Help me understand people who are consistently late

[Namechangemum100]

I'm.meeting a friend today, I have deliberately told her the meet time is 30 minutes earlier than it should be as I know for sure she will be late, she always is.

I am one of those people who is always on time, I get ridiculous anxiety if I'm running late and it's just the way I am, but I find myself constantly waiting around for other people, and I just don't understand it.

If you are the type of person who is always late (15 minutes plus and excluding unavoidable traffic etc ), whats your reasoning? I have some friends who will actually say "oh I'll be late to xyz, you know me"...what does this mean?! How?! You know the time of meeting, why is it so hard? Some people will actually let me know they are "running late" at the actual meet time...how did you not forsee this situation 10-15 minutes ago and give a heads up?!

I'm not trying to be goady, if I understand the reasons why I think I might find it less frustrating.

im grumpy and sleepy without caffeine and food. so in my logic im better company and worker if i ate and drank tea or coffee to wake up and function. i often wake up starving.

So you make other people waste time sitting doing nothing when you don’t want to do it yourself!

It's certainly a common problem in adult dyspraxia which is thought to affect about 10% of the population. Interesting quote here "Adults with dyspraxia often have improved their motor coordination skills over the years, and their chief difficulties in education and employment are more likely to be related to the cognitive aspects of dyspraxia, such as difficulty with sequencing and structuring information, organisational skills, time-keeping, and sometimes social skills." from www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4001144/

As pp said, you can plan and work hard on these aspects but it is exhausting, especially if you are only coming to work on it later in life when the brain, although it has plasticity, has less. Similarly an adult with dyslexia who had reading difficulties may have become competent in reading but may still experience physical exhaustion from a lot of reading and that may never change.

I read about an interesting experiment where people were placed in a residential setting and had to attend various events throughout the day and there was very little distraction available in their rooms and no need to plan journeys, what to wear, other tasks for the day etc. Those with dyspraxia and other related SLDs performed much better with punctuality in this environment than they did in everyday living.

PP mentions people who are often late but are upset by others being late. I imagine if there is anxiety about being somewhere alone both situations would happen.

If your friend is not habitually late and only late to meet you then of course it might be more personal :-)

Of course there are those too who just think their time is more important than others.

Plus don't forget cultural expectations, in some countries I've found that being early is expected and in others being late is expected.

Two hours is not a long time for all of that. I would leave 3 hours for all of that to be sure I would leave on time.

BettyCrook, A lot of those things, maybe most of them, you don't need to do before going out in the morning. And some things, like making your bed, can be left if you find you're running late.

And why does last minute hunting for keys feature so often in people's lists of 'reasons why I'm late'? With something as important as keys, why don't you have a designated place where you put them every time you come in the door? Back in your bag, hook by the door, bowl on the worktop, wherever?

Thing is they are all jobs we want/need to do. But the day we arrange to meet we don't do them so we can be on time.

When others prioritise face pack a and hair masks and leave us waiting. Not only did those jobs not get done we didn't even get to see the friend we gave ourselves more work in the evenings in order to meet.

It really does boil down to a choice. Bath or friend. Coffee or friend. Face pack or friend etc

As I said before. It's not sone super organised secret it's not sone special power we have.we just clearly choose differently. And it's hard to not take that personally the

i feel awful about being late. to me when i have done all those things and finally feel good about the state of the house that i left it in, how i look im much more relaxed and confident. if i dont do these things i become distracted and withdrawn because my mind if niggling me about these things. i know they are petty and can wait.

I have ended up rushing out and then company came back to my house and i didnt clear up from breakfast and the night before. i felt awful and so embarrassed. i've also met friends i haven't seen in a long time and felt very self conscious about my looks..and you would guess it, i also bumped into exes and old friends.
I already wake up at 4am to leave at 7 or when I need to leave at 8 I wake up at 5 or 6. I know i need to change because it is disrespectful to leave people waiting and i actually end up feeling bad about being late that it ruins the meeting. i spend the first part and last part of the meeting feeling embarrassed about keeping them waiting and looking for signs that they are angry with me............................... stupid pattern i know.

