Help me understand people who are consistently late

[Namechangemum100]

I'm.meeting a friend today, I have deliberately told her the meet time is 30 minutes earlier than it should be as I know for sure she will be late, she always is.

I am one of those people who is always on time, I get ridiculous anxiety if I'm running late and it's just the way I am, but I find myself constantly waiting around for other people, and I just don't understand it.

If you are the type of person who is always late (15 minutes plus and excluding unavoidable traffic etc ), whats your reasoning? I have some friends who will actually say "oh I'll be late to xyz, you know me"...what does this mean?! How?! You know the time of meeting, why is it so hard? Some people will actually let me know they are "running late" at the actual meet time...how did you not forsee this situation 10-15 minutes ago and give a heads up?!

I'm not trying to be goady, if I understand the reasons why I think I might find it less frustrating.

Sorry but all your excuses are just that..
If you had to catch a plane for a holiday you would be there on time or miss it.
Being late is selfish, rude and shows a lack of respect to the event or person you keep waiting..
If your always 15 mins late for school adjust your morning routine.
If your child needs time to get out the house build it into your timing.
So what if you arrive at school 15 mins early... You will have time to chat with your child, without the rush...
I have a child who always try this, now she is 16, I say she has a min or I go, yes she runs out with shoes in hand, but she does walk out the door when I want to go.
This is a life skill you should be teaching your child...

Being late because of mowing the lawn!! You just leave it unmown, that really is taking the piss.

If one more person on this thread mentions catching a plane it will be MN Bingo full house.

There are people who are always late , people who are always early, and those that are on time.
Personally, I prefer to be early.

Lol.
If you had to be dressed and somewhere at midday and got A million pounds... No one would be late.

I have dyslexia. One of the ways it affects me is that I am unable to judge how long a string of tasks will take. I have things in place to help me with this but sometimes I do get it wrong. It's frustrating and causes me a great deal of stress, made worse by people thinking I am lazy or rude.

In response to op, I just don’t rate punctuality that highly. If I know the person is really bothered by it, or there’s no flexibility, I am on time or early. I think a lot of it has to do with your family culture. My partner is always fretting when we’re late heading over to my family’s house, and I try to explain that when they say 11am, they actually mean ‘a window between 10.30am and 11.30am’.

I’ve also got better at predicting how long it takes me to leave the house/ public transport. I think I owe google maps for making me be realistic about travel times!

With regards to catching a plane or similar, I have massive anxiety in the run up to it, and I plan, check, plan and check again. If I applied that level of anxiety to everyday timekeeping I would burn out.

But you can plan how long it takes to get where you need to be, how long you normally take from bed to door...
This means knowing you will be there just at the right time, 70% of the time... We all sometimes get caught by traffic.

I just don’t see the point of being early. Why waste time getting somewhere 15 minutes early and sitting around doing nothing? I’d rather leave just enough time to get somewhere, having done few jobs such as put the dishwasher on, or sent an email, and roll up on the dot.

Can I ask, honestly. What do people who are late do.

If you have to leave by 10. And you get up at 8. There is no way it takes 2 hours to put on clothes brush hair and teeth and feed the cat.

So what happens?

Would the mistakes in estimating timings be far less if you just didn't do non essential for leaving stuff? It can't physically take 2 hours to get dressed.

Two things strike me about this thread. One is a quite staggering lack of empathy and an assumption that organisation and timeliness are equally easy/an equal amount of work and concentration and brainpower for everyone. I find it fairly easy to organise myself to be on time; I recognise that this isn’t the same for everyone and if they spend a lot of effort being on time for work, for trains, for appointments then actually the temptation to relax when it’s not a time-critical issue may be intense, and the opposite (equal levels of stress about being punctual for friends as for time/critical things) would be exhausting and take some of the enjoyment out of seeing me. I’d rather they were a bit late and happy and relaxed than on time and on edge. I value that more than I value them being bang on time to avoid a perceived slight to me.

The second is the quite self-centred approach of some posters. ‘They don’t value my time - therefore they don’t value me.’ It’s not about you, and it’s not about them valuing their time more than yours. It’s often that they don’t value time itself in the same way as you do. Time isn’t as important to them (and this can reflect what was important in their upbringing) and so they don’t see 15 minutes’ lateness as a big issue. This was a massive issue for me and DH early in our relationship until we figured it out and met in the middle.

To assume that if someone is habitually late then it’s because they’ve judged their time to be more important than yours is pretty self-absorbed. As I said, I shared that view earlier in my life. Since then, I’ve grown up a bit.

