateness.

QuizzlyBear · 16/09/2018 12:04

My older DB is ridiculously late for any family occasion. We have fairly frequent family bbqs for birthdays and special occasions and every single time he and his family turn up hours later than the start time. This results in there being very little food left (if it's not nailed down in my wider family, it's consumed), the bbq itself finished and often some family members preparing to go home shortly after he arrives.

He takes massive exception to this and gets very angry at the 'rudeness' of not staying to socialise with his family and not either saving large quantities of food or starting up the bbq all over again for them.

The last time I gave him a 'false deadline' an hour earlier than everyone else and he finally showed up an hour and a half after them. Traffic issues, apparently.

Honestly I'm tempted to start not including them on some family occasions because it causes so much more stress, though I adore my niece and nephew and don't want them missing out on family time because their dad thinks the world revolves around him...

Gileswithachainsaw · 16/09/2018 12:13

I do wonder if some habitually late people were brought up by habitually late parents, and therefore see lateness as “normal” - and as a result don’t really see why anyone else would be all that bothered about lateness

My family were always late. It was quite stressful so I can't bare to he late myself.

Well I say they are always late but it could be that they always tell me the wrong time because they worry I'll be late Hmm I have never been late to a family get together. I'm always waiting for them.

I remember as a teen they'd tell me they we were going to see X and to cone straight home after school or my paper round. So if rush around doing my paper round in the fastest time possible. I'd not go meet my friend and help her with hers.id cycle up that hill as fast as I possibly could to get home.only to find them all still in bed when I got home.needless to say by the time we actually left I could have stroked all the cats on my round , gone to meet my friend and have still be home in plenty of time.

When we were going to a wedding they kept going on and on and on about not being late. I dumped the kids on friends at the school gates. I had the quickest bath known to man got round there and they weren't even dressed. They then said they told me that time so I wouldn't be late. I'm not late ffs. As it happened instead of getting ready they faffed to high heaven turned the focus onto my brother who was late and of course were then late leaving. We got the blame because they were stressed and late waiting for us. Hmm

Far to much stress I won't do that to my kids

Shampaincharly · 16/09/2018 12:13

No @HopeGarden. This is not the case .

JassyRadlett · 16/09/2018 12:16

I do wonder if some habitually late people were brought up by habitually late parents, and therefore see lateness as “normal” - and as a result don’t really see why anyone else would be all that bothered about lateness.

Definitely the case in DH’s family and was the source of conflict for us early in our relationship.

Shampain, I admire your utter certainty that it’s never a factor, ever. Can you elaborate on how you know?

Shampaincharly · 16/09/2018 12:18

My husband is ALWAYS late.
His parents are not like that at all , so he was not brought up like that .

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 16/09/2018 12:19

@QuizzlyBear I wouldn't invite your brother anymore either! Why should you al starve for hours and miss out on fun because he can't tell the time.

JassyRadlett · 16/09/2018 12:22

His parents are not like that at all , so he was not brought up like that .

But... you get that your experience is not universal, right? And that people are different, with different drivers, motivations and backgrounds to their behaviour?

TheNavigator · 16/09/2018 12:28

What I think is hilarious is all the late people trying to pretend is beacuse they are such utterly lovely 'people pleasers' that they fuck their friends and family around - the self delusion is astounding! People pleasers don't massively inconvenience other people, then blame the other people for being inconvenienced because 'I just can't say no/they should know what I am like'.

Shampaincharly · 16/09/2018 12:34

I did previously write that everyone is different:
Some are always late: Some always early : Some right on time .
At work there is an appointment system
and there are some people we tell them the appointment is 30 , 15 minutes before the actual appointment in the HOPE that they
are going to arrive on time. We know they will still be late.
I was just writing a response to hope garden who said it was the way they are brought up.
Maybe in some cases it is .
In my husband’s case it is not .

SendintheArdwolves · 16/09/2018 12:35

Also the trilling "I'm an eternal optimist about how much I can get done!"

It's kind of....bizarre to see adults saying it like it's kooky or charming

Shampaincharly · 16/09/2018 12:37

I would be the last person to say that everyone was the same .

JassyRadlett · 16/09/2018 12:45

I was just writing a response to hope garden who said it was the way they are brought up.

Ok - hope did say ‘some habitually late people’ so was really clear in not saying all, which is why I was taken aback by your response of ‘that is not the case’. I get where the misunderstanding occurred now, and I agree there is no chance there is a universal answer to why late people are the way they are.

Shampaincharly · 16/09/2018 12:48

@JassyRadlett , I did not mean it was NEVER a factor.

Shampaincharly · 16/09/2018 12:49

Apologies for the misunderstanding @JassyRadlett

longestlurkerever · 16/09/2018 12:50

I just think everyone is being a bit martyrish. I used to be like you, sitting on my own huffing about my superior organisation skills and guess what it got me nowhere so I adjusted my behaviour. Like now - I'm on my way to meet habitually late friend. We are both 30 mins late but I managed to take a quick detour so I now have what I need for later on. No one has died and we are all happy. Would I do this to stressy punctual friend? No, but I kind of prefer meeting more flexible friend, knowing it cuts both ways

Shampaincharly · 16/09/2018 12:51

Obviously missed out the”some” in my reading of the post.

JassyRadlett · 16/09/2018 12:55

Obviously missed out the”some” in my reading of the post.

Easy to do, and I’m sorry I was snarky about it!

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 16/09/2018 13:18

Wow you "early" people sound like you are so much fun to hang out with 👍

Also it must be hard feeling so superior all the time.

#getthefuckoverit

Gileswithachainsaw · 16/09/2018 13:30

No one's feeling superior.

But what patronising bull shit to just "get over it" when people turn down shifts at work, call in favours for childcare, left themselves a ton of shit to do, gone without to finance it, and spent ages sat on their todd drinking 3 pound coffees, and had to pay for extra time on the parking all so someone can decide that's less important than cleaning out the dog bowl.

What, you dont think we are as tired hungry busy skint stressed as everyone else?

RossPoldarkfan · 16/09/2018 13:34

The people I know who are consistently very late are the people who are very disorganised. I find this level of disorganisation hard to understand and deal with, particularly when there is an important event such as a wedding or funeral.

JassyRadlett · 16/09/2018 13:37

You keep using the word ‘decide’, Giles. Do you honestly always believe it’s a conscious choice?

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