Help me understand people who are consistently late

[Namechangemum100]

I'm.meeting a friend today, I have deliberately told her the meet time is 30 minutes earlier than it should be as I know for sure she will be late, she always is.

I am one of those people who is always on time, I get ridiculous anxiety if I'm running late and it's just the way I am, but I find myself constantly waiting around for other people, and I just don't understand it.

If you are the type of person who is always late (15 minutes plus and excluding unavoidable traffic etc ), whats your reasoning? I have some friends who will actually say "oh I'll be late to xyz, you know me"...what does this mean?! How?! You know the time of meeting, why is it so hard? Some people will actually let me know they are "running late" at the actual meet time...how did you not forsee this situation 10-15 minutes ago and give a heads up?!

I'm not trying to be goady, if I understand the reasons why I think I might find it less frustrating.

@jassyradlett...oops forgot to tag you, the irony 😂

Here’s the thing. You value timeliness, hate other people being late and in the absence of disability find it unconditionally disrespectful. I get that because, as I said upthread, I used to think that way too. I’ve changed over the years and know that the things that take effort for me to do to be on time are actually much harder for others, whether by nature or the values they were raised with.

The parallel between punctuality and the name thing is a pretty good one.

You appear to place less value on spelling names correctly, which is why I raised it - I wouldn’t have in the normal course of things. The number of times my name’s been misspelled on mumsnet over the years. I always notice, my gut reaction is to think less of the person and think they’re trying to make a point or can’t be arsed. And then I pull myself up, pull my head out of my arse and remind myself that it’s probably not a statement on what the person thinks about me, and that many people will find accurately remembering transcribing usernames more difficult than I do, or place less value than I do on getting people’s names right. And that’s actually fine, and it’s probably not about me.

SIL is like this. Late for everything. No real excuse either.
She takes up to a year to reply to DH emails also, cos you know she's busy!! We're all bloody busy.

With SIL it's more about her own importance, etc. It's demonstrated in her communications also because you make time for what's important to you.

Obvs some people will have a harder time disabled family members etc.

I completely agree with JassyRadlett.

I think it is more complex than the disrespect that the perfectly punctual seem to be assuming. If you can't see past yourselves being 'disrespected', I think you're missing legitimate reasons, including ADHD and ASD and also the fact that not everyone is like you.

I think JessyRadlett sounds like a selfish inconsiderate baggage, so there you go - aren't differences of opinions interesting!

I'm dypraxic - I hate that I'm always late but I am. I've only just started to realise that if I need to be somewhere at 9.15 then I will Be late entering the room if I plan to park the car at 9.10.

@jassyradlett... Personally, I think allowing someone you supposedly value as a friend to continually stand around waiting for you on a regular basis is just marginally worse than misspelling a perfect strangers username...because you know...logic, but I guess we'll just agree to disagree.

I think JessyRadlett sounds like a selfish inconsiderate baggage, so there you go - aren't differences of opinions interesting!

Ah lovely! Any basis for it, or just ‘I do not like thee Doctor Fell’? It’s the selfish and inconsiderate that interests me most - curiously specific. I’m fascinated.

Personally, I think allowing someone you supposedly value as a friend to continually stand around waiting for you on a regular basis is just marginally worse than misspelling a perfect strangers username...because you know...logic, but I guess we'll just agree to disagree.

Oh now, you can’t have that, I thought we were dealing in absolutes of either respect or disrespect with no shades of grey!

Seriously, I value my friends more than 15 minutes of my time, so I’ll usually ty to accommodate their lateness with no ill-will. If it’s people who are habitually incredibly late, I plan around the fact it’s likely to happen. Looking at my in-laws who are habitually an hour or more late; I know they love us but timekeeping is not important to them and the more you rush my FIL the worse he is. No malice, just a mix of not valuing it and then getting flustered when late. So we don’t make plans that involve eating straight away, or anything that will involve waiting around bored or time-critical activities. Flexibility.

Why do you get so anxious about being on time for people though? I do kind of get what you're saying about disrespect. I used to be a very punctual person, but it didn't really pay off. I was always hanging around. So I adjusted my behaviour to be more like most people I meet. It turns out a bit of give and take is fine. If I'm early I have my phone or book to pass away the time so I don't mind. If I'm late my friend understands because she often is too. Mutual tolerance and understanding. This is actually a nicer way to live overall than being anxious about the odd 10 mins and building in contingency all the time and it isn't disrespectful if it's based on mutual acceptance.. If you can't beat them join them.

Both my DP and his mother are late for everything. They miss coaches, trains, late for work, everything. They reckon they just don't have a concept of time.

Recently came to blows with MIL because she couldn't understand how there wasn't enough time to go to the bowling alley and then cook a big roastie in 3 hours, to get her to her coach on time. She couldn't process the time constraints at all.

I'm an on time person and always calculate time needed to do things backwards.

"Coach station by 6.50pm so need to set off at 6.30pm, so need to start eating at 6pm, so need to start cooking it at 3pm latest" etc..

I never said I was always late, thanks. My point was that it is harder to control other people once they get beyond toddler age
Thats bollix, how do you think kids get to be at school i
On time.
If one of your kids is making you late.You the parent gets up earlier,and by passes the problem.

I also had 2 under 2,and then 3 under 3 1/2.I was very rarely late.Because i gave myself
We all have crap happen hut dont blame your kids when its basically down to you.

Lateness isn't so bad perhaps if you're planning to spend the day with someone, though still annoying if it's just because the other person's disorganised.

But if you're just meeting for coffee or lunch, and one of you has to leave at a specific time for some reason, then one person being more than say fifteen minutes late really cuts into the time you have together, to the point where it's sometimes just not worth it.