StillNotReady Because I am bad at planning how long it takes to get somewhere so unless I overestimate, I am late. I allow time for bad traffic, etc. This means if things go wrong I am there on time, if they don't I am early.

When there are consequences of being late, most people are on time. So they arrive with their children for school on time as there is no leeway to being marked late, at the theatre because of the strict latecomers policy (hooray!), and on time for a plane as if they miss it there is not another in say an hour's time.

The car and the mobile phone do not help, as a car means you do not have to leave at a set time (as you would for a bus or train), and the mobile phone means you can let someone know you are late.

The examples of those who have difficulties in time planning I expect only apply to perhaps 10% of the population.

Jassy I have found that plenty of people who are habitually late do care very much if others are late. So no it is not as simple as not valuing punctuality.

lose track of time and when something changes in routine order it throws me off also sometimes i really dont want to go or take ages to decide what to wear and change my mind a lot even if i had arranged my clothes the night before i wake up feeling bloated and nothing fits.

Jassy I have found that plenty of people who are habitually late do care very much if others are late. So no it is not as simple as not valuing punctuality.

Which is why I said ‘often’ rather than always. Assuming a particular reason in all cases, and that reason being about you, is self absorbed.

I know people who are late because they’re inconsiderate and thoughtless. That doesn’t mean everyone I know who is habitually late is inconsiderate and thoughtless.

Gileswithachainsaw I wake up air the house with windows open, make my bed, I make myself several cups of tea and coffee, cook some breakfast, feed and clear after the children, run myself a hot bath and soak, condition my hair and do a face pack mask, load and unload the dishwasher and washing machine and tumble dryer, get my children dressed and ready and do their teeth and hair , they invariably argue about clothes and hair style...then do my make up and blow dry my hair and then try on 5 or 6 outfits because i just woke up feeling bloated and that breakfast didnt help. also catch up on weather again because they are so inaccurate the night before and listen or watch the news. then mad dash for keys, last minute shoes polishing, rubbish out, feed pets and check allwindows closed and doors locked and turn off straighteners and radio etc.

One is a quite staggering lack of empathy and an assumption that organisation and timeliness are equally easy/an equal amount of work and concentration and brainpower for everyone

On the flip side though, reading through the thread (and others like it), there are a lot of people who assume that if someone is always punctual it's because 'they don't find it difficult the way I do'. And that's not the case at all. A lot of people find it difficult and stressful, and that it doesn't come easily, but they still make it there on time. If you are one of those people (and I'd hazard a guess that that's actually most people) it's infuriating to be told 'oh yes, but of course, it's easy for you, you're naturally punctual'.

And people who hate getting there first because they don't like being alone in a public place don't seem to care that the person they are meeting might well feel exactly the same.

oh and check my emails and messages as i drink coffee so i lose time....then fiddle with a playlist as i bathe or catch up with youtube subscriptions.

I am one of those people who find it hard to get somewhere on time. When I was a young adult I was always late places. I had to learn how to be on time. It still does not come easily.
But Betty I regularly go without a cup of tea in the morning because I don't have time if I am to leave on time. If you prioritise getting somewhere on time, then you put that first.
And I simply don't bother meeting people away from home that are consistently late. Life is too short.

The fact is that most people don’t rock up to work an hour late so they can be on time when they have to be. Yes a small minority of people have disabilities which affect time management and no doubt they do struggle with timeliness for work, flights, appointments etc and would need help/reasonable adjustments. Other people are just selfish and would rather someone else waited around for them than the possibility of being early.

see i can be on time if its just me doing a journey ive done many times on the same day and time. if it is a new location or have to get children ready then it goes badly. i sometimes also just dont really want to go so i hesitate a lot until i feel so bad about cancelling and make a dash for it.

i think i have lots of time. i misjudge it. 2 hours seems so much. so i relax and get carried away with jobs that need doing because arriving too early would be a waste of time sitting doing nothing. i have gone to places without checking my emails first only to find out a change of venue or a cancellation because i skipped checking my phone. when i do check my phone i get sucked in with too many messages and emails to reply to and lose track of time. something that needs 5 minutes ends up 15 or 20 mins.

See a large amount of that stuff could be left.yiu could do dishwasher and washing when you got back.beds get messed up Any way so won't hurt one day to be left til later

Surely you can see how undervalued your friemds would feel if you were an hour late cos of a face pack and windows.

I'm sure you don't mean to but that must also be exhausting for yourself too.

And if sone one arranged to meet you late afternoon so all that was dine would you be on time?