Well it’s simple. If you want to fanny about getting yourself and the house pristine before you leave then you need to get up really early. Or only arrange to meet late in the day to give you time to do all those things.
A relative of mine has ocd and the list of things she has to do before she leaves the house is ridiculous but she doesn’t keep people waiting. If she has to meet someone at 11 she’ll get up at 5.

i feel awful about being late. to me when i have done all those things and finally feel good about the state of the house that i left it in, how i look im much more relaxed and confident. if i dont do these things i become distracted and withdrawn because my mind if niggling me about these things. i know they are petty and can wait

So what would happen if they arranged to meet later in the day? So all that could get done without rushing? Does that make any difference.

I often wonder if the truth would eventually present itself ( only talking about the puss takes a here not targeting those with difficulties) if we say arranged to meet every day in the afternoon for a week. When all the jobs frequently used as excuses would be done and nothing to do is left. Whether it would sone how revert to "sorry I'm.late I was sewing up holes in the bag of socks on the loft that dh is using for rags" or whether they woukd just admit that they don't really care about leaving you waiting

i think i must be selfish then because if i have to wake up earlier than i already do i will be very tired and grumpy. yeah i need to sort myself out before my friends give up on me............sad thing some already have and i know i deserve it.

having to change my routine is one of the reasons why i hate doing stuff with people.. but i like my friends and sometimes its places i have to go.. i need to sort myself out.

I already wake up at 4am to leave at 7 or when I need to leave at 8 I wake up at 5 or 6.

This can't be good for you. It's not surprising you need a lot of caffeine to get you going. You must be permanently sleep deprived and exhausted.

Really, no-one you see is going to know or care if you've had a face pack in the morning.

It's not terribly efficient to build in contingency all the time though really, because you'll end up being early more often than not. With small kids I hate being early because you've generally used up your good behaviour window before the other person arrives. I am an eternal optimist and always over commit/try and cram too many things into my day. I am better on my own than with DH though. He always makes us late

You can always go to bed earlier if you’re tired. Ten you could have enough sleep, do the tasks you want to do and meet your friend on time.

For me, it depends how late. 5/10 mins isn’t a big deal but I have a friend who is consistently 40 mins to an hour late. All the time and it’s really annoying me.

Recently we arranged a night out. We invited another friend and we were to meet @8 at a pub both of us got there at 8. Got on with night text friend numerous times, moved pub and she rocks up at 10pm stayed an hour and went home as her train was 11pm. I wasn’t happy at all.

I did have a word but she told me I was being snide - I did say that it doesn’t show much respect for me as her friend being constantly late. I’m hanging about like a muppet waiting for her. She manages to be on time for Work and for her other friend (as I know she’d not stand for that lateness). She blamed being a single parent etc
Kids are are school and I have 4 kids on my own and am quite particular about being on tom and teaching them good time keeping.

Also am dyspraxic and dyslexic - I was never on time for school mind you but that changed once I left. I Don’t think their is an issue with occasional lateness it happens sometimes.

But contingency time is realistic. Because it is rare that everything goes smoothly.

It totally depends on what other people do though. Some of my friends are always late so i dont rush. Others are usually o
time so i make more of an effort. Even work cultures vary. At my last job meetings never began on time. I was always waiting around for people. So I adjusted the time I arrived. I don't think you need to take it personally, just adjust your expectations and own behaviour.

I'm with you, OP. I think it's polite, courteous and respectful to others to be on time to meet someone and it drives me nuts when I make that effort and then the other person rocks up casually having left me waiting for 25minutes on a street corner.

Unfortunately my DH, my parents and most of my friends just turn up as and when they feel like it. Despite being perennially late, my DH won't even wear a watch. 🤯

As a teenager with 3 older brothers on school days I used to find myself sitting alone in the car in the driveway, frantically beeping the horn as I knew I'd be getting another late mark, despite getting ready on time. Bastards.

You can always go to bed earlier if you’re tired. Ten you could have enough sleep, do the tasks you want to do and meet your friend on time

See this is where things often become clearer. Friend is late . Friemd offers excuses. The person waited offers up several suggestions. Go to an earlier. Get up earlier. I'll come round and help then drive us. Offer teenage off spring to dog sit. Says they will pick up bread/eggs/milk on way. But some how reasons why reasons can't be solved are then offered up . Truth is they probably just don't want to

