Help me understand people who are consistently late

[Namechangemum100]

I'm.meeting a friend today, I have deliberately told her the meet time is 30 minutes earlier than it should be as I know for sure she will be late, she always is.

I am one of those people who is always on time, I get ridiculous anxiety if I'm running late and it's just the way I am, but I find myself constantly waiting around for other people, and I just don't understand it.

If you are the type of person who is always late (15 minutes plus and excluding unavoidable traffic etc ), whats your reasoning? I have some friends who will actually say "oh I'll be late to xyz, you know me"...what does this mean?! How?! You know the time of meeting, why is it so hard? Some people will actually let me know they are "running late" at the actual meet time...how did you not forsee this situation 10-15 minutes ago and give a heads up?!

I'm not trying to be goady, if I understand the reasons why I think I might find it less frustrating.

They introduced flexi time at my workplace so you can't really be 'late' anymore. If you come in two mins late, you leave two mins late. Disaster! I'll be working in the middle of the night soon.

30 mins to go : I've LOADS of time, just have a quick cuppa. Beth is a good friend, she won't minding hanging around for a while.
20 mins: Better go for a shower. Spots random headline on newspaper from two weeks ago, reads article. Beth is much less important than two week old news.
10 mins: Really better go for that shower now. Beth is probably waiting, but I'm sure she can get a coffee or something while she waits for me.
5 mins: God, I love this new shower, la, la, la. I don't care about anyone else but my own gratification. I'm so special that people don't mind waiting for me.
1 min: Holy fuck, I'm late! How did that happen? I can't understand why Beth is always shitty when I arrive.

Poor Beth. 😂😂

Full disclosure : I am in the "chronically early" camp so this isn't an attempt to blame the victim BUT

BOUNDARIES, people! If lateness bothers you so much, do not permit people to treat you this way . It is within your power to not let someone else's lateness be your problem.

If you have a friend or family member who is always late and it impacts you, you need to :

A) tell them calmly and firmly "when you are late xyz is the result" where xyz is "I feel disrespected and like you think my time isn't important" or "you take so long to leave the house that we are late to wherever we are going" or "there isn't enough time to do the thing we planned to do". You will get apologies, defensiveness, promises of change, explanations about being "time optimistic", etc. Politely accept them.

B) Enact consequences. If someone is late to meet you, leave after a short wait. I don't wait more than 20 minutes for someone (baring explanatory texts) and all my friends know it - although I have surprised a few Internet dates. If I'm waiting for someone to get ready for someone to leave, I leave without them. If we're meeting as a group and someone is late, go ahead and order your food. I don't do this aggressively - it's just that I can either let their lateness impact me or I can just calmly do what I was going to do.

That way, I don't get wound up, and (coincidentally?) a lot of people who would otherwise be late tend to pull their socks up when they might miss out on something. And people who genuinely have issues with time keeping don't have to feel guilty and harried - they know I won't be cross because I've just done what I was going to do anyway.

As a habitual on-timer (or usually 5-10 mins early-er) it really gets my goat. Google Maps actually has an option to tell you when you need to leave the house to get to your destination on time and flash up a reminder and it takes into account traffic.

I think it's incredibly rude to keep someone waiting and am aghast for people who have been kept waiting for up to and even over an hour. That's just absolutely disrespectful.

It baffles me when this happens to adults who otherwise seem to manage to hold down a job and carry out their other responsibilities, but are incapable of being on time to leisure occasions. I also think that there's only so far you can take the 'I can't ever work out how long I need' excuse. If you really have a problem with this, then you should be taking note of how long tasks take you when you do them so you know for the future, not waving a hand airily away and saying 'Oh I always underestimate how long I need to do XYZ'. If you're self aware enough to know you do this, then you are self aware enough to put remedies in place to avoid it. If you don't, it's pretty discourteous to the people who you've arranged to meet as you are, whether consciously or unconsciously, judging that their time isn't worth as much as yours.

I have a friend who has issues with being organised, I suspect it is ADD related or similar. It is intensely frustrating for her because she puts an incredible amount of time and effort into trying to be organised and not forget things. It's all very well saying it's a choice, and if it only mattered enough to people, they'd be on time. Please consider that if this is something that doesn't come naturally to someone, they will probably need to put a lot more effort into it than others, and when you think about it, that means they can do a lot fewer activities and are probably knackered most of the time. Having a mental health issue or similar is not a choice. I know my friend tries her best to be on time and I don't mind her being late because I appreciate it took a lot for her to get there. I care enough for her to wait.

Chronic extreme lateness must cause so much panic and lateness in the latee. Is there some part of you that wants to be "told off" or viewed as less of an adult than the punctual? If a meeting / appointment is planned then you know it will happen. Steps I would then take the night before: Check my outfit is ready, decide if I could shower and do my hair now - if not then set alarm one hour earlier, check handbag has correct items, check and print off directions, check parking situation, if taking something specific put it by front door, leave myself a sticky note on inside of front door if there is something vital I mustn't forget to do / take. For a Dr appointment I accept appointments will run over so I take my phone and kindle and settle in. Going on holiday I am a nightmare and an evil dictator. Ideally I would like to turn up at the airport 3 hours before but have settled for 2. The lists, packing and preparation start a week before. Looking at what I've typed perhaps I have as serious a problem as the laters. If I haven't planned everything with room for traffic etc I can't sleep or relax. It is very easy and automatic for me as I have always done it but take away my methods and I would feel terrible about any meeting or appointment beforehand. I am an anxious person and being on time is something I can have control over that I can do easily.

cat no one has said that struggling with timings and mental health is a choice.

