To be dreading telling my parents I am pregnant?

[1Wanda1]

I am not a teenager - I’m over 40!

Same sex relationship, married. I am 19 weeks pregnant with a very much wanted baby. I also have 2 older children from previous marriage (divorced years before meeting DW).

When I told parents that I was in love with a woman, they reacted very badly. When I told my mum we had just got engaged, her response was “Oh. You want to do THAT. Well, if that’s what floats your boat. I don’t really know what you expect me to say.” Before we got married, we told her we planned to have a baby. She said things like “Why? Wanda already has 2 children. I thought you were committed to your career? A child needs 2 parents. Meaning a father and a mother. Etc.” As a result, I never raised the subject again with her and didn’t tell her when we had IVF.

As background, when I had my first 2 DC I was married to a man, was financially secure and had a nice home. Even so, when I told her about each pregnancy she was not happy. Despite this, my parents are excellent grandparents.

I have to tell them this weekend. Along with being uncomfortable with the concept of a baby born to same-sex parents, my mum is going to be upset that she is “the last to know”. The main reason I haven’t told her sooner is because I can’t cope with how the conversation is going to go. I love them, even if they do struggle with my “lifestyle choice” (as they see it). Unfortunately my natural response is to become defensive and argumentative when my mum makes judgemental comments.

Any tips on how to drop the baby bomb without ending up feeling obliged to argue against statements like “it’s not fair on the child”? I really want to avoid a row.

"I've got some news. I'm really really happy that I'm pregnant. I know you'll have mixed feeling about this but I hope you can be happy for me as I don't want to hear any negativity"

At some point you really need to tell her to stop giving you negative comments.

@leighdinglady's suggestion is good.

leighdinglady, when I first told them about DW, I said "I know this might be a surprise to you, but I'm really happy and I hope you will be happy for me."

My dad said the next time he saw me "you want me to be happy, I'm not happy. Don't expect me to attend any gay wedding." (He did attend, 3 years later.)

"You don't have to be happy but you do have to at least be polite"

They're actually being very rude. You can call them out on that, regardless of their opinions.

Congratulations to you and your DW op, wish you well. I don't have any advice but I can understand why their attitude is hurtful.
Try not to stress as it's not good for you or bump.

I think you'll have to tell them then leave it to soak in and for them to process.

We all know what we want to hear in this situation (happiness, excitement, well wishes, etc.), but rightly or wrongly people have different views, for whatever reason, on certain subjects.

I wish you all the best and hope you all come out the other end happy and well.

You are in your 40’s just tell them and any issues they have are for them to deal with in their own way. If they say anything negative, don’t argue, listen to what they have to say and silently remove yourself from their company for that day. That is a much better way of dealing with them imho. Many many congratulations to you and your Wife by the way. Enjoy your pregnancy both of you and let your parents deal with themselves in their own way, you don’t have to listen.❤️

Thank you. I had thought about going there, telling them, going out for a bit while they get used to it, and then returning (we are supposed to be having dinner and staying the night).

COngratulations first off! I have many friends who’ve been in your position ( unfortunately) who’s parents have been upset for many reasons - usually 1) religious, they don’t believe in IVF etc. Or that 2 women should be together 2) everyone will know! It’s one thing to keep your kid’s same sex partner/ship a secret but a whole baby? Tricky. 3) the whole you’ve chosen to have a child without a father argument.
I would say - crack in with it. Don’t let them rain or your parade, a lot of parents come around when they actually meet the grandchild for the first time. And of course there is a wealth of evidence saying that lesbians couples make the best parents! - mostly because the child is planned, wanted, and the couple are usually older and financially secure - but i’ll Take that!
Good luck! Oh and find your local Rainbow Family group, you’ll find support and experience there from women and men who’ve experienced similar situations.

Tell her if she can't keep her nasty opinions to herself she will be the one missing out on your dc because you intend to enjoy every second.

You mention going out to give them some time/space. Would it be worth telling them over the phone before you go? Might be easier than face to face.

Send them a card announcing it. With the note that if they have nothing polite to say you don’t want to hear it even if that means they don’t get in touch to congratulate you.

Bobblepin I have thought about a phone call beforehand. However, when I told them about DW in the beginning, I did so in a letter. I thought that would be the best way to get my thoughts across and give them time to digest before responding. One of my mum's main objections to the whole episode was the letter. It was my fault she'd reacted so badly because I should have told her face to face.

Told her about the engagement over the phone.

I'm not sure how she'd react to the baby news delivered anything less than face to face.

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP. I agree with others that saying something by phone, in the vein of the first PP, is the way to go. They are being terribly rude.

Tell her on the phone but keep it brief. If she is upset about being the last to know and not having this face to face then I would be honest and point out that this is directly because of her attitude and previous comments towards you. She cannot expect to be able to make crappy observations yet still be used as a confidante.

She's entitled to her views but a consequence of them is that she won't hear as much from you about your relationship and she's not in a position to issue demands about how she should receive information. That's her choice.

You don't HAVE to see her. You don't HAVE to tell her in person. Anything less than face to face means that she'll take it badly - so what? That's her choice, not yours. I'd strongly recommend seeing a counsellor to help you with some strategies and boundaries if your parents aren't supportive of your relationship (direct experience of this and it helped).

Congrats on the baby

It was my fault she'd reacted so badly because I should have told her face to face.