I once travelled about 45 minutes to meet a (habitually late) friend for lunch. I was expecting a leisurely meal and catch up in an Italian restaurant. She arrived nearly an hour late, announced she had to be on her way home by 4.00, and didn't want lunch because she'd had something to eat before starting out. She only wanted coffee, but I'd had two cups while waiting for her, and I did want lunch, because I hadn't had anything to eat.

I'm always late. I lose my keys. GET out of the house and into my car with just enough time to get to the destination and then realise I have forgotten something so have to walk from my car parked somewhere one the street (probably not that close to the house as parking is terrible) unlock the house, get what I want and walk back which adds ~5 mins and I'm now late. I also have anxiety but it makes me hate being too early and lurking around so I aim to leave to get somewhere bang on time which often backfires. Err...I also often look at the time and think "10 mins til I need to go, enough time to check mumsnet/babycentre/reddit" and then I get involved in it and oh shit, I needed to leave 5 minutes ago.
In short, I'm a disorganised mess and that's why I'm usually late. If it makes you feel any better, I'm never ever late because I don't think the person I'm meeting is worth making the effort to be on time for. It's all to do with my organisational and time keeping skills

I used to be late a lot. Including missed flights etc (I travel a lot for work).

The main reason is that I was a people pleaser and hopeless at saying ‘no’ for a long time so my diary always ended up way too overcrowded and I’d be running late all day with no time for lunch or travel. I’m much better at managing my boundaries now and giving myself time to get from one thing to another (which actually involves putting myself first, so I’m not rushing, rather than putting others first).

I am always early, I work backwards to allow myself enough time
But in my job breaks are timed to the second and two incidents of lateness will mean losing your bonus so...

I'm always late. I lose my keys. GET out of the house and into my car with just enough time to get to the destination and then realise I have forgotten something.... In short, I'm a disorganised mess and that's why I'm usually late.

Another person who can never find their keys. Why is it so hard to have a specific place to keep your keys, and put them there as soon as you get in the door? And sort out what you need to take with you the evening before, and put it in the car or by the front door?

Err...I also often look at the time and think "10 mins til I need to go, enough time to check mumsnet/babycentre/reddit" and then I get involved in it and oh shit, I needed to leave 5 minutes ago.

Surely if this has happened more than once, you've learned that ten minutes before you need to go out is not the time to start checking Mumsnet?

So many people on this thread saying 'the reason why I'm always late is xyz' - but then they keep on doing xyz.

I genuinely feel for people who experience anxiety about time keeping etc. Either mh related or as pp's have said related to their autism. I have anxiety and know it is debilitating.

However I do know people where I know this is not the case. My mum for example simply die not value being on time. My aunt and uncle are regularly about an hour late to family gatherings. I know this is just because they are chaotic.

I had a friend at uni who was chronically late for stuff but on time for lectures etc. She was a mature student so had managed to hold down a job and raise a child with all of the time keeping that involved. She claimed she had no internal clock yet as I said could be on time. Perhaps those time took such effort she couldn't be bothered the rest of the time. It was really annoying she could be over an hour late. She was also really forgetful for example if we were having a shared lunch she would often not remember what she said she would bring or bring any old random thing.

When it's just me, or me and my DC we're on time. Mostly because I start to get ready at the appointed time (normally at least an hour before we actually need to leave) and don't take any shit. Add in my procrastinating, easily distracted, doesn't realise how long things take DH and we're easily 15 minutes late.

It seems so easy doesn't it. OP wants to know reasons, I gave mine.
I do sort lunches, uniform and clothes for the next day the night before. I'll still forget something. It's a fault in my system. I'm sure you're not perfect either

I was late for school all the time growing up and got lots of telling off and detentions for it. As a result I have massive anxiety about being late and almost always end up being early.

But I don’t think it is as important to be on time for social meetings - although I still would be. I always make sure to arrange (if I’m doing the arranging) times like “around 6” or “sometime between 3 and 4” etc because then no one me included needs to get themselves into a completely flustered state panicking if something goes wrong.

So many people on this thread saying 'the reason why I'm always late is xyz' - but then they keep on doing xyz.

Pretty much the human condition innit?

The reason I’m fat is I always say “I’ll just have one sneaky snack, one isn’t going to make a massive difference to the calorie total” and then at the end of the day I realise I’ve eaten about 6 snacks to a calorie equivalent of an extra 3 meals. I’m sure there’s people out there petrified to have the one because the know the outcome better than me, but no matter how well I know it on an intellectual level my lizard brain is always convinced “this time it will be different”. Some of those people better than me at knowing not to eat might not be better than me at knowing to leave the house with 20 minutes of extra time for contingencies (longer if taking multiple items of public transport).

I have 2 and getting ready for school is like a military operation Creeper.

Snitzel I solve the toy problem by saying "choose the toy you want when I say" which is 10 minutes before we leave. Anything picked up when it's time to go gets left behind.

I have a relative who is habitually late. Her now adult children spent their entire secondary school lives getting detention for being late because they continually missed their bus (the bus stop was not within walking distance of their house, so she needed to drive them to it). Then when their detention was over, it was too late for the last bus home and she needed to collect them from school and she was late for that too, so they were in trouble all over again for being on the school grounds outside of the designated hours. They found it really distressing and she insisted that they were fussing about nothing. It was very upsetting to witness.

Dd Was meeting her friend for coffee at 7.30 last week, she left the house at 7.10. At 7.45 I watched her friend run past our house out for a jog. She turned up at 8.30. This is absulotly normal for her. It’s not that things happen to make her late she just couldn’t give s shiny shit.