Oh. This again.
Basically, I can cope with the anxiety of trying to get shit done, not forget anything, and exist in a paroxysm of awfulness scrambling through life ten minutes late, but the anxiety of timekeeping itself means I don’t sleep the night before if I have to be ‘early’ for something (interview, child’s appointment, train, plane, early work meeting, or if there is something in particular that is essential to complete on a particular day).
It’s not that I am more important (and frankly that’s just your own ego talking, suggesting you believe your own time is more important than mine, when the reality is that I believe my time is worth less than everybody else’s and so I get even further behind by trying to accommodate other people, and never say no).
I need sleep. This week I have been 10-30 minutes late for work every day, but 2-3 hours late getting home. On weds night I was ten minutes late to meet a friend in a restaurant for a planning meeting because I had spent 6 hours sweating over spreadsheets to ale sure that the numbers made sense (they were close - the following morning I fixed it in five minutes).
I’ve had two volunteer projects with deadlines this week - I’ve had to work in them in the mornings because I’m not getting home until 9pm and I’m starving and exhausted. So working on them in the mornings means I have less time to get sorted for work. I missed the bus on one day because it snowed and my car door was frozen shut. But I managed to overtake it and parked somewhere else so caught it by running just as the doors were closing.
That night I was two hours late to pop in on an elderly friend whose husband is terminally ill (I called her at the original meeting time and apologized as I couldn’t get away from work.) I am three staff members down in a six man office for the next month, and no one has spare capacity). Elderly friend was lovely and invited me in. I’ve been worried about how she is coping for a month since her dh has been ill, so I stayed and chatted to them for two hours as they are having a really shit time - but it was lovely to see them and they are coping much better than I feared. While I was there dd2 texted and asked where I was. I made excuses and left at 9pm and went to the grocery store on the way home to buy food and told dd2 to put the oven on. I had collected a whole ton of stuff from elderly friend to help clear their garage (they can’t lift) which is still in my car. As I got back at 9.30pm I drive it all to work yesterday and have to clear my own garage today to put it in there. This will involve removing a large amount of my own stuff (another pending task) between 10am and 4pm.
Two teens at home, one at uni who has had a difficult week and needed some immediate support. One honorary kid whose mum finally checked into rehab this week so disappeared. Of the two at home, one has cerebral palsy and OCD, and the other has ADD.
I know it seems like it’s all about you, op. And that you feel disrespected and undervalued as a friend.
But the reality is that for the hour before we were due to meet, I would be panicking, trying to finish stuff, trying to figure out what could be done, what could be left, running around in circles, agonizing because I know if I’m late AGAIN you will think I am a waster who doesn’t care, which makes me panic more, and running to the car whilst trying to reply to a text asking me to get milk on my way home, or can you pick me up from x’s, or remembering I promised to bring you that thing and I’ve left it in my desk.
Basically - I’m not titivatung my duvet cover
My life is a shit show, but at least I’m sleeping. If you insist on feeling a personal affront because I fail to get there in time, I’m really sorry. I’ve been trying to get a grip of it for a very long time. And it’s not because I think I’m more important. It’s because I’m trying to do too much. I’m well aware of that. But doing less would mean letting down more people, so I could be on time for coffee - and in my head, that’s selfish of me. You’re collateral damage that makes me feel a million times worse, because I don’t want to be late for you either.

No, expecting someone to be on time when you are always on time isn’t saying your own time is more important - it’s saying it’s equally important.
Most people have households to look after, relatives to support, hair to wash. The difference is that some people fit those things in around arrangements they have made - or don’t make arrangements they can’t fulfill rather than washing their hair when they should be on their way or already there!
An odd emergency would be forgivable but consistent lateness is disrespectful.

You’re collateral damage that makes me feel a million times worse, because I don’t want to be late for you either.

But why arrange to meet someone for coffee at all if you know you can't make it on time? When I was caring for a terminally ill parent my friends constantly asked me to meet and I explained that I had to do X,y and z and I would love to see them but I just didn't have enough hours in the day. They accepted that because they aren't horrible. A year later when the illness was over and the funeral had been held, they were there to hold my hand and dry my tears. If I had arranged to meet them each time then let them down or turned up late, I would probably have lost the friendships entirely. And then I'd be sitting thinking they were total bitches for ditching me in my hour of need.

Without a reasonable excuse, it’s selfish to be late. I got so sick of waiting for people to show, whether friends, family, tradesmen etc that I took the liberating step of hanging about no more than 20 minutes. After that, I leave the venue, or don’t answer the door.

I arrived an hour late on purpose to meet a relative recently as they are always very very late when we meet and I was hoping they could be the one left waiting for a change. Still arrived before her 😂