This is manipulative bollocks. If she was supportive of you then her reaction would have been to be pleased that you are happy, with a few tears and a gentle admonishment telling you that of course you can tell her things and don't be silly and write letters again etc. The method of communication being the cause of a bad reaction is a red herring.

Look up FOG: Fear, Obligation, Guilt. It governs a lot of familial relationships. Fear of upsetting them/going against them. Obligation to follow what they want, minimise things they won't like or keep things a secret. Guilt because these are your parents and they'll be devastated if you don't do XYZ so it's all your fault. Step back - if these were people that you'd met and had no prior connection with, would you put up with their comments and behaviour?

It's not easy. It has taken me years of counselling to get to a stage where I felt strong enough to pull away. I am now LC and strictly on my terms with robust boundaries in place. Life is a lot easier as a result.

You need to make clear to them (kindly, and politely) that you aren’t asking for their approval, their happiness or even for their support.

You are telling them because you love them and you want them to know about this huge thing in your life.

They don’t have to do anything other than be your parents and love you.

(Btw surely you don’t have to tell them that they are last to know?)

Firstly; i know exactly how you feel. Dealing with my mother still fills me with dread like a 15 year old and i'm 50 with 4 kids of my own. Like yours my mother was cats bum faced about my oldest 3 kids even though i was married and mortgaged when i had them. I divorced and remarried (cats bum face Xtreme) and went on to have no.4 in my 40s and - again like you - dreaded the 'face' when i broke the news.

So my advice? Phone first. Make it easier on yourself. At least you won't have to physically witness the surprise/shock/horror/disappointment display. Give them a couple of hours to get over it and get a grip and when you get there see how the land lies. If things get unpleasant tell them calmly you won't stay if it means sitting through a load of judgemental comments. And mean it.
Good luck

You've already told her that you plan on having a baby, how about:

'Hey mum you know I said that we were planning on a baby - guess what?'

You've also already prepared yourself for a negative reaction, just shut it down when it comes. If she comes back with something negative say but you've knew we were going to try, you've already had time to come to terms with it, this will be your grandchild. Now how about a cup of tea, and just keep deflecting until they have time to let it sink in. Don't engage in anything negative. It may be quite mentally exhausting for you though so plan for a nice relaxing treat when you get home.

Good luck and many congratulations

I sympathise - your mother sounds like mine. When I told her I was pregnant the first time we were engaged but not married and I was mid 30s. She told me it was the worst thing anyone had done to her since her mother had died before I was born..... Second preganancy was met more favourably. Then I got pregnant with No 3 and I knew she wouldn't be delighted - thinks anything more than 2 is excessive. I used to see her weekly and I simply couldn't face saying anything until she guessed when I was about 19 weeks - and then stormed out. She loves the grandchildren now but still has the same tendencies about other things and "sensible" conversations just aren't possible.
So - I'd phone her - less formal than a letter but it will give you the chance to gauge her reaction on the assumption you live a bit away as you've said you are going to stay the night. If that goes badly then at least you aren't stuck at their house for a weekend.
Good luck - and congratulations too!

resistanceisnecessary, you are so right about the consequences of the way my mum expresses her views being that I choose to tell her less. We used to be so close and I told her everything. Until around the time of my divorce, when I realised that nothing was treated as confidential. Over the years since then I think hard before sharing any meaningful news.

My mum's take on this would be "you don't like hearing the truth". And that she speaks the truth and if I can't accept it as such, it's because I am wrong. From time to time my dad is co-opted into this - on the few occasions I've appealed to him, he will always support DM even when I KNOW he disagrees with her privately.

I read the Stately Homes thread so know a bit about the F.O.G.

The sad thing is that my DM had a terrible relationship with her own mum, who was very controlling and narcissistic. DM views herself as the polar opposite to her mum, but is very like her in some ways.

Everything resistance said. You are deep in the FOG. Hopefully you are in minimal contact with your folks. They sound harsh and mean.

Nonagrey I'm definitely not going to say they are the last to know - they aren't, anyway. But my mum will believe that she is, regardless. DW is v close with all of her family (who are all incredibly supportive of our marriage) and my DM will not believe that my in-laws haven't known for ages. I plan to deal with that by saying it's up to DW what she tells HER family; I wanted to tell mine now.

Remember the only obligation you have is to your baby and that means reducing stress wherever possible. It sounds as though she doesn't deserve anything more than a text message. I tell the children I teach that you don't have to like everyone or everything but you have to be respectful & most of them get that, it's a shame your mother doesn't.

GU24Mum and laiste your posts made me smile! I mostly feel ridiculous that despite being a fully-fledged adult in my 40s, the thing that stresses me most in life is my mother's reaction to things I do. It's good to hear I'm not alone. I know I shouldn't care, but I do. When I first told them about DW, the comments (which went on for days by text from my mum) were so offensive that in the end I just stopped responding. We then didn't speak for 6 months. Throughout that whole time, every day I talked to DW about how unhappy I was not being in contact with my parents. She'd never met them at the time.

In the end we had a party at home for our families and friends, my family came, and we sort of just picked up and carried on as though the past 6 months hadn't happened. Save for DM's comments about it being my fault anyway because of the letter.

It's looking like most people think a phone call first might be the way to go. Maybe I should do that today. I suppose if it goes spectacularly badly, we could just cancel the trip tomorrow.