But deciding to do things like mow the lawn, watch tv, read a book when they already know they are running late is a choice. None of that is part of getting ready. It's extra stuff that can wait that the person who they are meeting has not done themselves in order to be on time , that is choosing to prioritising over your friemd.

@primallass...wow don't get your knickers in a twist, it was simply in response to someone who said their excuse was children and I'm sorry but getting 2 under 2 out of the house is highly unpredictable but totally achievable.

Yes but my point is that the 2 under 2 thing is actually easier than when they get older. You can't dress them yourself them pop them in a cot for safety when they are 10 and refusing to move. Maybe once you've been doing this a few more years then you can tell other parents what they should or shouldn't be able to manage.

Children of any age is no excuse. Some people are chronically late and some people are on time and there is no correlation with number or age of children. Some people are selfish fuckers who don't mind inconveniencing other people, some people are considerate. Children have nothing to do with that.

The example given of 30 minutes to go and thinking you have loads of time - shower first, then have a cup of tea, etc. And 30 minutes is not loads of time if you are going out.
I sympathise with those with mental health issues as I know that going out can be very difficult. But for everyone else, I don't think there is an excuse. And I suspect you don't understand the amount of effort people like me put into being on time.

Anyone I know with children who is late often, were late pre children.

Yy aba

If a nappy change or a quick pee makes you so late you missed the bus then you were late to start with tbh. Neither takes very long to deal with.

I'm pretty sure that almost everyone would rather spend what time they have on this planet with their friends and family, enjoying their hobbies or just relaxing rather than sat on a cold bench somewhere waiting for someone who is late yet again.

And the late person, at the end of her life, won't be saying 'I wish I'd spent more time hanging out the washing/emptying the dishwasher/looking for my keys instead of seeing my friends.'

I don't do cold benches! Having had late friends (who I now don't see very often), I now whenever possible arrange to meet in a coffeeshop or bookshop or similar. And if I am unavoidably delayed, say by train problems, I'll text to tell the other person to go and get a coffee and I'll come and find them, rather than keep them hanging around waiting.

TheNavigator I don't agree. I was always very early before children. I get stressed by being a minute late. I'm the one in the office at 7.30. But I struggle with getting my children moving - one has anxiety so puts everything off. That's not ME being inconsiderate or a selfish fucker.

Tbf I think in friendship circles you gravitate towards people who are like you. My friends and I all accept that timings can be fluid within reason. If we thought each other were inconsiderate selfish fuckers then we wouldn't be friends.

PrimalLass friendship circles are fine - their choice if they want to tolerate your lateness. But we don't choose our family, so make an effort them, at least.

When my kids were little I would make sure we were all basically ready to leave much before we needed to. Then I would leave with plenty of time for traffic/toilet stops etc and usually arrive a little early. Its not hard! plenty of people with kids manage to attend appointments and get them to school on time every day!
Unless there has been been some kind of one off incident no-one needs to be late. Those who are 30mins/an hour late every time but still catch flights, get to doctors appointments and manage to be on time for other things that would involve financial cost or inconvenience to them clearly can manage to be on time when it is in their interest but not when it is in the interest of others. Pure selfishness.

The people I know who are chronically late are outraged at being kept waiting by other people. Utterly furious. Similarly they eg turn up three quarters of an hour late to the hairdresser and are told it is too late to for them in and they are all over social media bad mouthing the hairdresser etc.

Even if they are suffering from anxiety or whatever, and find it hard to get these together to leave the house, mental health problems aren't actually a get out of jail free card where you can treat everyone else like crap and anyone who dislikes it is being cruel.

TheNavigator I never said I was always late, thanks. My point was that it is harder to control other people once they get beyond toddler age.

Anyway these threads always end up with people posting exactly the same things over and over.

Yes, it is harder to control other people once they stop being toddlers - as this thread demonstrates, some people are determined to be inconsiderate to others and will use every justification under the sun, rather than just admit they are selfish and prioritise their own time over their family and friends.

These threads end up the same as there can be no other conclusion than late people are selfish and the late people don't want to admit that, even to themselves, hence pages of but, but, but.

Ok whatever.

I'm like you OP, get ridiculous anxiety being late, I travel via bus and always set off at least half an hour early, most of the time an hour because buses are unreliable. I am always on time unless there is something out of my control and unpredictable happening... been late a few times this pregnancy due to extreme exhaustion and baby brain and I'll really beat myself up about it, it's out of character for me but I have been so tired I just can't help it 😳 DP on the other hand is one of those that has to leave for work at 7 so gets up at 6.45 has a 20 minute shower, then spends ten minutes flapping about frantically getting dressed and ready because he is late 🙄 the bane of my life, when we have joint appointments I just tell him what time I will be leaving to be on time and he can either work with me or be late 😂 not my job to take responsibility for him being on time... I defo understand your frustration though xxx think some people just aren't bothered about being on time, everyone's different... he's baffled why I get ready two hours before I need to leave (sometimes three) xx

I tell him the best preparation for failure is failure to prepare 😂😂

Cheers Giles, my comment was in response to several people saying those with ADD etc. are only making excuses because they don't care about their friends, and could totally be on time if they only wanted to (I'm contracting the argument a bit here, obviously). Agree that there are issues most people can probably avoid. I for one have opted for a fake lawn, so I'll never be late due to mowing it. Because I care!

I'm pathologically punctual (usually massively early!!) and do get frustrated by the pathologically late! One friend in particular is never, ever on time for anything, and has no reason not to be! It's annoying (and rude!!) when you are the one sitting on your own like a twat in a bar for an hour, and you get a text saying 'Just need a quick shower...been to the Trafford Centre...sale time WHOOP WHOOP!' I kid you not!!